A Naked Singularity: A Novel (29 page)

“You see? And if today that witness robber were told she could get out three days earlier if your client did another two years, your client would do ten. Bet on it.”

“Well the singer’s out I’m sure.”

“You get my point. We’re in a kennel where every dog is cannibalistically craving canine sustenance and here you are talking about extending a helping paw. Every Thursday my girlfriend’s family would gather to pray for the grandmother. Forget that. When I pray I pray to Mammon—the god of avarice. He would’ve saved that woman’s life with laughable ease. His is true omnipotence while your god hears and ignores heartfelt pleas. The sooner you understand and accept that Casi, the better off you’ll be. What are you trying to sell yourself? Are you going to buy into the useless fiction that you operate outside the realm of the marketplace because you’re a public defender? What’s next? You going to go out and buy the requisite brown corduroy sports coat? Grow a ponytail? Then you can stay here twenty years like those guys you see in AP parts waiting for their fucking case to be called. And you can spend those twenty years hoping against hope that none of your favorite people ever need your help. What about your mother? Do you know what she went through? Have you ever been around a pregnant woman? And then when you finally came out what did she do? I’ll tell you what she did. She stuck her tit, an intimate part of her fucking body, into your expectant mouth so you could eat and not die. They turned their lives over to you those two people. You think they came here from Colombia to wash dishes and clean offices so you could—”

“How do you—”

“—take a vow of poverty? A person of your abilities? Who do you think you are? One of these trust-fund babies playing lawyer without a care in the world? The day will come when your mother and others will need you. She will need you to reciprocate for the years of sightless devotion. What she will need is for you to exercise power on her behalf; to ensure that no avoidably bad things happen to her. To do that you will need money and lots of it. You should thank me for helping you realize that.”

“Against your self-interest no less since there’s only so much money to go around.”

“You going to finish that?”

“No, I lost my appetite.”

“I’ll take it.”

“By my count, you said one thing that was interesting amidst that whole harangue.”

“What’s that?”

“Did you say you’ve smoked crack?”

“That’s right.”

“What the fuck were you doing smoking crack?”

“It’s hard to explain but essentially what I was doing was seeking perfection.”

“What does that mean?”

“It’s a long story.”

“One I want to hear.”

“Sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Well my entire life I’ve been enthralled with the concept of perfection. Contrary to common perception, as almost everything that’s true is, I believe that it is certainly possible to achieve perfection provided you properly limit the scope of your playing field.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Are you not attracted by the perfect?”

“The perfect what?”

“Perfection in any form. By way of example let’s talk about mathematics. Do you know what a perfect number is?”

“Yes.”

“I didn’t think so. Well pay attention you might learn something. A perfect number is a number that is the sum of its multiplicative factors.”

“I know.”

“So for example six is a perfect number. It’s perfect because the numbers that can divide six without remainder are three, two and one. These numbers are the multiplicative factors of the number six. Note that if we add these three numbers, if we add three plus two plus one, we also get the number six. Similarly twenty-eight is a perfect number since its multiplicative factors, one, two, four, seven and fourteen also add up to twenty-eight. There you are. Now let’s put aside for the moment my belief that although I have only ascertained about thirty-nine of these numbers there are in fact an infinite amount of them with infinity itself being a form of perfection.”

“Okay?”

“What’s your reaction when I tell you about these numbers?”

“Um.”

“Because my reaction when I heard about these numbers and really whenever I hear about anything that I equate with perfection is best described as something like adulatory love. With respect to perfect numbers, I’m not alone either. In ancient Italy there was a secret society founded by Pythagoras, yes he of the Pythagorean Theorem, devoted to the study of numbers. This Divine Brotherhood of Pythagoras, as they were called, essentially worshipped numbers in general and in particular ascribed mystical and magical qualities to perfect numbers. They felt what I know. Perfection rightfully inspires an awe that is religious in nature. Not coincidentally, there aren’t many people left walking around praying to a god they do not think is perfect. Of course they make the stupid mistake of ascribing perfection to a separate entity when it is in fact Perfection itself, as its own entity, that they are worshiping.”

“Hold it. Here’s the problem, you need to properly define the term
perfection
. The numbers you’re talking about aren’t perfect any more than a particular Rembrandt is perfect. The word perfect is being used in both instances subjectively. The numbers have a particular quality, arguably an attractive one, and on the basis of that quality some human beings over time came to refer to the numbers as perfect. In reality they’re no more perfect than say Fibonacci numbers or prime numbers.”

“Incorrect. The numbers aren’t being called perfect merely because they have an attractive quality. The numbers have a quality that’s attractive, true. But we come across other attractive qualities that don’t inspire us to utter the word
perfect
. The whole number 10 for example can be thought of as more attractive than 13.29 because of its roundness. The difference is that the quality perfect numbers have is an approximation, maybe even an example, of Perfection. The quality possesses the symmetry and flawlessness of the perfect, of the concept or entity we refer to when we use the word
perfect
. When we study the number six in light of its multiplicative factors et cetera we see that it really is more perfect than seven. It’s not a mere subjective judgment, it’s immutably true.”

“Maybe, but right now I’m more interested in your crack habit.”

“Very well then, my love of the perfect not surprisingly led me to attempt to achieve perfection. Before I came up here from Florida, I routinely represented about a hundred or so clients at any given time. Having grown accustomed to that, when I first got here, before I had a chance to build up a caseload, I found myself with very few cases and a lot of free time on my hands. The amount of time I could devote to each client had grown tremendously. Consequently, the quality of representation I could give my clients also increased greatly and that convinced me to revisit an idea I’d been toying with for years. The idea was I would pick a client at random and proceed to give that person
perfect
legal representation. I would represent him in a manner that was not only flawless and resulted in the best possible result but my representation would also have the beautiful symmetrical quality found in all objects we deem perfect. In the end I’d be Time’s first human author of perfection.”

