A Rose for Melinda (9 page)

Dancing, the thing I once did that made my life
mine, lies in ruins, like a crumbled wreck. I'd better stop writing because I'm getting melodramatic. I won't stop writing you ever again. That's a promise.

Melinda

TO:
Jesse
Subject:
Friendship

OK … to answer your latest e-mail accusation: I AM NOT ABANDONING MELINDA. (I'm shouting this answer to you.) For starters, I have to baby-sit my twin sisters (HALF sisters!) this summer while Mom and Bill work, so I don't have much time to go to the hospital and back. The hospital is miles from here and when traffic's bad (which is almost all the time in Atlanta), it takes almost an hour just to get there. That leaves me only weekends to visit her. Most of the time, Mom and Bill have other things to do on weekends, so they can't take me and it's a rare day they let me get into a car with teen drivers (like Pete, my boyfriend, whom they don't like me dating, but that's another story!).

So you see, crabbing me out for not visiting
Melinda more often isn't very fair. Yes, I know, now that I've explained everything, you're sorry.

Apology accepted.

Friends(?),
Bailey

MELINDA'S DIARY

August 1

Mrs. Houston brought Tanya and Kathi for a visit today. They looked SO good! So healthy. I wanted to crawl under the covers and hide because I do not look good or healthy. They kept talking about how much everyone missed me and how poorly they do in class without me there to “push them to perfection.” I know they're just giving me a line to make me feel better, but it was good to hear anyway.

Mrs. Houston says that just as soon as I'm able to resume classes, she'll work extra with me so that I can get back into shape more quickly. She said that she's saving a part in this year's
Nutcracker
and that dancers from the Denver Dance Company will be a part of our production. And that includes Natalie Blackbird, one of the best ballerinas in the
country! I promised all of them that I'll be back real soon. I mean it too! I will!

Elana's Journal

August 1

It's 2:30 a.m. and I'm sitting in the hospital chapel because I can't sleep. I've stayed in the room with Melinda most nights (there's a large chair that makes up into a bed, a lumpy bed), but once she falls asleep, I lie there wide awake. I come here because it's open around the clock and I find it quiet and peaceful. The room feels like a refuge to me. Behind the altar area is a beautiful stained-glass window of healing hands touching through a rainbow. The window's lit artificially from behind so that it looks as if it's never dark outside. It helps offset the darkness inside my heart.

Melinda's been here two weeks already and still no remission. I thought it would happen more quickly. She's getting the newest drugs, the most powerful weapons science has against leukemia, but remission remains elusive. Her cancer still lurks,
like a crouching lion, in her blood tests. How do I fight an enemy I can't see? How do I balance being Melinda's mother and her guardian? I know I hold on too tight. I can't help it.

I come here to pray. For strength. For healing. For wisdom. Sometimes the night seems endless and the days too rushed. Oh, what I'd give to go back to my mundane life of schlepping my daughter to dance rehearsals, of grocery shopping, summer cookouts, and busywork. I miss Lenny when he flies out for days at a time. I miss my life. I want Melinda well and whole. And home.

Yes, I want her home!

MELINDA'S DIARY

August 4

I promise to be nicer to Mom. It's not her fault I'm stuck here (unless leukemia turns out to be genetic, then it IS all her fault! A little humor). I don't know why I take it out on her. I can see how it hurts her, but I'm nasty anyway. Bad ME! But I will do better. I swear!

audio transcription by
dr. leigh neely, oncologist,
for insertion into medical
file of melinda skye:

Melinda Skye's case continues to prove stubborn. I'm adjusting her protocols and willintroduce SGX-243. It's experimental, but she fits the parameters of suggested use and I believe her case calls for it. Will monitor her closely for the adverse side effects mentioned in the drug studies. Her family continues to be supportive and open to treatment options. Melinda is a strong-willed girl with above-average intelligence that will serve her well during the difficult months ahead. Submitted: 8:10 P.M., August 4

MELINDA'S DIARY

August (whatever!)

I absolutely, positively, categorically WILL NOT spend my birthday in this hospital. I told Dr. Neely this morning to either fix me or cut me loose, because I want OUT. He said he's trying something new. I hope so, because I'm so sick of this place I could scream.

Elana's Journal

August 5

Dr. Neely told us that he wants to try a new drug on Melinda because he's not getting the “required results” from other drugs. The new medication is part of a clinical trial and, according to him, results have been promising. It's a hard choice to make. Lenny's more daring than I and he wants to give the go-ahead. I'm more hesitant.

The side effects sound grim—weight gain, bleeding gums, sudden nosebleeds, brittle bones.
The brittle bones part scares me the most. Doesn't anyone realize that she can't ever dance if her bones begin to break? Lenny reminds me that these are potential side effects, and that Melinda may not experience any of them. Dr. Neely says she'll be closely monitored and that once remission is achieved, the dosage will be decreased and eventually he will wean her off of it and onto a more standardized regimen.

My foot-dragging has caused friction between Lenny and me. I don't like that, because we really need to lean on each other. I don't know what to do. Lenny wants it. Dr. Neely wants it. Melinda wants it. I'm the only holdout. I want Melinda well, but at what cost?

MELINDA'S DIARY

August 10

That Bailey is such a nut! Today she brought a stack of teen magazines and her entire brand-new school wardrobe to model for me. She had drawn up a chart listing the clothes and three columns:
Consider It, Burn It, Buy It. As she modeled each piece, I checked off my opinion. Then she said she'd go shopping for me and get the things I liked best. That way, I'll have new clothes for school without ever setting foot inside a store. And of course, they'll be “of the moment” because Bailey's so hip about fashion.

It really perked my day. Even Mom got into it and offered her opinions. She said she'd give Bailey the money to get whatever I wanted. What we didn't say out loud is that I won't be starting school on time. I'm trying not to think about that because we have to “wait and see” until I know how I handle my treatments. (Or is it how they handle me?)

I started the new drug combos today and I think I feel better already. (That's the power of positive thinking!) Mom finally caved, but I know she's not thrilled about it. Dad and I ganged up on her— unfair, but necessary. It's MY body and MY disease. I said, “Experiment on me. Please. Just get me out of here!”

It looks like I won't be shaving my legs for a long, long time. “Chemo hair loss” means more than saying goodbye to the hair on top of my head. My eye brows are gone and so are my eyelashes (not to
mention body hair in very private places!). Dr. Neely says it'll grow back when chemo's over, but for now I look smooth and round as a pumpkin. I'm glad I'm in the school's homebound program and everyone can't see what a freak-a-zoid I've become. I refuse to go to school until I look better NO MAT
TER WHAT.