A Lush Betrayal (19 page)

“Are we going to talk about what happened this morning? Because after that, I don’t see what else there is to talk about.”

The elevator doors open and he takes my hand in his firmly as he leads me down the hall to his room. Once we’re inside, he closes the door then backs me against it, his arms caging me in as his head drops alongside mine.

“This morning was awful, Mel, I get that. I know it may not seem like it, but I don’t want to hurt your sister any more than you do. She and Walsh have been my world for a long time, but that doesn’t stop what I’m feeling for you right now.” He kisses my neck then strokes my face with the backs of his fingers as he pulls away and looks me in the eye.

“It’s time for me and Tammy and Walsh to move on with our lives. He was sick and Tammy and I helped him out of it, out of that place, but now it’s time to let go. He’s getting better, I can see it, and they’ve got each other. I don’t know why she’s so opposed to this,”—he gestures between us—“but she’ll get over it.”

He kisses me again, on the corners of my lips, then the tip of my nose. His hand is at my waist, his thumb rubbing softly on the bare skin he’s exposed by pushing my t-shirt up at my midriff.

Any resolve I may have is faltering. I’m sure he knows it as I let out a small sigh and arch into his touch.

“Mel,” he rumbles. “Don’t let her ruin this for us. We’re fantastic together. You know we are. Last night proved it. This,”—he strokes his tongue across my lips—“proves it.”

I can’t think. I have to get some space. I push halfheartedly at his chest. “You have to let me breathe here, Joss. I can’t think when you’re doing that.”

He chuckles. “Sort of the point, sweet Mel.”

I push again and he sighs and steps back. I move around him, careful not to touch any part of him, and walk to the enormous windows that run along one whole side of the living room in his suite. I look outside at the sunny Colorado day as the cars of downtown crawl along the street twenty floors below us.

“I’ve never seen her like this,” I say quietly.

He comes and stands behind me, not touching but close enough I can feel his warmth.

“I know,” he answers. “And I hate it too. We were really good friends for a long time, you know.”

“She always talked about you like you were one of her favorite people, and then one day it just stopped. What happened?”

I feel him shrug. “I don’t know. Walsh going to rehab changed everything for all three of us. It can’t go back to the way it was, and I’ve accepted that.”

I nod. Something still isn’t fitting. I’m missing a piece here, and maybe Joss doesn’t have the answers, but Tammy does, if I can only get her to give them up.

“But, Mel, that doesn’t have anything to do with us.”

I spin to face him, nearly losing my breath at how close he is. “But it does, Joss. I love my sister. She’s taken care of me my whole life. It’s hard to see her this way and feel like I did it to her.”

“I know,” he says softly as he looks at me with such tenderness in his eyes. “I want you to be happy, Mel. I think I can make you happy, and we’ll work on Tammy together. Can you let me try?”

I look up at his beautiful face, his green eyes and strong jaw, just the perfect amount of stubble softening the angles. His broad shoulders beckon to me, and the smooth skin of his hard chest is visible above the collar of his shirt. Until this morning, I thought his rock star lifestyle was my biggest fear, but now something more sinister lurks on the edges of my consciousness. Something tied to Tammy’s excessive reaction to Joss and me. But it’s so much easier to ignore it right now. So much easier to simply give in to my wants, my desires, my heart.

“Okay,” I say. “But we need to take it slow. Let me keep talking to her and see if I can get her to come around. Let’s not flaunt it.”

He reaches out and pulls me closer, wrapping his long, strong arms around my waist and resting his chin on the top of my head. “Whatever you want. We’ll keep it quiet. As long as I can be with you, Mel. I want you way too fucking much to give you up. Not for your sister, not for anyone.”

He sets me away from him and then takes my hand before leading me to the bedroom, where he proves that he can rock me as fabulously off a stage as on one, until it’s time to load up the bus and move on to the next city.

W
E’VE BEEN
on the bus for three hours when Tammy finally heads to her room, leaving Walsh in the main compartment. Joss and I didn’t sit together. He’s been working on some stuff with the head of the crew, and Tammy and Walsh kept to themselves in a back corner, leaving me to catch up on some sleep.

