A Time to Dance/A Time to Embrace (37 page)

A lesson John only wished he’d understood years earlier when he and Abby had first started to fall.

Abby stood alone in her driveway, tired and satisfied, as she waved good-bye to Beth and Jo. Nicole had already taken her suitcase inside the house, and if her outlook was any indication, the girls’ campout had been a complete success. They’d laughed and talked and even prayed together—now Abby wandered around the side of the house toward the backyard and spotted John, adrift in their aluminum rowboat in the middle of the lake.

Probably feeling guilty. Didn’t want to face us when we got in.
She allowed her gaze to linger, and a dozen memories of happier times danced into view. The boat didn’t seat more than three people, but there had been times when it seemed like a yacht, times when she and John could spend an afternoon in it, floating on the lake, soaking up the sun and sharing laughter and conversations. It was out in that very boat that they’d dreamed about Kade’s football career and that she’d told him she was pregnant with Sean.

John wasn’t rowing, and since his back was to her, she figured he didn’t know they were home yet. And it occurred to Abby that this might be the last time she’d come home and find him out on the lake like this.

There was something peaceful and timeless about being on the lake, and John knew with the craziness of both the dress rehearsal and the wedding over the next few days there would be little time for anything resembling quiet. Besides he needed to think, needed to imagine how different life might have been if he’d seen the split coming and done something, anything, to stop it.

Of course, it was too late now. Abby didn’t love him, and no effort at holding on to her would make a difference at this point. In the free fall of life, they’d both crashed and burned. Now she was moving on to other territories.

He leaned into the boat, his back to their home and all the joy and sorrow that would take place there over the next few weeks. As he stared into the sky, he watched a bird soar effortlessly into the air, crisscrossing over the water in search of evening fish. John stared at it more closely. It couldn’t be. Not here and now, when so much was going through his mind, when Kade’s report had been the trigger for the greatest change of heart he’d had in all his life.

But it was. It was an eagle. And as he watched it, he felt washed in God’s grace and forgiveness, filled with a hope that had no reason for being.

John stared at the eagle as tears burned his eyes. Something about seeing the majestic bird in flight gave him strength. As though God wanted him to know it was possible to fly again, even after a lifetime of poison. And that was good because nothing was going to poison his system more than going before a judge and divorcing the woman he’d fallen in love with more than two decades earlier.

John watched the eagle until the sun set and then, with a strange new sense of forgiveness and purpose, a sense of grace that had nothing to do with himself, he rowed back to shore where there were still no answers for the most important questions of all.

Tell me how, God . . . how do I find my way back to the Rock so the
Son can rid me of all those years of poison? And how with broken wings
will I ever learn to catch the thermal currents in life and fly again?

Twenty-Three

T
HE NEXT THREE DAYS PASSED IN A BLUR OF
preparation. Party coordinators worked to make the backyard perfect. Florists called to double-check the order for the church and the back porch. The DJ needed to set up a wooden platform and hadn’t realized the yard was sloped. A carpenter was called in to make the platform level and to lay out a small dance floor, and by the time the rehearsal was underway, Abby was almost too tired to feel anything but drained.

Drained and cheated.

This should have been a time when all her energy was focused on Nicole. Instead Abby felt almost as though she was only going through the motions: the wedding, the divorce, Kade’s move to the university—all of it. Like she was delaying her feelings in the here and now because to experience them might actually kill her.

For days she and John had passed like enemy ships in the night, speaking only when necessary, yet still somehow avoiding the notice of the kids. Kade was getting ready to leave for Iowa, and Sean was busy with his friends, looking forward to a summer of fun. Everyone had his or her own life to worry about, including John—who no doubt already had plans with Charlene for the moment Nicole and Matt were gone from the wedding reception.

Well, she wasn’t going to sit there and watch them. Abby had realized she needed to get away as soon after the wedding as she could. She made arrangements for Sean to stay with one of his friends and booked a flight to New York. She’d stay in a hotel downtown and catch a few shows with her editor. It was time they finally met, time to see if they would share anything lasting beyond their e-mail friendship. The days away would be good. Better than sitting around the house wondering what John and Charlene were doing.

