A red tainted Silence (84 page)

Where’s Nicholas?

“Need something to drink? Hold on, now just a little ... easy ...” Cool liquid. Yes, feels so good ...

498

Carolyn Gray

Nicholas?

* * * * *

When I’d opened my eyes, I’d discovered myself on the floor, Margaret cradling my head in her lap, holding something to my head where I’d fallen against a chair. I’d cut my forehead, necessitating stitches. I’d looked up into her eyes and known the truth. Known because I could see the joy lighting them, though her face remained pale.

How could it not be? Adam was her son, too, and she had the right to grieve for him.

But she also had the right to be glad her youngest son had survived.

She’d stroked my face, bent over me, and said, “Brandon’s going to be okay, Nicholas. It wasn’t him. He’ll be okay now. It’s going to be okay, son.”

“He really asked for me?” I said again now, happiness surging through me as I followed the nurse into the post-op room. It bustled with activity, all the bed stations filled. Which one was he? Where was he? And then I saw Mutt, hovering protectively in the corner by one bed, though for all intents and purposes the threat was gone. Still, they let him remain.

As if they could make him leave Brandon’s side now.

“He did. But he’s asleep again, which is what we want. So don’t worry if he doesn’t seem to know you’re here, all right?”

“I understand,” I said. Then with a brief smile to Mutt, who clasped my shoulder with his hand and nodded to Jeff, I moved to the side of Brandon’s bed and looked down at him.

For a long moment I just stared at him in disbelief. He’s going to be okay. But he’d been hurt again, badly. And that was just the physical -- what about inside his head? Had he realized it was Adam trying to kill him?

I touched him on the face, a soft moan of dismay escaping me. Brandon ...

“He lost a lot of blood, so he’s very pale. He’ll look better by morning. I promise.” I nodded. I knew that, of course, having seen him through surgery before, so recently. I took in all the IVs, the breathing lines, heart monitor, the little temperature thing taped to his finger, its red glow making me think of E.T. and my own attempts when I was a kid to make my finger glow. And I shook my head at the unfairness of it all. That he should have to go through this yet again.

I sighed, stroked his face, along his jaw line, across his bare chest above the bandages.

They’d shaved his chest. He’d be prickly. The thought made me smile. He didn’t exactly have that much hair to begin with. Not like me. So it wouldn’t be so bad.

A Red-Tainted Silence

499

I bent over and touched his cool lips with my own, sad at the lack of response, but thankful for the feel of his breath on my skin, the gentle rise and fall of his chest. I took his hand in mine -- not the E.T. hand but the other -- and brought his fingers to my lips. I closed my eyes as I kissed each one, knew I was being watched by the nurse, didn’t care. I held his hand against my face, silently begging him to wake up enough to cradle my face the way he liked to do in our most intimate moments. But he didn’t.

I laid his hand down again, brushing the tears from my eyes.

He was naked in the bed, covered from the waist down with a sheet and blanket, neat, stark white bandages covering the wounds on his chest. Adam had gotten him four times before Justin had managed to stop him.

Four times in the chest, and not one had struck his heart.

“Bastard didn’t know what a heart is,” Lee had muttered to me when we learned these latest details.

I’d agreed.

“Can I stay with him?” I asked the nurse, but she shook her head.

“Just a couple more minutes. We’ll be moving him down to NCICU in a minute. If all goes well, he can go to a room in the morning.” She touched me on the shoulder, her expression compassionate. “He’ll be all right, Mr. Kilmain. He’s a fighter. He has a huge will to live, and believe me, having you to come back to will help him. Believe it. When you see him in the morning, a lot of these IVs will be gone, and he’ll look much better and be more awake.”

I smiled at her. “Thanks. I hope you’re right.”

She looked at me sternly. “I know I’m right. It’s time for you to go now. And --”

“I know, go home and get some rest myself.” I sighed, then bent down and kissed Brandon once more on the lips, lingering this time, then pressing my face against his so I could whisper into his ear, “I love you, Brandon Ashwood. See you in the morning.” The nurse gently tugged me away from Brandon. I didn’t want to go, but knew she was right. Brandon would be okay.

