A Love to Live For (9 page)

I walked to a corner as I tried to gather my composure but before I could reach it, I suddenly felt a pair of arms wrap around me from behind.

When I turned around, I could not help but gape, speechless.

“Surprise!” Michelle said.

“Mi-Michelle!” I screamed her name and then gave her a hug. “I thought you said you weren’t coming?”

“Well, I thought I wouldn’t be able to make it at first,” she said. “But I decided I just didn’t want to miss the chance to see my old friends again and you, of course.”

“Oh, so I’m just an afterthought.”

She poked me playfully. “Silly. I came all the way from the other side of the country, you know, so don’t you go sulking on me. By the way, was that Vincent you were talking to earlier?”

“You saw?”

“I searched the room for you first, of course,” she said. “So what did you guys talk about? Wait, should you two even be talking? Shouldn’t you be with Joseph?” She looked around. “Where is Joseph?”

“You ask too many questions,” I told her. “Vincent was only saying hi and so was I.”

“Really?” She raised an eyebrow at me.

“Really,” I said. “And as for Joseph, he’s talking to some of his friends.”

“I see,” she said. “So how have the two of you been? You’ve only given me one update, you know.”

“Well, I’m sorry I couldn’t give you an update every minute,” I said. “But we’re fine. We’re okay.”

“How do you feel about him now?” Michelle asked.

I shrugged. “I seriously don’t know but I can say it’s a good feeling.”

“You are so stubborn and naïve,” Michelle said. “I think you’re already in love with him but you just don’t want to admit it. I can tell by that look you have in your eyes when you talk about him.”

“I do not have any special look in my eyes.”

“Whatever.”

“Have you seen Elsa?” I asked her, deciding to change the subject. “She’s lost so much weight I couldn’t even believe it was her.”

She shook her head. “Like I said, I searched for you first.”

“And Gwen, I have to say her hairstyle is wonderful and Patty, she…”

We walked around the room so Michelle could meet our classmates and I could greet them a second time, in between sharing our hushed opinions. I did not exactly like to gossip but I had to admit that whenever I was around Michelle, I just couldn’t seem to stop talking about anything or anyone. That was one of the reasons why she was my best friend.

I still could not believe she was here, in the flesh, right beside me but I dared not question it. I was only too happy to be reunited with her after three years.

I almost did not want to leave her side, in fact, but after a while, when the band started playing a slow song, Joseph came to ask me to dance and so I allowed him to lead me to the dance floor.

“You seem to be having fun,” he said as he placed his hands around my waist, the unfamiliar yet somehow intimate touch making my heart skip a beat.

“Speak for yourself,” I told him as I gingerly placed my arms around his neck. “You and Samantha seemed to be having a nice conversation.”

“Oh, so you’re jealous.” It was a statement, not a question.

“I’m not,” I vehemently denied it.

He chuckled. “Why don’t you just admit you’ve fallen in love with me already?”

I grinned. “You are just…”

“So full of myself, I know,” he said as he pulled me closer so that my cheek was touching his, the contact almost making me shiver. “But don’t worry. There’s no reason for you to be jealous. You’ve always had my heart, you know.”

At the words, the closest to saying that he loved me that I had heard so far, I felt a blush coat my cheeks and it was a good thing our faces were side by side so that he didn’t notice it. Not knowing what to say, I simply kept silent and he, too, fell suddenly silent so that we just spent the dance just holding each other quietly.

It was not an awkward silence, though. Rather, it was warm and comfortable, just as he felt against me.

Until then, he had never really held me, only going so far as to holding my hand or touching my arm or my shoulder, never even hugging me, and now that I was in his arms, I felt as if we were all alone even though the auditorium was crowded, Michelle and Vincent and everyone else forgotten. I felt strangely safe, too, but at the same time, in more danger than I had ever been before.

In danger of falling in love.

Indeed, as we danced, I thought about all the times Joseph and I had spent together, both before and after we started going out, and about what Michelle had said about my eyes lighting up whenever I spoke of him, and I realized that he was the reason why I felt so happy lately, waking up with a smile every morning and going to sleep with a smile every night, why everything suddenly felt as if they had fallen into place and my life suddenly felt complete.

Did that mean I was already in love with Joseph?

“No, I’m not in love with Joseph,” I told Michelle firmly the next morning as we had breakfast at the diner – pancakes and scrambled eggs with a few strips of bacon.

“Keep telling yourself that, girl,” she said after swallowing a mouthful of pancakes. “Because I ain’t buying it.”

“Why do you insist so much that I’m in love with him?” I asked.

She put down her fork. “Fine. Tell me again what happened last night after the reunion.”

I placed down my fork as well and dabbed my mouth with a table napkin. “Joseph and I went to have coffee at the only 24-hour place in town and…”

“Alright, stop there,” Michelle interrupted me. “See, the moment you said Joseph and I, your expression changed.”