Her flight was set to leave Monday morning and return Friday. The kids would be back from their honeymoon the following Sunday, and on Monday she and John had agreed to break the news. It still seemed unrealistic, like the scary part of a horror movie. Only this time there would be no turning the channel, no getting up and walking away. The reality was upon them and together—perhaps for the last time—she and John would have to help the kids understand.

The boys thought their dad was going fishing with some friends from work right after the wedding and that Abby had a business meeting in New York. The idea of their parents heading in different directions for the week didn’t raise even a bit of concern among them. Nicole was too busy to think about it or she probably would have had questions.

That night, with the wedding set to take place in less than twenty-four hours, Abby delayed her office time and made her way across the house to Nicole’s room. Her daughter was beaming, completely packed, and writing a letter. The moment Abby walked into the room, Nicole hid the paper under her pillow. “It’s a surprise for Matt.”

“Oh. That’s nice.” Abby wandered across Nicole’s bedroom floor and kissed her. “I’m so happy for you, honey. I want you to know that.”

The joy in Nicole’s eyes was not something that could be contrived. It was the most real and satisfying thing Abby could have hoped to see the night before Nicole’s wedding. “He’s the one we prayed for, Mom. I love him so much.”

Abby sat on the edge of Nicole’s bed and smoothed a hand over her daughter’s golden hair. “No matter what life brings, no matter what happens all around you, don’t forget how you feel tonight. Keep that. Make your marriage first in your life.”

Nicole nodded and some of the sparkle faded from her eyes. “God first, then my marriage. That’s what you mean, right?”

Abby felt her face growing hot. Why hadn’t she thought of that? Was she so far removed from God? So far away from— “Are you okay, Mom. You’ve been kind of quiet these past few days.”

Focus, Abby.
She smiled, holding back tears. “I’ve had a lot on my mind.” She put her arms around Nicole and pulled her close. “My baby girl is getting married tomorrow.”

“Ah, Mom, but it’s not like that with you and me. You know that, right? This will always feel like home. I mean, Matt and I will come over for dinner and hang out playing cards with you and Dad, and one day we’ll bring the grandkids here for you guys to baby-sit.” Nicole’s face was beaming again, caught up in the certainty of God’s blessings and goodness.

Abby folded her hands in her lap and forced herself not to weep. Hadn’t she felt the exact same way the night before her own wedding? Certain of their happy-ever-after? Yet the truth was none of Nicole’s pictures of home would ever be the same after she and John were divorced.

The tears came of their own volition and Abby leaned over, kissed Nicole once more, and bid her good night. “See you in the morning, sweetheart. You’re going to be absolutely beautiful.”

Nicole dabbed her finger under Abby’s eyes. “Mom . . . you’re crying.”

Abby smiled, her vision blurred as another round of tears waited their turn. “Happy tears, sweetheart. That’s all.”

And when she left the room, sure that everyone else was asleep, Abby scurried toward the office where she could let loose and cry all night if she wanted to. She was almost there when she heard John’s voice.

“Abby . . .”

She turned and saw him standing in the kitchen doorway. He still wore his dress slacks and white button-down from the rehearsal dinner, and Abby realized how little she’d looked at him that night. Though they’d sat next to each other all evening, they’d managed to carry on conversations with other people. Until now he hadn’t said more than what was absolutely necessary to pull off their charade.

“What?” She was not up to a verbal battle. Not when it was all over but the walking away. Not when in twenty-four hours they would reside at different addresses.

“We haven’t had a moment alone in a long time and . . . I don’t know, I thought we could talk.”

Abby sighed. “It’s too late, John. There’s nothing to talk about.”

There was a depth to John’s eyes that hadn’t been there in months. Years, maybe.
It’s my imagination; nostalgia coming up against the
finality of it all
. “Okay. Never mind.” He hesitated. “Are you . . . will you be around this week?”

