A Real Cowboy Rides a Motorcycle (22 page)

"I'm not the only guy like that. So don't sit there in your prison cell and hide from men. Find the one who won't care."

His words made her heart freeze. "What?" Find the one? Hadn't he just said that he was the one? "But you just said—"

"Taylor." His voice softened as he framed her face. "I can't be a father. I can't do it. I don't want that responsibility, and I can't be the world to some innocent child. It's so far from the realm of who I am, and what I'm capable of. If you were to stay with me, it's
you
who would be giving up on your dreams, not me. I want to keep you, more than you could ever,
ever
know, but if you stay with me, there will be no children, and that's a violation of your soul. I won't do that to you." He put his hand over her heart. "You've spent your life trying to convince yourself you don't want kids. You do. You can have them. You can have a dozen of them. If you give yourself to me, you will lose that dream, and it's not right."

"But—"

"Look into your heart, Taylor. Do you want kids? Do you want to be a mom? Do you want a real family, all sitting around the breakfast table, arguing over who gets the last piece of bacon?"

Tears filled her eyes at the image he presented, and she nodded silently, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I do," she whispered. "I really do." As she said the words, she felt the thick walls around her heart start to shatter, tumbling down as she acknowledged what she really wanted, that she'd been trying to hide from for so long. "I want to be a mom, more than anything. I just thought—"

"You thought that if you crushed your own dreams with enough force that you could destroy them."

She nodded, silently, starting to cry hard. It was terrifying to give up the pretense that she didn't care, but at the same time, she felt like a tremendous weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She could breathe again, truly breathe again. "I didn't believe there would be men who didn't care that I—"

"That you're the most incredible woman ever?" He brushed her hair back from her face, his dark eyes searching hers. "Don't ever sell yourself short again, darlin'. You're so incredible that when you meet the right guy, he'll turn heaven and earth to have you for his own, exactly the way you are. He won't want to change anything about you."

"Like you? Do you want to change anything about me?" She hadn't meant to say it, but the words had tumbled out.

His hand stilled in her hair, and he met her gaze. "No, I don't. I wouldn't change a single thing about you, on any level."

More tears fell, but this time, they were different tears. They were the tears of being loved for who she was. Maybe he hadn't said the words, but she knew that was how he felt.

He wasn't finished, however. "I wish I could change myself, though, and be able to be a dad for you. I wish that there was something inside me that wanted to take on that responsibility, but all I see when I look inside are the losers who spawned me. That part of me broke a long time ago, and it's never going to heal."

She saw the honesty in his eyes, and she heard the truth in his voice. Maybe he wanted kids deep in his soul, on a deeper level than he was aware, but he would never,
ever
, let himself go there. He was too scarred from his own life to ever be willing to take on the responsibility of another human being, one who was innocent and dependent. He was too certain that he would eventually fail a child, and nothing was going to change that conviction, because he didn't want to change. His instinct as a protector was what drove him to protect others from the worst enemy...which was himself.

A great sadness spilled through her, as she realized the truth, that no matter how much she loved him, there was a chasm that could not be crossed. He was right. If she went through life and never had children, a part of her heart would shrivel up and die. But wouldn't a part of her heart always stay behind with him? How could she split her heart like that? "Maybe—"

"There's no maybe." He kissed her, softly, a kiss that felt terrifyingly like good-bye. "I can't be the man I wish I could be, the one you deserve. I just can't. But I can honor who you are by letting you go. I'm not the only man you're capable of loving, Taylor. There's a guy out there who will give you everything you want, and not the incomplete half-life I could give you."

She knew then, that it was over.

There wasn't going to be a tomorrow, or even a tonight.

This was the last moment of their story.

Zane bent his head, pressing his forehead against the soft fur of the gray mare that had arrived only two days ago. The animal nudged Zane's chest as he ran his hand along the animal's neck. "You feeling better now?" he asked her. "Erin's pretty impressive. I've never seen anyone operate on horses the way she does. You're in good hands."

