A Missing Heart (31 page)

A light glows through the privacy glass of the door, and I hear footsteps pounding down the steps. I almost get knocked out by the door flinging open as Cammy jumps out and into my arms without a word. Her legs are tangled around my waist and her arms loop around my neck. She rests her head on my shoulder, and all I smell is lavender or lilac. I always confuse the two, but she always smells like one of them. I’m still holding Gavin awkwardly, not wanting her to release her grip, and when she finally takes a breath, she sees Gavin and wraps her arm around him too, kissing him on the head. “Oh my goodness, you’ve gotten so big,” she says.

“I know, I’ve been hitting the gym a lot,” I say.

She tilts her head back with a tight-lipped smirk and then pulls herself back in, pressing her lips against my cheek. “God, I missed you,” she says.

“I was scared I’d get here, and you’d have some guy living with you,” I mutter in her ear.

“I was scared you’d show up with Tori,” she says just as quietly. I kept my divorce to myself, not wanting it to affect Cammy’s life or her decisions. It would alter the truth of what is or isn’t supposed to be. It was a little masochistic of me, but after all the lies and hidden truths I have lived through, I needed to find out what’s real in my life.

“Our divorce was finalized about a month ago,” I say, feeling like it’s still a little unreal.

Cammy slides down until her toes touch the ground. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s been a hard one to swallow, Cam. I’m thirty, and I’ve been divorced twice. It’s kind of embarrassing.”

She reaches up and places her hand on my cheek. “What’s embarrassing is sticking around when you’re not happy. We have one life, AJ, we might as well live it right.”

She takes my hand and pulls me inside, up the stairs and into her apartment. I’m not sure how I assumed her place would be decorated, but I guess it screams Cammy. Everything is tan and teal with white trim. It’s like a winter scene against a sunny sky. “Is Ever asleep?”

She smiles and exhales loudly. “She was a tough one to get to sleep tonight with her excitement in full gear, but I think she wore herself out.”

“So, she’s happy?”

“Happy doesn’t even come close to describing her joy.” Cammy is beaming, and all I want to do is kiss every inch of her face to share some of her happiness.

I lay Gavin down on the couch and Cammy picks him right back up, cradling the back of his head as she scoots him over her shoulder. I follow her as she walks down the short hallway and into a bedroom where a portable crib is set up. The scent of fresh linen wafts through the air, and she takes the draped blanket from a chair and tosses it over her other shoulder. I watch as she carefully places Gavin down in the crib and covers him with the small, light blanket. She presses her fingers up to her lips and touches them to his head. “Sleep tight, sweetie.” I’m in awe, watching her with him. She’s never taken care of a baby or a toddler, and yet it seems so natural. Seeing her treat Gavin in the same loving way I do makes my heart feel like it’s being wrapped in a blanket too. Cammy takes my hand and brings me across the hall into her bedroom. Closing the door softly, she leans her back up against it and closes her eyes. “I wasn’t sure we were going to get here, AJ.”

“Yeah,” I say through a breath.

“I feel like I’ve been running since the day Ever was born and it’s been this never-ending marathon until right this second. My life has felt so empty—like it’s been full of holes since I was eighteen. I tried so hard to fix it all. So hard. But everything I tried felt like nothing more than a flimsy band-aid. No relationship worked out until Casper, and that was nothing more than convenience. I got involved with him, because I had given up hope of anything better. I was going to settle, and it scared me so much. But almost as soon as I let my guard down, Ever showed up at the door.” She looks down toward the ground and wraps her loose hair around her fingers. “I’ve never been one to see the ‘signs’ of the universe, but Ever was more than a sign. She was drawn to my white flag that was surrendering me to any possibility of hope. She came to tell me not to give up, to hang in there just a little longer, and instantly, I realized that even if you were nowhere to be found, I had a piece of you back—her. Never did I think I would be lucky enough to find a piece of your life with a little room still left in it.”

“Holes,” I respond. “I don’t know of a better way to sum up my life since we were eighteen. My life has been full of holes. My heart was missing, and I didn’t know if I’d ever find it again.”

Cammy bites down on the knuckle of her forefinger and plops down on the bed. “I’ve had these dreams that you’d come here, and it would be like this perfect happily-ever-after situation, but I’ve convinced myself that too much has happened in your life and mine for something so cheesy to occur. I can assume you’re not ready to start anything new yet, and I would understand, but I really want to stick around and do this parenting thing by your side if you’ll let me. I want to move back to Connecticut and get a fresh start.”

I take a seat next to her on the bed, placing my hand on her knee. “In a perfect world, I’d come here and tell you I’m over what happened with Tori, but I’m not here to hook up with you, leave in the morning, and then maybe call you a week later.”

“Is that what you’ve been doing in your free time, AJ?” she asks, looking at up me with her beautiful, wondering eyes.

“Cam, the last thing on my mind is finding some random chick for a night. Plus, Gavin is starting to talk, and that kid would totally rat me out.” Cammy whacks me with the back of her hand before resting her head on my shoulder.

“Are you flirting with me?” I ask her.

“You would know if I was flirting with you,” she says. “I’m just taking the opportunity to be close to you.”

“What’s the difference?”

“The difference is: I’ve loved you since I was sixteen. I never stopped loving you, AJ. It’s not something you can turn on or off. It’s not about being labeled or intimate. I just want to be near you.”

Her words touch me in a way that’s never happened before. Not because they’re straight from her heart, but because it’s exactly how I’ve felt since the moment she walked out of my life. I was angry at her for blocking me out, and for so long I just wanted to hate her, but my heart would never allow that emotion to take over.

“I haven’t stopped loving you either, Cam. Not even for a second. Trying to replace you felt impossible, as I was always comparing every woman to you. You’re a tough one to compete with.”

