A SEAL's Pleasure (17 page)

Damn. Gabriel almost frowned but caught himself.

“Like I said, I can't resist a challenge.”

She didn't move. She barely blinked. But he could see her reel back as though she'd been slapped. She shook her head, as if trying to deny his claim.

“Ask any of the team,” he suggested quietly. “They'll tell you.”

Her gaze shifted around the room as if she were debating which one to ask. Not doubting for a second that she'd take the question to every single one of them, Gabriel squared his shoulders. He didn't want this to get ugly. One of the things he'd always prided himself on was that no relationship he'd ever been in had ended in anger.

Then again, he was pretty sure this was his first actual relationship. So there went his pride.

Gabriel scowled when shouts and applause filled the room, then he realized it wasn't over his downfall. He flicked a glance over Tessa's shoulder.

“Looks as if the bride and groom are saying their goodbyes.” He paused, then forced the words out. “I've got to report to base, so I'll say mine now, too.”

Her eyes rounded, her quick intake of breath catching before she managed to exhale. He felt about as low as a slug and knew he deserved to be squashed like one.

He waited for the recriminations. He wouldn't blame her if she hauled off and slapped him. He deserved anything and everything she shot his way.

But Tessa never went the typical route.

“Well, I guess we're through, then,” she said with a brittle smile. “I'm off to say goodbye to Livi. And you're off to the rest of your life. Good luck with that.”

She gave a toss of her hair, turned and sauntered away without another look.

Gabriel watched her go. It took every bit of strength he had not to call her back.

His grandfather, in all his wisdom, had never promised that walking the right path would be easy. But he'd never indicated that it'd be hard enough to make Gabriel believe that hearts could actually break.

13

M
ENTAL
-
HEALTH
DAYS
were for indulging. They were for curling up in jammies, huddling under a blanket with cocoa and pretending the rest of the world didn't exist. That Tessa had been doing the same thing every day since last Tuesday, when she'd fled Catalina, was beside the point.

Mental-health days weren't for having to haul her stiff body off the couch while wearing her rattiest pajamas—granted, they were only deemed ratty because they weren't silk—with her hair blown out and her face puffy from a five-day crying binge.

But some stubborn pain in the neck kept leaning on her doorbell, leaving Tessa no choice. She peered through the peephole, then closed her swollen eyes and groaned.

She didn't want to do this. She really didn't.

But she knew she had no choice.

So with a deep breath, and a bright fake smile, she opened the door.

“You forgot this.” Not waiting for a greeting, Livi lifted a small box, the pretty purple foil glinting in the light as she strode into the apartment. “Your maid-of-honor gift.”

“Aren't you supposed to be reveling in the glow of your honeymoon?” Tessa asked, letting the door shut with a bang. “Not delivering packages?”

“Believe it or not, I'm perfectly capable of handling more than one thing at a time.”

Uh-oh. Tessa knew that tone. It was Livi's rarely heard gonna-kick-some-butt tone. Figuring it was the safest route, Tessa planted her own butt on the relative safety of the couch.

“I never said otherwise,” she pointed out once she was settled.

“No? Then maybe you can fill me in on why you shut me out.” Tossing the gift aside with enough force that Tessa seriously hoped it wasn't breakable, Livi started pacing the room.

“I didn't shut you out.” Exactly. “You had so much going on, I simply chose not to add to your stress level.”

“But see, here's the thing,” Livi said in a tone riddled with hurt. “You were so busy not stressing me out that you forgot that you're supposed to be my friend.”

“Why would I worry about your stress if I wasn't your friend?” Tessa snapped, suddenly furious. For months she'd kept her mouth shut, tried to be supportive. And this was what she got for it?

“I don't know what that was,” Livi said with a shrug, her expression just as angry as Tessa's. “All I know is that it belittled our years of real friendship, mocked what we're supposed to be to each other.”

Her jaw sinking to her chest, Tessa muttered, “Why don't you just kick me in the face? It'd be easier to take.”

“How do you think I feel?” Livi demanded, throwing her hands in the air. “Do you think I like hearing big news from other people? You'd think after all these years you'd care enough to tell me yourself.”

Big news?

What was she talking about? Tessa would usually pace at this point but she was afraid if she got off the couch she'd be mowed down.

“Wait.” One hand rubbing the throbbing pain between her eyebrows, Tessa lifted her other hand in the air. “This isn't about your wedding?”

“My wedding? Why would I be upset about that?” The confusion in her eyes didn't lighten Livi's scowl.

