A Rebel In The Roses (Black Rebel Riders' MC Book 8) (4 page)

I wait to see if Sunshine needs help with dinner, but she waves me off.

I can’t wait to play with Mute. Find out what makes him tick.

Will he be down to get me off?

4

JT

There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for the woman I love—Dawn. Although some days I’m afraid that I love her too much and that it’s going to destroy both of us.  I can’t seem to tell her no. When we first got together it was her way of sticking it to her old man, and I was finding my way. I still am. We haven’t even been dating that long, and yet it feels like I’ve been with her for years. Her shit is getting old. I get that she’s wild and rebellious.
Fuck
, I am too.
Shit
though, there is a difference in fun and just plain fucking dumb.

Rebel and Grim sat me down a few weeks ago and told me if I wanted to be a part of this club, I gotta earn my way, and damn do I want to be a part of this family. Not just by blood, but because I’m fucking worthy of a cut.

However, Dawn is holding me back already.

When do you look at the shell of the girl you love and say when morning comes I’m through?  When do you say enough is enough? The words have been hanging on my tongue for weeks. But I keep carrying on lying to myself and to her.

I keep thinking tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow she’ll be okay, and I will no longer play second best to her addiction, the disease that is killing her and me.

They say when you hit rock bottom there is nowhere to go but up. I keep waiting for Dawn to find her low point.  I’m afraid she doesn’t have one.

After dropping Dawn off, I drive over to see Christa and see how she’s holding up. Tomorrow is Kurt’s sentencing and she asked me over for dinner, as long as I don’t bring Dawn.

She sees straight through my girl and her lies.

Daytona, Florida

Grim

“Don’t be angry with him. He was doing what he thought best, and I agree with him, as much as I love getting to see you.”

My daughter has one hell of a temper still. That much hasn’t changed.  She’s ready to spit nails. Her husband took the kids to his room to get them settled.  I’d love to spend time with them but it isn’t wise.

Tread and Romeo are coaching Lulu for tomorrow and making contact with John.

“He should’ve told me. He promised, no more
secrets
or
lies
.”

“Maybe so, but he’s a man, and it’s in his nature to take care of ye and the kids the best he can. Even if it means pissing you off from time to time. I brought you something.” I take Gypsy Red’s diary from my cut and hand it over. It belongs with her.

That gets me a few points. Her eyes soften and her lips unscrew from their scowl. 

“Thanks old man. Sorry I freaked out, but I was so damn worried.” She takes the book and hugs my waist, snuggling into my chest. I rub my hand through her hair, missing the bright shade of red that matched her mother’s wild hair. She still has those haunting eyes. I still see the ghost of Gypsy Red when I look at my daughter.

I have to bite back the wet shit as it threatens to leak from my eyes.
Fucking feelings
. Getting old is making me soft.

“Are ye truly happy?” I ask, a part of me hoping she says no. Then I can just pack her and the kids up and bring them home with me.  However, as much as I would love to do just that, I know I can’t. I won’t take her back to the hell she left. The hell I saved her from.

“I am, we’re in such a good place.  Nash, he’s a good man, we both needed to grow up. He loves me, there’s no denying that much. We aren’t perfect but we both know no one is.”

“Perfect’s overrated.” Foxie and me are far from perfect, but that woman understands me, understands the way I live my life. She’s good to me. I was so blind for so long, but I see her clearly now. I see her for the strong good woman she is without Slim and Red standing in the way. Sunshine too, as much as I cared for her, we weren’t right together.

I hug my daughter tighter, not ready to say goodbye just yet.

Being here with her feels like a dream, one that I never want to end.

I’m sure tomorrow I will wake, and it will be just that, and she will be gone from my life again, leaving a void where her and Rumor used to be.

I’ll never forget the night I finally found Sarah, the night I rescued her and fulfilled my promise to her mother.

Getting revenge never felt so good. When I killed Benji and Squirrel I’d never felt such satisfaction. 

I should have killed Betty that night. I should have trusted my instincts. That bitch, thinking of her makes me wish I could slit her throat wide open and watch her bleed out all over again. Sarah spared her life and how did she repay her, by taking her precious life. I can still hear the boom of the explosion when I lit their corpses on fire. What a beautiful sight that was as we left them like dust in the wind.

Sarah was afraid but she was also relieved. That poor girl had suffered so damn much at the hands of men who should have protected her. Instead they used and abused her.

Cutting off Squirrel's pecker was taking it easy on him. I should have taken my time. I should have chopped his balls off first and made him eat’em.

I should have done a lot of things differently. If I had Sarah would still be alive and just maybe my other daughter would still be in my life, and I’d get to watch my grandkids grow up.

Nash

The kids are settled in the pullout in my room. I got them away from my former brothers and their grandpa quickly so I didn’t have to lie to them about who they are. I’m sitting on the balcony listening to the waves as they crash the shore and listening to my children snore. I feel content having them here, knowing they are safe in the room with me. As much as I didn’t want Karly to bring them, I hated leaving them in Miami where that fucker Lucky is.

Karly says he has stayed away and he motherfuckin’ better.

I won’t think twice about putting him six feet under.

Karly slips inside the room, quiet not to wake our kids.

Joining me on the balcony her lips brush the shell of my ear.

“What are you doing here?”

“Why didn’t you tell me,” she counters.

“I thought it was best you didn’t know.” I shrug as her arms come around me, hugging me close. Her tits press into my back as her hands travel my torso under my shirt. Her nails scrape my abs soft then hard the closer she gets to my happy trail.

