A Time of Dying (Araneae Nation) (9 page)

Sad laughter was my response. “If every person shrugged aside the burden because it weighs too heavily on their shoulders, then who is left to carry the load? I will do my duty by my people. I owe them that much.” For my uncle and others who had survived. They deserved a measure of peace, no matter how tenuous. Despite my warnings, they refused to see the true danger to us all came from within. But turning a clan against its paladin was treason. Treason was punishable by death, and to a clan who had lost so many lives, it was wasteful, slanderous, and not to be borne.

The best hope I had was by manning Titania’s walls, I armed my clan against the inevitable.

He rubbed his chin. “That sentiment is worthy of a maven.”

I didn’t say I was no maven. What was the point when he was content to cast me in that light no matter my objections? The problems facing my clan, facing our nation, would not be solved if each person tasked with finding a solution handed the issue to the person standing behind them. I acted not as maven, but as the steward of a family the plague had all but snuffed from existence.

I had one final question before I caved to slumber. “When will the funeral pyres be lit?”

“Not for a few more days. Families are still performing rites.” His voice hardened. “Why?”

I picked at my fingernails. “Will the bodies be left in the field until then?”

“Yes.” He emphasized, “Under heavy guard. Heavier guard since you arrived.”

“What would you say if I told you I could help you?”

He paused before answering, “It depends on what area you think I require assistance.”

“Your paladin tasked you with finding the missing males of your clan.” I tore my nail to the quick. “I won’t make you any promises, but I have an idea of where you can find your answers.”

Exhaustion beat me to finishing my task. There were still bodies in the field that might rise. I don’t know why I offered, except that Murdoch’s glimmer of faith in me bolstered my desire to have a confidant. Maven or not, I craved shoulders broad enough to share my burden. Murdoch’s were wide and strong. If he balked, I would be none the worse off considering Hishima would ride for Cathis soon. If Murdoch witnessed a rising, what might he do then? Spare me? Aid me?

“What do you want in exchange?” he asked cautiously.

“You can’t give me what I want.” I crawled beneath the covers and tried to get comfortable.

“Why offer now?” He came closer. “Why this sudden generosity?”

“Is it generous, I wonder, to gift someone with the same nightmares I experience?”

“You’re not making sense, Kaidi.” He stood over me, staring into my face, seeking answers.

“I’ve changed my mind.” I reached for him. “I do want something.”

His expression relaxed. This he must feel he could handle. “What do you have in mind?”

“Hold my hand.” When he recoiled, I snapped, “I did wash the gore from under my nails.”

“It isn’t that.” He wiped his palms on his pants.

“Then what is it?” At his mute frown, I rolled away from him. “It was foolish. Never mind.”

“Tell me why you asked.” His voice beat against my spine.

“I dream of graves, Murdoch. Rows of them. Fields of them. Some filled with bodies. Other ones are still empty.” I released a shuddering exhale. “There is always one deeper, darker, colder than the others. No matter how I try to avoid it, I find myself skirting its edge. Just before I might slip and topple in on my own, skeletal hands grasp my ankles and drag me down screaming.” He treated me to another prolonged silence. “Just for one night, I would like to enter that field and not fear the fall. I want to close my eyes knowing there’s someone here who will pull me back.”

Murdoch thrust his hand before my face. “There. Hold it.”

I clasped it so he couldn’t change his mind later. I linked our fingers, and his filled the gap where my ring finger should be. To his credit, he didn’t seem to mind its absence. He didn’t recoil or even comment, just let me drape his arm over my shoulder. I breathed in the scent of his wrist. Herbs. Perhaps he used an ointment for any number of the injuries I had dealt him. Beneath that scent, warm, solid male.

“How long should I stand here?” He gave a cursory test of my grip.

