Authors: Joel Coen
Larry stares at her. Mrs. Samsky gazes back. Her look displays
equanimity; his, not
.
Finally:
LARRY
… What do you mean?
Her look holds for one more beat and then she swivels and opens the
drawer of an end table
.
She turns back with a joint
.
MRS. SAMSKY
It’s something I do. For recreation.
She lights it
.
LARRY
That’s … marijuana?
MRS. SAMSKY
Mm-hmm.
She hands the joint over.
… You’ll find you’ll need the iced tea.
Larry handles the bitty cigarette with trepidation
.
LARRY
Is it … well … okay …
Some minutes later. They drift and click in the air blown from the floor
vents
.
Larry stares at them
.
After a long beat:
LARRY
Maybe Rabbi Scott was right.
MRS. SAMSKY
Who’s Rabbi Scott?
LARRY
The junior rabbi.
MRS. SAMSKY
The junior rabbi.
Another long beat. Neither person feels compelled to speak.
The joint makes another trip back and forth.
Then:
… What did he say?
LARRY
He spoke of … perception. All my problems are just … just a … a mere …
He trails off, listening
.
… Is that a siren?
MRS. SAMSKY
No. Some people get a little paranoid when they … Holy cow … That
is
a siren.
The Samskys’ door bursts open and Larry stumbles out. He stares
.
The police car has stopped in front of his own house next door, lightbar
still flashing. Two cops are going up the walk, escorting Uncle Arthur
in handcuffs
.
Larry, stunned, walks woodenly toward his house
.
LARRY
Hey!
Neither the cops nor Uncle Arthur has heard. They have rung the
doorbell and now disappear inside
.
Larry calls louder
–
… HEY!
–
and starts to sprint. Behind him Mrs. Samsky has emerged from her
house
.
At his house Larry takes the stoop steps two at a time. His door stands
open and the theme from F Troop issues from within
.
Just inside the two policemen stand with their backs to us and Uncle
Arthur in between. The three men face Danny, who addresses them,
projecting over the music from the TV
.
DANNY
Sort of. He sleeps on the couch.
LARRY
This is crazy!
This brings the cops’ look around. Uncle Arthur also turns, shamefaced,
to Larry
.
COP
Does this man live here?
ARTHUR
I didn’t know what to tell them! They asked for my address –
LARRY
It’s just mathematics! You can’t arrest a man for mathematics!
ARTHUR
I didn’t know whether to say I lived here or at the Jolly Roger.
COP
You know this man?
ARTHUR
I figured this would sound more … I don’t know …
Mrs. Samsky appears behind Larry on the stoop
.
DANNY
Dad, why is Uncle Arthur in handcuffs?
LARRY
It’s all a mistake. I mean, not a mistake, a, a –
ARTHUR
Hello, Mrs Samsky.
LARRY
–a
mis
carriage –
COP
Does this man live here?
DANNY
He sleeps on the couch.
LARRY
Look! What did he do!
ARTHUR
Nothing! I didn’t do anything!
DANNY
It folds out. Dad sleeps on a cot.
LARRY
You can’t just –
COP
Sir, we picked this man up at the North Dakota.
Larry is brought up short
.
LARRY
… The North Dakota!
ARTHUR
But I didn’t
do
anything!
DANNY
Dad, what’s the North Dakota?
COP
Solicitation. Sodomy. Very serious.
LARRY
… The North Dakota!
DANNY
What’s sodomy, Dad?
Don Milgram sits thinking, bouncing steepled fingers against his nose.
Larry waits for his analysis
.
Finally:
DON
What does Arthur say?
LARRY
He says he didn’t do anything.
DON
Uh-huh.
LARRY
He says … he just went in for a drink.
DON
Uh-huh.
Long beat
.
… Does Arthur drink?
LARRY
No.
DON
Uh-huh.
LARRY
… He says he was confused.
DON
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well. The North Dakota. Well. You’ll need a criminal attorney.
LARRY
Okay. Who’s –
DON
Ron Meshbesher.
LARRY
Is he good?
DON
Ron is very good.
Larry’s gaze wanders. He becomes wistful
.
LARRY
I don’t understand. He goes to mixers at the Hillel House.
DON
Mm.
A beat
.
… I would call Ron Meshbesher.
LARRY
Is he expensive?
DON
Ron is not cheap.
An uncomfortable beat, broken by a knock at the door. Don projects:
Yeah?
The door cracks open. A pipe edges in, followed by a peeking face:
Solomon Schlutz.
… Oh, good! Sol, come on in, we could use some good news.
Solomon Schlutz is a large man in shirtsleeves and suspenders. He
has the smooth impassive face of a sphinx with a pipe clenched in its
teeth
.
He glides into the room, a sheaf of files tucked under one arm.
… Sol has been looking into the property-line issues …
… He wouldn’t tell me the details but he seems to think there’s a nifty way out of this. Says it was pure luck that he caught something.
A confirming grunt from Solomon Schlutz as he continues to arrange
the files, his eye occasionally lingering on a specific page.
