A Mother's Story (12 page)

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I had reached the point where every decision in my life was made according to what would least likely provoke Greg. I was living in fear of him. Which, of course, was exactly what he wanted.

Having been subjected to his rage once more and having glimpsed how tenuous his grip was becoming on whatever self-control he had left, I resolved to get my affairs in order. I had studied family violence and I was aware of the statistics. One woman a week was killed at the hands of a current or former partner. My experience with the police and court system had led me to believe that they were ultimately unable to protect me. I had watched Greg's steady mental deterioration, and I knew how much anger and paranoia simmered away inside him. He was a
time bomb waiting to go off, even if no one else could see it. The possibility that I would become a statistic at his hand was, to my mind, very real.

From the moment Luke was born, I had lived daily with the possibility that I would not live to see him grow into a man. This was not because I truly feared that Greg would kill me but because I had lost my mother at such a young age. As Luke approached the age I was when Mum died, I think I relived the fear I felt at the time (in the same way someone may worry when they reach the age at which their parent died). And that bothered me, not so much for myself but for Luke – that he could go through life without a mother. That, after all, had been my experience.

And so I sat down to write a will.

Important Information to Accompany the Will and Testament of Rosemary Ann Batty

I make this record to clarify the exact relationship that I have with Mr Anderson. He is in NO way my partner and I am definitely in NO kind of relationship with him. He is the father of my son, Luke, and to that end I endeavour to maintain a healthy, amicable relationship with him with Luke's best interest ALWAYS in mind.

     He has never contributed financially to my property, but has often assisted me with maintenance, cutting grass, repairs around the home, gardening and generally assisting where he can when requested.

     I believe Greg suffers from a mental imbalance but to my knowledge, this has never been medically diagnosed and I am not aware that he has taken any prescribed medication to assist with his behaviour.

     
He has admitted that he hears voices and I have witnessed frequent bouts of paranoia and delusion. In the fifteen years that I have known Greg, his behaviour has deteriorated and his frustration and anger have intensified. Without question, he has become more religious and seeks the comfort and surrounds of religious environments and religious people. He has no commitment to a particular religion and, since I've known him, has been involved with the Mormon Church, Hare Krishna, Russian Orthodox and, on occasion, Jehovah's Witness and Seventh Day Adventist churches.

     His family have remained extremely important to him but I don't know how much they are aware of his erratic behaviour. He eventually alienates himself from any friendship that he makes – particularly people he lives with as he becomes increasingly paranoid under pressure. His previous flatmate, Darren, in St Kilda, frequently spoke to me about Greg's unreasonable behaviour but was too intimidated by him to confront him about it. To my knowledge, at each address where Greg has lived, he has been asked to leave because of inappropriate behaviour. His family relationships are the only ones I have known him to be able to maintain and this, I believe, is because they don't see him often and he doesn't live close to any of them.

     I know that Greg loves Luke and I have done everything to encourage his role as Luke's father even when put under pressure to refuse him contact with Luke. I have never felt that this was the correct approach. Luke, without reservation, loves Greg and I believe that Greg is good with him. He has always spent time playing with him, teaching him things and introducing him to Christian beliefs. I have
no doubt that he does his best by Luke. However, Greg is incapable of accepting any responsibility for himself. He is unable to hold down regular and reliable employment, maintain a fixed address and certainly not able to maintain healthy relations whether with work colleagues, friends or acquaintances. His controlling, deluded and paranoid tendencies eventually surface.

     To date Greg is approaching forty-seven years old. He is living in shared accommodation that is partly furnished. It is shabby but obviously all he can afford on unemployment benefits. He has no savings, no car, no furniture or possessions other than basic clothing. I worry about what will happen to him in the future and definitely have concerns about his ability to have Luke to stay with him in a suitable environment.

