A Midsummer Tight's Dream (25 page)

Phil shouted, “Come on, Charlie, put her down.”

Charlie said, “See you next term, gorgeous.”

In my squirrel room, on the last night before I leave for Cousin Georgia’s for half term. Wow. Just when you think nothing will ever happen, everything happens at once. I’ll just add all this to my diary …

There was a thud at my window.

I crept over and looked down. I couldn’t see anyone there.

I opened my window and looked out.

Then from the dark, a voice said softly, “Ay up, Southern lass—av I woken thee up? I bet I av. I’ve left summat for thee.”

I whispered, “What’s that?”

But there was no reply.

I pulled my dressing gown on and crept downstairs quietly, trying not to make the wooden stairs creak. It was pitch-black but I felt around and found Dibdobs’s emergency torch by the door. In its knitted torch-holder.

I unlatched the door and crept out in my slippers. The wind was moaning amongst the trees. I pulled my dressing gown tight around me against the bitter cold. The beam of the torch made a pool of light before me.

I went down the side path to just under my window and flashed my torch about. The beam illuminated a knife, stuck into a tree trunk.

Ooooh. This was creepy.

I said, “Cain, Cain, stop this now, it’s not funny.”

But there was no reply.

I went and looked at the knife. It was stuck through an envelope.

Back in my squirrel bed, with the owls hooting and the wind rattling the windowpane, I opened the envelope.

There, in thick untidy writing, it read:

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind

And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.

Underneath in barely legible handwriting it said:

I know tha likes this sort of thing.

See thee later.

On the train home to Georgia’s, I thought, this time I’ve got something to tell her and the Ace Gang.

I’ve done nose-licking and other dark things … Things that I will never tell another soul about as long as I live.

But I’m not going to think about the bad things, because from now on I will only go for the good.

Like Charlie calling me gorgeous.

And a naturally cracking kisser.

And saying that I was lovely.

Perhaps I just dreamed the dark bits? Perhaps they never really happened.

As the train pulled away from the station, a dark-coated figure was standing by the
Skipley Home of the West Riding Botty
sign.

He turned and winked to me as my carriage passed.

It was Cain.

barm pot

A fruitcake. If you say, “You barm pot” it’s not like saying, “You loonie”; it’s more sort of affectionate.

Like saying: “Oooh, you slight idiot.”

bejesus

This is from Hiddly Diddly land (Oireland). It’s a not-too-naughty swear. Like “Oh my word, you caught me on the knee with that hockey ball.”

Or, gadzooks.

Is that any help?

No, I thought not.

Borstal

Is a place for very bad yoof. Like a young person’s prison. Woolfe Academy is sort of like Borstal, only the yoof (mostly Charlie, Jack, and Phil) are allowed out now and again to go on cross-country hops.

The hope is that this will make them stop being naughty and get a job in a bank.

This is the hope.

The Brontë sisters

Em, Chazza, and Anne. They lived in Haworth in Yorkshire in … er … well, a while ago. And they wrote
Wuthering Heights
,
Jane Eyre
, and loads of other stuff about terrible weather conditions and moaning. But in a good way.

corkers

Another word for girls’ jiggly bits.

Also known as norkers.

Honkers, etc.

Cousin Georgia calls them “nunga-nungas.”

She says because when you pull them out like an elastic band, they go nunga-nunga-nunga.

I will be the last to know whether this is true or not.

corker holders

Something to hold the corkers pert and not too jiggly.

A bra.

Mr. Darcy (and Mrs. Rochester)

Two characters well known for their sense of fun. Not.

Mr. Darcy was in
Pride and Prejudice
and at first he was all snooty and huffy; then he fell in a lake and came out with his shirt all wet. And then we all loved him. In a swoony way.

Mrs. Rochester was Mr. Rochester’s secret wife in
Jane Eyre
that he kept in a cupboard upstairs. She was mad as a snake and would only wear her nightie.

In the end it all finished happily because she set fire to the house, went up on the roof for a bit of a dance about, and tripped over her nightie and fell to her death.

Leaving Mr. Rochester blind.

This is one of Em, Chazza, and Anne’s more comic novels.

gogglers

Eyes.

To goggle is to look at stuff.

If you couldn’t see anything then you would need gogs.

golden slippers of applause

Sidone, the revered and possibly mentally unstable principal of Dother Hall, has her own unique view of the world.

