A Question of Mercy (13 page)

“No, ma'am,” he said. “Just need it for my report.” The teacher gave the girl's name, but Sam waited a day and a night before calling the girls' dorm and asking for Jess Booker. When Jess came to the phone he apologized and introduced himself. Sam Rafferty. Jess remembered him and, in fact, Katy and Doris had teased Jess about the cute fireman who seemed interested in her.

“I just wanted to call and say I was sorry.” He was repeating himself. “I think I must have knocked you down.”

“But you didn't …” Jess began.

“I could make it up to you,” he continued. “I'd like to take you to dinner on Friday night.”

“I don't know,” Jess said. She wanted to go. “Can you call me tomorrow?”

“Sure.”

Jess was not allowed to go out of the dorm without permission, and didn't believe she could get permission to go out with a fireman. The dorm counselor did not check the rooms regularly, but if she did come by, Katy and Doris promised to cover for Jess. They would say that Jess was visiting another girl's room. They were all taking a chance, but could not resist the excitement.

On their first date Sam took Jess to a small restaurant in town with a porch overlooking a stream. The waiter brought a candle to the table, and they could hear music playing on the inside, but mostly they heard the water riffling below. They went to that same place the next night, and on Sunday they walked around the campus. Jess showed him where she had her classes. Sam was nineteen and had completed two years of college, but had wanted a break. He became a fireman because it had been his childhood dream, and because he didn't know what else he wanted to do. On days he was not on duty at the firehouse he read with Jess in the library. Sam did not want to leave her side.

The next week he spent four nights at the fire station, but each night he called the dorm to tell Jess goodnight. All week they thought about each other and planned the next weekend. But the next weekend they did the very same thing, as though something magical had happened and they didn't want to lose it by changing their routine. They continued to walk around the campus on Sunday afternoon until six o'clock, when Sam had to leave. Jess admitted that she wrote notes to him during classes, but didn't want to show him. He confessed that he had written letters to her. He promised to bring his letters next weekend, and to write more. She agreed to bring her notes.

Katy and Doris got nervous and told Jess they didn't know how much longer they could protect her. One night the dorm counselor noticed that
Jess was not in her room and asked where she was. They said she was talking to a friend on a different floor. Jess was back in the room by the time the counselor looked in again.

By the third weekend, Sam suggested they go to a movie, where he put his arm around her and she leaned in close to him, and neither, afterwards, could describe what the movie was about. They exchanged their notes and letters and read them solemnly sitting next to each other on a bench. The air was chilly, and Sam took off his sweater and put it around her shoulders. Jess couldn't believe how he cared for her. He looked like a man swept away by love—his eyes not quite focusing on anything in the world, except her. She knew she liked him. Neither had mentioned the word love, except in the notes and letters.

During the summer Jess had kissed Billy, and even let him touch her breasts a few times, but she had never felt like this. Sam had not kissed her yet, though she knew he wanted to. One night when Jess did not get a call from Sam before the ten o'clock phone curfew, she couldn't sleep. She sat by the window and looked out on the campus. Maybe he would come by the dorm.

“Maybe he was called to a fire somewhere,” Doris said, but the idea of Sam fighting a fire made Jess worry more. She had not thought about him putting out an actual fire, even though that was the way she first met him. She mainly thought of the length of his body, his eyes, and the way his arm felt around her shoulder. She wanted him to kiss her and thought she couldn't stand it if he didn't kiss her soon.

The next night, he explained that he had fallen asleep and when he woke it was too late to call. Then he suggested that Jess come to his apartment. He would make dinner for her, and she could bring books and study there if she wanted to. “But you may not want to. I mean …”

Jess explained that going to someone's apartment was against school policy. But the next day she decided to go anyway. She felt a new part of herself opening.

Katy and Doris tried to talk her out of going. “You could get kicked out of school,” Katy said.

“I won't cover for you on this,” Doris said.

So Jess applied for a weekend pass to go home. Her friends would not risk their own status at school, and the risk would be all on Jess.

Entering Sam's apartment, Jess noticed how it smelled like Clementine's kitchen. Sam had cooked a roast. She saw how neat everything was and asked if he had cleaned up for her. He always kept it this way, he told her.

The table was set with a candle in the middle, and Sam brought out two plates. Jess wore a pink Angora sweater that contrasted with her dark hair and eyes, and Sam's face had the expression of someone who had just been stung. When Jess sat down he leaned to kiss her cheek; then he kissed her mouth. The kiss was long and slow, and neither of them pulled away. They stayed silent for a while until Sam brought food to the table and sat down.

“I thought you would never kiss me,” Jess finally said.

“I didn't want to scare you away.”

They ate speaking about inconsequential things until dinner was over and the dishes had been washed and put away. They both knew what would come next, but they were shy about making love: Jess, because she had never done it before; Sam, because he had.

That night Sam approached Jess with a mixture of boldness and caution. He wanted her to be sure, so he asked if she would regret making love to him. Jess thought, briefly, before saying no.

“I wanted to do this the first time I saw you,” Sam told her. He rubbed his head as though he couldn't believe his life. He was sweating.

The evening moved over them in waves, and all the grief of Jess's life flew from her. They sat on the couch and Sam touched her hair and arms and legs, amazed by everything. He couldn't get over her. They moved to the bed and he undressed her, then himself. He put their clothes together on a chair. They had no light except the candle he had brought from the dining room table. They kissed and held each other for a long time before he lay on top of her.

