A Model Romance (True Love Book 3) (18 page)

I keep all the sarcastic remarks I’m thinking to myself this time. If the guy wants to teach me how to breathe, I should be kind enough to let him.

He and Pam lie back on their mats with their knees bent. Thank God, I can finally get out of this position, assuming I
can
get out of this position. They fall into a meditative breathing rhythm, their hands placed on their bellies. Inhale through the mouth, hold, exhale slowly through the nose. I try to follow their movements as he coaches me through it.

“Fill the belly like a balloon, and expand the chest,” he says as he shows me first.

We lie here for at least twenty minutes, just breathing. At some point, my body gave in and became aware of and grateful for the increased oxygen. When I lift weights, I hold my breath to create an anaerobic movement to contract the muscle. This feels different. I can feel the sinew in my body relax into the mat, and deeper into the floor.

“All right, that’s enough for today. Come back whenever you’re ready, OK?” Eric says, softly, but loud enough to break my meditation.

I feel like I’ve slept for eight uninterrupted hours. I groggily open my eyes, and see Pam standing over me, hugging Eric and thanking him for his time. I rise, and thank him as well, and we leave.

“I hate to admit it, but I feel fucking great.”

“I knew you would; it’s the best nutrition you can give your body. Fully oxygenated blood heals everything,” Pam says, as we sit on the same couch at her place where we started to bang each other’s brains out that night.

“Thank you, Pam. I owe you so much, I don’t know what I can do to repay you. One question, though. If you’re trying to change, why were you out trolling the bars for someone to pick up that night?”

She winces at my question.

“First of all, I wasn’t trolling, I was there with friends. Secondly, you’re ridiculously gorgeous; and third, I told you, I wanted to try out some techniques on someone other than Eric.”

“Whoa, wait a minute. What was all that talk about controlling the sex drive and not having sex? What the fuck, Pam!”

“Slow down, Wick. Eric and I are not in a relationship, we are using our bodies with each other to learn and experiment. It’s not sex the way you think about it. Most of the time, there is no orgasm. We’re practicing Tantra.”

If these two are trying to get me to stop thinking about sex, then why are we discussing Tantra?

“Isn’t Tantra like becoming a sexual expert?”

“No, not even close. It’s about having a closer connection than just sex. It’s about giving and sharing, selflessly, with another person. You don’t think about your sexual needs; you share in a mindful experience. It’s incredible. The idea is to become enlightened, and not burdened with the need to exhaust your sexual energy and juices.”

“Juices? Gross, Pam. I happen to enjoy exhausting those ‘juices,’ or at least I used to.”

“See? That’s the whole point! How do you feel after you orgasm? Tired and physically spent, right? Imagine having that pre-orgasmic feeling feeling last, and feeling that energy flow through your entire body and not just momentarily out of your penis. Now, I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, not at all, but to experience things on a higher level we have to learn to control the baser bodily functions. That’s the goal, Wick. It’s about
control
. When you become healed and whole sexually, you’ll be able to connect on a more emotional level with someone. Do you get it?”

It still feels strange to discuss my sex drive on a clinical level. It
was
incredible with her that night. Delaying my come with her all night at first felt frustrating, but the pleasure was so much deeper. My world is opening up before me, and I’m going to jump right in.

Chapter 17

I have the breathing down. For weeks, the three of us have been breathing together. After her bombshell about them having sex, or whatever they have, I notice how cohesive they are. Their breaths match, inhale for exhale, and they move in unison. I’ll bet their time together lasts for hours.

When we arrive at the studio today, there are floor pillows sitting on our mats. I’m still not fully convinced that we won’t all have sex together, so I see this as a sign.

“What are those for?” I ask, warily pointing at them.

“Where going to begin our meditation today. Your breath is under control, now we begin to work on the mind. Meditation will unlock the chakras in your body,” Eric says, squatting unnaturally into a pretzel.

“What the hell are chakras?”

“Chakras are the energy centers in our body that govern our most basic needs to our most enlightened and spiritual selves.”

I try to appear as if I understand, but Eric sees right through me.

“I realize to someone new to the practice that it’s counterintuitive to the way we have been taught how to understand our bodies, at least in the Western world. It’s a more logical and accurate way to understand our body and how it connects to the universe.

We start with the “root” chakra, which is located at the base of the spine. It’s where all energy begins. Picture a prism in your mind. The root is associated with the color red. Like the hot center of the Earth, the root is a ball of pure energy where we begin and are grounded in our lives. If the root is out of balance, you feel less grounded, and chaos ensues. When balanced, there is strength and security.

Kundalini is Sanskrit for “coiled up,” like a snake. In the root, our energy is coiled and tight like a spring or a snake that is ready to attack. When the energy is awakened and allowed to flow, it makes it path up the spine and through the six other chakras of the body, the last one being through the top of the head. It’s not difficult once you learn about the chakras to see where your energy is blocked in your life.”

Easy for him, maybe.

“The next stop is
the pelvic chakra, which is associated with water. When in balance, we feel fluid and our creative juices flow. Our sexual energy is centered here. Our life juices also live in this region. When continuously released, we feel depleted, and less creative. Our life force is spent. When the life energy is stored and saved, it helps to elevate you to a higher plane of consciousness. If never allowed to reach this level, relationships and creativity will suffer.” He waits for acknowledgment of what he’s been saying, “Does any of this seem to ring true for you, Wick?”

