A Matter of Duty (23 page)

The earl stood by the doorway, looking on with reluctant admiration. By God, the creature was a superb actress. She missed her vocation by not going on the stage. Her tears seemed so real that no one could know they were false.

At last Lady Grantham coaxed Thea from the chair and, putting a soothing arm around her shoulder, led her from the room. The men in the taproom parted to allow the two women through, and a moment later the Grantham barouche had been brought to the door and was conveying Thea away.

The earl went slowly into the parlor, closing the door behind him as a buzz of conversation broke out in the taproom. Kit looked up. ‘Grandfather?’

‘Do you really intend to foist that – that strumpet on Highclare?’

Kit seemed puzzled. ‘I beg your pardon?’

‘I don’t recollect your hearing to be in any way impaired, Christopher. I asked you if you meant to bring that crocodile-teared creature to Highclare.’

Kit’s eyes cleared then. ‘There was nothing crocodile about her tears, Grandfather; they were real enough, I promise you.’

‘Am I supposed to believe she’s grieving for that maggot Rowe?’

‘No.’

‘Then what exactly are you saying?’

Kit smiled at him. ‘Let me put it this way, what is it that you’d like to hear me say more than anything else? What is it that you’ve been conniving at for the past few days?’

The earl stared at him, and then a slow smile broke out on his delighted face.

L
ouisa’s carriage was almost at Highclare It had passed through the gates and was driving up toward the house. Since leaving Cowes, she’d striven to hold her tears at bay, because she’d now have to face Newton and possibly some of the other servants. She’d left the carriage blinds down, for it was somehow easier when she knew no one could see her. She sat with her eyes downcast. How could she ever have hoped to win? She’d foolishly dreamed of playing invisible trumps and emerging the victor, but everything had been stacked against her all the time. Governesses didn’t win the hearts of lords like Kit, and she’d been the ultimate fool, reaching out toward the flame only to burn herself very badly indeed.

The carriage drew to a halt below the terrace and she alighted, instructing the coachman to return to Cowes and then hurrying up the steps. Newton, having perceived the carriage’s approach, opened the door quickly. Hengist and Horsa bounded out to greet her, and she paused for a moment to fuss them before going into the entrance hall. She hoped she appeared collected as she faced the butler. ‘Would you tell Pattie to go to my suite and pack my things. I shall be leaving Highclare today and I won’t be returning.’

He was totally taken aback. ‘L-leaving, my lady?’

‘Yes.’ She’d already decided what she was going to do in the meantime in order to avoid curious eyes. ‘If I’m needed at all, you’ll find me on the roof.’ She didn’t wait for him to say anything else, but gathered her skirt to go up the stairs.

The astonished butler remained where he was for a moment, watching as Hengist and Horsa trotted up behind her, then he returned to the kitchens to break the news to Pattie.

The gazebo’s French windows were closed, and the sunlight streaming unchecked in through the glass made the little building as hot as a greenhouse. She stepped out onto the roof promenade, taking a deep breath of the cool, fresh air. Hengist and Horsa padded beside her, seeming determined to keep her company. She stood by the stone balustrade, looking across the park and the Solent toward the mainland. From up here it was possible to see for miles.

Impulsively she untied her gypsy hat and took it off. The breeze felt good on her face, and after a moment’s hesitation, she reached up to unpin her hair, shaking the dark-red curls so that they fell heavily about her shoulders: She was still very close to tears, but could hold them back, as if she’d found some inner strength to carry her through this last part of her ordeal.

Hengist and Horsa sprawled beside her in companionable silence, almost as if they understood how she was feeling. She stared at the magnificent view without really seeing it. It seemed a lifetime now since she’d been a governess at Lawrence Park, with no prospect of ever being anything else. The highlights of that existence had been her occasional meetings with Tom, but those meetings had been very few and far between. She’d seen so little of him over the past year that sometimes she still couldn’t believe that he’d gone forever; it was as if she’d suddenly receive one of his hastily scribbled notes asking when they could next meet in Brentford. She’d never receive such a note again, but her existence was soon to return to what it had been before, provided she could find a position. She’d spoken bravely enough to the earl, but would anyone really wish to employ a woman who’d be talked of as a discarded adventuress? What hope did she really have of finding respectable employment?

Suddenly her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of drumming hooves. A horseman was riding swiftly toward the house. It was Kit, she recognized him straightaway. But why was he coming here now? Why wasn’t he with the woman he’d chosen? As she watched, he reined in. His face was upturned directly toward her as she stood so clearly silhouetted on the roof, then he urged his mount on, leaving it by the terrace steps and hurrying into the house.

