A Nightingale Christmas Wish (36 page)

He smiled with relief. ‘Thank you. Shall we walk, or would you prefer to find somewhere to sit?’

They ended up in the café beside the lido. Frannie sipped her iced lemonade and watched the swimmers splashing about in the Serpentine. How she envied them. She could feel the perspiration trickling down inside her flowery summer dress.

‘I wasn’t sure you’d want to talk to me, or even see me again after what happened,’ John began. He sat beside her, his gaze also fixed on the swimmers.

‘I’m sorry I stormed off that day,’ she said. ‘I was rather shocked after everything that happened. I just needed time to think . . .’

‘I understand.’ He sent her a cautious sideways look. ‘But I really wanted a chance to explain, to put my side of the story.’

‘I’m listening,’ she said.

He paused for a while, and she could see his mind working as he struggled to find the right words.

‘I never meant to lie to you, you must understand that,’ he began. ‘You’re the last person in the world I’d ever want to hurt.’ He stared down at his glass. ‘When I made my promise to Matthew I never expected to see you again. And then when I did . . .’ He paused again, then pressed on. ‘It was so difficult for me, hearing you talk about Matthew and realising how much you’d suffered over the years, not knowing what had happened. You don’t know how many times I wanted to tell you . . .’

‘Why didn’t you?’

‘How could I? I knew you’d hate me if I told you the truth, and I couldn’t bear that. But I also knew I couldn’t go on living a lie. It would always be there between us. So I decided the best thing would be for me to leave.’

Out on the lake, two little boys were splashing each other, both shrieking with delight.

‘I was so hurt when you did,’ she said. ‘I didn’t know what I’d done wrong. I thought we were getting on so well.’

‘We were,’ John said earnestly. ‘Too well, that was the point. I’d started to – have feelings for you,’ he admitted slowly.

‘I had feelings for you, too. That’s why it hurt so much.’

‘I know, and I’m sorry.’ He looked wretched. ‘But that’s why I had to leave. The more I grew to know you, the more guilty I felt at keeping this secret from you. I thought if I walked away, I could put you and everything else behind me.’ He smiled reluctantly. ‘But as soon as I left I realised it was too late for that. My feelings for you were already too deep. I knew I had to come back and tell you everything. Even if it meant facing the consequences.’

He stared out over the lake. His profile looked as if it had been carved from stone.

‘I’m sorry I took you to see him. It was the only way I could think of to tell you. I wasn’t sure you’d believe me otherwise.’

‘I don’t think I would have,’ Frannie admitted.

‘It must have been a terrible shock for you, seeing Matthew again after all those years?’

‘Yes, it was. That was why I walked away. I needed time to think, to clear my head.’ She glanced at him. ‘I was angry with you, too, for lying to me.’

‘And are you still angry?’

‘No.’ She didn’t even have to think about it, she’d spent so much time reflecting on it already. ‘I understand why you did it. You were trying to protect your friend.’

She understood that now, after keeping Kathleen’s secret herself.

‘I’m not sure Matthew deserved my protection, after what he did,’ John said tersely. ‘Sometimes I wish I’d just shot him on that battlefield.’

She looked up at him, shading her eyes with her hand. ‘Why didn’t you?’

He turned his head to face her. ‘Because I made a promise to you,’ he said. ‘I told you I’d look after him.’

A lump rose in her throat, choking her. When she’d said those words to John, on that station platform nearly twenty-five years ago, she’d had no idea that they would change the course of their lives.

‘I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see Matthew again,’ John went on. ‘I honestly didn’t know what had happened to him after that night. He went missing during an assault we were making on enemy lines. I didn’t know if he’d done as he’d threatened and run away, or if he’d been cut down in battle. I thought perhaps he’d changed his mind and stood with the rest of us . . . But then, just after the war, I received a letter from him, asking for help. He’d made it back to England, but he had no money and nowhere to live. He couldn’t go back to his family either. He’d lost everything.’

‘He only had himself to blame for that,’ Frannie said.

John smiled wearily. ‘You mustn’t judge him too harshly, Fran. That was typical Matthew, he never considered the consequences of his actions.’

He was right, Frannie thought. Even as a boy Matthew was impulsive, always coming up with good ideas, running headlong into things, then losing interest just as quickly. At the time she’d found it exciting. Now she knew better.

