A Penny's Worth (21 page)

She thought back to the conversations
they’d shared, and how those talks had ignited in Penny the desire to grow and
expand; the memories wrapped around her like a warm blanket. Mrs Jennings’ warm
presence was still felt in the room. Although she had only been in Penny’s life
briefly, she had enabled her to see that she could cover a lot of ground in her
life, should she put her mind to it.

“I loved her too,” Penny managed to say.
“She was special, and different, and she helped me so much these past few
weeks.”

Looking at her with curiosity, Rosie
asked, “What did she help you with?”

“Everything.”

Unable to bear the sight of the empty
bed, Penny bolted from the room and headed over to the patients’ lounge. She
sat down and put her head in her hands. Not only was the awful hangover getting
the best of her, the sense of loss she now experienced knocked the breath out
of her. She began to choke back sobs when the realization hit her that she
wasn’t just grieving for Mrs Jennings, she was also grieving over the fact that
she had never experienced with her mother what she had shared in a short amount
of time with a virtual stranger.

She slowly became aware that Mrs
Perkins’s daughter was watching her from the doorway. She was leaning against
the doorframe with a stricken look, and it made Penny forget her own misery.

Penny drew a tissue from the box on the
coffee table and wiped her eyes. She motioned to the woman to come in. Still wiping
the tears from her eyes, she managed to smile weakly. “I gather you and I are
not having a good day.”

“I’m Beth.” She put her hand out for
Penny to shake. “And you’re right, I’ve had better.”

Despite herself, Penny laughed, “Well
misery does like company. Come and sit by me.” She patted the part of the couch
next to her. “Your mom is so sweet and a delight to take care of. How is she
faring today?”

Shrugging, she replied, “The question is,
how am I faring today I’m afraid. Just yesterday, my sister Veronica had a massive
heart attack, and here’s my very ill mother comforting me.”

“That’s terrible,” Penny said.

Putting her head down, Beth covered her
face in her hands. “Mother is so practical and matter-of-fact. She told me that
she would visit her if she could, but she so calmly accepted that she
couldn’t.” Beth began to cry. “My mother has to be told that one of her
children might pass away, at the exact time she’s facing her own fear that she
may not leave the hospital this time.” Beth looked at Penny in astonishment.
“What made it even harder for me is how well she took it. Now here I am going
back and forth between two hospitals wondering if, and when, and who, in my
family I’m going to lose first. Isn’t that a sick situation? Life sucks I tell
you.”

“And I was sitting here feeling all sorry
for myself. Now I’m ashamed. I think that’s more than enough for anyone to deal
with.” She put a hand on Beth’s shoulder and asked her if there was anything
she could get her.

With a sigh, Beth said no. She stood up
slowly. “It’s time to go home and get some rest. I have to repeat my hospital
rounds in the morning.”

Laughing despite the grave circumstances,
Penny said, “Now you sound like me.” Impulsively, she stood up and gave Beth a
hug. “I promise to watch over your mom and I’ll give her extra TLC when you
can’t be here.” Beth hugged Penny back and it seemed for a moment that she did
not want to let go. Penny understood the depth of this woman’s despair, and let
her hang on for as long as she wanted to.

Gently patting her back, Penny said
soothingly, “You’ll do this and you’ll be able to be there for both of them.”
She gave a soft laugh and added, “It’s the stuff that you think is no sweat
that slams you down to the pavement before you even know it. What you
anticipate to be overwhelming usually doesn’t turn out as bad as you think.”

A small smile formed on Beth’s lips.
“Isn’t that the truth... Thank-you, I don’t always meet people that are as kind
and considerate as you are.”

Penny felt as if she were glowing from
the inside. “It’s nothing. I’m around if you want to talk, and while I’m on my
shift I will always be around your mother, I promise.”

Walking out of the lounge, Penny ran into Mike and
Alyssa as they headed toward her. She wanted to turn around and run as fast as
she could rather than face their rejection, or ridicule. I must have acted like
such an idiot last night, she thought, feeling panic rise up in her as they
came closer. Why would they want to be friends with me anyway?