Abby sighed and felt her frustration level rising. How dare he ask about
her
plans when he’d be with Charlene? Of all the things he might want to talk about, why on earth would John want to know her plans for the coming week?

Don’t say it, daughter—

“Let me guess, you and Charlene want to make dinner plans with me?”

John flinched as though he’d been slapped, and his eyes took on the hard look she was more familiar with. “Forget it, Abby.” He studied her for a moment. “Someday I’d like to know what happened to the girl I fell in love with . . .”

“I—”

He put his hand up, cutting her off. “Never mind. I know it’s my fault. It’s all my fault, and I’m sorrier than you’ll ever know. But years from now when this is behind us, take a minute and look in the mirror. And see if
you
even know who you’ve become.” His tone wasn’t hateful like she’d heard it before. It was more dumbfounded. And sad. And that only made Abby angrier.

She could live with the idea that he was finally taking credit for the train wreck of their marriage, but how
dare
he accuse her of changing. She hadn’t changed; she’d survived. Back in the beginning, when their schedules had first taken precedence over their relationship, the woman he’d fallen in love with had been there just beneath the icy surface. She spread her hand across her chest and kept her voice low so the kids couldn’t hear her. “That same girl is still in here somewhere, John. But a long time ago you stopped looking for her.” New tears filled her eyes and she blinked so she could see more clearly. “And now that you’ve fallen in love with someone else, maybe she’ll stay hiding in there forever.”

“I’m not in . . .” His voice trailed off, and his look of protest faded as he shrugged. “I’m going to bed.”

With that he turned and trudged up the stairs toward the bedroom. When he was out of earshot, Abby stepped into her office and clenched her fist, leaning her back against the oak cabinet and sliding slowly down it until she was in a heap on the floor.

“I hate this, God . . . what’s happened to me?”

John was right. The girl he’d married had become hard and angry and bitter. She smiled so rarely that when she did her face felt strange, like the muscles at the corners of her mouth had forgotten what it was to work on their own. With no one around to hear her, she allowed her tears to come, crying for all that she would be losing the following day.

Her sides ached, but her heart hurt worse. It was really happening. John and Abby Reynolds were getting a divorce, breaking their greatest promise to each other, to her father, to Haley Ann, to the others. To God Almighty. Suddenly she longed to forget about the whole thing, follow John up the stairs, and crawl in bed beside him. She could feel the warmth of his skin against hers, hear herself telling him she was sorry, begging him for one more chance.

The idea fled as quickly as it came.

John had been seeing Charlene for years, no matter when the two of them had first become physical. Abby was a fool to have allowed the pretense of their marriage to last as long as it had. Rage built within her at the role he’d played in destroying their lives.
I hate you,
John. I hate you for what you’ve done to us, to me
. “It isn’t fair, God,” she wailed out loud in a whispered voice. “Help me . . .”

Come to Me, daughter. The truth will set you free.

She shook her head and struggled to her feet to find a tissue. How could the truth set her free? If she knew the reality of how close John and Charlene were, it’d probably send her over the edge . . . Another wave of quiet tears came and she was overwhelmed with the feeling of loss that welled up inside her. Loss of her marriage and her family. But mostly the loss of that young girl, the one John had fallen in love with.

The one Abby feared might not be hiding at all, but rather too far gone to ever find again.

The morning of Saturday, July 14, dawned more beautiful than any Nicole could remember. She had more than enough time to get ready, since the ceremony wasn’t until three o’clock that afternoon. But she wanted to savor the day and that meant rising before anyone in the house and watching the morning come to life across the lake.

She’d been reading the Epistles lately, trying to understand the message Paul had for the church, especially his desire that they live in love and grace the way God would have them live. Nicole situated herself in her window seat and gazed across the lake.
Thank You,
Father . . . the day is finally here
. Her heart felt as though it had been created for this time in her life, and she eased open the cover of her Bible, flipping to the thirteenth chapter in First Corinthians. She had read the verses a dozen times since getting engaged, and each time the Lord had showed her something new and revealing about true love, the kind she and Matt would share for a lifetime.