Once I see Tammy leave, I get up and walk back to Walsh. “Can I sit here?” I ask him.

He smiles at me, but it’s a sad smile. “Sure, Little D. Have a seat.”

I slide into the cushy captain’s chair, not too sure what should come next.

“I guess you’re not really Little D anymore though, are you?” Walsh says as he nudges me with his elbow. I can feel my face heat up.

“I haven’t been for a long time, Walsh. Some people don’t seem to have noticed though.”

“She loves you so much, you know?” he responds as he looks out the window. “She loves hard, your sister. She’s just wired that way. And it’s a damn good thing for me, Mel, because I’ve put her through hell.”

I place my hand on his arm. Walsh is a really good guy. I know he would never have hurt Tammy if he could have helped it.

“It wasn’t your fault, Walsh. You have a disease, and it got the best of you for a while. Tammy understands that.”

His head pivots to face me suddenly, and I can see the toll this has had on him. The pressure he’s under. Walsh is so easygoing, so happy generally, that he doesn’t usually show when he’s in pain. He hides it well, and I guess that’s how he ended up in rehab.

“Don’t make excuses for me, Mel. It doesn’t help. What I did was selfish and unfair to the people who loved me, especially your sister. Sometimes I’m afraid I broke her, and I don’t know how to fix it.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, confused now.

“She hasn’t been the same since I got out of rehab. It’s like she’s so scared something’s going to take me away from her. I’ve been clean, Mel. I swear it—not one slip. I won’t do that to her. I love her too much to put her through that again. But it’s like she can’t relax. I catch her sometimes when she thinks she’s alone. She cries, Mel. Sits there looking at pictures of us before I went to rehab and just cries.”

Anyone who knows my sister knows she doesn’t cry over much of anything. I haven’t seen her cry in years, although I’m sure she cried when Walsh got so sick. But now that he’s out and doing fine? Why?

“Have you asked her about it?”

“Only once. She blew it off as PMS, but I know something’s not right. There’s this desperation to her. When—well, when we’re
alone
.” He looks at me and raises his eyebrows, insinuating what “alone” means. “Every time is like she thinks it’ll be the last time. I don’t know what it is, Mel, but she’s not okay.”

“Well, this morning did nothing to dispel that view,” I answer ruefully.

Walsh runs his hands down his thighs like he can wipe away the memories. “Yeah, I couldn’t get her to talk about it at all. And just so you know, I’m not saying I’m good with you and Joss, but I also know you’re an adult, and if you want to take that chance with him, then so be it. I’ll always be here for you no matter what happens.”

I feel a lump rise I my throat. “Oh, Walsh,” I whisper.

He hooks an arm around my neck and gives me a noogie. “Just doing my brotherly duties. But that doesn’t mean Joss gets to fuck with Tammy’s head.” He looks up the aisle to where Joss is deep in papers with the crew chief. “He’s not high on my list right now, even if you are sleeping with him.”

I roll my eyes. “God, Walsh, stop it. Honestly, he only wants Tammy to be happy too. Everyone was strung out this morning. He didn’t mean he’d actually fire her.”

Walsh snorts. “You don’t know Joss all that well yet, Little D. He never says something he doesn’t mean.”

“So what are we going to do about this?” I try to deflect. “Because Joss isn’t backing down, and you and I are caught in the middle.”

“And what about you? Are you prepared to take this battle on alongside Joss? Because if you’re just giving in to his pressure, that’s no way to start a relationship.”

I’m not sure what we’re starting is a relationship. I’m not sure what it is we’re starting, but I won’t tell that to Walsh.

“I’m not going to let Tammy decide who I sleep with, Walsh. Surely you can see that’ll never work.”

He nods and sighs. “Yeah, I know. I got her calmed down for now. We’ll see how long it lasts.”

“Do you think she needs some sort of help? Like a doctor or meds or something?”