“Because I didn't speak up more? Because I let Pauline run roughshod all over you instead of letting you have the wedding you wanted?” Tessa puffed out a breath and let her hands fall to her lap. “Because I jumped in with both feet, rearranged your entire ceremony and ended up doing the exact same thing as Pauline, only worse because I didn't even tell you while I was doing it.”

Midrecital of all Tessa's crimes, Livi stopped pacing. She stood in the middle of the living room, her hands planted on her hips and her expression shifting from confused to irritated and then on to angry.

“Why the hell wouldn't you tell me any of that?” Livi demanded, towering over her like an avenging Valkyrie. She was almost a foot taller than Tessa to start with and built like a chiseled statue, but it was the rounded belly poking out at her that held the strongest intimidation factor.

Angling her chin at a stubborn angle helped avoid looking at the accusing baby bump and let Tessa offer her haughtiest stare.

“Every time I tried, you said you were fine with Pauline's tyranny, remember? Added to that, stress could endanger your pregnancy. Besides, you really didn't seem to want my involvement since every single thing I had anything to do with you ended up changing.”

Whether it was the stare or the mention of her pregnancy, Tessa didn't know. But the anger drained from Livi's face.

“You didn't seem that interested,” the blonde murmured, dropping to the couch. She pushed one hand through her hair, then shifted to tuck one foot under her so she could angle her body toward Tessa. “Or maybe I was just so busy trying to keep from going crazy that I didn't pay attention.”

With anyone else, Tessa would toss off a smart-ass remark, something cutting that echoed the hurt she felt. She pressed her lips tight, but couldn't hold on to enough anger to even glare. After all, this was Livi.

But without the anger, all that was left was the hurt.

Still pressing her lips tight, now to keep them from trembling, she took a deep breath while trying to figure out how to explain without adding any more pain to her friend's face.

“I didn't want to upset you,” she admitted quietly. “You already had one person nagging at you. I figured another was more than you or the baby needed.”

“And?” Livi prompted, the stubborn look on her face making it clear that she wanted it all.

Tessa sighed and gave it to her as gently as she could.

“You were busy planning to be a wife and mother. You changed Stripped Down Fitness to a workout style that I don't fit into. You're starting a new life that I don't seem to have a place in.” Hating the hurt she could see her words causing, Tessa bit her lip before forcing herself to continue. “So much was going on. And I was—I am—thrilled for you. But I felt as if I was losing your friendship.”

“I don't understand how that's possible.” Livi shook her head, her face both perplexed and hurt. “We've been friends our entire adult lives. We work together. We play together. We were friends through my first wedding, lousy marriage and nasty divorce. Why wouldn't we stay friends through my happy marriage, morning sickness and motherhood?”

Tessa had no answer to that, so she settled on a shrug.

“If you weren't upset about the wedding stuff, what did you come here to bitch me out about?” she asked. Had Livi found out that Gabriel had dumped her?

“Your job.”

Oh.

“Maeve stopped by this morning,” Livi continued, her fingers tapping an aggravated beat on the arm of the couch. “Imagine my surprise when, along with the clever music box she brought for the baby, she shared her worry over your holing up here in your apartment.”

That sank into Tessa's belly with a greasy thud.

“I guess I didn't say much about what was going on with
Flirtatious
,” she admitted. Before she could offer up an excuse, Livi growled like a rabid mother bear.

“Much?” Livi repeated, showing that for all her sweet demeanor, she could do smart-ass with the best of them. “You mean much, like the fact that you sold your company? Much, like letting me in on how upset you must have been to give up something you've spent years building? Or maybe sharing what you're going to do next?”

“I should have told you,” Tessa said with a wince.

“You should have trusted me,” Livi amended.

“Trusted you? How do you figure that?”

“If you trusted me, you'd have faith in me. Not just in my being capable of juggling wedding drama, but in my being strong enough to listen to your worries without falling apart. You'd trust me to be your sounding board while you worked out your job issues and you'd know I'd have your back if you ran into trouble.” Each word grew sharper until Livi's tone cut like a knife. “That's what trust is.”

“I trust you,” Tessa protested. “I was simply protecting you. That's what friends do, isn't it?”

“No,” Livi said, her expression not softening an iota. “You were protecting you. Why?”

Tessa knew her bottom lip was drooping, but she couldn't help it. There was nothing pretty about having the truth rubbed in her face.