‘So you decided to help him?’

John nodded. ‘I’d bought a little cottage just after the war. At the time I couldn’t imagine going back to the army. I thought I might give civilian life a go, maybe try farming my own land instead of working on someone else’s.’

‘But you gave it to Matthew instead?’

‘His need was greater than mine.’ John shrugged. ‘Shortly after he contacted me, I decided to re-enlist. And Matthew needed somewhere to live, so . . .’

‘So you gave up the future you’d planned, for your friend’s sake?’

‘The idea was that he would work the land for me, as a sort of tenant farmer. But he hadn’t quite the enthusiasm for it I’d hoped,’ said John dryly.

Frannie thought about Matthew, eaten up with self-pity in his tumbledown cottage, blaming everyone else for his misfortune. He probably hated being so beholden to John, a boy from the workhouse, for his existence.

‘He’s lucky he had you to protect him,’ she said.

John smiled. ‘I feel as if I’ve spent most of my life protecting him.’

That was true, Frannie acknowledged. It had been the same when they were children. Matthew would get into trouble, and John would always take the blame for it. Nothing was ever Matthew’s fault.

‘Anyway,’ he went on, ‘I didn’t do it for him. I did it for you.’ His eyes met hers. ‘I kept my promise, Fran,’ he said.

And look what it cost us, she thought. She wished she’d never asked John to look after Matthew. He hadn’t deserved it.

John was still watching her, his eyes intent. ‘Do you hate me?’ he asked gruffly. ‘Can you ever forgive me for what I did?’

‘There’s nothing to forgive,’ she assured him warmly. ‘How can I hate you for being loyal to a friend?’

He let out a sigh of relief. ‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘I was so sure I’d lost you for ever, I hardly dared think I’d see you again. But do you – think there could be a chance for us?’ he ventured cautiously.

It was the question Frannie had been dreading, because she didn’t know the answer.

‘I’m not sure,’ she said.

He frowned. ‘But you said you forgave me?’

‘I do. But this isn’t about Matthew. It’s about how I feel.’ She met his gaze steadily. ‘I don’t know if we can be together, John,’ she told him honestly.

His face fell. ‘You don’t love me then?’

‘Yes, I do.’ She was only just beginning to realise how much. ‘But that’s what makes it so hard for me.’

‘I don’t understand.’

‘It’s not you, John. It’s this.’ Frannie looked at his uniform, her gaze fixed on the gilt buttons glinting in the sun. She’d had a great deal of time to think about what it meant to her. And seeing so many men in uniform on the streets of London had only confirmed her feelings. ‘Twenty-five years ago I saw someone off from the station and he never came home. It broke my heart. I don’t think I can go through that again,’ she said sadly.

‘You won’t have to.’

‘Won’t I?’ She looked up at him. ‘We both know war is coming, and soon. It’s everywhere we look now, isn’t it? Are you telling me you won’t be sent away to fight?’

‘I’ll resign my commission.’

‘John—’

‘I mean it, Frannie. I’ll leave the army.’

‘They wouldn’t let you.’

‘I only have another two years to go. Besides, I’ve done my bit for more than twenty years. They can do without me.’

‘You can’t,’ she said wearily. ‘You’ve told me before, the army is your life.’

‘You’re my life. You and Adam. The army nearly cost me my son, and it’s only recently that I’ve started to get him back. I don’t want the same thing to happen to us. And if that means giving it all up for you, then I will.’

Frannie stared at him. He meant it, she had no doubt. But she also knew it would kill him if he had to choose.

‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered.

His face clouded over. ‘So you won’t give me a chance?’

‘I think it’s best if we go our separate ways.’

‘Very well, if that’s your decision.’ She wasn’t sure what she’d expected him to do. But she should have known John wasn’t the type to argue, or to make a fuss. He rose to his feet, suddenly rigid and formal and every inch an officer. ‘I wish you well. I don’t suppose our paths will cross again.’

‘I don’t suppose they will,’ she agreed heavily.

‘Goodbye, Frannie.’ His face was expressionless, but he couldn’t keep the hurt out of his eyes.

‘Goodbye, John.’

As she watched him walk away from her, so stiff and tall, all her instincts cried out to her to go after him, to stop him walking out of her life for ever. But she forced herself to stay perfectly still.

