A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens (39 page)

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Authors: Kate Williams

Tags: #Family & Relationships, #Life Stages, #Teenagers, #Self-Help, #Depression, #test

BOOK: A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens
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I can learn to relax and have fun.
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I can feel good about myself as a single mother.
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I don't have to be in a relationship to feel good about myself.
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Our kids aren't "done" at age eighteen.
Changing my beliefs about the nature of reality has contributed to having a manageable family life. I encourage you to look at your belief system and notice how it's changed and changing. Becoming more conscious of what you believe now and what you used to believe can renew your commitment to change.
Define Manageable Family Life for Yourself
During the first few years I was in therapy, I felt very confused about what I was working toward. I didn't know what kind of family life existed other than the painful one I had known for years. I knew I didn't want to be in such terrible pain. But what would be there when the pain was gone? The future was blank, a fog, an empty picture frame.
 
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Gradually I have defined for myself what goes in the picture frame called
family.
The family of my childhood was not manageable. Since I don't know from personal experience what it is, I have developed my definition from talking to therapists, listening to my body sensations, experimenting with schedules, and living and learning through crises and the process of trial and error. I use the word
manageable
instead of the world
normal,
because the latter has become meaningless. Everyone's normal and nobody's normal.
Here are some of my categories that help me create a picture of "Family Life."
1. Freedom from Abuse
In a manageable family life, family members are free from abuse. This is such a basic idea, many may be surprised I've written it down at all. Finding a home free of abuse has been my lifelong struggle, so this will always be my first thought about healthy living.
2. Freedom from Tension
In a manageable home, the house is free from tension most of the time. People are not walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Family members trust that they have the skills to resolve conflict when it comes up. For example, after Rachel turned eighteen, we had a conflict
 
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about her curfew. But having conflict doesn't mean there's constant tension in the house. She's testing my limits about setting curfew, and I'm standing my ground and staying calm. A tension-free environment also implies that anger is expressed in appropriate ways. It's like a sudden storm that has an ending, not an ominous, threatening storm that never breaks.
3. Families Show Respect and Empathy for Each Other
In a healthy family when something goes wrong, people say, "That's too bad" rather than looking for someone to blame. I was shocked when I heard this. You mean there are people who just say, "Oh"? You mean a mother could just say, "I'm sorry you didn't get a C in Shakespeare. That's too bad, you worked hard."
4. The Grown-Ups Act like Grown-Ups and the Kids Act like Kids
Comparing humans to animals helps me clarify the role differences of parents and children. The mother bear is not a playful cub. The cubs don't have to be in charge of defending the home territory.
Likewise, in a healthy family people aren't relegated to rigid roles of hero, clown, responsible kid, mascot. The grown-ups take care of their
 
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stuff and the kids get to be kids, which means nobody is overburdened and the roles can move and shift and be flexible.
5. Predictability
There is predictability about how things are going to be at home, both in terms of a routine schedule and also a steady emotional level.
The predictable routine includes weekly maintenance, daily schedules, seasonal celebrations. After my struggles of early sobriety, I learned how to have a manageable home life for the first time. One example of this is doing the grocery shopping on the same night each week. Even though we have a schedule, we don't have rigid rules about dinner at the same time every night. Our schedule suits us. We get special family "talking time" when we go to restaurants. The phone doesn't ring there.
We have a great tradition of seasonal celebrations. I love seeing the year go in its circle, moving from summer to Halloween, to Christmas, to all the spring birthdays. I cherish the holidays now because they have been changed so that they suit us, and I've changed so that I can be with people in a real way. Our list of holidays is our own unique list of celebrations, people, spiritual traditions, and family and friends. It belongs to my daughter and me as a family unit and is shared to
 
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some extent by my siblings, but not totally. It is shared by some friends, but not all of it. The only group it belongs to fully is my family unitme and my daughter.
6. The Family as a Structure Values the Individuals in It
The family structure exists to serve the people in it, rather than the other way around. How do you know if your family structure is a healthy one? Here are some guidelines: Does the family make decisions together about holidays? Do people have a say in decisions that affect them, like clothing purchases? Can people change their usual roles? Do people feel free to get help and have fun with people outside the family?
A healthy family offers democracy as well as setting limits and boundaries: people have a structure in which they can change the rules and the old messages.
In a healthy family there is a balance between togetherness and separation. The uniqueness of the individuals is affirmed. The need for children to separate, grow up, and move away is affirmed. The family as a continuing support system is affirmed. There are both planned group activities and individual activities. Both individuality and healthy belonging are seen as good.

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