A Perfect Life: A Novel (19 page)

“Why are we talking about this?” he asked, looking at her. “And by the way, I’ve felt that same current you have. A couple of times, I’ve almost said something, but I was afraid you’d say that I’m crazy. Something’s been happening between us, Blaise. I know it and so do you. We can’t ignore it forever. Maybe my mother isn’t as crazy as she looks. I want to put my arms around you now every time I see you.” He was keeping his voice down so Salima didn’t hear him, and so was she. What they were talking about had been building for weeks. And Simon wanted to get it on the table. Blaise knew it was hopeless between them because of his wanting kids, and that seemed fair to her. He deserved to have them. But not with her.

“So that’s it?” Simon looked at her, upset. “There’s no chance for us because you don’t want kids? How dumb is that?”

“It’s not dumb. You want kids,” she insisted. “I don’t. I have the only one I want.”

“Is that nonnegotiable?” he asked her, as though they were making a deal. But there was no deal to be made with her.

“Yes, it is nonnegotiable. I’m sure.” She was quiet but firm about it. “We shouldn’t even be talking about this,” Blaise said softly. But suddenly it was all out in the open, and part of her was glad it was. She had been beginning to think she was crazy. Suddenly, she was feeling attracted to him. But she knew him so well now that it had evolved from the friendship they’d been building since they met. “All we can ever be is friends. Or you’ll break my heart when you go off with someone young to have babies. It’s better to stop it now, whatever the underlying feelings are, and just be friends.”

“Are you sure that’s a decision? Don’t these things just happen?”

“No, they don’t.” Blaise’s eyes flashed at him. “That’s how we both got hurt before. You make decisions in life. You stay away from something that’s wrong, or isn’t what you want. I’m a forty-seven-year-old woman who doesn’t want kids. You want them, and should have them. I don’t even know if I’d get pregnant again, without a lot of help, or at all. And you’d always be disappointed not to have children. Simon, I can’t do that to you.”

“Stop talking,” he said to her angrily. “You’re not negotiating a contract with the network. And I don’t give a damn how old you are, or if you want kids or not. I love you. I love your mind, your heart, your values, the way you think. I love how kind you are, your integrity. You’re everything I want, and all that I believe in. I don’t care if you get pregnant or not. Blaise … I love you.” And without saying another word, he took her in his arms and kissed her and the
roof fell in and then exploded outward and all she saw was sky as he held her in his arms. She kissed him for what felt like an eternity, and when she looked at him, she knew that everything she’d been saying didn’t matter, what he had to offer, the babies he wouldn’t have with her. They loved each other, and there was nothing else to say. He held her face in his hands and looked at her after he kissed her, and then he kissed her again. And when he stopped, they were both smiling. And Blaise knew that what his mother had said was true. She was in love with him. And he was in love with her too, no matter how impossible it was, or how old she was, or how young he was. They loved each other. It was all they knew. And the rest remained to be seen.

Once acknowledged, the attraction between Simon and Blaise was so powerful that it was like a genie let out of a bottle, impossible to put back. The electricity between them got stronger, the looks they exchanged across a room or at dinner, which Salima couldn’t see, were so breathtaking that they stopped talking, which Salima did notice. It was heady stuff, and both of them were trying to resist it without success. Bumping into each other, hands touching accidentally, shoulders brushing, it all fanned the embers of what had been growing all along, into a mighty blaze. It wasn’t destructive, but it warmed them both. And even not talking about it, which they tried not to, it was there.

When Blaise came home from the office now, she found him waiting for her, and it had new meaning. He asked her how her day had gone, and wanted to hear about it. He searched her face to see how stressful the day had been, or if there had been new confrontations. He smiled at the victories, and laughed at her irritated descriptions of Susie Quentin. Unlike anyone in years, he cared about her life, and shared it in a gentle, solid way.

And at night, after Salima went to bed, they sat for hours in the kitchen, talking about life, the blind schools he had contacted, asking for job applications, or Blaise’s concerns about Salima. They talked about everything that affected them both, without entering a relationship, but being in one nonetheless, whatever they chose to call it. It was love of the purest kind, which had started on its own, born of everything they shared and had in common, and their bond only drew them closer to each other while they tried to resist it. And Simon was possessive of her, without wanting to admit it.

For the first time in a long time, Andrew called her on her cell phone one night, as they were just finishing dinner. Salima was at the table with them, and Blaise took her cell phone back to her office to talk to him. He said he had been thinking of her and wondered how she was. He was in San Francisco on business, which she knew meant he wasn’t with his wife, and could talk freely, hence the call. She was startled to hear from him again.

