A Soldier for Christmas (15 page)

With all the ways she wanted to.

In the silence of the night-dark apartment she fought to keep the past from coming alive. From seeing Joe’s coffin, polished black in the funeral home, feeling the shattered pieces of her heart like broken glass shards, impossible to put back together. Her mother’s words resonated in her head. “I told you. Didn’t I tell you?”

She choked down the rest, forcing the images and sounds and feelings back down behind lock and key. If only she could wipe them away like an eraser over a chalkboard. Life wasn’t like that.

To help chase away the shadows and the silence, she clicked on the TV and surfed, looking for something that caught her attention. But what she really wanted was for the phone to ring and Mitch’s voice to be on the other end of the line.

She paused over the cable news channels for anything that would possibly concern him, but there was nothing there, and she really didn’t expect there to be. He’s fine, he’s said over and over how well-trained he is. And, she thought, he certainly is a capable man, but that didn’t break apart the concern that sat like an iceberg in the middle of her chest.

She didn’t need one more sign. Look at how much she was hurting for him. Over him. This is too much, she told herself and buried her face in her hands. She wanted him to be safe with all of her might, but one thing was clear.

She was overinvolved. She cared too much. She
had
to stop ignoring the truth.

I’m in love with him. She was starting to dream, to let hope for a happy life with Mitch begin to grow. And wasn’t that the worst mistake ever?

The snowstorm raged and thunder cannoned overhead. She sat unmoving while the darkness at the edge of the lamplight’s reach deepened like despair. The phone rang once. Twice.

She leaned far enough over the arm of the couch to read the caller ID on the living-room extension. Out of area. The same area code Mitch had called from earlier in the day.

Good, he was safe, thank God, that’s all she needed to know.

She let it ring.

I
t’s probably the intensive study week right before finals—that’s why Kelly hadn’t e-mailed him. Mitch rubbed his hands together in the cold hootch. The heaters had conked out again—they couldn’t keep up with the cold. Maybe he’d send another e-mail, just so he would feel as if he’d done something instead of letting her slip away.

He started typing.

My Dear Kelly,

Sorry again that I had to cut our talk short. I know you’re busy getting ready for finals, but here’s another list. It’s the good things I wish for you.

Easy finals that you breeze right through. Ice-free roads wherever you travel. Eggnog lattes steaming hot, every time you need one. I hope you get plenty of time to relax, take time for friends and that you have no regrets.

I’ll be out, but I’ll keep you in my prayers.

Love and fellowship, Mitch

And, he thought, he’d keep her in his heart. It wasn’t enough, he thought as he sent the letter whizzing through cyberspace, but it was
all
he could do.

He’d leave the rest in God’s hands.

“Did that poor man call
again?
” There was no mistaking the disapproval in Lexie’s voice as she drizzled melted butter over the two heaping bowls of popcorn. “I say the gender is entirely untrustworthy, but there’s always an exception to every rule, and I think Mitch is that rare exception. You should date him.”

“No way. Especially not him.” She didn’t mention that she had his latest e-mail on her screen. That she’d gotten online to do some research at the library and what did she do? Check her e-mail just to see his name listed in her inbox.

What did that say? That she’d fallen hard for him. And that was one truth she could hardly admit to, and it was a truth she had to change.

She studied the half dozen e-mails he’d sent, one for every day that had passed since they’d spoken. The first apologizing for hanging up on her, that there had been some kind of attempt to attack their base camp, the second came posted near midnight his time, that they’d successfully tracked down the insurgents, and everyone in camp was safe. And of the remaining four e-mails, each was more concerned than the last. He was reaching out to her.

How did she tell him to stop reaching? To stop pushing? He wanted friendship. And she wanted…well, it was better not to put
that
into words.

“Why especially him?” Lexie wanted to know as she reached for the salt shaker.

“Because that man is a dream.”

“Yeah. Duh. He ought to be your dream and you’re going to lose this chance with him.”

“A chance at what? He’s stationed in California. He’s just a friend. Here, let me read this.” She pointed at the screen for emphasis. “‘That you take time for friends.’ He wrote that because I’m not e-mailing him back. He thinks I’m busy. So, we’re friends. See? Just friends.”

Lexie slipped one of the bowls on the table next to the laptop. She studied the screen doubtfully. “I saw the way he looked at you, and it has
nothing
to do with friendship.”

“Exactly what does that mean?”

“Hey, don’t get angry at the messenger.” Lexie scooped the other bowl from the counter and filled her hand with the fluffy popped corn. “Mitch looks at you like you’re a morning star he’d plucked from the sky to dream on. Write him or call him. I mean it, Kelly. He’s one of the good guys.”

