A Matter of Heart (37 page)

“I ran into . . . a friend
of his,” she says. “This friend, uh, said that they’d had a fight, and I
thought maybe I’d try to find him. You know, be a good pal and help patch
things up between them.”

She means Sophie. And that
just infuriates me to no end.

Kellan pulls his head away
from the phone and brushes his mouth against my other ear. “Hang up.”

So I do. It’s utterly
childish, but I hang up on Lizzie. Kellan takes the phone from me, turns it
off, and tosses it on the chair across from the couch. Then he looks at me,
like I’m the most important thing in his universe, and there is no more room
for anger. Not here, not between us, not when we’re finally together.

His hand runs lightly down
my side, and I shiver. “Should I stop?” he asks, voice low and husky.

Should he? More like, should
we
. And the right answer is yes.

But, he’s mine
.
All
mine. I love him, and he loves me. He wants me just as much as I want him.
We’re Connected, and I’ve fought so long against what I really have no control
over. I just don’t know if I have it in me to fight this any further, at least
tonight. And as crazy as it is to think, I know my feelings for Kellan in no
way diminish what I feel towards Jonah.

It’s completely screwed up,
but it’s the truth.

I don’t answer him. Instead,
we kiss until I almost can’t breathe anymore. Even now, I can’t stop. It’s
nearly impossible to do anything but kiss him, taste him, feel him.

He surges into my mind, and
I know why. He wants to make sure that I’m not seeing this,
him
as a
mistake. He’s probably worrying that I’m doing this just to make him happy.
It’s frustrating, because he’s got to have figured out that I need him, want
him so much that I’ve been going insane. So, I let him see it all, see that I
have no doubts.

Once he does, he attempts to
slide back out of my mind, but I shake my head just the slightest bit enough
that he hesitates, confused. And I don’t know why, but I choose to try to surge
into his mind, too.

The first time we’d
attempted this, over a year ago, we’d failed. My mind hadn’t been able to
penetrate his, even though I tried several times. But that was before today. I
pull at him, insisting he come closer. He doesn’t resist at all, his knee
between my legs, his chest pressed against mine. And then the unthinkable
happens.

Our
minds merge.

Kellan is asleep behind me,
his arms wrapped tightly around my chest. His breath is steady and deep against
the back of my neck, a reassuring presence. I’ve only just woken up, and
despite the lack of sleep, I’m not confused by what’s happened at all.

This is Kellan behind me.
Not Jonah.

I’m not confused by any
means. I am, instead, stunned. Because now, in the daylight, I’m fully aware of
what’s happened between us.

We did not have sex, but we
came perilously close. To top it off, our minds and souls had merged.

Karl and Iolani, even Jonah,
had told me that such a feat was only possible to do with a singular person,
just the exact perfect person for you. Your Connection. Most Magicals never got
this experience, never come close to finding the person to do this with.

Yet I had. I’ve done this
numerous times with Jonah. It’s bonded us in ways that have deepened the
feelings we have for each other, strengthened our Connection to the point that
it’s invincible. Connecting our minds and souls together has made Jonah so much
more mine than the mere Connection bonding us together.

And now, with Kellan . . .

How is this possible, I
whisper in my mind to Caleb.

He’s just as confused as me.
I have no idea.
I sense his sigh.
You know what this means, correct?

The ugly truth hits me. I
cheated on Jonah. I can’t even—

Caleb offers me a sour
I
told you
so before going silent.

My eyes flick to the clock
on the DVD player—it’s nearly ten thirty in the morning. Luckily it’s a
Saturday, so neither of us had inadvertently missed any classes by sleeping in.

Kellan’s arm moves slowly, a
reflex of his sleep, but it causes my heart to race once more. My whole body
tingles in delicious, violent ways just being in such close proximity to him.
Which is terrifying.

Because I just cheated on
Jonah. And this is not okay.

I try, for the slightest
moment, to imagine discovering Jonah doing what I’ve done with someone other
than me, and it’s utterly unthinkable, unfathomable. Rage flashes hot and hard
at even at the mere suggestion of it in my mind.

I am
so
messed up.

And then, I try to picture
Kellan doing the same thing with Sophie. The same fury pulses in me,
instantaneous and all consuming.

Oh gods.

When Jonah finds out…

I can’t let myself think
about it. I just can’t. Because even though I’m lying in his brother’s arms, I
cannot comprehend what would happen if I were to lose Jonah. I just . . .
can’t.

He’s everything to me. But
then, so is Kellan. Even though I’ve tried for so long to convince myself he
isn’t.

I have no idea what I’m
going to do. Sex, maybe, is one thing. Jonah might . . . well, I don’t know if
he’d forgive sex, even though sex is something you can do with just about
anyone, if you wanted to. But merging minds together—that’s not something you
can do with just any person. It’s special. It’s a bond between people who are
meant to be together. If he was to find out I’d done this, me, my idea, and
with his brother, no less . . .

Faced with losing everything
is enough to drive me into lip chewing mode. After about five minutes of
fretting, I manage to work myself up into a full mental frenzy.

Because of my selfishness:

I’ve set me and Kellan back
from whatever progress we’d made this year.

I’ve destroyed his chances
of a potentially workable relationship with Sophie.

I’ve overlooked my
commitment with Jonah, the one that I’d rather die than ever let go of.

I’ve betrayed both of their
trusts so badly that I can’t be sure whether I’ll be able to look in the mirror
again.

I love Jonah. I’m wildly,
absolutely in love with him. He completes me in ways I never thought possible.
He’s my very best friend, my confidant, the love of my life, the person who
only has to enter a room to make me feel like I’m the luckiest girl in the
universe. I struggle going two hours without seeing him.

