A Rocker and a Hard Place (6 page)

“How’s Connor?” I asked, unable to keep my nose out of Emma’s private life.

“He’s good. He has been traveling for work, but he’ll be back in town tomorrow.” Emma pulled her feet up and hugged her legs to her chest.

“Does he know about me?”

She tensed almost imperceptibly. “He does.”

“I take it he’s not a fan?”

At this, she laughed. “Actually, he’s a big fan of your music. But he’s not really excited about the idea of us spending so much time together.”

“Emma, these last few days have been… confusing. I don’t know if I’ve ever
been angrier or happier or more lost. But for the first time in a really long time, I feel alive again.” She had told me her history, everything that had shaped her in the last ten years. But I hadn’t told her anything about my own story.

“Sounds like you’ve got
ten the hang of this parenting thing,” she said. “You’re not getting cold feet? Because you’re about ten years too late for that.”

“No
cold feet,” I said. “I just want don’t to screw this up. I want to be the kind of dad that T.J. deserves.”

“What makes you think you’re going to screw this up?”

I ran a hand through my hair and sighed. “I screw up everything, Emma. It’s the only thing I’m good at these days.”

“I don’t believe that.” Emma looked at me and I knew she wasn’t seeing the broken man that I had become; she saw the hopeful boy I had once been. That was Emma- always seeing the best in me. “You’re a better man than you know.”

“How can you say that after everything?”

“Because you’re here right now. You found out the truth about me and T.J., and you didn’t run away. You could have. A lot of men would have. But you didn’t.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that I left you a long time ago. If I would have done things right then, your life would be entirely different now.”

T.J. spotted us on the porch and he waved furiously as he ran past.

“But then I wouldn’t have T.J.” Emma shook her head. “My life would be nothing without him in it.”

I watched our son jump over a bush, laughing and teasing his friends. His joy was infectious. “I think I know how you feel,
Em.”

“Good. The next time he gets sick and is projectile vomiting, you’ll be the first one I call.” She was teasing, but only just a little. Because what she said was also true.

“I’d prefer it if you didn’t have to call me at all. I’d prefer it if it could always be like this, with the three of us together.” I had no idea those words were going to come out of my mouth but once they did, I didn’t regret them.

“Tyler.” Emma’s lips pressed into a firm, thin line. It was a face I recognized well.

I held up a hand to stop the argument I knew was coming. “I know. You’ve got a life here that doesn’t include me. I respect that. I’m not going to say I’m happy about it because I’m not, but if you’re happy, then that’s all that matters.”

“You mean Connor?”

“Connor and whatever else is going on in your life that doesn’t include me. You’re entitled to have your own life, Emma. I just want to be a small part of it.”

“You’re already more than a small part of it.”

I thought she was talking about T.J., but she got to her feet. She padded inside and returned a moment later, holding yet another book.

“Another baby book?” I guessed.

“Not exactly.” She looked down at the leather-bound book and ran her finger over the cover. “You asked if I had planned to tell T.J. about you. Honestly, I thought about that moment from the second he was born. And while I never knew exactly when it would happen, I always knew what I wanted to tell him, what I wanted him to know about you and about us.”

She handed me the book and I saw that it was titled,
The Story of Us
.

Emma

T.J. couldn’t stop playing his new guitar. He played it until his little fingers were raw and bloody. Even then, he kept playing. He only stopped when I made him, to eat or to go to bed. Then he did nothing but talk about Tyler. Two days passed without Tyler stopping by and I thought T.J. would run out of things to say, but somehow he didn’t.

“Can Tyler come over for dinner again?”

I had convinced T.J. to set aside the guitar long enough to accompany me to the grocery store. He hadn’t exactly come willingly so he’d been spending most of his time pouting.

“Connor is coming over tonight. We’re having dinner with him.”

T.J. groaned. “Why?”

“Because I like Connor. He’s an important person in my life and I haven’t seen him in a while.” I threw a box of cereal in the cart. “He’s excited to see you, too.”

“Yeah, right,” T.J. muttered. “He’s only nice to me because he wants to sleep with you.”

“What did you say?” I grabbed his arm and whirled him around. “Where did you learn that?”

T.J. shrugged. “Television.”

“I have got to figure out how to set up the parental controls.”

“I’ll show you.” T.J. grinned.

I tussled his hair. “How did I get such a smart
alec for a kid?”

“You’re just lucky.”

I pulled him in for a quick hug. “Darn straight. Now go get us some milk.”

Later, after I put our groceries in the truck bed, I looked around for T.J. He had pushed the cart back inside and was on his way back to me, but something had distracted him.

“Look, Mom!” T.J. waved excitedly. “It’s Tyler!”

Of course.

I waved, trying to seem friendly without also being inviting. I failed.

Tyler followed T.J. back to the truck. “I haven’t seen you around the shop the past couple of days.”

He’d been looking for me.