“How are things with you?” Andrew asked in a jovial mood. It was early for him, and Blaise assumed he had just finished the day’s meetings. And he had that boyish, sexy tone in his voice that always used to seduce her. “I hear Susie Quentin is giving you a run for your money.” She couldn’t believe he had said it, it was so Andrew, a little passive-aggressive jab to keep her on her toes.

“You called to tell me that? What are you hoping, that she gets my job?”

“Of course not. You know I worry about you.” In fact, she knew he didn’t. And never had. Or he wouldn’t have lied to her. “It must be tough for you, though.”

“Not really,” Blaise said, trying to sound more cavalier than she felt, and wanting to prove to him that she was fine. He always pulled at the loose threads in her life, in the hope that she’d unravel. And even if she did, she wouldn’t tell him. “She’ll trip herself up sooner or later, they all do. Or they have so far. What are you doing in San Francisco?” And why are you calling me? she asked herself. Just to annoy me about Susie? It seemed so petty.

“Meetings. Nothing special. We’re going to Mexico for Christmas. What are you doing?”

“I’m staying here, with Salima. She’s been home from school since October. They had a meningitis outbreak and had to close the school for three months.”

“I suppose you have Abby with you.” He knew all the familiar pieces of her life.

“No, she died.” He was quiet for a moment, not sure what to say, and he didn’t ask who had replaced her.

“I miss you, Blaise.” He said it in a soft, husky voice, filled with emotion. But he had the inflections of an actor from reading the news, and she didn’t believe him.

“That’s nice to know.” It was all she could muster, and she wanted to get off the phone. He just made her unhappy.

“What about you? Happy?” He thought she sounded different, but he wasn’t sure.

“I’m fine. I’d better get back to dinner. Thank you for calling.” She didn’t mean it, but didn’t know what else to say. Thank you for reminding me of how sad you made me, for disappointing me, and lying. Thank you for breaking my heart, and staying in touch with
me, to remind me, and torture me, whenever you get bored. She knew that all she had to do was stop taking his calls, but somehow she never did. At least not yet.

“You sound so formal,” he reproached her. “I still love you,” he whispered, and she wanted to scream, “No, you don’t! You never did,” but she didn’t. Instead she didn’t respond, just said goodbye and hung up. He was a relic from the past, the ancient debris of her love life. He was dead to her but not buried yet.

She went back to dinner, looking subdued, annoyed at herself, as she always was, that she’d taken the call. He always unnerved her, and talking to him was so pointless. She took his calls out of habit, more than any desire to talk to him.

Salima had left the table when she went back, and Simon finished loading the dishwasher and turned toward her with a grim look, and then sat down with a cup of tea. He hadn’t made one for her, which was unusual for him.

“Why do you still talk to him?” He knew exactly who it was, just from her tone of voice and the fact that she left the room. She took all her other calls in front of him. But it was embarrassing to talk to Andrew with Simon in the room. There was something humiliating about it. Andrew was a symbol of loss and defeat.

“I almost never do anymore,” she defended herself. “And to be honest, I don’t know why. Maybe because it’s familiar, or there’s been no one else since, or because I want to prove he doesn’t upset me.”

“But he does. I can see it in your face and in your eyes. He makes you feel like shit about yourself.” She couldn’t deny it, it was true.
“It’s masochistic,” Simon accused her, and he was angry, at Andrew and at her.

“Maybe. It’s human. I’m not perfect. I’ve been trying to work my way out of that maze since he left. It takes time.”

“Four years? That’s crazy.” He was being hard on her, and he looked hurt.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry if it upset you. I’m not involved with him. And he hardly calls anymore. Sometimes I don’t even take the calls.”

“Then why did you tonight? Do you still miss him?” He was searching her eyes for the answers.

“Not really. Not at all, in fact. And surely not since you’ve been here. For the past two months, I never thought about him. Before that, I did. It’s lonely here, Simon. I’ve been alone for a long time.”

“You’re better off by yourself than with a guy like him.”

“I know that,” she said softly, and then Simon looked at her strangely.

“Would you take him back if he came back to you now?”

“No, I wouldn’t.” She looked and sounded certain. She was sure.

“Then why talk to him?”

“Old times’ sake. I’m still friends with Harry. I talk to him.”

“You’re not friends with Andrew. He’s a jerk. And Harry’s different. You have a kid.” But Harry never called about Salima, just to say hi to Blaise. Most of the time, he didn’t even ask about his daughter.