“How could you be sure of
that
?”

“I couldn’t. This famously not being a perfect world and all that, but I could be highly confident. Anyway I did it.”

“You gave a client perfect representation?”

“Patience. The next time I was in arraignments I resolved that the sixth client I picked up would be the beneficiary of my perfection; I couldn’t be sure I would do twenty-eight cases so the choice was obvious. Barnes was his name, a big mean-looking guy who was the nicest guy in the world with a voice like the women who spray cologne at you in department stores. Let me tell you something, I was as nervous as some twerpy newbie trying his first case when I went in to interview this guy. Remember we’re talking about perfection here. Any slip-up no matter how minor would end my quest. If I tripped as I entered the booth or mispronounced his name that would decrease his confidence in me and be the end of it. My nerves were compounded by two decisions I had made. First, I’d decided this would be my only attempt. If I failed to achieve perfection, no matter how early in the process, I would not try again with a different client. The reason for that was twofold. For one thing, I doubted I would ever be able to achieve perfection if I wasn’t motivated by the lack of a safety net. This could lead to countless attempts of varying success each undercut by the knowledge that I could always jump ship and start all over. Also it seemed to me that true perfection involved success on the first attempt and not a gradual building up to it. If I were able to achieve success on my first try that would clearly be more perfect than if it took five tries. Agreed?”

“I guess.”

“Good, the other decision I made was that I would not engage in any rationalizations designed to fool myself into the illusion of perfection. If I failed, no matter how minor the failure, I would accept it and not lie to myself like everyone else does. If it turned out I was no better than the average chump, if I was unable to achieve perfection even when every fiber of my being was pointed towards this simple goal, then I would accept it, this soul-robbing mediocrity, like a man. Of course, I fully expected to succeed. As I said earlier, it is absolutely true that perfection
can
be achieved.”

“Did you achieve it? What happened?”

“Basically it was a burglary case. Dead as they come too. My guy gets caught inside someone’s apartment. The tenant screams for her husband while the guy makes a hasty exit. Cops nab him a block away. He’s got a screwdriver, an inculpatory ashtray, and makes a statement putting himself in the apartment. He’s also a violent predicate. Anyway I do a perfect interview and get him out.”

“How do you get him out?”

“I make a perfect bail application as I was required to do.”

“What does that entail?”

“Well after interviewing him for about an hour and a half, I didn’t put the case up for another four hours.”

“What?”

“Now you’re starting to get an idea of what I mean by perfect representation. During the dinner break I was able to go to the scene and interview some neighbors of the complainants. I gathered more information in those hours, favorable to my client and unfavorable to the complainants, than I normally would during the entire life of a case. By the end of my application, the judge, who was by no means a softie, had no choice but to say ROR. It was beautiful, as if he were acceding to a determination made by a higher power. In short, my bail application was perfect. But I want you to realize the level of attention to detail that was present. It was not merely a question of effort. Blind effort without sufficient aforethought, regardless of how strenuous, is the near-antithesis of perfection. For example, before I even started to put together my bail application I had to internally debate what my goal should be. Instinctively, I obviously wanted to get him out of jail with all the benefits that derive from that in terms of trial preparation and the like, not to mention avoiding the injustice or imperfection of being incarcerated absent any legal determination of guilt. On the other hand getting him out raised the strong possibility that Barnes would not return to court thereby opening himself up to the further charge of bail jumping. There was also the potential issue of plea negotiations. Since he was a predicate, any plea, even a perfect plea, would likely involve jail time and it was less likely that he would accept such a plea, which could prove to be a disastrous mistake, if he was not in jail. So there was a strong argument that if I got Barnes out of jail it could ultimately prove detrimental to him and therefore deny me the perfection I sought. Ultimately I made the perfect decision, reasoning that subsequent perfect representation would overcome these potential difficulties, and strenuously sought and achieved his release. The point is you can imagine how often issues like that would arise. To get Barnes out of jail I had to place allegations on the record but every one I committed to tied me closer to a particular defense strategy at a time when I had heard precious little of the People’s case. So fine lines were being straddled left and right but in every case it was done perfectly.”

“What about your other cases? What did the other lawyers you were in arraignments with have to say when you took five hours to do one case?”

“I did nothing on my other cases. Well I did the absolute bare minimum I could do while still being considered their attorney. As far as I was concerned I represented one client. Barnes. Every and all day I worked on his case.”

“It doesn’t seem like there would be enough work on one case to occupy your every professional hour.”

“Professional hour? Try every waking and I actually found myself wishing I had more of them. Remember, I had to divide my time between preparing for a possible trial, a trial that in order to be considered perfect would at the very least have to result in a complete acquittal, while simultaneously attempting to procure the best possible plea offer for my client; an equally valid yet completely different, at times even antagonistic, form of perfect representation. I had to involve other people in his defense such as investigators, interns, and social workers yet at the same time I had to strive to do as much of his defense myself in order to be intricately aware of every aspect of his case. I had to win Barnes’s trust and affection so he would go to trial if that was the course perfection dictated but perfection simultaneously demanded that I often inform him of objective distasteful truths that might cause him to dislike me. I also had to research every possible legal issue that might arise at trial so I read everything ever written on those areas of law and basically became the foremost, though unacknowledged, expert in them. So, you see, a lot of my time was spent doing the things we do on every case but of course doing them perfectly which takes a great deal more effort. But I also spent a lot of time doing things I’m sure nobody does on their cases or even thinks about doing, but which seemed to me necessary to a perfect defense.”