A red tainted Silence (52 page)

I was glad he fell asleep. He never noticed my tears.

304

Carolyn Gray

I woke early the next morning, my stomach bothering me a little. Since the deer incident, as Nicholas called it, it’d been a bit sore, though the meds our doctor had prescribed helped. Then I remembered I hadn’t taken them the night before. Maybe that was why I was so sore.

I looked out the open windows and to the snow-covered mountains in the distance. At least the sun was out. Though the air in the room was kind of on the cold side, it looked like it would be a beautiful day. I turned on my side and smiled in pleasure. Nicholas lay next to me, still sound asleep. He faced away, hugging a pillow -- I knew he still hurt a bit, though he never said so, and hugging the pillow helped. He’d pushed the covers down, so I pulled them back up to his chin. Last thing he needed was to catch a chill.

His mouth was slightly open, his full lips pouting. I grinned, then reached out to touch his bottom lip, smiling as he brought one hand up in his sleep and batted me away. His eyelids flickered and then opened. As always, those devastatingly blue eyes of his floored me.

How eyes could be so purely blue, I couldn’t fathom. It was a privilege to look into them, a privilege to have their owner in my bed.

My groin stirred. He smiled softly at me. “You okay now?” he whispered.

I frowned at him, puzzled. Of course I was fine. “Go back to sleep. It’s early yet.” He closed his eyes again, and back to sleep he drifted. Sleep on, lazy boy. You deserve it. I pushed myself up on my elbow and, placing my hand on his hip, leaned over him, breathing deeply of his scent. He smelled faintly of sex and sweat and the shampoo he’d bought during his trip to store. I kissed him on his rough cheek. He smiled.

Still half asleep, he pulled me possessively to him and, with a low growl, murmured in my ear, “Your turn.”

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Grinning, I grabbed the lube off the bedside table where he’d left it and slicked myself up. He sighed and rolled onto his back, eyes still closed, stretched his arms over his head, and opened himself to me. I slid between his legs, pulling the covers up over us. He lifted his legs up, and I guided myself into him. He took me with an ease I envied. He barely groaned at my sudden intrusion, the brat.

Burying my face in his neck, I slowly pumped into him, chuckling as he came moments later without my even touching his dick. Had to have been dreaming about me, the horny bastard. His arms came around my back and grabbed my butt as my own orgasm seized me.

Such bliss, such utter bliss, taking him raw like this, filling him like this with such simple gentleness, and just because I could.

Sated once more, he drifted back to sleep; whereas now I was wide awake.

After a little while, I peeled myself out of and off him. He didn’t move. I got out of bed, feeling faintly odd walking naked in front of the huge picture window. Not like anyone could see us, though I guessed if someone tried really hard to climb one of the nearer ridges and had a good telescope, they might see me walking around my bedroom naked and see Nicholas in my bed. I really didn’t worry about it.

I felt safe here.

It was an odd thing, I thought as I took my shower, how at home I felt in this house. It was blasted cold in the mountains; I’d vowed I hated snow. But I couldn’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be. Not New York, certainly not California. Though much bad stuff had happened in Colorado, I liked it anyway. The people were genuine and caring and had made us feel incredibly welcome. The mountains were beautiful. And as I dressed and put on my coat and finally forewent my crutch as I ventured outside onto the back porch, I felt at peace.

In the back of my mind was the knowledge that I was doing a snow job on myself, but I ignored it. Yes, someone was still after us. Very much so. But right here, right now, with Nicholas safe and sated in our bed, my brother and Mutt and Jeff here to watch over us, Jenn to keep an eye on us -- not to mention Katie -- and Tommy and Sylvie soon to join us, I realized I really didn’t want to leave.

I was glad Nicholas and I had bought this house. Very glad. I’d skied some in the past; maybe once my leg was completely healed, I’d buy some skis. Maybe even convince Nicholas to give it one more try, though that thought made me laugh.

“Hey, bud, how you doing?”

I looked up as Jonathan joined me outside. “It’s cold out. You need a jacket,” I said.

“I’m fine. Want some coffee?” He set a mug down on the table next to me. Barkley walked out on the porch, wagging his tail. I automatically reached down and petted him. He licked my hand.

“Thanks.”