“I was only in during the mornings.” I had taken the afternoons off to spend time with T.J. He would be leaving for camp soon and I wanted us to have some time together.

“I wish I would’ve know that. It would’ve saved me a couple of trips.” Tyler smiled and I tried not to think about how good he looked.

T.J. saw an opening. “If you want to see Mom, you should come over for dinner tonight.”

“T.J.,” I hissed his name.

“What?” He feigned innocence. “We just bought all this food for dinner. You have a friend coming over, so why can’t I?”

“Hey, that’s alright.” Tyler could tell I wasn’t happy. “I’ve got big dinner plans myself.”

“Oh, do you?” I smiled, appreciative that he was trying to let me out of an awkward situation.

“Definitely.” He winked at me. “I’ve got the pizza delivery guy on speed dial.”

T.J. turned to me. “Come on, Mom. That pizza sucks.”

“Hey, watch your language.”

T.J. and Tyler were both grinning- identical, toothy smiles. They both knew exactly what card to play. “Fine. Tyler, would you like to come to dinner?”

“That sounds wonderful.” Tyler held out his hand and T.J. slapped it. “Well played, mate.”

“This was a conspiracy!” I said. I should’ve known that they had planned to tag-team me. “No fair.”

“Buck up, blondie.” Tyler started backing away. “I’ll bring a pie.”

I called after him, “Seven o’clock. Don’t be late!”

T.J. was in a much better mood when we got home. Now that Tyler would be coming over, he followed me around the house talking incessantly.

“Do you think Tyler will show me how to play an entire song?” T.J. took the stack of plates I handed him.

“Probably.” I tried to listen to him, but my mind was distracted by the fact that Connor and Tyler would be in the same room this evening. “You’ll have to ask him. Now, take those into the dining room.”

T.J. hurried away and reappeared in seconds. “Danny
Little says that Tyler is a famous musician. Is that true?”

“Danny
Little is three years older than you. What are you doing hanging out with him?” I started peeling the carrots, taking out my nervous energy on the helpless vegetables.

“He was at the picnic. Anyway, is it true?”

I handed him the silverware. “Yes, it’s true. Go.”

Now it was time to chop the potatoes. Each hack was delightfully satisfying.

“I bet Connor won’t be happy that Tyler is coming,” T.J. said, back at my elbow.

There was a knock at the door and I was grateful for the interruption.

“I’ve got it!” T.J. was off in a flash. I could tell from his cheerful greeting that our guest wasn’t Connor.

“I come bearing
freshly baked pie,” Tyler said, proudly holding up the baked good.

“You baked?” I raised a skeptical eyebrow.

Tyler pretended to be offended. “Why is that so surprising? Are you implying that I can’t do something as simple as bake an apple pie from scratch?”

“You’re forgetting that I know you.”

“Fair enough.” He set the pie on the counter. “Glenn’s wife may have helped.”

“By helped
, do you mean that she baked it for you?”

Tyler grinned and nodded.

“How do you manage to charm everyone?” I shook my head, disbelieving. “I can’t even get T.J. to clean his room and you got my neighbor, whom you just met, to bake you a pie.”

“It’s my sparkling personality,” he said.

“No, it’s that ridiculous smile of yours.” I handed him a platter of steaks. “Make yourself useful and get busy on the grill.”

T.J. jumped up and down. “I’ll help! Let’s go.”

I watched him grab Tyler’s hand- something I had pictured a million times in my head- and it took my breath away.

“Slow down, speedster.” Tyler let himself be dragged out the back door.

While I finished chopping the vegetables, I listened to them joke and laugh. It felt so natural, the house felt so complete, that I was surprised to hear the front door open.

“Emma?”

“In the kitchen.” I dropped the knife with a clatter. How had I forgotten that Connor was coming?

He smiled broadly when he entered the room and I felt even worse. “Hey, pretty lady.”

“Connor.” I tried to return his smile. “I’m glad you could make it for dinner.”

“Of course. I’ve never turned down a dinner invitation from a beautiful woman.” Connor crossed the room in three long strides. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too,” I said, trying to sound like I meant it. The truth was, I’d been so distracted by Tyler, I hadn’t had much of a chance to miss Connor. “You look good.”

He did. He looked very good, in fact. His blond hair was freshly cut and his blue button down fit him perfectly.

“You look amazing.” He reached for me, long arms circling my waist. “Where’s T.J.?”

“Outside.”

Connor leaned in for a kiss and I began to remember how attracted I was to him. My body responded reflexively, though my heart wasn’t sold.

“Does he have a friend out there?” Connor asked, pulling back at the sound of loud laughter.

“Hm?” For just a second, I had forgotten about Tyler. I had managed to forget that my current boyfriend was about to meet my ex-boyfriend, and the father of my child.

“Hey,
Em, I need a clean plate for the steaks.” Tyler appeared in the doorway, catching us in our embrace. “Oh.”