A few moments later she heard him coming up into the gazebo. Hengist and Horsa heard him too and went to meet him, their tails wagging. He paused by the open French window, patting the dogs for a moment and looking toward her. ‘Louisa, I must talk to you.’

She braced herself, determined to cling to what was left of her pride. ‘We have nothing to say to each other, Kit.’

‘My grandfather tells me you intend to leave.’

‘Yes.’

‘Please don’t, for I’d much rather you stayed.’

She gave a small, rather wry smile. ‘I’m sure you would, for if I go people are bound to talk about you and Lady Rowe. Well, I’m afraid you’ll have to endure their wagging tongues, because I will not stay here and be humiliated anymore.’

‘The last thing I’ve ever wanted to do is humiliate you. You’re my wife, Louisa, and you mean a great deal to me.’

‘Oh, please don’t keep up this pretense,’ she said, her voice shaking a little. ‘We both know the truth: it’s Lady Rowe you’ve chosen, not me.’

‘On the quay this morning you said.…’

‘A lot of very foolish things,’ she interrupted quickly, conscious of the telltale color flooding into her cheeks. She turned away. ‘I’d be grateful if you’d forget all about it, for it wasn’t of any consequence.’

‘Wasn’t it? Are you telling me you didn’t mean any of it?’

‘Does it matter? Lady Rowe is now free and you’ve made your wishes very clear. You don’t want an embarrassing ex-governess encumbering you any longer – not even for duty’s sake.’

‘My grandfather told me what she’d said to you, but it wasn’t true. Please look at me, Louisa, for I’m telling you the truth.’

Unwillingly she faced him again.

Leaving the dogs where they were, he came toward her. ‘I’ve never spoken ill of you to her, as she knows only too well, and now she also knows why I’ve never done so. Do you want to know why, Louisa?’

She hesitated.

‘Please, Louisa, I want you to know, and if you refuse me now, then the misunderstandings and mistrust will triumph, and you and I will both be the losers.’

‘I don’t want to misunderstand, Kit, and the last thing I wish to do is mistrust you, but.…’

‘There aren’t any buts. Nothing I’m about to say to you will hurt you, I promise you upon my honor. I want you to know my side of all this, it’s important to me … to us both, I hope.’

She searched his face for a moment and then nodded. ‘Very well.’

He came to stand next to her, leaning his hands on the balustrade and staring across toward the mainland. ‘I’ll begin at the very beginning. The day I went to Lawrence Park to see you, I was acting solely out of duty and conscience. I’d given my word to Tom and I felt guilty about letting my grandfather down, but I was also suffering from what I believed was my unrequited love for Thea. You were my way out of it all, enabling me to both do my duty and clear my conscience, while at the same time standing between me and a wrongful love for another man’s wife. I’d always despised myself for my liaison with her, because I was betraying my principles by indulging in an adulterous affair, but I honestly loved her and I wanted her to become my wife.’ He paused. ‘I’m not trying to excuse my actions where she was concerned, I’m trying to explain them. Do you understand?’

She met his earnest gaze. ‘Yes, I understand.’

He took a deep breath. ‘As you know, my journey to Lawrence Park was interrupted at the Green Dragon, where I overheard certain things. Rightly or wrongly, I found myself wondering about your character, but when I met you, I very quickly realized that you’d been Lawrence’s innocent victim and that you’d never have encouraged his advances. Louisa, what I didn’t realize then was that in those early minutes with you, my reasons for asking you to be my wife had undergone a very subtle but very important change. I wasn’t asking you because I felt duty-bound, I was asking you because I wanted you. If there’s such a thing as love at first sight, then it happened to me that day.’

Her heart seemed to stop within her. She stared at him. ‘Kit—’

He put a finger to her lips to stop her words. ‘Let me finish, for I must say it all.’

His touch burned against her skin. She wanted to clasp his hand, but didn’t dare. If she reached out now, the dream would slip away before her outstretched fingers. Her heart still seemed numb, as if it had halted in this breathless moment, never to beat again.

His hand moved to rest against her cheek. ‘Louisa, I meant every word of my marriage vows, I wanted to worship you with my body, I wanted to love and cherish you, and take care of you forever. My thoughts were all of you, there was no room left for Thea, she’d ceased to exist for me.’