Well, so far my root and pelvic chakras are whacked out. I can’t
wait
for him to continue. Crap.

“Yes. It does, Eric. How do I fix them?”

“It’s not a quick and easy fix. That’s why we begin with meditation. You’re breathing well, now we need to tap into our energy. In Kundalini we use mantras and chants. It helps to vibrate and ‘awaken’ the chakras. I’ll show you.”

He begins to chant something in a different language, and it reverberates throughout the room. I can feel his energy awaken from here. I can only imagine what it’s like inside his own body. It seems odd looking at it from the outside, but you can’t argue with the results. I’ve never met a calmer, more centered person in my life.

Pam is in her own area, deep in meditation. She didn’t pay attention to any of our conversation; she was able to focus that quickly. I need that focus in my life–everywhere from my job to my personal life.

Eric finishes his short demonstration, and we sit on our pillows. He starts me off with the basics.

* * *

The past few months have changed my life immeasurably. When I think back to the person I was almost two years ago, I know I wouldn’t recognize him. I can’t fathom how out of control my life had become, and I didn’t know it. It took a major fuck-up for me to see that I was on a dangerous path in my life.

When I first began to work in Glencoe, I was miserable. I missed being in the city. During the day all I could see were super-rich, bored housewives shoving their kids off to nannies as they shopped. Now, I appreciate the beauty of the small town I help protect, and the gift of a quiet place to find peace. I still love the city, but there’s something truly fulfilling in recognizing the people you serve in the community. I feel connected with my job for the first time.

Not having to live at the station allows me the freedom to have sessions with Pam and Eric whenever I feel like it. I learned about the remainder of the chakras– navel, heart, throat, third-eye and crown–and their meaning and associated energy. I don’t ever aspire to true enlightenment, so I stick to what my body and mind need the most.

It took me a while to learn how to awaken and recognize my sacral or pelvic chakra. Eric explained to me that when the sacral chakra is in alignment, I would be able to pull energy for creativity, movement, procreation, desire, pleasure and relationships. I cook everyday, trying to use my creativity in a healthy manner.

The desire and pleasure part is more difficult. I’ve had, and enjoyed, spontaneous erections throughout my life, and acted on almost all of them when I could. When I was younger, I probably masturbated more in a week than an entire high-school football team would in a month. My brain has been slow to get the message on the erections, but I have worked diligently on learning to control them, not eliminating them. I meditate everyday, morning and night, and practice my yoga moves that help to recirculate my sexual energy. I haven’t masturbated to what I used to think was “completion” in months. The exhaustion and guilt that came after ejaculation, have been replaced with a deep, sensual desire for a strong personal connection.

After a couple of months of training, Pam offers to teach me some of the tantric activities that she and Eric practice. She lectured me first about what to expect.

“Tantra is not about sex, it’s about connection. If you focus solely on the grand finale, you’ll miss the amazing range of feeling the rest of the show offers. You’ll be more sexually attuned with yourself and your partner, and less concerned with how it’s “supposed” to go. Orgasm is never the goal
connectivity
is.”

I’m nervous, I haven’t had sex of any kind with a woman since Pam and I were together. Once I began to study with her and Eric, I became so much more focused on getting myself under control, and I didn’t want to screw it up.

We start in her sumptuous bedroom. Candles are lit, no other lights are on, incense is burning and soft music is playing.

“All the senses should be incorporated to fully experience the moment. Sight,” she waves at the ambiance; “sound, smell,” she inhales deeply close to my chest; “taste,” she licks the skin on my neck; “and touch.”

We sit naked, face to face on the floor atop soft pillows. She places her legs over mine and wraps them around my waist. Our noses touch.

“Now, we breathe each other.”

She places her open lips directly in front of mine without touching. She begins to breathe, deeply and slowly into my mouth. We sync our rhythm, her inhale is my exhale, and mine is hers, and we maintain this as our eyes are connected. I’m uncomfortable at first, but the longer we hold our breath and gaze, the easier it becomes. We become one unit. A living, breathing organism each the host and the parasite, giving and taking, yin and yang.

It’s the most intimate activity I’ve ever experienced with another human being, and by far, the most pleasurable.

After ten minutes of breathing exercise, she takes my hands and places them against her chest. She maintains eye contact as she breathes with purpose so I can feel it. Avoiding her breasts, she lowers my hands down her torso, and settles beneath her belly. She breathes deeply once again and continues the path down to her pubic area. She breathes again and I feel heat radiating from her groin. It’s intense, and I get an erection. She keeps my hand in place, as she places hers on my shaft. No grabbing or pulling, she gently rubs the head back and forth with the soft pad of her thumb. She guides my hand to press against her opening, and I feel her wetness against my skin.

My arousal is full as she continues to lovingly massage it, slowly and purposefully. There is no rush, no end in sight. It’s just about the moment. By now I would have thrown her on her back, and have been finished in four strong pumps. Whenever I think back to those occasions, I feel like such an ignorant fool. The amount of pleasure I was wasting just trying to shoot a load as fast as possible is embarrassing. I couldn’t have cared less if the girl I was with was enjoying it in any way. I liked to lick pussy because it would get them ready faster and I could slip right in.

I only revisit those times in my head so that I can remember just how much I’ve learned. It’s no longer just about sex; it’s about finding that human connection that I’ll have for a lifetime. I’m ready. I’m
beyond
ready.