She lifts her head from my chest and looks up at me through her thick, dark lashes. “Really?”

“Evidently, women don’t like hearing about ex-girlfriends. It’s a turn-off,” I say, smirking.

“Well, it’s a turn-on, when you
are
the ex-girlfriend.”

“Now,
those
are flirting words, whether you think so or not.”

“See, I told you, you’d know when I was flirting,” she says as the corners of her lips perk up.

She tilts her head to the side, letting all of her loose hair fall to her shoulder as she gently pinches her bottom lip between her teeth.

“So then, you know exactly what you’re doing to me right this second then?”

Her smile grows a little wider. “Maybe.”

My chest has never tightened so much at the thought of kissing a woman, not since we were kids, and I was just plain nervous back then that I didn’t know how to kiss, which I probably didn’t.

With contemplation swimming through my mind, I stare through her eyes, trying to read her every thought, but all I can focus on is the rise and fall of her chest, how fast it’s moving, compared to how fast my heart is beating.

I sweep my hand around her neck, combing my fingers up and around her ear, while embracing the softness of each strand of hair that slides over my fingers. The familiarity of touching her is like the sensation of coming home after being away for too long. Nothing else could possibly feel as right as I feel when I’m beside her.

“AJ,” she sighs.

“Cam?”

“Please don’t make me suffer,” she begs.

“Suffer?” I ask, coyly.

I move in a little closer, enjoying the quiver working its way through my body. Wetting my lips with the tip of my tongue, I feel her hand clench at my pant leg. Her cool, minty breaths are quick and breezing against my face while I take my sweet time making her suffer. With only an inch between us, I take her hand and place it over my heart. “This has been missing for so long, Cammy. It only beats like this for you. It has only ever beat like this for you.”

Her eyes close and her lashes gently feather out like a fan over her fair skin, a part I used to love to watch before I closed my eyes. I swallow hard enough that she can probably hear, and softly touch my lips to hers, holding them there for a brief moment. As if I were stepping into ice cold water, I need my body to adjust to the temperature. The sensation is overwhelming, and slow is the only way to move forward. With more firmness behind our connection, my grip tightens as I cup the back of her head in my hand, and my other arm wraps around her back. Holding her firmly against me, as if I were afraid of separating, I lose all sense of control. My lips can no longer be tamed and can no longer continue at a gentle, slow pace. I’m proving my longing, absence, need, want, desire, and everything in between. Our breaths are erratically harmonizing in a melodic fashion, and it’s easily one of the most beautiful sounds I’ve ever heard.

The sheets float around us like a light breeze; my mind has skipped the parts when our clothes disappeared, and there’s nothing between us except our hearts and souls.

I’ve heard when two people are meant to be together, the universe will create paths unbeknownst to the shallowness and bare capabilities of our minds, yet will work as a powerful force to reconnect what never should have been separated.

I believe we were always meant to be together, but we needed Ever and Gavin to make us who we are today, because these people we have become are what we needed to be to fit together as we were intended to be.

Feeling the need to enjoy every second of this moment with Cammy, I also have the desire to watch it all, memorize it, and keep it with me forever. My life tends to take sharp turns and I’ve failed to hold on in the past, but I refuse to make the same mistake again.

I run my hands up and down the length of her bare body as she moves in waves with her fingertips dug into the thick of my chest. Her head is back and her lips are slightly parted. Needing another view to add to this memory, I grip her by the sides and flip her to her back. My hands continue to roam free, touching every inch of her body as my lips follow in the trails. Everything between us as teenagers was innocent and filled with an exciting fear of committing to the action in itself, but now, it’s filled with love, lust, and a commitment to please her more than anyone else has ever pleased her.

Tracing my tongue over her breast and around her nipple, her body jerks harder against me, and her fingernails leave sharper imprints in my skin. Her cries become audible, and her lips part wider, proving a lack of control. As her muscles tighten beneath my grip, I drop my head toward her neck and nip at her ear before dragging my tongue from her lobe to her collar bone. “Only you,” she cries. “My God, AJ.”

I reach beneath her back, sliding my hands down to her ass and grip firmly to hold her against me with more force, finding a way to deepen our connection. The pressure triggers her to come undone through the mixture of moans and cries, and she releases the strength of her muscles, falling heavily into my arms with erratic breaths. The warmth of our connection flows from me to her as I fall beside her on the bed. “It was never like that before,” I rasp in her ear.

“This is why we waited,” she laughs softly. “A woman making love with a man is a much different experience than two teenagers breaking some rules.” Cammy presses her face against the side of my neck, and I feel her smile stretch against my overly sensitive skin. “All good things are worth waiting for.”

“I would have waited forever for this—for you,” I sigh, letting my head fall deeper into the pillow. “So, since we started as teenagers, it’s only appropriate for me to assume we’re boyfriend and girlfriend now that we’ve slept together,” I tell her.

She turns onto her side and sweeps the palm of her hand against my cheek. “I thought you’d never ask me again.”

“One condition, Cameron,” I tell her.

“Yes, Andrew,” she laments.

“Don’t you ever leave me again,” I tell her softly, as I wrap my arms around her.

“I couldn’t put myself through that another time,” she says, warmly. “But can I ask you something?”

“Anything,” I tell her.

She traces her finger over my chest—my heart. “When did you get this tattoo?”

“The week I turned eighteen,” I tell her.

“Ever’s birthmark,” she says quietly—knowingly.

“It was the only way to cover up my broken pieces.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

I’M NOT SURE
how much we slept or didn’t sleep but we woke up an hour ago, and now we’re watching the sun rise through the side window while we quietly sip on coffee. “I almost never wake up before Gavin,” I tell her. “But there’s something about the quiet that’s an encouragement to get up before the sun.”