Wasn’t that the problem? And why was she so mad at him all of a sudden? Mad that he was so wonderful and perfect, that if he had been anything less than that, she wouldn’t be hurting like this. She wouldn’t be torn between the past and the present, between the lonely road she’d chosen and everything she was afraid of.

He wasn’t hers to keep, but there was love in her heart for him anyway.

“Well, think about it.” Lexie settled down on the couch and turned her attention to her schoolbooks.

I don’t have to think about it. She knew exactly what had to be done. She hadn’t realized how far he’d crept into her heart, but fearing for him showed her exactly how much she cared. She couldn’t go back and pretend the interrupted phone call hadn’t happened. She couldn’t deny how deeply she’d been afraid for him or the breadth of her caring.

But neither could she take one more step on this path. She was in love with him. She didn’t
want
to be in love with him because it was going to lead to heartache.

Be sensible, Kelly. She steeled her heart and gathered her defenses. She clicked closed the e-mail screen and typed in the library’s address. She had priorities. She had her own goals, goals that would still be within her reach when Mitch was back safely from his tour and in California, where he belonged.

And if that broke her heart, it was only the truth. She’d learned the hard way never to dream.

Being really cold wasn’t half-bad, once you got used to it. Mitch gulped down the dregs at the bottom of his C-4 cup of coffee and considered his current problem. He hunkered into his sleeping bag and considered his options.

He had second watch, so there was no sense to going to sleep for an hour, and with so much on his mind and the subzero temps in the small cavelet they’d found for the night, it would take him that long just to shiver himself warm enough to fall asleep.

His real problem was what to do about Kelly. He knew he wouldn’t find an e-mail waiting for him when he got back to camp. Had he scared her off with his talk of dating and the future? Well, he’d just wanted to know where he stood and how he could make this work. Surely the good Lord hadn’t brought him this far only for heartache.

Next to him Pierce was snoring, sound asleep. The next bag over Mark was writing to his wife. That’s what he was thinking of doing too, except he was pretty sure Kelly hadn’t written him back. She was moving away from him. He could feel it in his heart, like a light dimming.

Right now, there was nothing he could do about it. Not one thing. He only knew that he wouldn’t be able to call her on her birthday like he’d wanted. It would be days before he had the chance to call, and who knew what mission after that? He was losing her.

Or was it already too late?

Lord, I need help on this one. Please.
There came no answer in the frigid night.

In the pleasant warmth of the bookstore, with Christmas decorations cheering up the floor and customers shopping to the sound of holiday carols in the background, Kelly
should
have had enough on her mind with ringing up sales, gift-wrapping and helping shoppers.

In theory, she shouldn’t have a free brain cell to spare, but she obviously did. And what was she doing with it? Going over her notes in her memory because her first final was cumulative and would be here before she knew it? No, she was thinking of Mitch’s last e-mail. The one she’d sworn not to read, and then gone right ahead and read it.

Apparently she needed to ask for more willpower in her prayers tonight.

Kindly Mrs. Finch, her very favorite customer, ambled up to the cash wrap and slid a beautifully illustrated Bible on the counter. “Thank you so very much, young lady, for this wonderful suggestion. It’s perfect. My great-granddaughter will treasure it.”

“I’m sure she’ll treasure you more, Opal. Would you like me to gift-wrap this for you?”

“That would be wonderful, dear. I would like the paper with the golden angels.”

“It will look really nice, I promise. And there’s a coupon on this, so I’ll ring it up at the lower price.”

“That’s good of you. I surely do appreciate the savings.”

Kelly grabbed an in-house charge form and a pen. “This will just take a moment to wrap. You could get a cup of hot apple cider and wait in the reading area. That way you can put your feet up and relax.”

“I’ll do that, then.” Opal’s smile was as pure as always. “You and I haven’t taken time to catch up. You must be working hard at your college studies.”

“You know I am.” Kelly rang up the sale and presented Opal with her copy of the charge slip. “Finals are coming up. You and I need to compare notes about the devotional.”

“Oh, my!” Opal lit up as she slipped the charge slip into her cavernous purse. “It uplifts my spirits every day. Did you get a chance to read today’s yet? ‘My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love.’”

“I did.” Kelly was doing her very best not to dwell on it as she found a gift box on one of the lower shelves beneath the register. Time to change the subject. “Your great-granddaughter is hoping to get into MSU, right?”

“Now, don’t change the subject, dear. I want to hear all about that handsome soldier who was so sweet on you.” Opal looked delighted. “Spence mentioned him the last time I was in. Is he still serving overseas?”

