A Symphony of Cicadas (29 page)

“What are you talking about
,
Megan?  I didn’t force him to go,” Sara defended herself.

“Yes you did!  I heard you! You told him to leave that night, to not come back
.”
Sara realized that her daughter had been awake
the
night
they had fought and she told him to pack up his things
.
Megan had
heard every word from their argument.

“Megan, it’s not like that,” Sara started to explain.

“I hate you!  I hate you and I want to leave here too
.
I want to live with Daddy!  He has a pool and tennis courts, and lives near a park
.
All you have is stupid stuff, and you make people go away
.”
She ran from the bathroom and down the hall, slamming the door to her bedroom behind her.

“I don’t hate you
,
Mommy,” Li
ly
said underneath the towel
.
Sara
swiped
at her eyes and smiled down at Li
ly
. She ruffled her wet hair with the towel.

“I know, bug,” she said.

“Is it
okay
if I miss Daddy
, too
?” she asked her mom
.
Sara smiled.

“Of course you can,” she told her
.
“Want to know a secret?” Li
ly
nodded with wide eyes
.
“I miss him too.”

After Li
ly
got dressed
in her pajamas
and crawled into bed, Sara kissed her goodnight on the forehead and then shut off the light. She kept the door open a crack and then crept down the hall
.
Megan’s door was still closed, no light escaping from the bottom of the door
.
It appeared she had gone to sleep
.
Sara
tapped
on the door
.
When there was no answer, she
eased
the door
open
and peered in
.
Megan’s sleeping body rose and fell with each
shuddering
breath,
the kind that happened after a
good,
hard cry
.
She hoped h
er daughter
had escaped to happier dreams, a place that was
free
of
moms and dads
who
divorce.

Sara closed the door
without making a sound
. She went around the house and turned off all the lights, did a quick clean-up of the bathroom, and then retired to her bedroom where she took a long, hot shower
.
She lathered up her hair, but paused in the midst of it
.
John had told her she smelled like me
.
She inhaled, taking in the mango scent of the shampoo we both had fallen in love with as teens.

Sara had discovered it first, a more expensive brand that she bought with her own money to avoid using the cheaper brand
our
mom
bought for the household
.
She
often
had to fight me about using her shampoo, too,
until she learned it was best just to
take
it out of the shower when she was done to keep me from using it
.
I
soon
gave in and bought my own
whenever I thought to save enough money instead of spending it on books or music.

Sara put two and two together and realized that John smelled me in her hair
.
She
sped through the rest of
her shower, rinsing
out
the shampoo
and then wrapping
her hair
in a large towel
.
Grabbing the bottles of both shampoo and conditioner, she started to toss them into the waste basket, but thought better of it
.
Such a waste to throw them away,
she thought of the half-full bottles
.
Instead she placed them under the cabinet of her sink, promising herself she’d find a new brand in the morning.

When she
came out of
the bathroom, she could see a lump under the covers of her bed across the room, a mass of dark hair peeking out from under the blankets
.
She smiled, pulling on a nightshirt and slipping into bed beside Megan.

“I don’t real
ly
hate you,” Megan mumbled against her pillow.

“I know you don’t
,
sweetie,” Sara said, kissing her on the cheek before turning out the light. “Goodnight
,
darling,” she
whispered
, using the same
endearment
we both had heard often growing up, a nickname her daughters had now inherited
.
Sara closed her eyes in the dark, pushing against the thoughts that kept swimming at her, focusing instead on this moment when her daughter didn’t hate her, and relishing the closeness they still shared while she was still the biggest part of
her daughters’
young lives.

Twenty-one

J
ohn spent the next few days trying to forget Sara, forgetting to mourn my absence as well in the process, at least
for a time
.
He had too much to do anyway
.
The last of his things were in the moving van, and Sam helped him out of the apartment
, erasing all proof of our life there
to ensure at least a partial return
of
the deposit
.
Sam was staying with him for the next week, using part of his summer break to help him with the move, but also
to
escape his mom and all of her rules
.
He didn’t share that
last reason
with his dad, but John wasn’t oblivious to this fact, either.