His head whips toward me and I can see his jaw tighten. “What the fuck, Mel? One night with Joss and now you’re ready to have your sister committed?”

I feel the sting of the words as if he’d flung something at me physically instead of metaphorically. “No, of course not. God. I love Tammy and I’m worried about her. You just told me she hasn’t been herself. And she was seriously out of her head this morning. The way she’s acting isn’t normal, Walsh. You can see that.”

He goes back to looking out the window, but I can see him clenching his teeth as the veins in his neck throb. “I’ll handle Tammy. You just keep Joss out of her way.”

His tone of voice tells me this conversation is over, and I’m afraid of making things worse if I keep pushing. So I stand up and lean down to give him a kiss on the cheek. “Thanks for being a good brother, Walsh. Promise me you’ll tell me if you think she needs anything?”

He nods.

“Can I go see her?” I ask.

“Why don’t you check in with her tonight. We’re stopping for dinner in some little town. Come eat with her. I’ll sit with the guys.”

I agree, realizing I’ve come to a point where I have to get permission to see my own sister. It makes me sad beyond measure. My heart aches as I make my way back to the front of the cabin and sit down at my laptop. The only bright spot is when Joss looks over at me and I see his face break out into sheer, unadulterated joy. It’s such a rare expression for him that I can’t help but stop and simply stare. He quirks an eyebrow at me and I laugh before I go back to work.

Joss

F
OR ONCE
I’m grateful to have to listen to my crew manager go over every fucking detail of the next two days. It takes my mind off of the lies I had to tell Mel this morning. Things like, “I don’t know what changed between me and Tammy.”
Things that make me sick down deep in my core. I can hear my grandmother’s voice in my mind, telling me that lies always come back to haunt you.

That thought is swimming through my head when we finally stop for dinner that night. I slouch off the bus, expecting that I’ll get a table for Mel and I in some dark corner where Tammy can’t see us, when Walsh comes up and murmurs into my ear. “Mel’s going to talk to Tammy over dinner. You and I can eat with the guys.”

I give him a sideways glance. “Fine,” I grumble.

By the time we get inside, Mike and Colin have secured a big table for themselves and a bunch of the roadies. The place is one of those giant warehouse barbecue setups—concrete floors, corrugated metal walls here and there, lots of cow skulls and Texas license plates hanging from the ceilings. The smell of smoking meat permeates the space. Walsh and I take seats at the end of the crew’s table next to one another. The wait staff was forewarned of our arrival hours ago, but I can see they’re still tripping out over us. I try to keep my head down and don’t take off my sunglasses, hoping it’ll dissuade any requests for autographs.

The little busgirl has come by to refill our waters down at my end of the table about six times in fifteen minutes, and Walsh rolls his eyes at me as she hits us up yet again. “I’m going to have to piss for the next three hours,” he mutters under his breath. I can’t help but laugh and I start to relax. God, I wish he and I could get back to who we used to be. I miss him so much sometimes that I can almost feel it in the air around me. It’s chilly and damp and dull.

“Can I get you boys something from the bar?” our middle-aged bleach-blond waitress asks as she smooths her hand over her tight t-shirt, thrusting her chest out at the same time.

“Nah, I’m good,” I say, keeping my eyes on her face.

“You can have a beer, you know,” Walsh says as he looks at me. “I’m not going to freak out or anything.”

I smile wryly. “I’m fine, really. But thanks.”

“Just water for me,” Walsh tells her when she looks at him.

“Okay, but if you boys need anything else at all, just holler. I’m Carrie.”

“Sure thing.” Walsh smiles benignly.

“Hey, Walsh!” Mike yells suddenly from midway up the table.

“Yo,” Walsh replies.

“Why the hell were you over at the auditorium this morning? I called for a car and they said you and Joss had both of them over there. Did you leave something last night?”

Walsh shoots me a sharp look out of the corner of his eye. He’s no better at lying than I am, so I’m sure he’s freaking out right about now. “Yeah, Tammy thought she’d lost something over there, but turns out Joss had picked it up.”