Especially the showbiz world.

In this world she is obsessed by feet.

So her opposite of the “golden slippers of applause” is “the bleeding feet of rejection.”

Heathcliff

The “hero” of
Wuthering Heights
. Although no one knows why.

He’s mean, moody, and possibly a bit on the pongy side.

Cathy loves him, though. She shows this by viciously rejecting him and marrying someone else for a laugh. Still, that is true love on the moors for you.

heavens to Betsy

An expression of astonishment like …

“Gosh!”

Or, “Crikey!”

Or, as they say in Yorkshire:

“Well, I’ll go to the top of our stairs!”

I know it makes little sense but believe me it’s best not to argue about these things with Yorkshire folk. Or they will very likely get a cob on.

hiddly diddly diddly

The sound of all Irish songs (and dances). It fits them all.

Try it.

human glue

Aaaaah, this is the mysterious thing that happens when two people kiss and there is a sort of “uuuummphhh” moment because they both like it so much. And after that, it’s like they have magnetic lips that glue themselves to each other.

I thought that Cousin Georgia had told me about it but actually I think I made it up.

Which probably makes me a genius.

Or an idiot.

laiking around

This means larking about. Or playing.

It sounds quite fun, doesn’t it?

But it isn’t.

Especially not if it is Cain, the Dark Rusty Crow of Heckmondwhite, who is laiking around.

You don’t want Cain to “laik around” with you.

Unless you like ending up sitting in the village stream in your best dress and then having to go to bed crying for two weeks.

lawks-a-mercy

“Crikey” but longer.

lollipop lady

We have ladies who help children cross roads after school. They wear yellow coats and have big sticks with a round disc on the top that says STOP! To stop the cars whilst the children cross the road.

The stick with the round stop thing looks like a lollipop.

If you normally eat six-foot lollipops.

mardy bum

“Mardy” means stroppy. Being a spoiled brat.

You know, stomping around yelling, “It’s all about me, dahling, me!!!! Shut up, everyone, I’m talking!! Look at my lovely shoes! Hurrah, it’s me again!!”

Someone who is so bad-tempered and “mardy” that even their bottom is annoyed.

Like Beverley when she found out that although she was engaged to Cain (she bought her own ring), he had two other girlfriends.

Which is why she flung herself in the river.

And ruined her dress because the river was only two inches deep.

Mummers play

Not a mummy’s play, which is what I thought at first. Because a mummy’s play would be quite dull. People all wrapped up in bandages and dead.

No, centuries ago when people didn’t have anything to do and it got dark at three in the afternoon (and that was in summer) they had to make their own “fun.”

They had loads of sheep and woad (blue dye) so Ethelred the Unready or someone said, “Lawks it is boring eth what can we do eth? I know eth lettus dye ourselves blue and go eth to ye local pub and bang people over the heads with these sheep bladders. Oh how they will eth laugh. It will be a hoot eth.”

And so we have been pretending to be them (the “mummers”) for the last 800 years.

nobbliness

I’m on firmer ground here.

Nobbly bits are usually bony bits that look, well, nobbly.

I have loads of it.

In the knee area.

Northern grit

Umph and determination. If you say to a Northern person:

“Don’t go out in that storm, you barm pot. The rain is coming down so hard you will be reduced to half your height.”

The Northerner would say:

“What rain?”

And go out in his underpants.

plectrum

Surely you know what a plectrum is? How do you pluck your guitars in America? And I know you do pluck a lot of guitars because I’ve seen old repeats of
Bonanza
and
Dallas
.

But I will explain … it’s that bit of plastic stuff that you hold in your fingers to stroke the strings so that you don’t chip your nail polish.

sjuuuge

When toddlers don’t have many teeth (or brains) they can’t say words properly. So this means “huge.”

Either that or they do know how to say “huge” and are just being annoying.

Maybe toddlers can really secretly talk from birth.

I bet they can read as well.

They are just having a laugh.

And being lazy.

snogging scale

Cousin Georgia has a snogging scale from one to ten.

She told me about it when I visited her last holidays. I think it starts with “holding hands” and goes on getting, you know, more snoggy. Until Number 10, whatever that is. I don’t really remember much after “tongues,” which I think was 5.

I must ask her to write it down for me when I next see her.

splice the mainbrace

A bit like “Swab the poop deck!”