He had to be.

We were walking out of the hospital when I got another phone call. This time it was Amanda.

Jenn had gone into labor, and they were on their way in.

* * * * *

“See if you say that after I have Bubba.”

500

Carolyn Gray

I laughed and held her hand. Rex stood next to me, puzzling over his video camera. He looked a little pale, but the excitement in the room was contagious, lifting all our spirits.

“Want an ice chip?” Amanda asked.

Jenn nodded, then waved her away. “Oh, shit --”

“Here we go again,” Amanda said. “Rex!”

“Coming!”

He set the video camera down, and I traded places with him. I’d started to move away, when Jenn grabbed my hand. “Shit!” she said as another powerful contraction ripped through her.

Fuck! I thought as she about broke my fingers. But I loved it. She amazed me. Life amazed me, that after such a terrible day, something truly beautiful was about to take place and I was to be a part of it.

“Easy, babe, it’s almost over. It’s almost over ...” I watched, mesmerized, awed, overwhelmed as Rex helped his wife through the contraction. They’d been at this for three hours now, and as promised, Jenn had insisted I be a part of the birth of her firstborn child. I would tease Brandon later about his excuse for not being there, which he laughed about, but right then I felt so honored, so blessed, to be there for us both.

It was nearly midnight when Jenn’s doctor checked her for once more and pronounced it time to push one last time. I tried to escape, again, figuring surely Jenn wouldn’t want me there for that, but once again she said, “No! Stay!” She was exhausted, her hair a mess, her skin glowing with sweat -- and she was beautiful. And very insistent.

So I stayed, and witnessed the emergence of Brandy Kilmain McCauley into the world, her lungs proving they were strong and healthy as her cries of protest filled the room.

It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever heard, and I rejoiced that she came two minutes after midnight. The day after ... after I nearly lost Brandon.

I got to watch it all, from her birth to the nurse cleaning her up. I went with her and Rex when she got weighed and measured, and Rex made me cry (I cried more than Brandy) when he gave me the honor of putting on her first diaper. And hat.

“Why?” I said to him.

He grinned. “Well, it’s not like I know how.”

“Yet,” I said with a wry chuckle. It really wasn’t that hard.

Then I hugged Rex, shocking him a bit. “Thank you for letting me be a part of this. It means so much to me.”

He hugged me back -- a little unusual for the normally solemn man, but he did pretty good. Since his wife had dragged him to Colorado, refusing not to be there for her beloved cousin when he needed her most, even if she was almost eight months pregnant at the time, A Red-Tainted Silence

501

he’d thawed quite a bit. Good thing, especially because I planned to be around him, his wife, and my godchild a lot and I liked to hug. A lot.

“Thank you. I wish Brandon could’ve been a part of this, too.”

“He was,” I said simply. “He’s always with me.”

I’d left Rex with his wife and baby to enjoy becoming a family. An overwhelming sense of peace filled me as I let Jeff lead me away -- peace and, I had to admit, exhaustion. It was two in the morning by then, and I could barely keep my eyes open. But when we got back to the house at last, I found sleep hard to come by. My mind wouldn’t shut up, which it does sometimes, like when I’m trying to compose new lyrics. The words just wouldn’t leave my brain, saturating it, so that even though I was exhausted, I couldn’t fall asleep.

I lay in my bed, alone, for a long while, staring out the window. The moon had found her way through the last of the clouds. Sometime during the long day and evening, the snow had stopped, and the sun had had a few moments of glory before leaving the sky. I thought about what I’d told Rex. That Brandon was always with me. It was true.

And I was always with him.

Always had been, since the moment we first met. I thought back to that day again, that amazing day I’d walked into that mean little room off that bar, my gaze searching the roomful of hopeful singers, and remembered the instant I first set eyes on Brandon.

He’d been so beautiful, lean and tall, standing there looking at something. Some music, I think. He had on faded jeans and a somewhat holey t-shirt. He’d looked fantastic. Brandon looks good in anything, which I always envied -- an envy he always laughed at as being silly.

