A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens (30 page)

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Authors: Kate Williams

Tags: #Family & Relationships, #Life Stages, #Teenagers, #Self-Help, #Depression, #test

BOOK: A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens
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22
The Two Fires: Divorce
She drew an alarming picture of someone caught between two fires. Someone in the corner is calling the fire department and saying, "There's a child inside."
BERNIE SCHEMMLER
Divorce is hard on kids. On some level we all know this. Yet divorce is so common now that we may resist thinking about how stressful it is for children. It's difficult to face their widespread pain.
Let's start with the truththe reality of the painthen consider what can be done to alleviate some of the suffering.
When I was married in my twenties, I vowed never to stay married if it wasn't working, that I'd never stay in a marriage like my parents. Along with thousands of others of my generation, I thought of divorce as a solution. It meant that I would not repeat the pain of my parents' marriage nor force my child to go through years of watching
 
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her parents in misery together. For me divorce was a solution.
The "solution" produced unforeseen problems. Unfortunately, the stress of going back and forth between parents and the loss of the dream of an intact family can be devastating to kids. Divorce may change the economic security of the children; it often brings children into a life of poverty, a life that 20-40 percent of American children live in. Divorce always causes a disruption in children's sense of belonging. Divorce may drain children's energy if they are preoccupied with worry and anxiety about their parents' relationship and well-being. The statistics about the aftereffects are startling:
Although one in three children are from divorced families, they account for an inordinately high proportion of children in mental-health treatment, in special-education classes.... Children of divorce make up an estimated 60 percent of child patients in clinical treatment and 80 percentin some cases 100 percentof adolescents in inpatient mental hospital settings.
1
As a parent who has been divorced, the facts are sobering. But in spite of all those negative consequences, there is no way I could have stayed married. I believe that if I had stayed, Rachel would now be worse off emotionally. She would have continued to witness battering and perhaps become a victim of it herself.
 
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No matter what has happened since that marriage in the way of pain, it is not as bad as what I left. I have to remember that. I have to say that often. I have to give myself credit for getting out, for working and hoping for a better life for her and for me. I have to forgive myself for the pain I've put her through. As a result of my work and her work, Rachel has experienced a manageable home life. We both have a glimmer now of what
manageable home life
means.
If you have also been through divorce, and are reading this chapter with fear for the pain you've caused, please forgive yourself for the choices you made. Give yourself and your children the permission to work through all your feelings about the divorce. Go easy on the self-recriminations.
There are three aspects of divorce we'll look at in this chapter. The first is the need for family members to express and fully feel their feelings. The second is for you as a parent to find ways to decrease the tension between you and your former spouse so that negative feelings don't adversely affect your child. The third is for you to work on acceptance of your own situation, to work through the sadness to see yourself as you are now.
Kids' Feelings about Divorce
Divorce has special problems for adolescents. Even though parents may have split up when the
 
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children were very young and have established new homes and a sense of belonging for the children, at puberty even very secure children have a need to reprocess all the feelings about the divorce and about their mom and dad. So regardless of when your divorce took place, you need to be willing to see that your child has the opportunity to express feelings and find the therapy needed if the child seems to be blocked.
Children, even those in the same family, express their feelings in different ways. When the writer Bernie Schemmler was going through a divorce, she kept a journal. She was worried about her kids, because even though there had not been any of the problems of addiction and abuse in her marriage, she and the kids were feeling devastated.
Looking back through the journal years later, she noticed the pain of the children, as well as the individuality of each child's experience. The following excerpts are from the year that spanned the breakup. The first few passages are from the time when the marriage was in bad shape but had not yet broken up.
December 28:
I feel like my face is in pieces.... We are so locked in and the kids are beginning to show that. I'm always worried about Kathryn who is a barometer of our tension and never ever talks about it. Anne talks of little else when she's home and things are bad. Michael doesn't hear or see it, or if he does, buries it. What is this terrible process?
 
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March 29:
A difficult day despite resolve. Trouble with the kids nowMichael's inertia, passivity, a mirror of Paul's? Anne's social schedule, home so little, attempts to manipulate between Paul and me. Kathryn's requests for stuff, movies, clothes, magazines, books. She asks for things all the time and sometimes forgets that I've already answered, already said "yes" and asks me again. You could say she's not getting what she needs.
August 7:
Anne remembered our anniversary yesterday and Kathryn remembered today. Oh, she cried so hard, my poor fragile Kathryn. It's hard for me to understand today why it was necessary to do this. Kathryn tries to hold us all together. She's always asking what we can all do together. She didn't want to go to the movie this afternoon because she would miss Anne's leaving for Gina's cabin. I hope Anne has a wonderful time. It's her only time away this summer. I wish I were away.
September 2:
The first day after Paul left. Things are better today. Last night they were so bad for me and the kids. I understand what the books mean by the off-the-wall stage.
September 20:
Swing night. A bad night. I'm washing the kids' clothes before they go to Paul's. They're all running behind in their homework and schedules. Me weeping. It is very hard to let them go. I don't want to do it.
November 1:
Then I got so angry with Anne.... She took my best sweater and turtleneck over to Paul's. She either hid them in her jacket or stuffed them in her bookbag. I said I needed it. She said,

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