“You thought it was better I didn’t know my father was close by, or you didn’t want me around yours?”

I shove her hands away and face her. “Don’t. Don’t pick a fight with me about him. Don’t call him my
Goddamned father
either,” I seethe getting pissed. I can’t believe her. She knows the topic of Romeo is dangerous and off limits. I’m getting worked up and the urge to kill him is rising.

“Fine.” She holds her hands up and shakes her head. “I won’t make you talk about it, but just know his being here has no bearing on me. I could give a shit to the wind what that man does as long as he doesn’t hurt you.”

Her eyes hold me hostage, forcing me to deal with this bullshit even though I don’t want to. It only serves to push me further away from her. Is that what she wants? To set me off and go running to her fucking hero?

“Alright, I didn’t want him near you. I trust you, but not him. He’s still in love with you. I could see it written all over his face like a fucking love letter when I showed him a picture of you and the kids. He makes me sick. I’d love to rip out his Goddamn heart and stomp on it. I hate him. His blood saved my life, and I motherfucking hate him, even though I
owe
being
alive
to
him
. I can’t stomach the thought that he ever touched you. THAT. HE. WAS. INSIDE. YOU. I thought I was over it, but I’m not. His blood runs through me, he’ll always have a connection to
you
, to
my kids
.”  I tear up, not meaning to let all my feelings spill out, but I can’t stop the words.  I can’t pump the brakes and get off this road we are travelling.

Karly reaches for me, but I don’t want her touching me right now. I can envision his mark on her right now and I can’t stomach looking at her.

I can remember her smiling as he caresses her cheek in the hospital, being the man by her side, when I should’ve been.  I ran. I ran into the arms of a whore instead of taking care of my wife. I killed our baby. I fucked us over in every sense of the word. I hurt her so fucking deep. Why did she stay when she could have walked away?

I was ready to let her leave if that was what she really wanted but she didn’t. She came on this adventure with me. She gave me a second chance and promised she’d never walk away.

I don’t deserve her.

No one does, but I have her.

She’s mine
.

She’s
always
been
mine
, even when she was with him.

Even when she thought I was dead and gone, she loved me still.

“Nash, don’t push me away. I. LOVE. YOU. I chose
you
. I’d choose
you
every damn time
. No one else. Not him, not ever. I fucked up. And I’m sorry for that, but I won’t pay for my past mistakes the rest of my life.”

I know she’s right, but I can’t stop the rage that’s bubbling inside me.

I want to make him
suffer
.

I want to watch him
bleed
.

I want him to leave this world knowing he doesn’t mean a motherfuckin’ thing to either of us. Never has. Never will.
Goddamn cocksucker
.

She turns away. For a moment I am afraid she’s going to take the kids and walk away.

She closes the blinds and pulls the door closed, leaving a crack so we can hear the kids.

“Nash…” she starts again moving toward me. “My heart, my soul, my body, all that I am belongs to you.” She pulls her shirt over her head and steps out of her pants. “Always has, always will.”

We stand in silence as she continues to strip her body bare before me.

I can hardly see her I am so blinded by my hate for Romeo.

“All I want right now is for you to love me, worship my body, and show me I’m yours as much as you’re mine.”

God
, do I want to take her right here.

I want to thrust so deep inside her.

I want to fuck her until she can’t walk.

I want to mark every inch of her with my cum.

I want to forget he ever touched her.

She’s my
everything
.

She’s my reason to breathe.

She’s my gravity.

My home.

Home is my dick buried inside her.

Home is filling her with my seed that will never grow.

Karly

I’m standing with all that I have bared to my husband waiting for him to make love to me or tell me to go. The choice is his. Our love has never been easy, but damn if it isn’t a love worth fighting for. I thought we moved past his daddy issues in therapy, but at the same time Romeo wasn’t here to remind him. Seeing him couldn’t have been easy for him. I admit his appearance in our lives has rattled me, but not in the way some might think.

I only worry what his arrival here will do to Nash, what his presence is doing to him. He won’t even look at me. After all this time, I refuse to let Romeo stand between us. I was foolish with my heart before. I’ll never make that mistake again. Choosing to run to Romeo before nearly cost me everything, it cost me a child. I only wanted to numb my pain and needed someone to want me, someone to appreciate what I had to give, my love.

Romeo took advantage and I used him too. I used a lot of people, thinking back on the past. I used Rebel, Trouble, Tread…Lucky—I used them all at one time or another. But I’m not that lost girl anymore. I’m all woman now. I’m
Nash’s
woman. He just needs a reminder sometimes.

“Do you want me to go?” My voice cracks slightly. Asking nearly breaks me. We’ve not been this at odds in sometime.  Even when Lucky showed Nash wasn’t this distant.

He let that go fairly quick and moved on, or so I thought. Maybe he’s still brooding over that incident as well.

His eyes bore into mine. I wait another heartbeat for him to say something. Anything.

“No, I don’t want you to go. I want to parade your naked ass in front of my father and let him watch as I fuck you blind. How
sick
is that? I want him to get the Goddamn point. You belong to me. You’re
my
wife. MINE!” He pounds his fist on his chest. So hard he’s going to bruise. “He’s probably in his room now, thinking of ways to get near you, and try to take you home with him. He’s here to take you back.
He can’t have you, I’ll kill him first
!”

I swallow hard, choosing my next words carefully. He has to know I’d never leave. He’s all I want.
Always
and
forever
. He’s it for me. He’s my one. I love Nash, no one else. No other man will ever compare or take his place. Not even Romeo. Years ago, I thought maybe he could, but I know better now.