At first Jess felt stinging and a little pain. He asked if she was all right, and touched her as though he was handling something priceless. Jess felt surprised by the fact that she was no longer a virgin. She thought she should feel guilty about what she was doing, but didn't. She felt lightheaded and couldn't stop smiling.

The next day Jess walked to classes aware of herself in a different way. Sam called her several times during the day, checking to see if she was all right, saying how much he loved her. “I'm fine,” she said. “I love you too.” Each time she hung up the phone she felt a desperate longing to tell her mother about Sam. “Mama,” she whispered inside the phone booth on the third floor of Granger Hall. “I hope you know about Sam and me. I hope you think it's all right.”

Jess did not spend another night at Sam's apartment, but she went there on weekend days. They could not get enough of each other. Over the next few weeks they discovered ways to give each other pleasure, moving into unembarrassed intimacy and abandon.

Jess watched him, his head thrown back, eyes closed, sweat standing on his brow. She heard him whisper to her, blurting out his love. Afterwards he studied her body, barely believing the sturdiness of her legs and hips, the delicate skin of her thigh. Each time he undressed her he stroked her soft belly and marveled at the firmness of her breasts. They still went out to eat, or to a movie, but in the apartment they drew a circle around themselves and felt separate from the world.

One afternoon, as they talked through a sleepy love-haze, Sam admitted to sleeping with three women in his life: two girls and a woman.

“How old?” Jess asked, more curious about the woman than about the two girls.

“About thirty,” Sam said. He said he wanted Jess to know everything.

“My God!”

“Yeah. It was a mistake. She had a little boy. He was almost three, I think.”

“So what happened?”

“I decided not to go back.”

“Because of the little boy?”

“Because of a lot of things.” He sat up, because she was sitting. They could see their shadows on the wall, two figures blending together.

“Another thing you need to know,” Sam said, confessing. “Something I haven't even told my parents yet.”

“About that woman?”

“No,” he laughed, but grew quickly serious. “It's about something else.” He looked so serious that Jess was afraid he might leave her. “I've been drafted,” he said. Sam would turn twenty in a month. “I got my notice a few weeks after I met you.” He kept shaking his head.

Jess felt stomach-punched. She didn't know what to say, and hoped Sam might say he was teasing. She couldn't think of who to blame for this turn of events. “No,” she said. “No. You can't go.”

“I know.” He couldn't look at her.

“Your parents don't know yet?”

“I'll tell them tomorrow. I leave for basic training on the first of October.”

“That's just three more days!” Tears filled her eyes. “So soon? It's too soon!”

“Basic Training lasts eight weeks. I can get a leave after that.”

“Will they send you to Korea?” Jess looked panicked.

“They haven't told me where I'm going.” Sam looked scared too, but he lifted her face and said, “You know, don't you, that when I get back I want to marry you.”

“I know,” she said. “But what if you change your mind?”

“I won't. Training will be over before Christmas, so I can see you then. I'll probably be shipped in January.”

Jess cried, softly at first, then she began to sob. Sam held her. “It'll be all right,” he said. “Probably no worse than fighting fires. I tell the department tomorrow—and my parents. Right now, you're the only one who knows. You and the United States government. I hope, when I come home, that I can finish school.” He smiled, but the smile looked weak and sad. “We'll get married.” The promise sounded true.

Jess missed classes the next few days to spend time with Sam. Her roommates told her teachers that she was sick. And Jess and Sam spent hours talking about Christmas and when Sam could meet Adam. Sam had talked with Adam on the phone several times, telling him that he was a fireman. Adam asked if he could wear a fire-hat, but usually he wanted to speak to Jess again. Adam would not talk to Sam for more than a few minutes.

After three days, Jess was back in class and Sam was gone. She began to write letters to him immediately, and she called home more often to check on Adam. Whenever she talked to Adam, though, he sounded different. Her father admitted that Adam was receiving treatments at the Cadwell Institution. Adam had gotten into more trouble and the doctors were trying to help him. Jess could not pry more information, but Edward promised to explain everything when she came home at Thanksgiving. He said they were counting the days.

“And when should we expect to meet this Sam Rafferty fellow?” he asked.

Adam

Whenever Jess called home, she spoke to Adam first, asking if he had gotten her letters with pictures in them. He told her how he wrapped her letters in wax paper and kept them in a cigar box in his room. She asked if he had any new hubcaps. One night she said that she had met somebody named Sam Rafferty. She told her father about him. She said that he was a fireman
.

Adam knew about firemen at the fire station—how they brought big fat hoses to a burning house, sprayed water to put out fires. Afterwards the house looked dirty and wet, smoke rising in big curls, everything broken and ruined. If no one was hurt, people clapped for the firemen—heroes who wore big hats and coats and boots
.

After the phone call, Adam grew sad and went to his room. His mother tried to cheer him with his favorite foods. She prepared stew, with potatoes and turnips and carrots and gravy. Adam poured gravy on his bread, made it soppy. Papa
B. told him that Jess would be home for Thanksgiving. When's Thanksgiving? he asked
.

Sam Rafferty, the fireman, was going far away to fight in a war. To fight the Communists. Who are the Communists? They could be anybody. Are they the ones who took Jess away?

Jess always told him the truth. She said she would come home at Thanksgiving. She told him not to be afraid of Communists. She told him to believe in God, and he asked her who God was. Jess said nobody could see Him because he lived in the sky and looked like air
.