Connor’s face tensed considerably and he looked at me in confusion.

“Well. This is going to be fun,” I said, mostly to myself. “Connor, Tyler is joining us for dinner. Tyler, this is Connor.”

The two men stared at each other, neither one pretending that they were happy with the situation. T.J. ran in behind Tyler, blissfully ignorant.

“Tyler burnt one of the steaks!” He laughed gleefully. “My steak turned out perfect.”

“Here.” I handed Tyler a clean plate and he took it from me without making eye contact. He was still carefully appraising Connor.

I turned back to the chopping board and added the vegetables to the large pan. “I still need a few minutes. Can the two of you keep an eye on the steaks until we’re done in here?”

“Sure.” Tyler understood the implied hint. I needed some time alone with Connor. “Come on, T.J. Let’s give your mom some space.”

Connor waited until the door closed behind them and said, “Thanks for the heads up.”

“I’m sorry.” I faced him grimly. “We ran into him at the store and T.J. invited him. I couldn’t exactly tell him not to come.”

“Yes, you could have. You don’t owe him anything, Emma. He’s just an old flame that fizzled out a long time ago.” Connor looked at me for confirmation. “Or has something changed?”

“No.” I repeated myself. “No, nothing has changed.”

“Then why is he here?”

Connor and I had been dating for six months. We had met at a charity event in Morgan and I had fallen for him right away. He was polite, kind, smart, and treated me better than anyone had in a long time. So while it had only been six months, I felt like I owed it to him to tell him the truth.

“Tyler is T.J.’s father,” I said, quickly adding, “But T.J. doesn’t know.”

“His father?” To say that Connor was surprised was putting it very mildly. “Does Tyler know?”

I nodded.

Connor placed his hands on the counter, rocking slightly. “What does this mean for us, Emma?”

“Nothing.” The word just came out, before I’d had a chance to really think about his question. “I don’t know. Tyler is going to be a part of my life now. Part of T.J.’s life.”

“Do you still have feelings for him?”

He looked at me with hurt in his eyes, like he already suspected the truth. I didn’t want to hurt him, but he needed to know the truth.

“I don’t know.” That was the absolute truth.

“You don’t know?” He threw up his hands, exasperated. “What am I supposed to do with that?”

“You deserve a better answer than that. I know. But I can’t give you one right now.” I twisted a dish towel in my hands. “I don’t want to feel like this, confused about Tyler. I want to put him in my past and move on, but it’s not that simple.”

“Because of T.J.?” he looked at me, hurt in his eyes. “Or because you’re still in love with Tyler?”

I didn’t answer him, but I didn’t have to. He could see the truth in my eyes.

“I’m going to go.” The words caught in his throat. “I don’t belong here.”

Tyler and T.J were laughing again outside, salt in Connor’s open wound. He grimaced and turned, walking away swiftly.

I remained frozen as I watched him go. It hurt to breathe.

“Connor, wait!”

He stopped just as he was opening the front door. I ran to him and grabbed his arm.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” I stopped, and started again. “You’re such a good guy, and you’ve been so amazing-”

“Emma, I know. Look, I still care about you and I want more than anything for us to be together. But I need you to want that, too.” He pressed to fingers under my chin, lifting my head so that he could kiss me softly on the lips. “Take some time, figure out what you want. And I really hope that what you want is me.”

I stayed in the doorway until his car turned the corner at the end of the road. He was out of sight, but not out of mind. Connor was one of the best men I had ever met, but I wasn’t convinced that he was the right man for me.

Neither T.J. nor Tyler asked why Connor hadn’t stayed. They were too lost in their newfound camaraderie to care about my love life.

I let them provide the entertainment over dinner. T.J. did most of the talking; Tyler kept stealing glances in my direction.

“I’m getting really good at the guitar,” T.J. announced over dessert.

“Oh, yeah?” Tyler’s face lit up.

I hadn’t had much of an appetite all through dinner, but the pie could not be denied. Glenn’s wife really knew how to bake a pie.

“Will you show me some chords later?”

“Maybe.” Tyler glanced at me yet again. “I think your mom and I need to talk first.”

“About what?”

Tyler smiled faintly. “Grown up stuff.”

“Like sex?”

“T.J.! Seriously, what are you watching on television?” I didn’t know what bothered me more, his knowledge of adult activities or the fact that he was pretty close to being right.

“It’s on the news, Mom,” T.J. explained diplomatically. “That Senator just got in trouble for it.”

He was right. We couldn’t even watch the news now. “No more television. Read more books.”

“I already finish three books in a week.” He smiled proudly. “Maybe if Tyler teaches me guitar lessons I won’t have as much time to watch television.”

The boy had a point. “We’ll see. Go practice on your own and we’ll be there in a bit.”

T.J. sulked on his way to the living room. He didn’t like being left out, and he liked giving up his new friend even less.