     I am not trying to defame Greg because he can be a caring and fun-loving person. I care for and have cared for him deeply, but have had to accept that is it impossible to maintain a healthy relationship with him. For my own wellbeing over the years I have had to distance myself from contact with him but this has proved difficult as I have enjoyed his company and sincerely hoped that we could resolve our differences. I know now, and accept, that this is impossible. I also have no doubt that he loves me and his behaviour towards me is out of hurt and frustration, not understanding why I continue to push him away. He has never demonstrated any remorse or regret for his actions or acknowledgement that his behaviour has ever been unacceptable. I believe he sees me as the person with all the problems and is in denial regarding his actions towards me. It has always been impossible to discuss issues of any kind with him.

     
I make these points to demonstrate that, although Greg loves Luke as much as any father, he is not the person that should care for Luke as his sole guardian should anything happen to me in the future. As Luke's mother, I want the best for my son and that is why I am taking the time now to document my wishes – at the same time sincerely hoping that this will never happen. I need to feel that if Luke is to find himself without me in the future, that I have done what I can to take care of his best interests and wellbeing, both financially and emotionally. I believe that I know what is best for Luke and I hope that this is taken into account if anything should happen to me.

My Wishes

Guardianship: As per my Will, I have chosen Mark and Sharon. They are the best parents that I know and have the best family structure that I know. I have deliberately nurtured our friendship ensuring that Luke feels comfortable with and close to both their sons. He knows them better than anyone else. Sharon attended his birth and has felt a special connection towards him since then. They also know how important I believe Greg's presence in Luke's life is, and they have been friends I have turned to in times of stress regarding both Greg and my role as Luke's mother. They also know my family in England and would encourage Luke to keep this important link. Should my family live here in Australia, then my choice of guardians may well be different, but I feel like Luke should remain in Australia to be close to Greg and what feels familiar and safe to him, i.e., crèche/school and his friends, swimming classes etc. Mark and Sharon live in a lovely open farm-
like setting and Luke would love having the opportunity to grow up in this environment.

     My Family: I would love my Estate to pay for frequent trips for Luke to the UK to see my relatives, particularly his grandparents and my brothers. I also hope that they will take the time to visit Luke in Australia when possible so that he never forgets me and our English heritage. I welcome both my parents and brothers to take any of my personal possessions that they feel would be important to them if this should help them remember me. I owe my parents so much for everything they have done for me and wouldn't have the home or any of the lovely items within it without their help. I hope they understand the choices I have made and want them to know how much they mean to me. Even though I have chosen to remain in Australia, not a day goes by that I don't miss my family and wish they lived close by, particularly in regards to Luke as he would have benefited greatly in having his uncles around as good male role models.

     Greg: Over the years I have tried to place healthy boundaries between us. This has been difficult as I have seen the pain it causes Greg. I don't think Greg realises how much I have cared for him and these actions are to protect us from hurting each other further and displaying inappropriate behaviour for Luke to witness. I have wanted to assist Greg wherever and whenever I could but understand that this would not be helpful in the long term, and Greg has to take responsibility for the decisions he takes, both financially and emotionally. I would like my Estate to purchase a unit, or similar dwelling, as an investment for Greg to live in. Also, a suitable car for Greg to drive. Both
purchases should be bought and maintained by my Estate and not put in Greg's name. This way he would have the benefit of having them but unable to sell them or dispose of them. He would then have a suitable place to live where Luke could stay comfortably when visiting overnight and a car to collect Luke whenever his access visits are scheduled. Once Luke has reached the age where he can drive his own car, then Greg would be expected to take over the car and maintenance costs himself and it could be put into his own name and given to him. No further assistance would need to be given as Luke would be independent enough to visit his father utilising a car of his own. Greg would be able to stay at the unit as long as he wishes, but it is to remain in Luke's name as an investment property for him, as our existing house in Tyabb would be considered his possible home when mature enough to live there.