“Yes, he is, and he’s not sweet on me. Spence needs a talking-to.” There was no venom behind her words; how could she fault Joe’s cousin who was always looking out for her? He meant well. He simply didn’t understand. “Mitch is only a friend.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. He was such a strapping young man.” Opal smiled knowingly as she turned away, adding over her shoulder, “Remember, there’s more to life than studying. But don’t take my advice. Turn to Scripture, dear.”

This morning’s devotional text popped into her mind. “My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love.”

Why did that feel so much like
not
a coincidence? Maybe because it couldn’t be a sign. She refused to mistake it for one. No matter what. She would not be fooled again.

As she placed a torn-off sheet of the fragile golden-foil angel wrapping paper on the counter, the bell above the door announced another customer. Kelly recognized Holly from the jewelry shop a few blocks down, a close friend of Katherine’s. “Hi, Holly, Katherine’s in her office. Go right in.”

“Actually, I’m here to see you.” Holly set the small tasteful gift bag she was carrying on the counter. “This is from Mitch. Happy birthday.”

“What?” Kelly stared at the bag, small and dainty. Only one thing could fit in a bag that small—the lovely jewelry that Holly made. “From Mitch?”

“He contacted me from his base. He’d had me hold this for him ever since you two were in my shop last summer.” Holly slipped around the corner. “He must really be fond of you.”

Mitch. She could only stare, stunned, at his thoughtfulness. He’d remembered her birthday. He’d remembered—no, he’d known at the time how much she’d admired the beautiful jewelry. Surely he hadn’t bought the pearl angel she’d liked. No, he hadn’t done that. He couldn’t have. Because then that would mean
way too much.

“Open it,” Katherine said from her doorway, with a secret smile that said she’d known about this for some time. She disappeared into her office with Holly, but they left the door ajar.

Kelly’s hands were shaking. A customer was approaching, shopping basket brimming, and she set the bag on the back counter. She resisted the temptation to glance inside because it would only make the locks around her heart buckle a tiny bit more.

“I’ll get this.” Spence stepped in with his no-non-sense attitude and stern manner, but there was a hint of a smile at the corners of his mouth as he took over her till. “You go take a break.”

“Not until I get Mrs. Finch’s Bible gift-wrapped.” She stubbornly turned to her work, the gift bag glinting with foil threads of silver and gold.

Mitch. How was she going to keep hold of her senses now? His thoughtfulness touched her in the worst possible places. Her love for him remained, dazzling and enduring even as she fought it.

“Open the gift,” Spence told her between ringing up sales. “It’s your birthday. It shouldn’t be a day of all work and no celebration.”

“But that’s why I’m here.” She folded the last corner on Mrs. Finch’s gift and taped it down neatly. “I’ll open it later, when we’re not so busy.”

“What am I going to do with you?” Stern, Spence shook his head and frowned at her, but the concern in his eyes betrayed him.

She didn’t know what she was going to do with herself either. She could not let herself start believing in fairy tales and happily ever afters. She was not Cinderella. She would not take a single step off her chosen path, the safe one God had graciously given her to walk. See what heartache came from dreaming? From wishing, just a little?

She secured a generous length of ribbon and made an extravagant bow on Mrs. Finch’s package, slipped it into a shopping bag with a few coupons and complimentary sugar-free candy canes, and delivered it to Opal, who was enjoying a cup of apple cider and was pleased with the wrapping.

The store was busy with holiday shoppers, moms toting their babies or pushing strollers, families bursting with secrets as they browsed the store. It was like looking at the pieces of her broken hopes, seeing the happiness around her. The first year losing Joe had broken her to the core, and she had finally, two years after that, come to a numb acceptance.

Deep in her heart, in the secret quiet places only God knew, was the little girl’s wish for a real family, a place to belong and someone to cherish with all of her heart. She used to believe God’s promise that there would be good in her life. And love, which was the greatest of all.

But here she was, twenty-five today, with plenty of blessings and a calling to do good in this world, and what was she doing? Wishing for more than she deserved. And she knew it. Why? Because at the back of her mind she was waiting for the other shoe to fall. It was her birthday. That could only mean one thing.

“I want to see this gift,” Katherine told her, after seeing Holly to the door. “Go into my office if you want some privacy first, but Kelly, this is a big deal.”

“No, it’s a birthday gift, something thoughtful, but it doesn’t mean—”

“It does. You’re still in contact with him, right?”

Kelly felt the twist of pain but she swallowed it down. Mitch. Each passing day she’d thought of him. Each day she’d resisted checking her e-mail. How did she explain? She didn’t understand it herself. “I’m not dating him. You know that we’re just friends.”