A Mother's Secret (23 page)

He longed to stop her from working there. He wondered how he could convince her that keeping her job at the hotel wasn’t a good idea. Joshua pushed that idea aside and started toward the door. It was none of his business if she decided to work in the Lancaster Grand Hotel. After all, he couldn’t act as if he owned Carolyn. They weren’t even dating.

As he stepped out onto the porch, he wondered what it would be like to call Carolyn his girlfriend. However, when it came to dating, he didn’t even know where to begin. He needed to ask God to guide his relationship with Carolyn and send him a sign, letting him know if he was on the right road.

Carolyn waved to Madeleine as she pushed her housekeeping cart toward the supply closet at the hotel. “Good morning. How are you?”

Madeleine smiled. “I’m doing well. Are you heading to lunch?”

“
Ya
.” Carolyn stowed the cart in the closet. “I’m actually ahead of schedule today.”

“That’s great.” Madeleine walked beside her as they headed toward the break room.

“I didn’t think I’d have much energy because I didn’t sleep well last night.” Carolyn shrugged. “I guess I found my second wind.”

“Why did you have trouble sleeping?” Madeleine looked concerned.

Carolyn paused. She didn’t know Madeleine well enough to share something so personal. Instead, she simply smiled. “I just had one of those nights when my mind was working overtime.”

“Oh.” Madeleine nodded. “I’ve had nights like that too.”

Carolyn followed Madeleine into the break room, where Ruth and Linda were already unpacking their lunches. “Hello. How’s your day going?” She fetched her lunch from the refrigerator.

“It’s going well,” Ruth said between bites.

“Mine is the same. The usual.” Linda lifted her cup of water.

Carolyn sat beside Madeleine and bowed her head in silent prayer before unpacking her sandwich.

“You seem rather chipper, Carolyn.” Ruth studied her.

Carolyn shrugged. “I’m just full of energy today. I spent a little extra time on my prayers last night, and I feel better about some things today.”

“Oh.” Linda nodded slowly. “I understand. I’ve experienced that too. Sometimes things are stressful at home, and I feel better after I discuss it all with God. I always feel better after I give my stress to him. He can always calm the rough seas in my heart.”

Madeleine cut up an apple. “I’ve felt that too. I’ve faced some hard times in my life. Now I feel as if I’m at a crossroads, and I need to make a change for the better. I’m certain that God is leading me here. I’ve been lost spiritually for a long time, and
coming here has given me the comfort I need. I think being in an Amish community is helping me handle some of my problems.”

“Being Amish doesn’t solve all your problems.” Linda frowned. “I’m Amish, and I still have problems and challenges in my life.”

“That’s true. We’ve all had hard times.” Ruth lifted her sandwich. “But being Amish gives you a support system. Our community is there for us when we need them.”

“
Ya
, that’s true.” Carolyn pulled a roll out of her lunch bag. “I attended a barn raising yesterday for a family that lives outside of my church district. There were families from different church districts from across Lancaster County who came to help.”

“But we still have problems.” Linda’s voice was soft. “The community can’t solve everything.”

Carolyn sighed. “That’s true, but we have our deep faith, which gets us through the rough times.”

“Faith is definitely a huge part of our community,” Ruth said.

“I know that, and I think that’s one reason I’ve always felt I belonged here.” Madeleine sipped her cup of water. “I loved visiting my grandparents as a child, and I never wanted to leave. My grandmother used to tell me stories about growing up Amish and going to the one-room schoolhouse. I loved how she made her own clothes and used a wringer washer instead of the regular one we had in our house. The house is surrounded by Amish families.”

“Where do you live?” Carolyn asked as she ripped apart her roll.

“In Paradise.” Madeleine shared the street name. “My property backs up to an Amish farm. There’s a sign that says Beiler’s Cabinets by my driveway.”

“Beiler’s Cabinets?” Carolyn asked with surprise. “That’s Saul Beiler’s house. I’m friends with him and his daughter.”

“You know my neighbor?” Madeleine looked surprised. “It’s a small world.”

Carolyn nodded with surprise. “
Ya
, that’s very true.” She bit into her roll.

Madeleine drank more water. “I always wondered what it would be like to live like an Amish person.”

“Being Amish is about more than wringer washers and making our own clothes,” Ruth said gently. “Some
Englishers
think it’s easy to become Amish, but you have to make some big changes in your life.”

Carolyn laughed. “That’s right. You’ll have to find a wringer washer and learn how to use it. Did you ever help your
mammi
with the wash?”

“I did.” Madeleine smiled. “She taught me how to use the wringer washer and how to sew and quilt. We had a wonderful time. I guess I should say a
wunderbaar
time.”

“Did you ever go to church with her?” Ruth asked.

Madeleine nodded. “Yes, I did. I couldn’t understand much of it, but I was fascinated by the bishop and the minister while they spoke. I miss those times with my grandmother so much.”

Carolyn nodded. “I understand how you feel. I miss my
daadi
all the time.”

