A Royal Mess (16 page)

By the time he had finished his explanation, Billy, Tarquin and a few other boys had opened their doors to watch the scene.

‘I see,’ said Kate. Well, do any of you chaps know where she’s from?’ she put it to the ever-increasing number of boys coming out to have a look at me.

I felt myself shrinking inside the robe. ‘My name’s,
hic,
Calypso,’ I told her quietly.
‘Hic,
Calypso Kelly.’

‘She’s from Saint Augustine’s,’ Billy offered.

‘A friend of my sister’s,’ Tarquin added darkly.

Well, I’d better ring Sister Constance and inform her that I’m driving you back to school, Miss Kelly. It’s a good thing our Head is in bed along with all the rest of the beaks.’ Then she turned to the boys. ‘Good night, gentlemen. And Mr McHamish, please don’t smoke in the corridor; you know it’s against fire regulations.’

‘Right, yes, blast the bloody regulations. Such a lot of
rot.’ He smiled at Kate, took a drag of his cigarette and stubbed it out on the floor and then took a sip of his champagne.

I was astonished that Kate didn’t scold him, but clearly Eades boys had more power when it came to matrons than we did.

The boys all said good night to Kate as if she were an employee. Billy thanked her for looking after me, which made me feel like a stray dog. Then they all shut their doors, and I was alone with Kate.

As I looked at her and she looked at me, I began to fear repercussions. My brave adventure had come to a soggy and miserable failure of an end. Far from convincing Freds of my undying affection, I had totally alienated him.

Kate didn’t say anything to me. She led me downstairs to her office, where she called Sister Constance. ‘I have one of your girls here,’ she explained. I couldn’t hear what Sister said to Kate, but I imagined her attitude to the situation wouldn’t be as casual as Kate’s. ‘No, no, that’s fine, Sister. I’ll drive her back,’ Kate continued. ‘Only three minutes away.’

Three minutes of terror away! Kate drove like a maniac. Her driving made Sister Regina’s seem safe in comparison, and Sister Regina is too short to see over the wheel. I could see over the wheel, though, as we sped around hairpin bend after hairpin bend.

One good thing about her reckless driving was that it made speaking impossible and proved to be just the fright
I needed to rid myself of the wretched hiccups, which were really starting to hurt my tummy. Thankfully it was a short journey, but there is nothing edifying about being driven back to school after midnight in a boy’s bathrobe by a matron who drives a smarter car than your own mother.

As we turned into my school’s car park, I could see the silhouette of Sister Constance standing on the entrance porch, and I could tell from her expression that she was not her usual composed, meditative self. Shame over my behaviour gave way to fear of what my punishment would be.

Kate had to come around and virtually drag me out of the car, I was so frozen with fear.

‘Thank you, Mrs Denning, I’ll take the matter from here,’ Sister Constance assured her. ‘It was very good of you to bring her back.’

‘Not at all, and please, Sister, call me Kate,’ she replied sweetly as she walked back towards her car.

‘I’m soooo sorry, Sister,’ I began in my most remorseful voice.

We’ll discuss what’s to be done about this matter when your mother arrives in the morning,’ was Sister’s curt reply.

When my mother arrives? But she works.’

‘I called her as soon as Mrs Denning called me. You are lucky that you were discovered by Mrs Denning, a most understanding young woman. I can’t bear to think of the scandal should one of the masters have found you. Nonetheless,
it was still my responsibility to call your mother. She will be here for a nine o’clock meeting.’

Gulp. ‘What did she say?’

But Sister wasn’t to be drawn, and merely escorted me to my dorm. Her silence was far worse than if she’d scolded me.

I crept into my room, planning to collect my pyjamas and change in the en suite, but I fell foul of Star, who was stretched out on my floor.

‘What happened?’ demanded Star excitedly, turning on her torch.

I wasn’t in the mood to discuss my evening of disaster, even with my best friend, but Star isn’t the sort of girl to let things drop. ‘Let’s see, I climbed up the wrong wall, where I was discovered by Malcolm clinging to the wisteria outside his room. He said I could dry my clothes in his room, so it was really lucky I wore my matching Snoopy –’

Star grabbed me round the shoulders. ‘Wait? You don’t mean Malcolm McHamish the filmmaker?’

‘I don’t know. He’s an Eades boy in the Lower Sixth. Anyway so he offers me champagne. And then Portia’s brother walks in, followed by Billy, followed by –’

‘I sent Billy to look for you,’ Portia whispered from her bed.

Thanks, well, he found me and my Snoopy underwear drying on Malcolm’s radiator and then –’

‘Is Malcolm really, really fit with red hair?’ Star probed.

‘I think the two are mutually exclusive actually, darling,’ Honey waded in.

‘You’re just jealous,’ Star snapped back.

‘You keep telling yourself that, Ginga features!’ Honey replied nastily, referring to Star’s own red hair.

I couldn’t believe everyone kept interrupting me! How many of them had braved the wisteria of Eades in the pouring rain and ended up busted by a matron called Kate who drives like a lunatic? None, that’s how many. Also, I could smell the delicious aroma of pizza. How could they have ordered pizza while I was drying my underwear in a strange boy’s room? While I was virtually choking to death on champagne they should have been biting their nails with worry, not munching on a delicious illicit pizza.

‘Look, doesn’t anyone actually want to hear what happened?’ I almost yelled. ‘Otherwise I’m going to get into my pyjamas and go to bed,’ I told them sulkily.

‘Sorry, darling,’ Star whispered. ‘Keep going, I won’t interrupt again, promise.’

‘Right, so the matron caught me naked, well semi-naked. I was wearing Malcolm’s robe – and yes he does have red hair – and then Freds walked in.’

‘OMG! What did he say?’ Star asked.

