A Merry Heart (28 page)

“Pappy, are you awake?”

“Jah, Mary Ellen. Come in.”

As the child entered his room, the hem of her long white nightgown swished across the hardwood floor. “I miss Mama Mim, and I couldn’t sleep for worryin’ about her.”

He patted the patchwork quilt that covered his bed. “Lie down here awhile, and I’ll take you back to your room after you’re asleep.”

“Really, Pappy? You wouldn’t mind?”

He smiled and stretched his hand out to her. “Not at all. I would enjoy your company.”

Mary Ellen settled herself against the pillows and released
a sigh. “I wonder if Mama Mim’s lonely there at the hospital without us.”

“I’ll bet she’s as eager to come home as you are to have her back.”

“How about you, Pappy? Aren’t you lookin’ forward to her comin’ home?”

“Jah. Things haven’t been the same around here without Miriam,” he answered honestly. The truth was, Amos missed his wife more than he cared to admit, and if nothing but friendship ever grew between them, he knew he would always love her.

“If Mama Mim stays away much longer, I’m afraid the kinner at school will start makin’ fun of my lunches again.”

His eyebrows shot up. “What’s wrong with your lunches? Aren’t you getting enough to eat?”

“I get plenty. It’s just that the lunches you make aren’t near as tasty as what Mama Mim puts together for me.”

Amos couldn’t argue with that. He’d been the recipient of Miriam’s lunches himself, and she had always fixed flavorful, healthy fare that would please any man’s palate. “I’ll try harder to make you better lunches,” he said, gently squeezing the child’s arm.

“That’s fine, but will Mama Mim be comin’ home soon?”

“Tomorrow, if the doctor says it’s okay.”

“Oh, I’m so glad!” Mary Ellen closed her eyes. “Gut nacht, Pappy.”

“Good night, daughter of mine.”

Miriam awoke the following morning, knowing it was the
day she would be leaving the hospital. She was anxious to go home but felt confused as she continued to ponder the strange, frightening dream about Amos that she’d had the night before.

She could feel the beginning of another headache coming on, and her hands trembled. “What’s wrong with me, Lord?” she cried, turning her head into the pillow and giving in to the threatening tears despite her desire to remain in control of her emotions.

Finally, when Miriam had cried until no more tears would come, she dried her eyes and sat up. Amos would be here soon, and she didn’t want him to know she’d been crying.

Miriam was dressed and sitting on the edge of her bed, reading the Bible she’d found in the drawer of her bedside table, when Amos entered the room carrying a pot of purple pansies. He took a seat next to her on the bed, and she self-consciously averted his gaze, knowing she must look a sight. Her eyes were swollen and sore from loosing pent-up emotions that had been long overdue for release.

“Miriam, these are for you.” Amos placed the flowers on the nightstand beside her bed.

“Danki. They’re beautiful.”

“Before we go, I want to discuss something with you,” he said in a most serious tone.

Miriam forced herself to look into his eyes. “Oh?”

With a hesitant look, Amos reached for her hand, and he smiled when she didn’t pull away from him. “I–I’ve been wondering if you’ve thought about what I said to you the other day.”

“What day was that?”

“The day of the accident—right before I left to get you some help.” Amos cleared his throat. “I–I’ve been wanting to tell you the truth for some time, but I didn’t know how to say it, and I wasn’t sure you would believe me or how you would take it.”

“The truth about what?”

“The way I feel about you. Until the day of your accident, I was afraid to say anything. But when I saw your buggy toppled over on the side of the road, I was scared I might lose you, so I blurted out the truth—that I love you and have ever since we were kinner.”

Miriam gasped. “I do remember hearing those words, but I thought I had only dreamed them, and I wasn’t sure who had spoken the words to me.” A film of tears obscured her vision as she stared at his somber face. “I had no idea you cared for me when we were kinner, Amos.”

“How could you know when William never kept his word?”

“William? What’s William got to do with this?”

“He knew I cared for you and that I was too shy to say anything. When I gave him some pansies to give to you, he promised he would put in a good word for me.”

“You—you were going to give me flowers?”

“Jah.” Amos groaned. “William, my so-called friend, let you think the pansies had come from him, and he never said a word on my behalf.”

Miriam opened her mouth, then closed it again. She could hardly believe William would have done something so deceitful. But then he had led her to believe he loved her and wanted to make her his wife, only to run off to Ohio
and marry someone else. “Amos, I—I don’t know what to say,” she stammered.

He placed one finger against her lips. “It’s all right. You don’t have to say anything. I know you don’t return my feelings, but I had to tell you anyhow. When I saw you injured, I was afraid that I’d never have the chance to tell you what I would have told you years ago if I hadn’t been so shy.”

“You must have gotten over your shyness,” Miriam pointed out. “Otherwise, you wouldn’t have asked Ruth to marry you.”

He nodded. “That’s true. I did.”

“Did you love her, Amos?” Miriam hated to think that Amos had married another woman while he was still in love with her.

“Jah, I loved her,” he said in a voice barely above a whisper. “But not in the same way I’ve always loved you.”

She stared down at her hands clenched tightly in her lap. “I—I don’t see how you could love me when I’ve had such a bitter spirit. I’ve wasted a lot of time feeling sorry for myself because of William, and I’m afraid it’s made me anything but lovable.”

“I saw the old Miriam—the one I fell in love with when I was a boy.” Amos took both her hands and pressed them gently against his lips. “Knowing the woman you were capable of being kept me loving you.”

Miriam couldn’t speak around the lump lodged in her throat.

“Are you angry with me for speaking the truth?”

“No, Amos, I’m not angry. I only wish that—”

“It’s all right. I need you, Miriam, and so does Mary
Ellen, but I’ve asked God to help me be patient, and if He wants us to be together as man and wife, then He will soften your heart toward me.”