I’d literally fallen apart
when he’d simply kissed Callie the year before. Became
catatonic.
Seeing
Kellan with Sophie . . .

That was before you merged.
Things will be different now,
Caleb warns, back for this
last dig.

Kellan stirs, his head
shifting. I slide down a little in his arms so I can turn around and face him.

Breathe, Chloe.
Breathe
.

His hair is disheveled,
shooting off in several directions. Still, it’s utterly adorable and unbearably
sexy. I smooth a few pieces down before he peeps an eye open through dark
lashes. Confusion shines out for the briefest of seconds before it melts into
contentment. My heart shudders with so much joy that I fear it might burst
again.

How can somebody be so
terrified, guilty, and blissful all at once?

“Hey there.” I pray my
morning breath isn’t repulsive.

He doesn’t seem to mind,
since he gifts me with that half-grin I adore. “Sleep okay?”

I nod. If only I could still
be sleeping.

He kisses the tip of my
nose. “Me, too.”

I can’t help but ask, “Even
on this tiny couch?”

Two more kisses, pressed
against my cheeks. “I’ve never, ever slept so well as I did last night.”

My heart flip-flops, making
me worry it might just jump straight out of my chest. He feels this, because
one of his hands slides down and stops over my heart. Then he slides his ear
down so he can listen to the rhythm in my chest for a few moments.

I’m not sure what to
do—laugh at being caught so affected by him? Shrug it off and say that this is
normal?

After awhile, he takes one
of my hands and places it against his heart. It’s moving in tandem with mine,
irregular jumps and all.

Crazy, crazy, how can this
be?

He brings his head back up
next to mine, staring directly into my eyes. My breath catches in anticipation,
and that beautiful flash of heat and tingling roars through me once more.

He kisses me very, very
gently. Our lips and tongues come together over and over, the soft sound barely
discernible in the silence of the apartment. It’s like I’m addicted to him,
that I just can’t get enough. Even now, in the morning, he still tastes
wonderful, enough to make me want to come back again and again so that his
flavor never leaves my mouth for longer than a split second.

After a long kissing
session, he pulls back, smoothing my hair down. His little half-grin is back,
making it so that, if I were standing, I’d probably drop like a rock due to
weak knees.

“What are you thinking?” I
rub my hand against the morning stubble decorating his chin.

“I am thinking that I cannot
believe I am here with you right now,” he admits in an extremely low, alluring
voice.

I have no doubt why women
fall at this guy’s feet, why they’re all crazy about him. He is so amazingly
sexy.

“I know, I know,” I admit.
“This is crazy.” Wrong. And yet . . . right?

“Absolutely,” he agrees,
grinning. “Insane.”

“Are you upset this
happened?” I whisper, tracing his jaw line down to his neck with a finger.

He studies me for a long
moment. “It’s okay to feel conflicted right now. I’m conflicted, too. But I
need to tell you this.” His eyes hold me still, his words soft against my
conscience. “The last thing I am right now is upset. Do you understand me?”

I trace his collarbone all
the way across his chest. He shivers, despite the apartment not being chilly in
the least.

And now it’s his turn for
his cell phone to ring. When he makes no move to answer it, I murmur, “Aren’t
you going to answer that?”

He hesitates, but eventually
sighs, holding a hand out. I reach over and grab his phone off the coffee
table. And a huge bucket of ice water crashes down over me, because, it’s Jonah
calling.

I drop the phone on his
chest, my hand is shaking so hard.

Kellan sees my terror; his
own hand trembles when he picks up the phone. He squeezes his eye shut briefly
before taking a deep breath. When he answers the phone, he sounds like his
normal self, not somebody who has been making out with his brother’s fiancée.
Only his hand gives anything away. “Hey, J.”

I am unable to move,
immobilized in fear. Oh gods, oh gods, what if . . .?

“Oh, sorry about that,”
Kellan is saying calmly, “I had a lot on my mind. Kinda needed radio silence,
if you know what I mean?”

I have no idea what to do. I
AM THE WORST PERSON TO EVER LIVE.

“Oh, uh . . . actually, I’m
at Chloe’s right now . . . we’ve been . . .” He closes his eyes again. “Talking
about what happened.” I marvel in a weird mix of dismay and admiration at how
he can make these words the truth and yet a lie, too. “I think her phone’s off;
maybe that’s why you couldn’t get through.”

Kellan holds the phone out
to me; I can’t take it. I’m too damned scared. “It’s Jonah,” he says, as if I
already don’t know. When I leave the phone dangling, he places a hand gently on
my head; courage I didn’t have before blooms, small as it is. I take the phone,
hands shaking harder than before.

What do I do? What should I
say? How can I ever, EVER explain any of this? Jonah’s name breaks apart as it
falls out of my mouth.

Static hisses over the line.
“Chloe, it is
so
good to hear your voice right now. I was really worried
when I couldn’t get through to you or my brother.”

I am an awful, horrible,
evil person. I don’t deserve his worry. His love. I close my eyes and fervently
pray I’ll wake up from this nightmare of my own making. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s just, I usually can
get ahold of one of you, especially Kellan, you know? I had this brief,
fleeting panic that maybe the Elders had tracked you down once more.” He
laughs, like he’s somehow to blame. “It figures that once I actually get a cell
signal, I can’t actually get ahold of either of you.”

Kellan lays his head back
down against the couch, watching me intently as I flounder on the phone.

I hate lying to Jonah. We
never lie to one another. But if I don’t lie, I’ll lose him. I can’t lose him.
I can’t.

I can’t.

“I’m sorry . . . my phone
got turned off last night,” I whisper.

“Chloe, honey, you’re
cutting out on me,” Jonah says, static filling my ear from his end. He’s right.
My self-respect is cutting out big time.