     I would be happy for Greg to have any sentimental possession of mine should he wish to take anything to remember me by. I would also be happy for my Estate to pay for an annual holiday for Luke and Greg to go somewhere in Australia/New Zealand together. This could be camping, skiing or something of that nature. Nothing too extravagant – but somewhere they both would like to go and stay in comfortable accommodation with sufficient spending money to enjoy the trip. I hope that Greg respects my decision that Luke should live with Mark and Sharon and continue access/custody arrangements as per decided by the Magistrates Court. I sincerely hope also that by including Greg in this way that he understands how much I want him to continue to be a good father to Luke and how I have tried to recommend these arrangements with
this in mind. Should Greg counteract my guardianship recommendations and insist that Luke live with him then I hope Mark and Sharon will take the matter to court in an attempt to have this arrangement enforced. All costs to be met by my Estate. Should the judge decide in favour of Luke living with Greg then I retract the above and offer no assistance to Greg for both accommodation or transport. I would expect him to take full financial responsibility for Luke and to be in a position to provide a suitable place to live. All of my assets and money in my Estate would be managed by my Executors in trust for Luke until he reaches twenty-five years of age and I have complete faith that they would handle my affairs fairly and in Luke's best interest.

     Mark and Sharon: I know they would treat Luke equally as if he were their own son and this is why I have chosen them to be both Executors and Guardians. I would love Luke to grow up learning the importance of saving and respect for financial affairs – mainly so that he will act responsibly when he finally inherits my Estate and also so that he won't feel obliged to give money to his father to bail him out or enter into any enterprise that Greg may introduce him to where he could squander his inheritance. I trust their judgement completely. Perhaps they have a better perspective on some decisions where firmness is required! I hope they encourage Luke to pursue University, TAFE or an apprenticeship of some kind. Anything where he shows passion and spontaneous ability. I trust them to utilise funds from my Estate to ensure Luke is given the same opportunities that their boys receive and the same appreciation for possessions/gifts and having to save for
things that are important to them will therefore teach him the value of things. I hope to improve on this with Luke over the next few years myself and I know Mark and Sharon have a firmness that I lack that Luke will respect.

     Funeral: What a topic! My favourite songs/hymns of all time are:

     ‘What A Wonderful World' (Louis Armstrong)

     ‘Imagine' (John Lennon)

     ‘Amazing Grace'

     ‘Morning Has Broken'

     I probably prefer to be cremated and my ashes returned to England where they can be thrown into the River Trent from the flood bank in the field at the rear of our farmhouse. I always loved looking at the river from my bedroom window and somehow or another that view is most prominent in my mind whenever I think of home. I would like something to be engraved on my mum's gravestone in remembrance so that Luke always has a place to visit and reflect on my memory. I have always returned to my mum's grave when I've wanted to talk to her and tell her things that were troubling me. It's important to have somewhere to go even if it may be on the other side of the world. As much as I love living in Australia I am so torn about my heritage and was devastated when Dad sold the farm. I know that the scattering of my ashes would involve all my closest friends and family – and would like my Estate to pay the expenses for Mark and Sharon and their family to accompany Luke over to England for the occasion so that they can remember me and have a good holiday together to enjoy a lifetime trip that Luke will always remember with some happiness mixed with obvious sadness.

     
I know that my true friends will pull together and provide the love and assurance that Luke will need – but I intend to stick around and hope that these wishes and requests never have to be put into effect.

     Thanks to you all and, if the worst should happen, ENJOY! Enjoy my memory and laugh at my silly insecurities and shortcomings. Maximise whatever wealth can be taken from my Estate without leaving Luke short. I would be ecstatic if all friends and family could get together either annually or biennially and have a BBQ in my memory. An occasion to bring everyone that was important to me together to help Luke keep his connection with me and all that I have tried to stand for. Sincerity, generosity and integrity in regards to both friendship and family. I have sometimes fallen short in these areas but I have always attempted to be the best I can be. I hope Luke can continue to improve on them for me. Please include Greg as best you can and as much as he allows. I know how troubled he continues to be and hope one day that he may find the peace that he seeks.