306

Carolyn Gray

Jonathan took the other chair and sighed. “I could get used to this. Never seen such a pretty view. Sleep good last night?”

“Yes, very good. Nick’s pretty tired, though.”

“Guess you boys found the lube.”

My face heated. I grabbed my mug, nearly sloshing coffee out on my hand. “Uh, yeah, we did, thanks.”

“No more condoms, eh?”

“Jonathan,” I said. “Do you mind?”

“Guess that means you guys are really committed to each other. Right?” I sighed in exasperation. “Yes, Jon, I love Nicholas. He loves me. We fuck only each other; we don’t want to fuck anyone else. All right?” He grinned sweetly at me. “In that case, you really shouldn’t wear the boy out so soon.

He’s still recovering, you know. Surprised the doc didn’t put a moratorium on sex until Nicholas could at least walk across the room without having to rest. Of course, he does just lie there and take it, right?”

Flash of Nicholas on his back, half-asleep, beneath me. “Would you shut up? Good grief. We’re not teenagers for you to pester anymore.”

“Oh, I imagine you’re far more creative than that now, in your old age.” Another flash, this time of our hospital-bed adventure. “You have no idea,” I said beneath my breath.

He snickered, then burst into a full-blown laugh. “I’ve missed this, you know. Oh, how I’ve missed giving you hell. Got lots of time to make up for, baby bro.” I snarled at him and he laughed.

“That’s my Brandy.” He reached over and patted me on the cheek. “I’m happy for you.” He sobered, then let his hand drop to my shoulder and squeezed. “This is the way it should be. I’ve always said it, you know. That you and Nicholas were good together. That it seemed right somehow. Damned if I know why, you both being guys and all. But this is the way it should be.”

I stared into my mug, at the swirl of cream as it slowly blended with the coffee. “Yeah, it is. I just wish we did have more time. Before Monday, I mean. I’m worried he’ll push himself too quickly. Marisa’s already planning on sending him out on the road as soon as possible.”

He sat back in his chair. “He’ll be fine. He’s far over the worst and can handle whatever comes. I’m not so sure about you, though.”

I stiffened. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You reacted pretty strongly to that dead deer. Any idea why?” I set my mug down and started to stand, but his hand shot out and stopped me.

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307

“Talk to me, Brandon. Please. Nick’s worried about you. I’m worried about you.”

“I know. I heard you guys talking about me last night.” I didn’t bother to keep the irritation from my voice.

He dropped his hand. “Then you know our concerns.” I hesitated, then sat down again. I ran a hand over my beard -- I hadn’t bothered to shave the last few days -- and clenched my teeth against the terror drumming into me. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him, waiting. I closed my eyes, unable to stop the burning tears. I turned away, but Jonathan startled me by getting up from his chair and crouching in front of me, cradling my face, forcing me to look at him.

“What’s wrong? You’ve got to tell me. Please.”

I shook my head. “I -- I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Brandon. This is me. You can’t pull the wool over my eyes.”

“Please don’t ...” I blinked furiously, embarrassed. “I’m fine.” He sighed. “No, you really aren’t. I think you’re still in shock over what happened. You went through an awful lot. Most men wouldn’t have handled what you did with nearly as much grace.”

Words clogged in my throat, and I dropped my face into my hands. Jon’s arms came around me, pulling me close. “Oh, wow, hey. Easy, big guy,” he said. “It’s going to be okay.

We’ll get you through this.”

I let him hold me. His arms felt so good, so wonderful. I’d missed him so damn much.

But I couldn’t give him answers I didn’t know myself. Finally I pulled back and looked up at the sky, my tears hot on my face.

“I feel so --” I couldn’t continue. Couldn’t finish what I was going to say. I feel so broken inside. I don’t know what to do about it. I should be happy. I have Nicholas. He didn’t die. He’s going to be okay, but I’m scared I’m not. I looked at my brother. He’d dropped his hands to my knees to balance himself. The cold had flushed his face, and he shivered as a small gust of icy wind blew across us. “You’re cold. You should go inside,” I said.

“Don’t change the subject. If you can’t tell me, I want you to talk to someone, Brandon.

A professional.”

I snorted. “A shrink? No, thanks.”

“What about Jenn?”

