A Thousand Little Blessings (31 page)

Etta stepped closer to him. “Jealous?”

“And angry. I'll admit to that, too. I thought…well, I thought you and I had a kind of understanding before I left, but, thinking back on it, I realized that I'd never said the words I needed to say.”

“What words?”

Gabriel fought to take a breath. Why did his chest feel so constricted and his stomach so tense?

Etta must have seen his distress because she didn't force him to answer her question. “I'm not going to marry William.”

A gush of fresh air filled Gabriel's lungs, and the invisible weight he'd been carrying around his neck receded into nothingness. “You're not?”

Etta looked toward the horizon. “I wouldn't be a good match for what William wants in a wife.”

“How could you not be?”

She didn't look at him, but her smile indicated that she appreciated the compliment. “William wants someone who'll look after his mother, care for his children, and support him when he runs for political office. As much as I'd like to have a husband and children, I'm not willing to mold myself into someone William wants me to be. If I ever marry and have children, I'd like to keep working at the bank.”

Poor William. Poor, brainless William. William didn't realize Etta was perfect just the way she was.

Gabriel's spirit lifted for the first time in weeks. He reached for Etta's hand. “Would you like to walk over to our spot?”

Etta shifted her gaze to the shady spot where they had shared a picnic. Then she placed the pink flowers in her basket and slid her hand into his.

His spirit celebrated the small intimacy. He intended to ask her to put her trust in him for the rest of her life, and the ease with which she'd taken his hand nurtured his hope. “I'll never forget the first night I saw you here,” Gabriel said as they reached the shady spot by the creek.

Etta placed the basket on the ground and settled onto one of the large rocks. “Papa's come a long way since then. It wouldn't surprise me if he returned to the bank in a few months.”

“You did right by him.”

She smiled again. “Charlie Simpson turned out to be an angel in disguise. Not only did he help Papa, he also made Rosa very happy.”

“How's that?”

“He proposed to her! I was so surprised when she told me.”

“Are you worried about losing a housekeeper?”

“Oh no. Rosa's a member of the family, and it appears that Charlie will become the same.”

Gabriel sat next to her. “So one problem is on its way to being resolved. That leaves the missing funds from the bank. Did you ever find out who was stealing?”

Etta propped her elbows on her knees and covered her eyes with her hands. “I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but my suspicions were correct. It was Uncle Carl.”

Gabriel felt her anguish in his own heart. “That's really tough, Etta. We rely on our family when times are hard, but your uncle deceived everyone. You'll never be able to trust him again.”

“Papa was so angry.”

“I can imagine. But I bet he was proud of the way you handled it.”

Etta uncovered her eyes and looked at Gabriel. “I hope so.”

Should he ask her now? Maybe he should wait until they were in a romantic setting. But when would that be? “By the way,” he said, “I landed a job.”

“Good for you! I didn't know you were looking.”

“Well, I can't spend my life helping my father make deliveries and exercising your horses.”

“You strike me as the kind of man who needs to be active.”

“That's true, plus I want to make a mark on the world. I got a position with the State Department of Highways. They've only been in existence for two years, and in many ways, they're still trying to figure out what needs to be done. I don't know if you've heard this, but Texas is a big state. Lots of highways, bridges, and dams need to be built.”

Etta rolled her eyes at his comment about the size of Texas. Everybody knew it was the largest of the forty-eight states. “You'll be putting your degree in civil engineering to good use.”

“That's the plan.”

Etta bit her bottom lip and an expression of concern crossed her face. “Will you have to leave Burnet?”

Was it too much to hope that she wanted him to stay? “I'll motor into Austin most days and work in the office there. But I'm sure there will be some travel once construction starts.”

Etta's shoulders dropped and she placed a hand over her heart. “I'm glad you're not going too far. You've only been back for a short time.”

It wasn't a declaration of undying love, but at least she liked having him around.

“Why do you have your Bible?” Etta asked.