He stood with his head bent, his golden hair falling into his eyes, his head bobbing up and down a little to some inner music. Someone called his name. He’d lifted his head. That was the moment I saw his face for the first time. Beautiful.

I remember watching him answer the other guy’s question, saw a flash of his room-brightening smile. I remember, though, after his smile faded, how I’d thought, That boy’s so sad. I wonder why? I hope he’s okay.

Little did I know he was far from okay. Little did I know it would take me more than twelve years to truly understand the depths of his sadness.

At that moment, as I stared at him, I fell in love with that beautiful boy on sight, not knowing whether he was straight or what, and figuring oh, man, Kilmain, you’re doing it, falling in love with a straight boy, headed for instant heartache.

Then he’d turned to face me, whatever he was saying forgotten as he stared at me, his eyes widening, a look of shocked recognition on his face as his gaze locked with mine. Only for a moment, but it was enough.

In that moment, I knew I’d found the love of my life, and he knew it, too. When he’d collapsed on the ground seconds after, I’d been a bit shocked, needless to say.

502

Carolyn Gray

Now, all these years later, the memory made me warm and happy, and I tucked it away with all the others we had, both the good and the bad. I closed my eyes, snuggling into the blankets, knowing that in just another day or two, I wouldn’t be alone in my bed anymore.

Brandon would come home.

For the first time in a long while, I dreamed not of the past, the horrors Brandon and I had experienced, but of the future. Our future -- mine and Brandon’s. And though I knew it was uncertain, I knew it would be wonderful, because he was mine and I would never let him go again.

I think I fell asleep smiling.

A Red-Tainted Silence

503

“You know, you’re really getting into that,” Nicholas said as he looked over at me.

I smiled up at him and nodded as I tilted the bottle up a little more. Brandy sucked greedily, making the cutest sounds I’d ever heard. No one had ever told me that the simplest act -- feeding a baby, this baby -- could be so ... healing.

But it was. And I was, too. Healing.

Nicholas propped his chin in his hand as he frowned at the papers Marisa had handed him that morning before she left. He sat on the chair opposite the couch on which I lay, Brandy tucked into my arms, a blanket covering us both. She started to fuss a little, so with an ease that amazed even me -- and made Nicholas grin -- I took the bottle away from her and set it down, then put her over my shoulder and began to pat her back. Pretty soon I was rewarded with a nice burp in my ear.

“Takes after you,” Nicholas quipped.

“Bastard.”

“Don’t cuss in front of the baby,” he admonished, grinning. He waved the papers in the air. “This schedule is going to kill me!” he exclaimed. “Marisa’s a beast!”

“You love it and you know it,” I said, smiling at my lover. “You’ll do great.” He sat back in the chair, his hand automatically going to his scar. “Yeah, I know. You sure you’ll be okay without me?”

“Absolutely,” I said, knowing it was the truth. “But I’ll miss you.”

“Like the dickens?”

I chuckled. “Yes. Like the dickens.”

Brandy went limp against me, and I realized the little bugger had fallen asleep. At five weeks old, she’d put on several pounds already. I really loved the feel of her lying on me and 504

Carolyn Gray

snatched her from her mom every chance I got. I loved holding her against my chest even though I wasn’t allowed to do more than that. I was still pretty weak. Shock, blood loss, surgery twice within a week -- it’d all taken its toll on me. My wounds were pretty well healed on the surface, but I had much healing to go yet. Which meant I couldn’t join Nicholas as I wanted to.

No, I’d be stuck here in Colorado a while longer, while he would board a plane in the morning to head for London, along with Lee and Marisa, to start work on promoting the new album. It’d been delayed long enough, and I’d insisted he get started, though I knew Nicholas worried about us being apart.

“Hey, she asleep again?” Jenn said as she walked into the room. She bent down and kissed me on the forehead, then kissed her daughter. “I don’t know how you do it, Brandon.

No one can put her to sleep like you.”

“Probably because he’s so boring,” Nicholas said.

I stuck my tongue out at him, making him and Jenn laugh. “Nick’s rubbing off on you, Brandon,” she said.

“I’d like to rub something of mine on him,” Nicholas said beneath his breath.