“Until I fall asleep.” I snuggled lower beneath his comforter, drawing his arm tighter around me. I had shared a bed with Hishima early in our relationship. Some nights, after we made love, I slept with my cheek pressed to his chest. I would listen to his heartbeat and picture our glorious future together. Even then, when he had made me believe he loved me, and when I had loved him wholeheartedly, I did not enjoy the blissful sense of security I felt with Murdoch’s arm clutched to my chest. It should have worried me more that I used this near stranger’s arm as my light against the darkness growing inside me.

But his hands were large and capable. His grip on me was tight, too tight, perfect.

Unnerved by the comfort he gave me, I sat up and relinquished his hand. “I can’t sleep.”

He pressed down on my shoulder when I tried to stand. “Where do you think you’re going?”

I glanced at the window. Moonlight glowed softly beneath the faded tapestry. “Hunting.”

Although I did my best to appear to be reformed, Murdoch flat refused to leave the city with only himself to watch over me. He did a good job of selling me on why Lleu ought to accompany us. What it boiled down to was Murdoch’s fear I would muster another escape and that it would prove successful. Lleu, for his part, was thrilled with the idea of a nighttime trek into the woods.

“Come to finish the job, eh?” Moonlight glinted off Lleu’s cheeks.

“Hush.” I waved him on as our trio walked until we reached the edge of the trees.

Standing close to my failed escape route tempted me, but it was the best place to keep watch if we wanted to observe the downfield area I had been too weak and tired to reach with a spade.

“What are we looking for, exactly?” Murdoch’s warm breath hit my neck.

I shivered. “You’ll know it if you see it.” It wasn’t every day the dead rose, thank the gods.

Hunkered down, we three sat shoulder to shoulder and waited.

Hours passed. Lleu began fidgeting. Murdoch began scowling. I let my eyes go out of focus. I was used to kneeling until my legs lost feeling and my feet became cold and disconnected from me. I would have thought both males would have similar experience, being guards. Murdoch had more patience than Lleu. He surveyed the field with his keen eyes and a waning spark of interest.

“I fail to see how this helps me locate the missing males,” Murdoch whispered.

“Perhaps they are deserters.” Lleu shrugged. “Their families might sneak them food at night. For all we know, they might be sneaking into Cathis. Most knew of the grotto’s exit. What if the males entered the grotto from the forest side at night? They could slip away before the sun rose.”

“What would be the point?” I asked.

“If they were alive and well, they couldn’t simply stroll down the street.” Lleu scoffed.

“Why not?” After so much death, I would have thought their clansmen a welcome sight.

“Deserters are hanged.” Murdoch drummed his fingers on his kneecap.

“Ah.” I didn’t mention I would embrace even the cowards after suffering such losses.

“Is that what you think we’ll see?” Murdoch stared at me. “Are there deserters here?”

Had Lleu heard the longing in his voice? The wish he would not discover more bodies?

“I would rather let you see for yourself,” I hedged.

If nothing rose, then they had given me a perfect excuse. I would say deserters gathered here but that Lleu and Murdoch’s conversation had driven them to hiding in order to save their necks.

If someone did rise, well, the eyes proved in seconds what hours of words failed to illustrate.

“Fine.” Lleu shifted to his right so he could lean his head against a tree.

Murdoch didn’t move. We sat flush from hip to shoulder. He was a warm wall of muscle on a balmy night, but I was tempted to follow Lleu’s example and make Murdoch’s arm my pillow.

Recalling that sense of belonging he radiated, I withdrew. Such comfort was addicting.

Instead, I strained my senses and waited for the telltale hum to set my earring vibrating.

But none came.

Night stretched long between us. No one moved or spoke again until dawn kissed the towers with pale light that grew blinding as it raced over the field toward us. When it hit us square in the face, Lleu yawned and pushed off the tree to stand. He reached down a hand for me to grasp, but Murdoch clasped my arm, lifting me when he stood. I tottered unsteadily on my feet and severed contact before he could. His lips were tight and his brow drawn. He was angry. As so many had been before him. He probably expected I had a scheme up my sleeve or a reason for being here.