“I didn't want you to know what a fraud I was,” she finally admitted, the words tearing out of her in a painful rush. “I'm supposed to be so savvy and clever, with my finger on the pulse of all things sexy. But I haven't been to a club in months. I'm so bored with the singles scene. I used to love writing and now I have to bribe myself with the promise of new shoes to meet each deadline.”

“Tessa, you've been doing this for a long time. You're bound to burn out on it.”

“Do you ever burn out on fitness?”

“I would if I did the same workout all the time.” Livi rubbed her hand over Tessa's knee. “Look, I know what you do is more than a job, it's how you define yourself. I do that, too. But if you're going to use that as a yardstick, you need to count the good stuff and not just the bad. You're damned good at what you do and you've built an excellent reputation doing it.”

“It wasn't just my job I felt like a fraud at,” she admitted, barely above a whisper, as she looked at her hands.

“You're not going to spout some crazy idea about feeling as if you weren't a good friend again, are you?” Livi asked, that sharp edge in her tone once more. “Because if you do I'm going to have to claim that I'm a selfish one since I was too self-absorbed to realize everything you were going through. And you don't want to make me admit that. I'll feel bad and probably give the baby wrinkles.”

Tessa looked up with a watery laugh.

“Thanks.” Tessa leaned over to give Livi a hug. She might not be a fraud, but she was damned lucky. It didn't matter if she easily fit into the mold she'd carefully designed for herself any longer. What mattered was the reason why.

Because she'd grown. As a person, as a writer, even as a friend. And her world was bigger now because of it.

“So,” Livi said after a few healing minutes, “want to fill me in on all of those worries you have over my marriage?”

“Why don't I do you one better,” Tessa said with a deep breath and the mental image of diving off a cliff. “Why don't I fill you in on all of my worries over falling in love with Gabriel.”

“Love? You're using the
love
word? Oh, my God.” Livi clapped her hands, her face lit with joy. “Wait? You and Gabriel? Hang on, we need chocolate for this.”

By the time they'd devoured Tessa's sadly depleted stash of cookies, Livi had heard the whole story and Tessa felt more like herself than she had in months.

Especially when Livi's eyes narrowed with indignant fury on her behalf.

“You let him get away with that? Just, what? Let him walk?”

“Well, what was I supposed to do?” Tessa scowled. “Tie him up and make him my love slave? I think there are rules against that.”

“You were supposed to do what you'd tell anyone else to. Call him on the bullshit and force him to be honest about what was going on. Holy crap, Tess, even I would do that much.” Livi shook a cookie at her. “But you pushed him away instead. You let him get away with it because you were scared. You were protecting yourself again.”

Tessa tried to respond, but the chocolate chips had turned to sawdust in her mouth. Livi took advantage by snagging the last cookie.

Had she let him push her away?

Tessa pressed her finger against the cookie crumbs left on the plate, realizing that she'd been so busy thinking that she was a fraud at things she was great at, she'd figured there was no chance she wouldn't be one at something she'd never thought she'd be good at. Then she gave Livi a glum look.

“You're right. I blew it. What am I supposed to do now?” she asked, for the first time in her life lost on how to handle a situation with the opposite sex. “He pushed me away for a reason. What's the point in calling him on it?”

“The point comes down to what you want. Do you want to make him pay for hurting you? Or do you want to make him see that the two of you are perfect for each other?”

* * *

G
ABRIEL
STEPPED
OFF
the elevator to Mitch and Livi's apartment, the memory of the last time he'd been here flooding him with a needy sort of pleasure.

With the same narrow focus and determination that got him through brutal workouts and ugly battles, he shoved that memory right back out of his mind. It'd been two weeks since he'd last seen Tessa, though, and his theory that it'd get easier with time was proving to be complete crap. Instead of fading from his memory, her image was growing sharper, the need for her more edgy and pronounced.

Put it aside
, he ordered himself as he approached the apartment door. He and Irish were back on an even keel, the other man insisting that everything was fine. Even the mission had gone well. Gabriel figured that was what tonight was. A friendly dinner invitation to prove that everything was copacetic.

But while Irish might have absolved him of the guilt of ruining his wedding, Gabriel hadn't forgiven himself for putting the team in jeopardy. Since he knew that fact just irritated the other man, he'd been putting on his friendliest face, pretending everything was cool. Things like showing up at Irish's instead of copping a much-needed nap in the barracks.

“Reporting as ordered,” he said, throwing Irish a salute when the other man opened the door.

“Smart-ass remarks won't help,” Irish told him, stepping back to gesture him inside. “Actually, I'm going to wish you luck because I'm not sure there's any help for you now.”