The mare had been on three legs when she'd been unloaded from the trailer, and thirty-six hours out of surgery, she was already bearing weight on her gimpy leg.

"You really going to let Taylor go?" Chase appeared in the door of the stall, holding his son in his arms.

Zane stiffened, and turned away from the animal to face his brother. "Yeah." He glanced at his nephew, who had officially been named, Joseph John Stockton. The John was for Mira's dad, and Joseph had been the middle name of the kid's biological dad. Everyone was already calling him J.J., which worked just fine. Not a bad name for the kid. Nothing that would get him bullied.

"Why?" Chase tucked the baby more securely against his chest.

"Because she deserves more."

Chase scowled at him. "That's a bunch of crap, bro. She's in my house with Mira and Erin, crying her eyes out because she's leaving here in two hours."

The ache in Zane's chest intensified even more than it already had been. For two weeks, he'd slept in an empty stall while Taylor had occupied the bunkhouse. For two weeks, he'd watched her over dinner in the main house, becoming friends with Erin and his brothers, beginning to fit into ranch life. For two weeks, he'd burned to walk into that bunkhouse and climb into bed with her. He'd wanted to talk to her, to hold her, and to make love to her again and again.

But he hadn't.

He'd kept his distance, because he knew that if he stayed with her, neither of them would do what was right for her. "She'll be fine."

"No, she won't."

Zane looked sharply at his brother. "You don't know what you're talking about."

Chase leaned against the doorjamb. His cowboy hat was tipped back on his head, his jeans were dusty, and his boots were well-worn. Except for the baby in his arms, he looked every bit the cowboy that Zane did, but Zane knew that his cowboy persona would go back in its box when he left here. "I never would have put myself into the role of a parent, Zane. I don't know anything about being a good dad. None of us do. There was no chance I was going there...until I had to. I had nothing to offer Mira, but we made it work." He grinned, the happiest damned grin Zane had ever seen, as he held up the baby. "You see this little person? He's my son. He's counting on me to be there for him, and to get it right."

Zane's gut turned over. "What if you screw up? What if you become like our dad?"

Chase's eyes narrowed. "I'm not going to become like him. I realized that there's no chance of that happening. Yeah, I don't know anything about being a good dad or husband, but Mira's dad was awesome. She said she'd help me, but she also said that she'd never have married me if she didn't think I could do it on my own."

Zane's eyebrows went up. "You haven't married her yet."

Chase grinned. "Actually, I did. I wanted my baby to be born to my wife, not my fiancée, so we got hitched in the hospital. I'm not allowed to tell because Mira still wants her big, fairytale wedding, but yeah, she's mine, and I won't have it any other way."

Zane studied his brother, surprised by how damn happy he was. He'd wanted to get married so badly he'd done it over a hospital bed, and then was going to do it again with the fancy party? "You're whipped, man."

"Finding the right woman is the best thing that could ever happen to a guy. You found yours. Keep her."

Zane jutted his jaw out. "She wants kids. I'm not going there. There's no commonality."

Chase turned John around so that Zane could see the kid's face. His eyes were closed, and he was sleeping peacefully. A deep protectiveness surged through Zane, a need to protect that kid from anything that might ever try to harm him. "You can do the dad thing, Zane. Try it."

"Try it? And if I fail, then what? Leave a string of fucked up kids behind? No way. That's not something you try. You go all in, or you don't. I'm not taking the chance of being the one to screw it up."

Chase sighed. "You won't screw it up."

"How do you know?" Zane challenged. "The three weeks I've been here are the longest I've been in the same place since I was fifteen. How do you start building a family on that? You have to give a kid a forever, not a few weeks here and there."

His brother tucked the sleeping baby against his chest again. "Let me ask you something."

"What?"

"How has it been? Staying here? Have you lost your mind? Gone insane? Developed hives or a weird rash that no one wants to touch?"

Despite his irritation, Zane couldn't help but laugh. "No rashes. It's been okay." He glanced at the horse snoozing behind him. "It's been good to be around the animals again," he admitted.