Gabriel reached beneath his arm and retrieved the book. “My plan was to catch you before you went to work so I could apologize for my bad manners. Then I was going to take one of your fine horses for a ride and spend some time reading the Good Book.”

“Anything in particular?”

“The story of Peter denying Jesus just before the crucifixion. Do you remember that Scripture?”

“Sure. Peter was so human. Remember how he could walk on water as long as he kept his eyes on Jesus, but his fear made it hard for him to believe? It was also fear that caused him to deny Jesus.”

Gabriel rubbed the Bible's black leather cover. “Mom and I were talking about the story a few days ago. Do you think Peter ever forgave himself for denying Jesus?”

“That's an interesting question. Why do you ask?”

“The last time you and I sat here, you prayed for me. I thought I was supposed to accept the blame for my mistake and ask for forgiveness. But I was wrong. Turns out I was supposed to forgive myself.”

“I never thought you did anything wrong.”

Gabriel shook his head, negating her effort to comfort him. “Etta, when I regained consciousness that day, the earth smelled of gunpowder and blood. There were bodies and parts of bodies scattered like garbage. The world was silent--no voices, no wind in the trees, not even birdsong. It took a minute to realize what had happened, and when I did, it felt as though someone had yanked my heart out of my chest and ground it under his boot heel. I began to shake so badly I couldn't see straight.” He fell silent, struggling to contain his emotions.

Etta laid her hand atop his clenched fist, and, despite his distress, he smiled at the simple act of tenderness.

“Finally,” Gabriel continued, “some French soldiers helped me back to the aid station. I didn't have a scratch on me. Ten men dead, blown apart in some cases, and I hadn't lost one drop of blood. I'm the one who led them to their deaths. How can you say I didn't do anything wrong?”

Etta bowed her head. She was praying.

What a wonderful mother she would make. She'd teach their children about the Lord and keep Christ at the center of their family.

Although he already cherished her, his love strengthened at the thought of the family they'd build together.

After several minutes, Etta raised her head. “What if our circumstances were reversed?”

Gabriel frowned in confusion. “What if you'd gone to the Army and I'd stayed in Burnet?”

Etta grinned in response. “The only way you'll ever find me in the Army is if I'm drafted.”

“Let's hope that day never comes.”

“Amen to that. But seriously, Gabriel. What if I'd done something that led to the deaths of many people? Let's say I was driving my father's car and another automobile hit us, killing all the passengers but me. Would it be my fault?”

“Of course not.”

“But I could apply the same rationale to that situation that you've applied to yours. Those passengers were there because of me. Even though I couldn't have known the other automobile was going to hit us, I was the one who'd brought them to that spot at that time.”

Gabriel narrowed his eyes. Her line of reasoning was sound, but she was letting him off easy again.

“Do you remember when Jesus told the disciples the two greatest commandments?” Etta asked.

“Love the Lord with all your soul and love your neighbor as yourself?”

“That's right. I was thinking about the last part of that Scripture. You wouldn't hold me responsible for the passengers' deaths. That grace would be a way of loving your neighbor. So, if you love yourself the same way you love your neighbor, you'd have to forgive yourself as well.”

Gabriel could almost see the mathematical logic problem written on his professor's chalkboard. His engineer's mind knew the syllogism was sound, so why was it so difficult to release his guilt? “Were you praying for the right words to say a few minutes ago?”

Etta nodded.

“That's what I thought, because you sure found them.” Gabriel stretched his long legs in front of him and considered Etta's words. “In my heart, I know you're right. But I can't get those men out of my head. They slip in and out of my memories like minnows in shallow water.”

Etta looked toward the hill where the Davis family cemetery was located. “My mother used to sing hymns when she worked around the house. Does your mother ever do that?”

“All the time.”

“One of my mother's favorites was ‘What a Friend We Have in Jesus
.'
Do you know that one?”

“Sure.” He sang a few bars.

“I didn't know you could sing.”

“Most people would say I can't.”

Etta laughed softly. “I was thinking about the line at the end of each verse. ‘Take it to the Lord in prayer.'”