Alyssa yelled out in glee, “God, what a
hoot you were last night, you big drunk. How you holding up this morning? I
made a bet with Mike you wouldn’t make it in.”

Mike looked her up and down. “See Penny,
I stuck up for you. I knew you were made of stronger stuff. Alyssa, you owe me
coffee and a bagel.”

Waving him away, Alyssa laughed. “You
dirty dog, you threw up on Bruck’s shoes. How hysterical is that? I love partying
with you. I can’t wait to see what you’ll do next. Let’s do it again next
week.”

Wearing a smile from ear to ear, Penny
could see that they were not deserting her. They didn’t think she was a jerk.
Alyssa, Mike and Josephine were not like the cold and detached neighbors that
she had tried to reach out to long ago with no success. This little group was
different, and she could call them her friends. She felt euphoria grab hold of
her like a hug from a big happy bear.

An idea popped into her head. It was
something that she had wanted to do for years. She took a deep breath and
popped the question. “Listen guys. What are you doing the day after
Thanksgiving? I’d like to have a little dinner party.”

Smiling brightly, Alyssa exclaimed, “I’m
in, but no turkey casserole or anything right?”

Mike snapped, “Alyssa, how ungrateful!
Penny, whatever you make will be fine with me.”

“Mike, I was just kidding, I love
turkey.”

“Whoever sees Josephine first, tell her
the plans,” Penny declared grandly. “I am going to prepare the feast of all
feasts that will put turkey day to shame.” She meant every word. She had wanted
this dinner party to happen for so long, and she was determined to make it
special. Now all I have to do is get past the day before it, she thought,
feeling fear join forces with her nagging headache. I hope I get through it in
one piece.

Thanksgiving Day turned out to be a beautiful, crisp,
sunny day. Despite her nervousness, she noticed that the vibrant colors of
browns, reds and oranges were still clinging to the few leaves left on the
trees. She knew winter would visit soon and the trees would look naked and
dreary.

She stood in front of her childhood home
and took in three long, deep breaths. Turning the doorknob, she slowly walked
inside. Penny never knocked before she entered her parent’s home, but for the
first time in her life, she felt as if she ought to.

Stepping into the foyer, she placed her
apple pie on the table, and tentatively entered the living room. Upon seeing Penny,
her family stopped talking and stared at her. The quiet that came over the room
was so uncomfortable that she felt she was ready to call it a day before it had
even started.

Dolores gave her a stiff hug. “Well hello
stranger, it’s about time you came around to spend time with your family.”

Penny eyed her mother warily when she
smelled the liquor on her breath. She could see the glaze in her eyes as
clearly as the glaze on the turkey that was resting on the dining room table.
“Happy Thanksgiving,” Penny offered with a short wave to the rest of the
family.

Amber and Theo were studying her as if
she were a rat under a magnifying glass.

“What have you done to yourself?” Amber
cried. “Theo told me you lost weight but, wow, you’re like a skeleton now. This
dieting can’t be healthy Penny. Are you okay?”

She didn’t answer. Instead, she hugged
her niece and nephews, making a huge fuss over them. She walked over to the coffee
table and poured a glass of Chardonnay.

“Penny, did you hear me?” Amber pressed.

“Actually Amber, I’ve never felt better
or been happier,” she answered, taking a sip of her wine. “You’re just not used
to me being as thin as you are.” She leaned against the wingback chair.

“Whoa, wait a second. I wasn’t trying to
insult you. Lately, you’ve been so on the defensive.”

“I’ll second that,” Dolores countered,
“And by the way, are you so happy because you haven’t been around us? Are we
such a burden?”

Stepping forward Steve warned, “Mom,
don’t do this. Not now.”

“Do what?” Dolores retorted. “All I’m
doing is asking my daughter a simple question, which I think I’m entitled to.”