The two worked hard,
their words few and far between, only speaking when they needed
to give
or take
direction
.
John was amazed at how much Sam had grown in the time he’d been gone
.
In the year since he’d lived with his mom, he had gained a quiet wisdom that leaned more toward the man he was becoming and further away from the boy he once was
.
He’d been driving for
a few
months, a concept that John could
still couldn’t
believe
.
As if seeing him behind the wheel weren’t enough of a clue that his kid was growing up,
Sam stoo
d half
-
a
-
head taller than
John
, towering over
him
whenever they stood side by side
.
The angry teenager he’d once been was now replaced by a
quieter, reserved young man who wasn’t afraid to roll up his sleeves and get some work done.

“I’m proud of you, son,” John said out of the blue,
producing
the hint of a smile
on Sam’s face
.
The apartment was done, and they
were
survey
ing
each room to make sure they hadn’t forgotten anything.

“Why is that?” Sam asked
.
His dad never said anything like this when they lived together
.
Even after he moved
in with his mom
, his dad appeared distant and unavailable
.
But ever since the heart attack, it seemed like his dad was reaching out to him more
.
I
t still wasn’t
as
often
as he wanted
, and Sam sometimes resented him for that
.
But in the times they were together, Sam forgot to hold a grudge
, amazed that he
enjoyed hanging with his old man.

“I just am, I guess. Nothing specific
.
Or maybe it’s because of everything,” John said
.
“I’m just real
ly
proud of the man you’re becoming
.
I love the person you are.”

“Uh, thanks,” Sam said, unsure how to respond
.
I could see him smiling on the inside, though, soaking up his dad’s words to take the place of at least one of the hurts he’d carried from his youth.

John dropped the keys off with the apartment manager,
and then
drove the moving van across the bridge to
the
house in
San Anselmo
.
Sam followed in John’s car and helped him
carry
the boxes into the house, placing each one in the room they’d be unpacked in
.
His own room, the one he would stay in on the days he would spend with his father, held little more than a bed
.
Sam still hadn’t brought any of his things
over from his mom’s, but was pleased to have a place to call his own in his dad’s new house.

That evening they hung out in the living room surrounded by boxes
as they attacked
a
hot platter of just-
delivered pizza
.
In five minutes, half of it was already missing.

“So, are you seeing anyone?” John asked him
.
Sam groaned.

“Jeez Dad, is that all you ever wonder about?  You ask that every time I see you.”

“So you
are
seeing someone
,
” John said, laughing out loud when Sam confirmed it with a smile he failed to hide
.
“What’s her name?”

“Alana,” he admitted, realizing any attempts at secrecy would
be
worn down by his persistent father
.
Truth was, he was head
-
over
-
heels in love with Alana
.
It had on
ly
been a few months, and even his mom didn’t know she existed
.
But he had final
ly
lost his virginity to her, making himself a man in the middle of his mom’s living room next to the throw pillows and two dozen picture frames she kept around the room for appearance
’s
sake
.
If she knew how he had soiled the innocence of that room,
it was a good bet she’
d have it redecorated.

“Is she nice?” John asked.

“One of the nicest,” Sam said,
unmasking the sincerity of his smile
.
“And the prettiest.”

“Ah, the pretty ones
.
They’ll get you in trouble by stealing your heart,” John teased
.
“I’m happy for you, son. Maybe one of these days you can bring her over to meet your old
dad
.

“Maybe,” Sam said without committing
.
“So, are you seeing anyone?”  John took his time chewing, mulling over the question and how he should answer.

“Not exact
ly
,” John said.

“Not exact
ly
, meaning you’re not seeing someone or you are?” Sam asked,
possessing a sudden interest
in whatever his dad had to say.

“Not exact
ly
,
meaning I am not seeing someone, but that I did have a brief moment when I thought I might,” John said.

“You’re not making any sense,” Sam said.

“Exact
ly
.”

“Dad…”

“Let’s just say,” John began, swallowing the last of his pizza in one final gulp, “that love is way more complicated than I thought it was, and dating sucks
.”
Sam seemed to
take
this as an acceptable answer, though I could see the thoughts rolling around in his head
.
I was surprised to see my face pop into his mind
.
It didn’t happen that much anymore, except
when he was
with John
.
So when it did, I perked up and listened
with intent
.