“You think I should pray about forgiving myself?”

“Wouldn't hurt.”

“I know it wouldn't hurt, but…” Gabriel searched for the words. What did he need? Why wasn't prayer enough? “I wish I could do something real and concrete. I'm not saying prayer isn't effective, but I need…oh, I don't know.”

“Let me have your Bible.”

Gabriel looked askance but passed the book to her. She reached into the basket and retrieved one delicate pink flower. “I remember the story about the soldier who craved sugar. What was his name?”

“Private Nichols.”

Etta opened the Bible to a random spot and placed the flower between the pages. “May the Lord keep Private Nichols in the hollow of His hand and bless Private Nichols's family.” She selected another flower and turned to another page. “Give me another name.”

“Anthony Blake.”

“May the Lord keep Anthony in the hollow of His hand and bless Anthony's family.” She gently positioned the flower between the pages and looked at Gabriel expectantly.

Etta was showing him how to give the problem to God. It was a tangible way to remember his men and leave his burden on the altar. The flowers would dry between the thin pages of the Bible and someday fall into nothingness. Perhaps his guilt would fade in the same way. Gabriel took the Bible from her and flipped the pages until he reached the Psalms. “May I have a flower?”

Etta positioned the basket on her lap and offered him a pink blossom.

“This is for Corporal Sam Hutchins,” Gabriel said, laying the flower over the printed words. “Sam was a good man, even-tempered and dependable. I pray that the Lord will keep Sam close to His heart.” Gabriel looked at Etta.

“Does it feel right?” she asked. “Does it feel like a valid way to pray for the men in your squad?”

Gabriel took a few moments to examine his feelings. He'd never really thought about his men being in God's care, but surely, they were. There was no more war for them, no more hunger, thirst, loneliness, or fear. “Thank you, Etta.” Gabriel's voice was thick with emotion. Etta had understood his pain, listened to his grief, and eased his heartache. She had helped him heal like no one else.

The sound of neighing horses caused Etta to look toward the stable. “Benito must be starting work. I hear Mira saying good morning.”

In the distance, Gabriel saw the teenaged boy lead Antares out to the pasture. The stallion sniffed the air, pranced among the wildflowers, and headed toward them.

Etta stood and the horse trotted straight toward her outstretched hand. “Good morning,” she said to the animal. “Are you ready to start your day?”

Antares used his muzzle to nudge Gabriel's shoulder.

“All right,” Gabriel said. “I know you're there. Sometimes I think this horse is as spoiled as a rich lady's lap dog.”

“Oh, he is,” Etta concurred. “I don't know who spoils him more, you or Papa.”

The horse placed his nose on Gabriel's head and blew hard enough to ruffle Gabriel's hair.

Etta laughed at the stallion's antics. “You'd better pay attention to this horse before teeth are involved.”

Gabriel tucked the Bible under his arm. Stroking the horse's forehead and neck, Gabriel spoke softly to the animal. “Where do you want to go today? Shall we ride west until we get to the Rockies or south to the Rio Grande?”

Antares flicked his head, as though agreeing with the idea and then wandered toward the gate where the mares were congregating.

Gabriel glanced at Etta. “Would you like to walk to my house? I'm sure Mom's got breakfast on the stove.”

Etta touched his Bible. “Don't you want to finish praying?”

“I will, but not right now. I need some time. Besides, there's something I'm determined to ask--”

“Oh!” Etta's eyes widened and one hand covered her mouth. “Papa's walking to the stable! Look, Gabriel.”

Gabriel fixed his gaze on Henry Davis. The older man walked haltingly with the use of a cane but made steady progress.

The mares trotted along the fence line, neighing loudly and swishing their tails in excitement.

The happy gleam in Etta's blue-gray eyes matched her wide smile, and Gabriel silently rejoiced with her. First she'd lost her mother, and then her father's health had been jeopardized. The past few months had been physically and spiritually arduous. Thank goodness Etta could set aside at least one worry.