Penny said tightly, “Not in front of the
kids, come on guys. It’s a family holiday. And anyway, all I meant was I’m
happy in my new job and I’ve made a couple of friends.” She shrugged and added,
“Not everything has to do with you Mom.”

Dolores snapped, “Then why are you
treating us so shabbily if you’re so happy? Happy people don’t shun their
family, and they don’t ignore important family occasions.”

Penny’s father looked away, just as he
always did. But this time something flipped upside down inside of her. She understood
her father for the first time in her life. Ron had to deal with Dolores when
everyone went home. He alone would be left with her anger, her resentment, and
her tirades. There was no-one to support him. All he was doing was just trying
to survive. He looked back at Penny and said tentatively, “Look, Dolores, now
let’s—”

She put a hand up to stop him. “Its okay
Dad, I can deal with it.”

Her father looked puzzled for a moment.
Her brothers and sisters-in-law stared as if she were an alien creature that
had just stepped out of its spacecraft.

“Dolores,” Ron said fearfully, “I don’t
want this day to turn into a shouting match. Please, let this be.”

“Stop telling me what to do!” Dolores
shouted with a large sweep of her hand which sloshed wine over the carpet.

Penny rounded on her mother. “Stop
bullying everyone Mom. We’re all getting sick and tired of it already.”

“How dare you talk to me that way!”

Steve intervened, “Dad’s right Mom. Let’s
just quit it. You always go too far.”

As Penny was putting the wine glass down
on the coffee table, she turned toward her brother and smiled.

Dolores shot back, “You think my parents
gave me half of what I gave you Penny! What an ungrateful daughter you are. I
didn’t get half of the mindshare from them that I’ve given you. They didn’t
even care if I finished High School for God’s sake.” Her voice rose even
higher. “They made me work at sixteen, and,” she paused for effect as she lit a
cigarette, “I had to give them all my money. I never had anything. It was always
about them.”

“Mom…”

“You don’t know what hard is, and I swore
your life would be different. I’ve tried to protect you from the harsh
realities of life and instead of appreciating my protection,” she took a long
drag of her cigarette and exhaled the words along with the smoke, “what you do
is hate me for it.”

It was time for Penny to leave. She would
never be able to have her mother understand that her so-called protection had
done nothing but place fear in her heart. More importantly, she had no desire
to try. She could no longer digest her mother’s tirades. She realized there
comes a point in one’s life when you have to permanently remove yourself from
situations that make you feel like you have poison in your veins. Penny’s
mother polluted her body and soul.

Her voice shaking, Penny said, “I’m
leaving Mom. I can’t forgive you for never having taken my hand in yours when I
was little to give it a squeeze. I can’t forgive you for not letting me learn,
through you, that I am worthy and strong. You never gave me a shred of
confidence from the get-go, and time is running out, I have so much to do. You
can live in your small, safe little world, but I will no longer be in it with
you.” Her voice began to catch and she felt tears form in her eyes. “You see
Mom, there’s just too much in life to enjoy, and I don’t want to be left out
anymore. So go ahead, smoke your cigarettes, pace the kitchen floor, watch your
endless talk shows, have fun.”

Penny turned around to retrieve her coat
from the hallway closet. Amber followed at her heels.

“Penny,” she pleaded, “Don’t do this,
please. You know Dolores is unhappy, be bigger and stay. It’s Thanksgiving and
we’re family. I miss you.”

She peered at Amber with suspicion. “You
miss me? I’m surprised to hear that. You’ve never given me any mindshare whatsoever.”

 “Well I’m certainly giving it to you
now. You’ve always been kind to me and my boys.”

Smiling softly, she teased, “I probably
won’t be babysitting for you anymore.”

Smiling back, Amber answered glibly,
“That’s okay, we’ll just dump the boys on your mother.”

Walking over to the doorframe of the
dining room, Ron pleaded, “Please Penny, don’t leave. Your mother is crying and
I haven’t seen her cry in years. Let’s try to work this all out. I’m willing if
you are.” Coming closer to his daughter with outstretched hands he beseeched,
“Give us a chance, we don’t want to lose you.”