“Do you ever think of her anymore?” Sam asked
.
He didn’t even need to specify who “her” was
;
John knew who he was talking about.

“All the time,” John replied
.
“Do you?”

“Sometimes,” Sam answered
.
“And of Joey
,
too.
It’s weird
.
I didn’t think I even cared that much when they were around
.
But when they died, it was like something had been taken away from me t
hat I wanted to keep holding on
to
.
They were cool
.
I mean, it was cool having a little brother around
.
And Rachel would have been a great stepmom.”

“I think she would have
,
too,” John said
.
He felt good talking about me
out
loud
, and I glowed with happiness as I was remembered by the two of them.

“Is that what makes it so hard for you to move on?” Sam asked.

“Probab
ly
.
I mean, it just feels weird
.
It’s almost like I’m cheating on her by even thinking of dating someone else,” John admitted
.
Sam
digested his words with a thoughtful nod
.

“That makes sense,” he told
his father
.
“Still, it’s been almost two years
.
I bet she would understand if you found someone else
.
She would probab
ly
want that for you.”

I sat with bated breath in the corner
.
In the beginning months of my death,
I would have disagreed
.
Even now, I couldn’t claim that thought as my own
.
But I also knew it was best for him if he could move past me and find another who was lucky enough to be loved by him.

“Seems that everyone is moving into a new season,” Aunt Rose said beside me, appearing next to me out of nowhere
.
I was no longer surprised when she appeared out of thin air, and I welcomed her regular visits
.
I knew she had been listening for a while before appearing,
knowing she
witnessed a lot of the same lives I watched over
.
I nodded at her sentiment, not even hiding the wistfulness attached to the reality
.
“Oh, don’t be sad, Rachel,” she said, smoothing my hair and leaning my head against her chest like a child
.
I let
myself be babied by her, needing someone to feel sorry for me.

“They don’t need me anymore,” I lamented.

“No, but they’ll always love you,” Aunt Rose told me.

“Not if John finds someone else,” I
glowered.
Aunt Rose made soothing noises, continuing to brush my hair.

“I have a feeling you will always hold a special place in John’s heart,” Aunt Rose said.

I hoped she was right.

Even still, it troubled me that it was Sara’s face on John’s mind as he drifted off to sleep in his new bed, and not mine.

Back in the city, Sara’s mind was also on John and the night they shared
.
She tried to block it out, but it kept coming back to haunt her
.
Even the next day
,
as she prepared for her lunch with Kevin, she couldn’t help wishing she were getting ready to meet with John instead.

“Kn
ock it off, Sara,” she said a
loud to herself, shaking the images that haunted her from her mind
.
Megan
was already at school when she walked Li
ly
over to the neighbor’s house to be watched for a few hours
.
Sara
caught a taxi on the corner and directed him to the restaurant Kevin had texted her
mid-morning
.
He was already there
and seated
, and he waved at her from the
ir
table
.
Even though he looked
confident and
handsome in his usual suit and tie, Sara could note a sense of nervousness beneath his demeanor.

“Hey!” he said
, his enthusiasm evident as he jumped up
to pull her chair out for her before taking his seat next to her
.
“Thank you for meeting me here
.
”
Sara thought
he
seemed…
kind
.
“Do you want something to drink?”

“Something tells me I might want something strong,” Sara said, on
ly
half-joking
.
He chuckled at this.

Looking around, he caught the eye of their server, who came to the table.
“
T
wo Old-Fashioneds
,
please.
” They made small talk while they waited for their drinks, discussing the kids and how fast they were growing, and chatting about the flower shop and some office gossip at his job
.
When the drinks were placed in front of them, Kevin still didn’t
get to the point, and say
what this was about
.
The pit in
Sara
’s stomach was getting bigger and deeper by the moment
and
she
had the sudden urge to beat him to the punch, forcing him to lay it all out on the table
.
Taking a deep sip of her drink, she prayed for a bit of liquid courage and began.