"So, there you go." John suddenly awoke with a loud wail, and Chase grinned. "He needs his mama. You going to come out to say good-bye to Taylor, or are you going to make the woman you love walk away alone?"

Zane wanted to hide in that stall. He didn't want to face that moment of watching Taylor walk away from him. He wanted to get on his damned bike and take off in the other direction, riding so hard and fast that he could feel nothing but the wind sliding into his flesh.

But this was Taylor. She deserved more. "I'll come."

Taylor hugged Mira fiercely, unable to stop the tears from streaming down her cheeks, even as she forced a smile to her face. "I'll miss you so much," she admitted. "I hate leaving you."

"I'll miss you, too." Mira pulled back, her own eyes rimmed with tears. After a couple weeks of staying low key after her surgery, she was starting to get mobile, which Taylor knew was her signal that it was time to leave. "I don't understand why you're taking this job. You don't want to do it. I can tell. You're even missing my wedding for it."

"I know, but it's not your real wedding." When Mira's eyes widened, Taylor rolled her eyes. "Of course I know you secretly got married in the hospital. Why else would you be willing to move your wedding out for a couple months until you're fully recovered and all Chase's brothers can come? I know you too well, my friend, so don't even bother denying it."

Mira gave her a sheepish smile. "You're not mad I didn't tell you? I was worried that you'd feel I didn't love you if you knew I'd gotten married without you. I know that it's been hard for you, adjusting to sharing me."

"I'm fine with it." Taylor smiled through her tears. "I've finally learned that life and friendship are so much more complicated than things like that. I know you wanted to be married before John was born, and I get it. It's okay." She took a deep breath. "But, despite the fact that I would love to hang around and see you in your lacy white dress, I need to take this job, at least for a little while."

Mira bit her lip. "You're sure?"

"Yes." She was proud of how certain she sounded. She'd thought so much over the last two weeks about staying in Wyoming and trying to find a teaching job. She'd dreamed about it. She'd fantasized about it. She'd even driven by a few schools just to see how she felt, but she'd felt like she was just trying to use teaching to fill the gap left by Zane. She had to heal herself first, and then see where she wanted to be. Staying around for another few weeks with Zane and the baby was just too hard. In addition, with all the Stockton brothers descending upon the ranch for the upcoming wedding, it just wasn't where she could be right now. "I'm not ready to make a career change. I want to see this job through."

Mira wrinkled her nose. "Okay, but you have to stop by here regularly, okay? Sell your house and buy one here, so at least this becomes your home base."

Taylor smiled through her tears. "Maybe."

Erin walked up and wrapped her arms around both of them. The genuineness of her hug made Taylor feel even more desolate. She'd gotten close with Erin quickly, and she felt the real loss of leaving town just as the friendship had begun to solidify.

"I feel like I just got a new friend," Erin said, "And I have to lose you before we've even had a chance to cause enough trouble together."

Taylor laughed and hugged Erin. "I was so scared of you when I first got here. I thought there was no room for me with you and Mira."

Erin's eyebrows went up. "And now?"

"And now I know you're cool. The second sister I never had."

"Because I'm the first sister," Mira declared, tucking her arm through Taylor's. "You know, Erin, if we delay Taylor for another ten minutes, she might miss her flight. Should we do it?"

"Don't," Taylor laughed as she pulled her arm free from Mira's. "I have to go. I get to fly first class now. I'm really looking forward to those hot towels."

"I can make hot towels," Mira said, frowning. "Seriously."

"Stop." Tears threatened again as Taylor picked up her purse. Her bags were already on the front porch. "You guys stay here. I'll cry if I have to say good-bye again." Her heart felt like it was breaking, but it was a good break. She had found a home here, and she would be back. She'd arrived without roots, and she had some now. "Love you both."

The three women hugged again, a fierce, desperate hug that promised a friendship that would last forever. Tears were streaming down her cheeks again as she stepped back. "Okay, no more of that. I'll call you guys." She then turned and hurried out the door, not looking back.