If it hurt to see him go now, how much worse would it be if she had to see him off to war?

TWO WEEKS INTO
her stint on the Gynae ward, Effie was already beginning to hate it.

It wasn’t the patients who got her down. The women on the ward were all lovely, full of fun and laughter and always very appreciative of every little service she did for them.

But Sister Wren was another matter. Nothing Effie did was right, not matter how hard she tried. And instead of taking her quietly to one side and warning her, Sister made a point of humiliating her in the middle of the ward and making her feel useless.

Effie’s latest crime was to forget to put a cloth on Matron’s supper tray. Miss Fox hadn’t even noticed, but Sister Wren had, and she’d reduced Effie to tears in front of all the other patients because of it.

Afterwards, the women had gathered round to comfort her.

‘Take no notice of her, ducks. It was only a tray cloth, for heaven’s sake.’

‘That sister’s a bully. She’ll get her comeuppance one day, you see if she doesn’t.’

‘Dry your eyes, love. Here, have a chocolate.’

Effie sniffed back her tears, straightened her shoulders and went back to work, but she kept her eyes fixed on the clock, longing for five o’clock when she went off duty. At least she had a trip to the pictures with Adam to look forward to. They were going to see
Wuthering Heights
at the Rialto for their third date, and Effie had high hopes that watching such torrid romance on the screen might finally make Adam realise he had feelings for her. Third time lucky, didn’t they say? If not, at least she had Laurence Olivier as handsome Heathcliff to gaze at.

She arrived early at the cinema to queue for tickets, but as the clock ticked and the minutes passed, Adam didn’t come. The doors opened and the queue began to shuffle forward. Effie looked up and down the street, but still there was no sign of him.

She left the queue and allowed everyone to file past her while she waited for Adam. Even when the ‘House Full’ sign went up and the doors closed, he still hadn’t come.

‘Been stood up, love?’ The commissionaire in his smart gold-trimmed burgundy uniform smiled sympathetically at her.

‘I don’t understand it,’ Effie said. ‘He’s usually on time.’

‘I’d give him a piece of my mind, if I were you.’

Effie didn’t want to give Adam a piece of her mind, but she was worried. It really wasn’t like him to let her down. There had to be a good reason why he was late.

Once she started to think about it, her imagination conjured up all kinds of possibilities. What if he was trapped somewhere and couldn’t get out? What if he’d had another accident? What if he was dead?

The thoughts circled around and around in her head until Effie knew she wouldn’t rest until she found out for sure. Scrabbling around in the bottom of her purse, she found enough loose change for the bus fare to his lodgings in Pimlico.

By the time she’d knocked on the door of the tall, white-pillared house where Adam lived, Effie’s thoughts were racing nineteen to the dozen. She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when he answered it.

‘Effie!’ He looked surprised to see her. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘We were supposed to be going to the pictures, remember?’

His hand flew to his mouth. ‘Oh, God, I’m so sorry.’

‘So you should be. I stood waiting for you for half an hour.’ She planted her hands on her hips. ‘Well? You’d better have a good excuse, Adam Campbell.’

She saw the uncomfortable expression flit across his face and instantly knew why he hadn’t come. A prickle of unease inched its way up her spine.

‘It’s Adeline, isn’t it?’ she said flatly. ‘She’s here.’

He stared at her in astonishment. ‘How did you know?’

‘Never mind,’ she dismissed the question. ‘What’s she doing here?’

‘She turned up a couple of hours ago, in tears. Richard’s memory came back this morning. He suddenly recalled everything – including what led up to the accident.’

‘No!’

‘He lost his temper with her, accused her of all sorts, practically threw her out on the street. So of course she came here. She was so upset, I couldn’t very well send her away, could I?’

Couldn’t you? Effie thought. ‘I waited for you at the pictures,’ she said in a small voice.

‘I’m sorry. I completely lost track of time.’

I’m sure you did, Effie thought. She could imagine Adam being so entranced by Adeline’s return that he’d forgotten everything else.

‘Where is she now?’

‘In my room.’ He nodded to a door off the main hall. ‘I’ve spent all afternoon comforting her. She’s utterly distraught, poor girl.’

‘I bet she is,’ Effie said coldly.

He looked defensive. ‘I’ve said I’m sorry for standing you up. But this was an emergency, you must see that?’