Madeleine began sharing more stories about the summers she’d spent at her grandparents’ house, and Carolyn smiled. She was thankful that she had good friends to take her mind away from all the emotions that had haunted her throughout the night.

Sunday afternoon Carolyn carried a coffeepot toward the barn after the church service ended. Lunch was served in Amos’s largest barn, where the benches were converted into tables. Carolyn smiled and greeted the members of her church district while leaning over them and filling their cups.

She looked back toward the entrance to the barn and spotted Rosemary helping Sarah Ann deliver platters covered with bowls of peanut butter spread. They talked and smiled as they approached the tables.

Emma Beiler touched the sleeve of Carolyn’s purple dress. “
Wie geht’s?
”

“Emma!” Carolyn smiled at her. “I was so
froh
to see you and your
dat
came to service with our district today.”

“Amos invited
mei dat
and me. I was so excited that I would be able to see you and Rosemary.” Emma wore a pretty pink dress.

“That’s nice that Amos invited you.” Carolyn nodded slowly while wondering if the invitation was a way to get Carolyn and Saul to see each other.

Emma gestured toward the entrance to the barn. “I’ll go see if Rosemary needs more help bringing out the food.”

“Okay. I’ll see you later.” Carolyn moved to the second long table and began filling more cups.

Carolyn spotted Saul sitting with Amos, and her body tensed. When she reached him, she gave him a pleasant expression as she poured coffee into his cup. He responded with a broad smile. She again found herself wondering which man was the better choice for her—Joshua or Saul. She felt caught between what she wanted, which was true love, and what she felt
was more practical, which was a man who was interested in her as a housewife and who would accept her even though he knew about her past.

As she finished filling the rest of the coffee cups, Carolyn contemplated her choices once again. Which road was the best one for her and for her son?

THIRTEEN

A
manda sat on her grandmother’s porch with her twin, Lillian, while their brother, Andrew, worked in the barn with their grandfather the following Saturday afternoon. Amanda couldn’t stop thinking about how much her mother had cried when she last saw Lily at the grocery store. She had to find a way to bring up the subject gently without prompting Lily to turn on her as well. She was determined to bring peace between her mother and sister, and she prayed for the correct words to inspire her sister to finally forgive their mother.

“So how’s school?” Amanda lifted her glass of iced tea. “Do you still like teaching?”

“I do.” Lillian held her glass of iced tea in her lap. “The scholars are so smart. I love watching their eyes light up when they understand something new.”

“You were born to teach. I’m so glad it’s going well for you.” Amanda leaned back in the swing and pushed her long braid behind her shoulder.

“Don’t you miss your prayer covering?” Lillian studied her. “I can’t imagine being seen in public without keeping my head covered.”

Amanda considered the question for a moment before
responding. “At first it felt strange, but then I got used to it. I haven’t cut my hair, but I do wear it down sometimes.”

“How’s school going for you?”

“It’s good. I’ve been studying hard, and so far I’m getting really good grades.” Amanda smiled as she thought of Mike. “I went out on a date recently.”

“You went on a date and didn’t tell me?” Lillian smacked her hand on the porch swing as she moved closer to Amanda. “I want details. Who is he?”

“Do you remember Mike from the bookstore?” Amanda asked. Her sister nodded. “I ran into him at the gas station, and he asked me out. He didn’t recognize me at first because of my
English
clothes. He’s going to school too, and he still wants to be a doctor. He took me out to dinner and a movie. We had a really nice time.”

“Wow. That’s exciting.” Lillian grinned. “I remember you talking about Mike last year. I’m glad you ran into him. Do you think you’ll go out again?”

“I hope so.” Amanda raised her eyebrows. “How’s Leroy?”

“He’s
gut
. I see him at youth gatherings.” Lillian set down her iced tea and looked down as she swiped her hands over her apron. Amanda knew her sister was avoiding eye contact with her.

“I miss you.” Amanda said the words that seemed to hang unspoken between them. “My room is too quiet without you there snoring in my ear.” She tried to make a joke, but it fell flat.

Instead of smiling, Lillian responded by sniffing as tears stung her eyes. “I know what you mean, and I miss you terribly.
Zwillingbopplin
shouldn’t be apart. I miss Andrew too. I love
Mammi
and
Daadi,
but it’s not the same without you and Andrew.”

Amanda stared out toward the pasture while trying to choose her words wisely. She knew it was time to say something about
Mamm
, but she had to be careful with how she began the conversation. She didn’t want her sister to shut down and stop talking to her. “I wish you would come visit us. I think you’d like the bed-and-breakfast.”

“You know I can’t do that.”

“Why?” Amanda faced her sister. “What’s holding you back from seeing us?”

Lillian glared at her. “You know the answer to that. I can’t give
Mamm
the impression I’m blessing her new marriage. She broke her vows to the church, and she left me alone. She shouldn’t have left the church for that man. It’s just plain wrong.”

Amanda sat up straight and challenged her. “So you’re saying it’s your pride that’s holding you back from coming to visit us?”