“And I’m telling you that’s just your imagination.”

“Now, you’re beginning to insult me,” she said. She took a sip from her cup of coffee before continuing. “Look, I’m your best friend. I know you. And I might not have seen you in three years but the moment I saw you, I knew something was different and I knew that Joseph had something to do with it.”

“So now you’re telling me you’re psychic?” I teased.

She grinned. “You know what? The question should be why you’re insisting that you’re not in love with Joseph when you clearly are. Is there a reason?”

I sighed. For a moment, I debated on whether or not to tell Michelle the truth, then, thinking that she was my best friend, after all, and she would never tell anyone anything I told her in confidence, I decided it was time for me to tell her the whole truth.

“I told myself I can’t fall in love with Joseph and I’m not going to,” I told her.

“Because?”

“Because…” I leaned across the table so I could finish the sentence in a whisper. “Joseph is dying.”

At the news, she gasped, then hastily covered her mouth. Then, when the shock had subsided, she crossed over to sit beside me. “What do you mean?”

“He has a brain tumor,” I whispered to Michelle. “Even I don’t know how long he has left to live.”

“Well, that certainly changes things,” Michelle said, sitting back and crossing her arms over her chest. “Wait, how long have you known this?”

“Since the beginning,” I answered.

“So you knew it before you agreed to go out with him?”

“Yes.”

“And you still agreed to go out with him?”

“Yes.”

“And now, you’re trying not to fall in love with him?” She gave me a puzzled look. “Rebecca, I don’t understand. If you didn’t want to get hurt, then you should never have agreed to go out with him.”

“I told myself I’d cross the bridge when I got there,” I reasoned. “I didn’t think I was going to fall in love with him for real.”

“But you have.”

“And I thought I would be strong enough, that I would be able to endure losing him,” I added. “But now, I’m not so sure. In fact, just today, when I got a message from him saying that he and his sister suddenly had to go out of town, I suddenly missed him and then I started thinking about how it would be if he were no longer around and my chest just felt so tight and so painful.”

Michelle rubbed my back.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to stand losing him, Michelle,” I said. “Frankly, I’m afraid.”

Michelle sighed. Then, she placed her hand over mine. “Rebecca, I know this must hurt. There’s nothing more painful than losing the person you love, after all. But there’s nothing you can do about it now. You’re already in love with him and yet the fact remains that he…will soon be gone. All you can do is just…just love him until he’s gone.”

“We can just stay as friends,” I said. “That way, it won’t hurt so much when he leaves me.”

“Do you think it doesn’t hurt to stay friends when both of you have feelings for each other?” Michelle said. “I know what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to run away, but you can’t, Rebecca, not this time. You love him and love is not something you can run away from. Even if you leave Joseph, even if you decide that the two of you should just stay friends, you will still get hurt when he…he goes away. In fact, you’ll hurt more because you never allowed yourself to love him.”

“I don’t know, Michelle,” I said, placing my other hand on my forehead. “I was never ready for this. I never expected it, but now, I…I don’t think I can stand to lose him.”

“Ssh.” Michelle squeezed my hand. “Well, at least, now, you’re beginning to acknowledge that you do love Joseph. All that’s left to do is to tell him, to show him. I’m sure if you do, he’ll show you how much he loves you, too, and maybe that love will be enough to give you strength to face what’s to come.”

“I don’t know about that.” I shook my head. “I loved my Mom and she loved me but somehow, that made it even harder for me to let go of her.”

“But you are glad that you were able to know her and love her, right? You’re happy that she died loving you?”

I said nothing, though I could understand what she was trying to say.

“It is very difficult to lose someone you love,” Michelle went on. “But as they say, it is better to have loved and lost, then to not have loved at all. Just think, would you have preferred never to have known Joseph at all? Never to have known the warmth of his laughter or share all those wonderful memories together?”

I wanted to say that at least then, I wouldn’t know what I was missing, but could not bring myself to speak. I knew, after all, that I had no regrets about being with Joseph. Besides, I was already with Joseph. I couldn’t change that and so I didn’t want to regret it.

“Hey, cheer up,” Michelle said, smiling at me. “You’re acting as if he’s already gone. You have all the time in the world to be sad when he’s gone but for now, you should be happy.”

“Well, he’s not here right now,” I said.

“But when he comes back, you will tell him how you feel and you will try to be happy, won’t you?”

I didn’t answer. I wanted to cheer up, to be strong and happy, but somehow, I just couldn’t. I just couldn’t help but keep wondering what would happen when I lost Joseph and so I couldn’t help but feel depressed.

I felt like I had been such a fool for agreeing to go out with Joseph thinking I would be able to keep myself from falling in love with him or that I would be able to let him go afterwards – oh what a fool I was – but at the same time, I didn’t want to regret anything – I had truly enjoyed every minute with him, after all – which only left me more confused and more depressed.