“She doesn’t need me unloading on her. Not with her baby due anytime now.” He stared at me. “That’s a cop-out and you know it. You’ve always been able to turn to her, and she’s no fragile flower.”

308

Carolyn Gray

I dropped my gaze to my hands, but he wasn’t done with me. “Nicholas thinks you should talk to someone, too. Frankly, I think you both should, after what you went through.

You guys aren’t supermen, you know, despite what Marisa thinks.” Oh, no. I wasn’t about to let someone else in my head. But I knew Jonathan wouldn’t leave it alone until I at least agreed to think about it. So I said, “I’ll think about it.” He smacked me on my knee and stood, then held out his hand. “Good enough, for now.

Come on inside. It’s too cold out here for you, too. Besides, I’m making waffles. You love my waffles, don’t you?”

I let him guide me back inside and help me off with my coat. “You know I do. I’m going to check on Nicholas, see if he wants any.” I made my escape, but felt Jon’s eyes boring into my back.

Talk to a shrink. No way. I’d talk to Jenn, but I didn’t know what to say. I’d tried to tell everyone it was all my fault, but they kept insisting it wasn’t, so I didn’t know what else to say. Better to just keep quiet about everything.

When I went back into our bedroom, Nicholas was still sound asleep, but had once again kicked the covers off. Maniac. Katie had been right on the adrenaline thing, I supposed.

He’d used every bit of it up the last few days. I pulled the comforter to his chin and kissed him. He still didn’t move.

Crash and burn, baby, I thought. I could think of no better place for him to do that than in our bed. I grinned and kissed his latest erection through the covers, chuckling softly as he squirmed, though he didn’t wake. Definitely out of it. The Nicholas I’d had before would’ve jumped out of bed and tackled me to the floor and taken me on the spot.

But I preferred this Nicholas, the older, wiser, more cautious, and more worldly Nicholas. Though he sure still had his silly moments, I loved the man he’d become. I hoped he felt the same about me, what I was trying to be for him. I just worried I wasn’t as good at all this as he was.

I felt terribly inept.

I left him to his sweet dreams, scooping up my computer where it sat by the door.

There wasn’t anything to do today, just hang out at the house and wait around for the next day and the release of Nick’s single, so I thought I might as well write some. We’d been so busy the last few days that I hadn’t had time to write anything else down, and now my fingers had the familiar itch, the need to get the words out.

I’d had Nicholas order me a nice table and comfortable chair to work at. They sat in the corner between the fireplace and the windows, where I could be warm but still look outside.

I plugged in my laptop and opened it, a smile coming to me as I thought about those early days, the happy days, the before-hell days. From that next morning after our first-time fiasco and the sweet make-up on the porch, things had moved quickly. Good times, beautiful times, as we explored each other and our gifts for music.

A Red-Tainted Silence

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Later, during the darkest times, when we were apart, I yearned so badly for the simplicity of those months we spent in Jonathan’s house, followed by our time in Los Angeles. Even though half the time we were starving and barely had two dollars between us, we’d been happy in our little one-bedroom flat, tumbling in our bed two and three times a day, taking our music to new heights, watching in disbelief as, one by one, our dreams came true.

I’d purposely forgotten the tough parts, the bitter fights with my father, the near-violent fights with Adam, our split with him on the heels of Nick’s final refusal to sing that blasted song.

That, of course, was the best thing that ever happened to us, though at the time, it’d been bad. Really bad.

* * * * *

“What the fuck you mean, you won’t sing this song?”

“I’ve told you before, I won’t sing it.”

That’s what I walked into, after a run to the store for some more herbal tea for Nicholas. Ever since we’d started playing in smoke-filled venues, he’d fought a constant sore throat. The weekends we played two nights in a row were the worst -- and this was one of those weekends. In fact, it’d been occurring more and more as word traveled around Murrieta about Nicholas, about his remarkable voice, about our band.

It’d been rough at first. Adam had been convinced Nicholas would totally screw up, that first rehearsal. But Nicholas and I had worked all that Sunday and Monday on the songs Adam had thrust at him, so that by Tuesday’s rehearsal, our first, he totally blew even Adam’s socks off.

In a way, that pissed my brother off, I think.

It’d been close, though, so damn close. Nick’s such the showman, automatically playing up to me as he sang, and partway into that first rehearsal Adam had stomped off in a fit.