A New World: Awakening (28 page)

“Quit being so damned logical!”
 
I say raising my voice.
 
“You scared me to death, Bri,” I add in a lower tone.
 
“You didn’t let anyone know where you were or where you were going.”

“I know you’re angry with me, Dad, and I’m sorry,” Bri says dropping her eyes to stare at her lap.

“Damn right I’m angry.
 
I’m pissed as hell but that’s because I was scared to death,” I say.

Bri raises her eyes back to mine.
 
“That’s how I feel, Dad.
 
I’m scared and I’m angry.
 
I don’t want you to go.
 
Why do you have to do this?”
 
She asks.

Here it is.
 
This is what it comes down to.
 
I come to the realization that there are two balances in progress.
 
One is in relation to them and me trying to come to grips with keeping them safe versus giving them experience.
 
But there’s another.
 
And that is taking risks myself versus staying around for them.
 
I’ve always had that in the back of my mind but I guess the Superman aspect I’ve felt from time to time never really let me think about that for too long or deeply.
 
I guess I always knew I would make it through and I’d always be around so that wasn’t really ever a player.
 
They want to gather the experience and I want them to be held in safety.
 
They don’t want me to take risks and to be around and I feel the need to take some risks for the safety of others.
 
I’m not sure that balance will ever come up with the perfect answer but I can understand hers and Robert’s perspective a little more.

“My sweet Bri, I owe these people.
 
They risk their lives to help keep you safe.
 
They helped without question and risked everything to get you back and now their families are in trouble and need help,” I say trying to help her understand why I take the risks I do.

“But you won’t let us take those risks to help the others who have helped us,” she says.

“I know.
 
When you have kids, you’ll better understand why,” I reply and give her the same talk I gave Robert about it being tough being a dad and weighing the risks of giving them experience against the need to see them safe.

“Oh, and about the having kids thing, that better not be soon,” I add after trying to explain how difficult it is being a dad in this new world.
 
Bri smiles.

“I’m sorry I disappointed you, Dad,” she says.

“Bri, you could never disappoint me,” I say wrapping my arms around her and drawing her close.
 
She folds her arms around me and I feel warm tears run down my cheeks onto her shoulder.

“I love you, Dad,” she says against my shoulder.

“I love you too, Bri,” I return.

I look up to see Gonzalez standing at the bottom of the steps.
 
I’m not sure how long she’s been there.
 
She looks at me and nods at Bri asking if she can talk to her.
 
This is my time with my daughter and I give Gonzalez a look letting her know she is treading on dangerous ground.
 
Gonzalez reads my look, nods her understanding but holds her ground.

“Sir, this is just one soldier to another,” Gonzalez says nodding at Bri who still has my arms wrapped around her.

I nod in understanding, release Bri and rise giving her a kiss on the forehead.
 
I head back into the cargo compartment.

*
  
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Bri feels her dad release his hold and the kiss on her head.
 
She knows what she did was wrong; not from a purely logical standpoint but more from acting without letting the group know first.
 
What if her dad didn’t know she was on the roof?
 
He would have charged out of the aircraft and into the midst of the night runners looking for her.
 
She knows he would have taken on every night runner to find her.
 
She did in fact put others at risk with her actions
, she thinks as Gonzalez sits beside her.

“Want to talk about it?”
 
Gonzalez asks.

“Not really,” Bri answers looking at her lap once again.

“Let me rephrase that.
 
Want to talk about it?”
 
Gonzalez asks again but with very little question attached to it.

Bri looks up and smiles.
 
She really does like Gonzalez and is afraid of disappointing her almost more than her dad.
 
She admires Gonzalez and likes how she makes her feel comfortable with just a few words.
 
Gonzalez can climb around, over, and through her walls with ease.
 
She feels a similar connection with Gonzalez as she did with Nic; not the same but close.

“I don’t know what got into me,” Bri says.
 
“I was just so scared for my dad.
 
I still am.”

“Bri, one thing you’re going to have to trust is that your dad knows what he is doing and that what he does, he has you and Robert first and foremost in his mind,” Gonzalez says putting her hand on Bri’s shoulder.

“I can understand some of that and I know the reasons but I still don’t really get why he has to take the risks he does,” Bri replies.

“Look, I know it seems like he does reckless and risky things at times but understand that he is mindful of what he is doing.
 
And know that he does know his limits, although I do sometimes question if he knows exactly where they are and instead plays it by ear, but he does know what he is doing.
 
Have faith that he will not do anything that will result in him leaving you.
 
This is a dangerous world we live in and nothing is ever guaranteed, but he won’t excessively risk himself if it means you will lose him.
 
He takes these risks for others but only because they have risked their lives for you and Robert.
 
He is merely paying them back for your safety,” Gonzalez says.

“How do you know all of this?”
 
Bri asks.

“Because I’ve known others like him,” Gonzalez answers.

Bri understands and appreciates her dad more.
 
She feels her fears settle and become acceptance.
 