‘Shhhhh!’
Portia hushed. ‘Let her finish.’

‘Not much. Something like, “I don’t believe this,” and then he walked off in a strop.’

‘Shit,’ Star said simply.

‘I know. Can you imagine? There I was, sitting on
Malcolm’s bed, in Malcolm’s robe, knocking back champagne. Anyway, I chased after him, which is when I ran into Kate.’

‘Kate?’

‘Oh yes, Kate’s their matron, only she didn’t look or act a bit matronly. I mean, Malcolm was standing right in front of her smoking and drinking, and she didn’t do anything. Can you imagine!’

‘All boys’ schools are like that, darling. They treat them like grown men,’ Portia explained. ‘Whenever we go to Eades boating day, all the boys just wander around drinking and smoking, and when any of the beaks tell them to stop drinking they just say “Yes, sir” and carry on.’

Honey giggled. ‘I think it’s quite funny, actually.’

‘What?’

‘You being caught naked in another boy’s room, darling,’ she replied. ‘I think it’s hilarious, in fact. Freddie will never take you back now.’

‘She’s not a package,’ Star snapped at her before turning to me. ‘So anyway, what did this Kate woman say to you then?’

‘Nothing. She grabbed me by the robe, took me down to her office, called Sister, drove me back here and that was it.’

‘And what did Sister say?’ asked Portia.

‘She told me there will be a meeting with my mother tomorrow. I’m probably going to get expelled.’

‘Why didn’t you mace her?’ Honey asked. Then you
could have run off back to school and no one would have been the wiser.’

‘Oh yes, I should have maced her,’ I agreed sarcastically.

Star sneered, ‘And quite probably gone to jail. So anyway, what did Malcolm say?’

‘Does it actually matter what Malcolm said or didn’t say?’ I replied hotly. I was getting quite cross now with the way Star was obsessing over this Malcolm. ‘He didn’t say much, and I can’t be bothered remembering. In fact, I partly blame him for all this. If he hadn’t invited me in, urged me to take off my clothes, dry them on his radiator and drink champagne, I wouldn’t be in this mess! Look,’ I added, pausing mid-rant. ‘Sorry, but I’m tired, hungry and upset. I just want to go to bed. Not that I’ll be able to sleep. Sarah will probably make me move to Clapham with her.’

‘I’m sure Sister won’t be
that
horrible,’ Star assured me confidently.

‘Just say you ran away because you were upset about Sarah leaving Bob and coming from a broken home, darling. Nuns hate broken homes,’ Honey suggested. ‘You could hint that they abuse you; that’s bound to get you sympathy.’

Why did everyone keep saying I came from a broken home! ‘I don’t come from a broken home!’ I snapped.

‘Okay, okay, chill. God, I was only trying to be nice, darling,’ Honey said crossly. ‘It will tear at Sister’s heartstrings, that’s all. Think about it. She’s let Georgina get away with loads since her father married Koo-Koo.’

That’s completely different,’ I argued. ‘Bob and Sarah will sort things out. I mean, they –’

‘Hang on, Calypso,’ Star interrupted just as I began to feel uncertain of my argument. ‘As much as I hate to agree with Honey,’ Star said, ‘she has a point. Sarah and Bob are having problems, and I honestly don’t think Sister will want to make things any tougher on Sarah or you. Just relax for now. You’re upset and need some sleep. Things always seem better in the morning,’ she assured me, giving me a hug.

I felt tears banking up behind my eyes as I hugged her back. ‘Sorry if I was grumpy with you, and thanks for waiting up for me.’

‘Don’t be mad, we had fun. Just get some sleep. I’ll see you at breakfast. Sweet dreams.’

‘Night,’ I replied.

‘Night,’ added Portia as Star left.

‘At last,’ groaned Honey, punching her pillow. ‘Only children! They’re always sooo selfish,’ she sighed heavily.

If I wasn’t so tired and emotional I would have laughed.

‘Are you okay, Calypso?’ Portia asked gently as I crept into the en suite to clean my teeth.

‘Fine. I have to change,’ I told her. I was too upset to talk.

‘I ordered a pizza for you while you were out in case you were hungry when you got back. I noticed you didn’t eat at supper. It’s a small Hawaiian; the box is on your bed. It’s probably cold now.’

I was soooo touched – and starving after my night of high drama – that I almost threw myself on her and cuddled her.

As it was, I changed into my Hello Kitty PJs and consumed the cold pizza in the solitude of the bathroom so I wouldn’t disturb Honey. It was bliss.

FIFTEEN
The Quality of Mercy Is Not Strained – It’s Drained

Ravaging the pizza pretty much sorted me out hunger-wise and even calmed me down enough to get to sleep. Waking up was another matter. I never thought I’d say it, but I actually missed Miss Cribb’s little gong, which she used to bang millimetres from our ears until we woke up.

Miss Cribb’s torture-by-gong seemed mild in comparison to Miss Bibsmore’s stick. ‘Oi, Miss Kelly. Time to git up,’ she insisted, prodding at my ribs.

Even when I eventually darted out of bed, she managed a few more prods.

‘All right!’ I yelled. ‘I’m up, I’m up!’ I told her, dodging the stick as I struggled into my gown and slippers.

Well, be that as it may, I’m in the rhythm now and prod
I will until you is in that bathroom making yerself presentable innit!’

‘Fine!’ I yelled back as I dived into the ensuite, locking the door behind me. My previous night’s activities at Eades had left me looking like a drug-rehab patient. After a quick splash of water on my face, a flash brush of my teeth, I pulled my hairbrush through my hair and climbed into my uniform. By the time I ran past a mirror it was too late to do anything about my hideous frizzy acid rain hair. Apply the lip-gloss though I might, nothing was going to improve my confidence level that morning.