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” she said gently, and then smiled at him. He sounded jealous. But in truth, Andrew was no threat to what she felt for Simon. And that was very new. She still needed to
make shifts. And they weren’t in a relationship anyway. “And you talk to Megan. You said so.”

“I try not to,” he said, looking defensive and suddenly very young. “Besides, it’s only been two months.”

“And you don’t even know for sure yet if you’ll get back together with her or not. You won’t know that till you go back to Caldwell and see her again,” Blaise reminded him. “That’s a lot more scary for me than a guy I broke up with four years ago should be for you.” And they had no claims on each other, which they both knew and were acutely aware of. All they had were attraction and feelings, and the life they shared every day. “For all I know, you’ll go back to her like a boomerang the minute you get back to school,” she said softly. She thought about it a lot, and it was one of the reasons she hadn’t allowed her heart to rule her head with him. She was convinced he would. She could sense that his affair with Megan wasn’t over yet. And she didn’t want her heart broken again, or a brief affair. There were plenty of reasons for them not to get involved with each other. And Blaise was trying very hard not to, for both their sakes. She desperately wanted to be reasonable. And Simon had been sensible too.

“I’m not going back to her,” he said, sounding sullen, as he finished his tea. “I never should have gotten involved with her in the first place, while she was still married.”

“And if she gets divorced?”

“She won’t.” As he said it, their eyes connected again, and he leaned over and kissed her and held her close to him, and all thoughts of Andrew flew out of her mind. She was trying so hard not to give in to desire and passion, and do the right thing, but it
was almost impossible to resist. What they felt for each other seemed huge, and in many ways it made sense. And without the issue of his wanting children, she might have given in. She didn’t want to deprive him of something so important to him, particularly not at his age.

Neither of them mentioned Andrew again, nor Megan, and Blaise was swamped at work. Simon took Salima Christmas shopping, and she had very definite ideas about what she wanted to buy. She bought a beautiful bag for Lucianna to carry her sheet music in, because Salima said she always had things in paper bags and dog-eared folders. Even Salima had noticed it. And she got her a bottle of Chanel No. 5, hoping she would change perfume, which made Simon laugh. And she used her allowance to buy a bracelet for her mother at Barneys. It was a wide ivory bangle, which Salima thought she’d love when Simon described it to her. And she wrapped all the packages herself, and did it impeccably, at Simon’s suggestion. She and her mother had gotten a cashmere scarf for Simon, and warm leather gloves.

Simon brought Salima with him when he shopped for his parents, and asked her advice. She chose a cashmere sweater for his mother, because it felt so nice when she held it close to her face. Simon said it was white. And they bought a Christmas tree and surprised her mother with it, two weeks before Christmas. They bought it on Friday, and Simon and Blaise were decorating it on Saturday afternoon, while Salima had her lesson with Lucianna. Simon had strung the lights the night before, and he had brought the boxes of decorations down from the top of a closet, and he and Salima had bought a few new ones. The tree was almost finished,
when they went to the kitchen for hot chocolate, and didn’t want to disturb Salima during her lesson.

It had been fun decorating the tree together, and they were both in good spirits as they chatted. She was wearing an old flannel shirt and jeans, and Simon an old Harvard sweatshirt he wore sometimes on weekends. He had just set their hot chocolate down on the kitchen table, when he turned around and bumped into Blaise, with a package of marshmallows in her hands, which she was intending to put in their hot chocolate, and she popped one into his mouth instead, and as he laughed, his arms went around her and he held her close to him, and looked into her eyes. They could hear Salima singing in the living room and knew she wouldn’t walk in on them. And she would be with Lucianna for two hours. He kissed her then, after eating the marshmallow, and she tossed the bag of them on the table and put her arms around his neck as she kissed him in earnest. And suddenly they couldn’t stop themselves and hold back the tidal wave any longer. They were starving for each other, as his hands went under the old flannel shirt, and hers under his sweatshirt. Their bodies felt smooth, and their hands explored every inch they could as they seemed to kiss forever and finally came up for air. And this time they knew there was no stopping their passion. Silently, they went to Blaise’s suite and she locked the door without a sound, and Simon followed her to her bedroom. She gently kicked the door closed with her foot, as they peeled off each other’s clothes and dove into her bed and under the covers and began making love in the twilight of the December afternoon as snow started to fall outside her windows. They could barely breathe, their passion was
so overwhelming, and it was over within minutes. They lay looking at each other in her big comfortable bed that had suddenly become theirs.