Not a fated kind of acceptance as she is still scared about what is coming up.
 
Bri feels the tempered steel build and become a stronger part of her.

“How many did you get?”
 
Gonzalez asks.

“I’m not sure,” Bri answers.

“I guess we’ll find out in the morning.”

“I guess so,” Bri replies feeling a little shy.

“Well, little warrior princess, you sure chased them off,” Gonzalez says patting her shoulder before rising.

Bri’s heart swells with pride.
 
She still knows she did wrong and put others at risk but those words from Gonzalez fill her.
 
Words escape her but nothing can wipe the smile off her face.
 
That smile says it all.

“Come on, let’s head into the back and get some rest,” Gonzalez says.

Bri rises and follows Gonzalez.

*
  
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I walk down the steps not sure if I feel better or not.
 
The thought of Bri outside by herself picking off night runners, in their domain, sends shivers up my spine and a sour, sickening feeling in my stomach.
 
She did it because she was scared and felt the need to act.
 
Is that why I am doing half of the things I am – feeling the need to act?
 
Was she being reckless or am I just thinking she was?
 
She was quite logical in her thinking and seemed in control of herself.
 
I mean, it’s something I might even do.
 
Is that recklessness or have I reasoned it out in my head to make it seem like a legit risk?
 
Do the others view my actions as reckless and just go along with it because?
 
I know Lynn has issues with some of my decisions and I truly can’t say I blame her.

These thoughts pour through my mind as I enter the cargo compartment and take a seat on the lower bunk by the blacked-out window.
 
The soldiers stand silently looking everywhere but in my direction.
 
There’s an awkward feeling to the air.
 
Robert comes to sit next to me.

“How’d it go up there?”
 
He asks.

“All in all not too bad,” I answer.

“You know, not one person saw her climb up,” he comments.

“Yeah, I figured as much,” I reply.

“Why did she do it?”
 
Robert asks.
 
I explain as best as I can.

“I can relate,” Robert says after I finish.

I look sidelong at him.
 
“Really?”
 
I ask.
 
“How so?”

“Well, I get worried and feel the need to act.
 
I feel kind of stifled sometimes,” he answers.
 
“I understand why you do what you do but it sometimes comes up.”

“Okay, let me ask you this, do you think I act recklessly?”
 
I ask.
 
He gives his customary shrug.

“Seriously, do you?”
 
I ask again.

He sighs.
 
“No, not recklessly, I guess.
 
But you do take some pretty big risks.
 
But then again, you have different experiences so what I see as big risks, you see differently.”

“That’s a good way of putting it,” I respond.

“But jumping into a compound at night with a HALO jump?
 
Well, that’s different.
 
When is the last time, if ever, you’ve done that?”
 
Robert asks looking at me worriedly.

“It’s been a while admittedly,” I answer.

“Then why?”

Now it’s my turn to sigh.
 
“Go get Greg and I’ll explain.
 
He was asking the same thing and if everyone is asking, then perhaps I either need to reconsider or explain.”
 
Robert gets up and returns shortly with Greg.

“Okay.
 
So here’s the deal.
 
Like I mentioned to Bri, I feel the need to do this because these people helped and risked themselves to rescue yourself and Bri.
 
Now their families need help and I can give it,” I say addressing Robert for the most part.

“I understand that,” Robert says.

“Now, Greg, if you don’t feel comfortable doing it, and I can certainly understand why you wouldn’t, then please say so and be assured I won’t hold any ill feelings,” I say.

“No, Jack, like I said before, I’ll support you all of the way with whatever you decide.
 
I just wanted to talk it through and make sure we weren’t committing to an endeavor that we shouldn’t.
 
Sometimes we can get compulsive about an idea and force an answer.
 
I just wanted to make sure we weren’t doing that in this case,” Greg replies.

“I want you to feel free to develop those kinds of conversations whenever you see fit,” I say.
 
“Besides, we may not find the equipment we need rendering this whole thing moot.”
 
Greg merely nods.
 
I call Horace over.

“You know, sir, everyone feels bad for not seeing Bri.
 
Each person feels responsible,” Horace says on arriving.

“It’s not anyone’s fault.
 
Make sure they know that.
 
Sit with your teams and ensure they know there is nothing to feel bad about.
 
Bri made her decision and acted not wanting anyone to catch her.
 
I think she sees the light now, at least I hope so, but it’s no one’s fault,” I reply.

“I know they’ll be happy to hear you don’t think they let you down,” she says.

“Oh for Pete’s sake, no one here has let anyone down in the slightest.
 
Tell your teams there’s no use in their getting their panties in a, oh crap,” I say looking up, “I’m sorry.”

“No worries, sir,” Horace responds with a smile.

“The point is, there’s no use getting all bunched up over nothing.
 
There’s enough real shit to worry about without making stuff up.
 
Now, let’s get some rest.
 
We have another long day tomorrow,” I finish.

“Roger that, sir,” Horace says.
 
We bed down and I turn off the battery switch plunging the interior into darkness.