… I guess that’s why you’re full partner, huh Sol?
This sally does not even earn a grunt from Solomon Schlutz, who
continues to shuffle papers into order, now and then pausing to squint
.
Don smiles at Larry and fills the silence:
… Danny’s bar mitzvah is …?
LARRY
This week.
DON
This shabbas! Great!
Solomon Schlutz clears his throat and both men instantly give him
their attention
.
He carefully justifies the edges of the closest pile of papers, takes the
pipe from his mouth, gives Larry a smile that seems to take some
effort, and then taps the pipe in a large glass ashtray
.
He looks up again at Larry, this time shocked. His stunned look on
Larry holds for a long beat
.
Larry returns a bewildered look
.
Solomon Schlutz, staring at Larry as if he were some sort of monster,
emits one barking syllable:
SOLOMON SCHLUTZ
Gah!
His stare holds. He reddens
.
DON
… Sol?
Solomon Schlutz’s face travels from the red end of the spectrum to the
violet
.
SOLOMON SCHLUTZ
Nnnnff!
The pipe clatters out of his hand. The hand grabs at his own shirt
front.
… Glufffl …
Now his head pitches back. His backflung weight and twisting body
send his chair tipping over, one hand still clutching at his chest while
the other frantically waves. He disappears behind the conference table
and lands with a floor-shaking thump. His writhing and gurgling
remain audible
.
DON
Sol! Sol!
Don Milgram has risen to look down at his fallen colleague; now he
flings open the conference room door and bellows into the office:
An ambulance! Quick! Somebody call an ambulance! A doctor!
A secretary looks in and screams
.
SOLOMON SCHLUTZ
Garf! … Nnlogl …
Larry walks into the outer office clutching his briefcase, eyes wide,
shell-shocked. The secretary looks up from her phone
.
SECRETARY
Dick Dutton. Columbia Record Club.
LARRY
Heart attack. Call back.
Larry sits in heavily behind his desk
.
A beat
.
He opens the top-left desk drawer. He withdraws the bulging white
envelope and opens its flap
.
He runs a finger over the wad of bills
.
VOICE
Larry?
He looks up, startled
.
Arlen Finkle stands in the doorway.
… As you know, the tenure committee meets – are you all right?
Larry sits frozen, holding the envelope
.
LARRY
I’m … fine.
ARLEN FINKLE
I’m sorry. I know you’ve hit a rough patch.
LARRY
Thank you. I’m fine.
He puts the envelope in the desk drawer and closes it
.
ARLEN FINKLE
Uh-huh. Well. As you know, the tenure committee meets next Wednesday to make its final determinations. If there’s –
LARRY
Arlen, I am not an evil man!
Arlen looks at him, shocked
.
ARLEN FINKLE
Larry! Of course not!
LARRY
I am
not
–
ARLEN FINKLE
We don’t make
moral
judgements!
LARRY
I went to the Aster Art
once
. I saw
Swedish Reverie
.
ARLEN FINKLE
It’s okay, Larry, we don’t need to know! The tenure committee –
LARRY
It wasn’t even erotic! Although it was, in a way.
ARLEN FINKLE
It’s all right, Larry. Believe me.
Larry calms somewhat
.
LARRY
… Okay.
ARLEN FINKLE
Okay. Okay. We, uh, we decide on Wednesday, so if there’s anything you want to submit in support of your tenure application, we should have it by then. That’s all.
LARRY
Submit. What? What do you –
ARLEN FINKLE
Well. Anything. Published work. Anything else you’ve done outside of the institution. Any work that we might not be aware of.
LARRY
I haven’t done anything.
ARLEN FINKLE
Uh-huh.
LARRY
I haven’t published.
ARLEN FINKLE
Uh-huh.
LARRY
Are you still getting those letters?
ARLEN FINKLE
Uh-huh.
LARRY
Those anonymous –
ARLEN FINKLE
Yes, I know. Yes.
A beat. Larry nods
.
LARRY
Okay. Okay. Wednesday.
ARLEN FINKLE
Okay. Don’t worry. Doing nothing is not bad. Ipso facto. It’s okay, relax. Try to relax.
Larry is making strenuous love to Mrs. Samsky
.
MRS. SAMSKY
So good … so good …
She rolls on top of Larry to straddle him and, while humping, she
lights a mentholated cigarette. Larry moans
.
LARRY
Oh my God, Mrs Samsky …
Above her head is the low cottage-cheese ceiling of the bedroom.
Outside we can hear Mr. Brandt mowing the lawn
.
We hear the front door opening
.
Larry hisses:
… Who is it?
Footsteps are approaching along the hall. Mrs. Samsky does not react;
her look, though uninvolved, stays on Larry even as the bedroom door
opens behind her and Clive Park enters wearing a traffic mask
.
Larry is mortified:
Clive, please! Wait outside!
Mrs. Samsky blows smoke into Larry’s eyes
.
Close on Larry as his eyes close against the smoke and then open
again. A shadow falls across his face
.