Miriam swallowed hard. “God is dealing with me, Amos, but I’m not ready to make a confession of love yet.”

“I understand.”

“No, I don’t believe you do understand. Real love means a yielding of the heart to another person. It means commitment, loyalty, and trust. Since William’s betrayal, it’s been difficult for me to trust a man—or even God. My heart’s been filled with bitterness because of William’s betrayal.”

Amos nodded. “I know, but you’ve kept your promise and not let it show to Mary Ellen. I thank you for that.”

She sniffed. “I really do love her, Amos.”

“Jah, I can tell. I also know that you and your family have been through a lot over the last few years. You’ve suffered a great hurt losing your daed, and then Rebekah’s accident happened not long after that.”

“Everyone in the family seems to have dealt with these things. Everyone—except for me.” She leaned her head against Amos’s shoulder and released a shuddering sob.

Amos lifted her chin and looked into her eyes with such love and compassion that she felt as if she could melt into his arms. “I understand your pain, Miriam. When Ruth died, I felt as if my world had been shattered. I even felt betrayed by Ruth for leaving me alone to raise our child. I blamed God for taking her. I was bitter and angry, and I didn’t know if I could trust Him anymore. But I was reminded that His Word says, ‘I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.’ I clung to the promise of that scripture verse,
and one day I woke up and realized how much Mary Ellen needed me, and that I needed her.”

Amos slipped his arm around Miriam’s shoulders. “Life goes on, whether our hearts are filled with bitterness or love. Each of us must make the choice. We either choose to love, or we choose to harbor bitter, angry feelings. Hatred, anger, and bitterness are negative feelings that can make us ill. That’s why the Bible says, ‘A merry heart—’ ”

“ ‘Doeth good like a medicine,’ ” Miriam said, completing the verse. “Mom has quoted that passage of scripture to me many times. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’ve chosen to ignore God’s desire for my heart. Lying here in the hospital these past few days has given me time to think and pray. I want to yield to God’s will, but I’m not sure I can. I’m afraid of failing and never finding happiness.”

Amos ran his finger down Miriam’s cheek, tracing a pattern where her tears had fallen. “I’m afraid, too, Miriam—afraid of being happy again. But I do love you, and I want to make you feel happy and loved, as well. I want you to be my wife in every way. I want us to have kinner and raise them in a way so they’ll come to know God and trust in His Son as their Savior. I want our family to be full of God’s love.”

Miriam gulped on a sob. “I—I want those things, too, but I’m not sure I’m ready to have any kinner with you.”

“I understand.”

“Earlier this morning, I was reading in the Bible, and John 5:42 caught my attention. It said: ‘But I know you, that ye have not the love of God in you.’ That verse hit close to home, because I don’t have God’s love in my heart. You see, I’ve never completely yielded to Him—not even when
I was baptized and taken into church membership. I did it because it was expected of me, not because I truly had faith in God or His Son, Jesus.”

She paused and drew in a shaky breath. “I–I’ve struggled and tried to do things on my own far too long, and I know that I need God’s love in my heart in order to find peace and happiness for my troubled soul.”

“If you’d like to speak to Him about that now, I’ll sit here quietly with you.”

Miriam nodded and bowed her head. “Heavenly Father, forgive me for the hate and bitterness I’ve allowed to take over my heart. I thank You for sending Jesus to die for my sins. I accept His gift of forgiveness right now. Amen.”

When Miriam finished praying, she opened her eyes and looked at Amos. He smiled, but she noticed tears in his eyes, which let her know he must have felt the emotion of the moment as much as she had. He blinked, and as the wateriness cleared, his lips lifted in a smile that warmed the last frozen place in her heart. “What God doeth is well done,” he murmured.

It was then that a new realization came to Miriam. Amos wasn’t William Graber or Nick McCormick. He was a kind, caring man, and he loved her. She knew without reservation that with God’s help, her yielded heart could now become a loving heart.

M
iriam took a seat at the kitchen table and took a bite of the scrambled eggs Amos had set before her. For the first time in a long while, she actually enjoyed eating. Her whole world had taken on a special glow. She felt like a freed prisoner must feel after years of confinement.

“Danki for fixing breakfast,” she said as Amos took a seat beside Mary Ellen, who sat across the table from her. “You shouldn’t have let me sleep so long. I’m perfectly capable of cooking, you know.”

Amos grinned. “I rather enjoyed fixing the eggs. I haven’t done much in the kitchen since we got married. Besides, I want you to get as much rest as possible for the next few days. The doctor’s orders, you know.”

Miriam smiled in return. “These eggs are
appeditlich
. My compliments to the cook on their delicious flavor.”

“Can we have pancakes tomorrow, Pappy?” Mary Ellen asked. “Pancakes with maple syrup are my favorite thing for breakfast, and since tomorrow’s an off-Sunday and there’s no preaching, we’ll have plenty of time to make pancakes.”

Amos laughed. “We’ll see, Mary Ellen.”

When breakfast was over, Amos excused himself to go outside and finish the morning chores, reminding Miriam not to do anything strenuous.

“I won’t,” she promised as she took a seat at the table and opened her Bible. Having decided to have a personal time with God each day, she turned to 1 John, chapter 4: “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.”

Miriam was glad she’d decided to quit fearing love and stop trying to be in control of everything. She could love and be loved in return. She had nothing to fear anymore because she had God’s love, as well as Amos’s. The storm that had caused her buggy accident might have battered her body, but the storm that had been in her soul for too long had battered her heart. She had sought God’s forgiveness and found the peace that only He could give.

Miriam turned the pages in her Bible and read from Philippians, chapter 4, which said, “Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice.” Further down the page, she read verse 8: “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”