‘I thought.…’

‘You thought I loved her and that you weren’t worthy anyway, but if you could have seen into my heart, you’d have known how wrong you were. Couldn’t you sense the truth when I comforted you after the funeral? Didn’t you feel it when I kissed you in the chapel? I wanted to give my passion free rein, but at the same time I didn’t want to seem insensitive. You’d lost Tom and your life had changed beyond all recognition; you were lost, vulnerable, and totally in my hands. A false move on my part might have driven you from me forever, and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you before I’d really come close to you in the way I needed to be close.’ He smiled a little. ‘I’d never felt that way about Thea, and I know now that what I felt for her fell far short of my feelings for you. No, don’t say anything yet, for I must tell you absolutely everything so that you’ll understand and maybe forgive me for what I’ve said and done to you.’ His thumb moved gently against her cheek.

‘As I said, I nearly told you the truth in the chapel, but somehow the moment didn’t seem quite right, and I decided instead to wait until we were alone together for the first time as man and wife. I meant to make love to you that night, Louisa; my body and my heart ached with the need to hold you close and share that precious intimacy I craved so much from you. Dear God, if only you knew how much I regretted that fateful decision, for between the chapel and our first night together there came the locket, and as quickly as I’d been consumed with love for you, so I was equally consumed with jealousy. I thought that Lawrence possessed what I loved so very much, and my bitterness made me behave the way I did toward you. I wanted to hurt you as much as I believed you’d hurt me, but at the same time I still loved you to distraction, and so I said hurtful things.

‘Louisa, I didn’t intend to see Thea again after our marriage, but when we quarreled yet again that first night here, I petulantly decided to do exactly what you’d accused me of – I went to her. But when I was with her, I knew how wrong I was, for there wasn’t anything left in my heart for her, all I could think of was you. I should have finished it with her once and for all that night, leaving her in no doubt that there was no going back, but in spite of the fact that I’d seen her for what she really was, I couldn’t bring myself to be too cruel. I was a fool, because I left her with hope, and that led to her conduct today.’

He paused again, his hand falling away from her cheek as he turned to gaze over the park again. ‘Louisa, I really did think that you’d deliberately met Lawrence that day on the marsh; in my blind jealousy it was all I could think, especially when Rowe taunted me with as much, but you were wrong when you accused me that night of acting out of injured male pride when I found out the truth from my grandfather. I was bitterly ashamed of what I’d said to you, because you meant everything to me and the thought of him hurting you like that was more than I could bear. I didn’t want to face you coldly like that. I wanted to hold you in my arms and make you believe how much I loved you, but instead …’ He drew a long breath. ‘I was very close to killing him for what he’d done to you, and for the way he’d come between us all the time, but I came to my senses and let him go. I’ve come to my senses in every way now, Louisa, for I’ve told Thea that I love you and that it’s over once and for all. I know what you think you saw at the Mermaid Inn, but if that door had closed a little more slowly, you’d have seen me very deliberately and definitely disengaging myself from her. I told her that Rowe’s death and her freedom made no difference to me, because it was you that I loved. If her tears were false before, they certainly weren’t after that.

‘Louisa, I know my actions on the quay must have appeared very damning and hurtful to you, but they weren’t what they seemed. I didn’t go to her because I at last saw a chance of winning her; I went to her because I thought she was genuinely distressed by the accident.’ He gave a wry laugh. ‘Don’t misunderstand me, I didn’t believe she was weeping for Rowe, but I did believe she was shocked by what had happened to him, and there’s a world of difference between comforting someone you believe to be upset and comforting that same person because you love her. There is also a world of difference between condemning and confining you because I disliked your show of spirit when faced with those you despised, and doing the same because I in fact admired that show of spirit, but was jealous to the very quick and wished to keep you well away from Lawrence. It’s the latter that is the truth, Louisa, for I was proud of the way you stood up for your principles and beliefs, but I was so eaten up with jealousy that I behaved despicably.

He put his hand to her cheek again. ‘I think I’ve told you everything now, I’ve bared my soul and confessed my love. Please tell me that what you said to me on the quay was the truth and that you love me too.’

‘Oh, Kit,’ she whispered, tears of joy shimmering in her eyes, ‘if only you knew how I’ve longed to hear you tell me you love me. I adore you, and I have done almost from the outset. I want you, I want every part of you, I don’t want to be shut out from anything. You mean the world to me, and leaving you would have been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.’

His hand slid back to coil in her hair and his eyes were dark. ‘You’ll stay with me now, won’t you?’ he murmured softly.

The air had been singing around her, and now she felt as if she lacked all substance. She’d become ethereal. He loved her and wanted her, and it wasn’t a dream, it was really happening. Against all the odds, the governess had won the heart of her lord. She suddenly found herself remembering Tom’s last letter, and she smiled a little.