“Well that’s one night’s sleep I’ll never get back.” Lleu sounded chipper despite his words.

“I don’t understand what you sought to accomplish by bringing us out here.” Murdoch gave me an assessing glance. “Were there deserters? Or was an ally supposed to meet you out here?”

“I have no allies.” Not a one.

“There’s a reason for that,” Lleu said almost conversationally. “You can’t trust a liar.”

Heat swept through my chest and made my neck and face burn. “I didn’t lie.” This time.

“You claimed you could find my answers.” Murdoch rubbed his eyes. “Did you not hear the question? Were you confused as to what I hoped to achieve? Is this yet another of your games?”

“It’s not a game.” I cradled myself with my arms.

“No. It’s not. Games are fun.” Lleu shook his head. “The closest we came tonight was
where did that stick go
?” When I frowned, he pointed to his arse. “Yeah. I don’t want to know either.”

“That’s enough.” Murdoch grasped my shoulders and turned me toward Cathis.

“It’s early yet.” Lleu fell in step beside me. “I wonder if the kitchen is open.”

“When is it ever closed?” Murdoch kept a hand between my shoulder blades.

“The doors are open, yeah, but what’s the point in going when Cook is abed and all the food is cold?” He smacked his lips. “I’ve had my fill of greasy meats and stale bread. If the difference of an hour is the difference between crackling, juicy varanus steaks and piping-hot custards, then I would rather let my stomach gnaw on itself for a while longer and have my reward in the end.”

“Always thinking with your gut.” Murdoch sounded amused.

Lleu patted his stomach. “A male can only think with one of two organs…”

I raised my voice. “I would rather not know how that thought ends.”

“Your clan isn’t another of those saving-yourself-for-marriage types, is it?” Lleu gagged.

His dig was aimed at Mana. Salticidae prized virginity as a gift meant for the marriage bed. My clan honored no such chastity vows.

“Yes,” I lied in a solemn tone. “I’m afraid so.”

“Sorry for your loss.” Lleu scratched behind his ear. “Lots of that going around these days.”

I don’t know what made me seek out Murdoch’s face. Perhaps it was the tension in his hand where it pressed against my back, or the way his thumb was making tiny circles across my spine.

I suppose I expected him to call me out and say he didn’t believe me. When he kept silent, I flinched away from his wordless reprimand. I had wasted his time. He thought I had lied to him.

Without proof, I had no means of redeeming myself in his eyes. So when we entered the city and the guards cast Murdoch questioning glances, I did my best to appear cowed, as if he had me well in hand. I figured they were less likely to stop us or question him if I used my best behavior.

Once we entered the Tower Square and Murdoch led me to our room, I was twice as hurt to be shuffled over the threshold and to have the door shut on my heels. The males stayed outside to do whatever males did when left alone in dark hallways. After a minute, Lleu slipped inside and dropped into Murdoch’s chair. He crossed his legs and reclined with his hands linked on his gut.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Deep down, I dreaded his answer.

“Murdoch has some business to attend to.” He shut his eyes. “He’ll be back soon.”

“I thought I was his priority.” Had that changed? Was tonight’s failed hunt the cause?

“Like him that well, do you?” Lleu grinned. “I told him you had a soft spot for him.”

“I have no soft spots.” Not anymore.

“Huh.” He cracked his eyes open. “I expected you to rattle off nonsense about how you’re as good as maven, that you’re betrothed and how dare I imply you’d sully yourself with the likes of Murdoch.” His lids drifted closed. “Vaughn mentioned your reluctance to wed Hishima. What he didn’t say was that you’re so set against Hishima you don’t even use your position as leverage.”

“I have no leverage.” While in Cathis, Hishima would pretend. He would curry favor and he would beguile others. Not me. Never again. I knew his tricks too well to fall for them once more.

“It seems to me you don’t have much, then.” Lleu’s forehead puckered.