A Love to Last Forever (2 page)

“Well, it is to me. I like having things in their place, and I like knowing where that place is. It gives me a sense of belonging, and that comforts me. I think the only thing that could entice me to leave would be to have a home of my own, but even then, I’d want it nearby.”

“But surely you wouldn’t pass up true love for such a reason.”

Beth thought about this for a moment. Adrian was quite attentive, and like Lord Wodehouse, he seemed charming and interesting. “I suppose I don’t know,” Beth finally admitted. “I’ve never been in love before. I would have to weigh the matter with great care. It seems to me that if a man loved me, he would be willing to adapt and make changes for me.”

“But you wouldn’t have to change for him?” Gwen asked with a smile.

Beth realized she’d probably said too much. “Oh, it isn’t important. I don’t know why I went on so about it.” She glanced around the room. “What would you like me to start on first? Is there still baking?”

“Yes.” Gwen started for the kitchen. “I have five loaves of bread rising. We need to make dinner rolls, as well.”

“I can certainly help with that,” Beth said, hoping her sister would just forget about their conversation. She hurried past Gwen and immediately went for her apron. The last thing Beth wanted was to have to explain why she felt so fiercely about staying put. She’d never told her sisters about her secret shame—her relief at their father’s passing—and she never intended to.

“I know you want to avoid my question, but I do wish you would consider it carefully,” Gwen said.

“What question?” Beth asked innocently.

Gwen rolled her eyes. “You know perfectly well what question. Do you truly believe you shouldn’t have to change?”

Beth finished securing her apron before looking up at Gwen. “I would hope that God, knowing my heart, would send me someone who’d be happy with me as I am.”

“And if He doesn’t?”

“Well, I haven’t really given it much thought.” But that was a lie, because it was all that Beth thought about. “I suppose I could just stay single all of my life.” She offered a forced smile. “I’ll be the spinster Gallatin. I’ll bake cookies for children and grow very plump eating fruitcake.”

Gwen laughed. “Oh, there is no chance of you being a spinster. You are much too pretty and too kindhearted. Besides, if not Mr. Murphy, there’s always Nick.”

“But he isn’t a Christian.”

“Well, I don’t know about that. He’s been attending church with Simon, and Hank tells me they’ve discussed the services on more than one occasion. Perhaps he is closer to God than you’re giving him credit for.”

Beth nodded. “Perhaps.” She thought again of Lord Wode-house and Nick in English attire. It was an amusing thought and immediately put her in a better frame of mind. “At least Nick seems content to live right here.”

Hours later Nick was pushed to the edge of Beth’s thoughts as she strolled along the banks of the Gallatin River with Adrian Murphy.

“I’m glad you had some time to walk with me. I wanted to talk to you about . . . well . . . my leaving.”

Beth tried not to sound surprised. “Leaving?”

He smiled and pushed back his light brown hair. “Well, my team will be heading back East to rally with the men who sent us. We’re going to discuss the various routes and surveys and probably won’t be back to the area before spring—maybe summer.”

“That’s too bad. I know we’ll miss you all.” Beth toyed with a stalk of dried grass. As she straightened, Beth grew aware of Adrian’s nearness. She smiled. “It’s been very good for our business to have you here.”

“I was hoping you’d say something more personal.”

Beth looked at him and shook her head. “More personal? What do you mean by that?”

“I thought we were starting to get to know each other pretty well. Perhaps there might be something more permanent for our future.”

“Our future?” Beth asked, knowing she probably sounded ridiculous repeatedly echoing the things he said.

He grinned and took hold of her hands. “You must know that I esteem you greatly. I enjoy our time together.”

Beth thought of Lady Effingham and her various courtships. What would she say at a time like this? Adrian hadn’t declared his love for her—he’d said he esteemed her. Beth wasn’t even entirely sure what he meant by that, but it didn’t stir her heart as she had supposed such words might.

“I hardly know you,” Beth finally murmured. Her response was nothing like the daring and confident Lady Effingham, but it would suffice.

“I feel like I know you very well,” he said, rubbing the back of her hands with his thumbs. “But I’d like to know you even better. I was hoping you might wait for me.”

“Wait for you?”

He nodded. “Until spring, when I return.”

Beth tried to lose herself in Adrian’s gaze, but something held her back. “I can’t make you promises, Mr. Murphy. It wouldn’t be right for either of us. Especially since we have no real understanding.”

He frowned and traced a pattern with his fingers as his caress moved up her arms. “Maybe this will change your mind.” He leaned forward and closed his eyes, and Beth realized he meant to kiss her.

“There’s a bear,” Nick’s voice boomed out, causing Beth to jump back. “Or I should say a bear’s been seen in these parts. Since it’s warm, he’s not gone to hibernate just yet.”

Beth’s body trembled from head to toe. Like a naughty child who’d been caught pulling the cat’s tail, she felt her face flush and looked away. Adrian appeared to feel no such embarrassment.

“What kind of bear?” Adrian asked.

“Black bear. He was bothering folks earlier in the year and now seems to be back at it again. He’s no doubt looking for extra food.”

“No doubt.”

Beth looked up and tried to steady her wobbly knees. “Thanks for letting us know.”

“Well, you can’t be too careful,” Nick said, fixing Beth with a stern gaze. “A lot of animals will take advantage of the weak.”

Beth realized he meant to imply Adrian, and for a moment she found it rather thrilling. Nick was jealous! It was just like chapter six, when Lord Wodehouse found Lady Effingham dancing in the arms of the American sea captain.

“Well, I suppose it would be best to get back to the house,” Adrian said, glancing downriver. “I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you.”

Beth pulled her thoughts back to the moment. “Yes, I’m sure Gwen is wondering where I’ve gotten off to. There’s always a lot of work to do, and I must do my share.” She looked at Nick and smiled. “Thank you so much for the warning.”

Nick watched the couple walk off together and fought the urge to follow them—to come between them. Adrian held on to Beth possessively, and she certainly didn’t fight him to release her.

Is Murphy what she wants?

The thought was annoying and discouraging all at once.
I’m just a simple man. I’ll probably never have exciting stories or
romantic words to give her
. He knew from their conversations that Beth seemed caught up in a world of which he could never be a part. She read books that took her far away from Gallatin House.

Does she want to leave this area? Does she want riches and wealth?
He shook his head as Murphy escorted her out of sight. Nick had wanted to court Beth ever since her father had brought them to the area. He’d enjoyed her enthusiasm for life and her playful nature. Even after enduring her pranks, he still found her captivating and charming.

So what should he do about it? She always put God between them. Her reply when he’d asked to court her in the past had been that she couldn’t because he wasn’t a Christian.

And lately Nick could see why. To be a true believer, as he understood it, meant to give a real commitment to change your life and live it in a way pleasing to God. It wasn’t about just saying the words; it was far more important to live the truth of what you believed. As his brother had once commented, “Anyone can say they’re saved by God from their sins, but their life ought to show that to be true. It ought to look different from the person who isn’t a man of God.”

That made sense to Nick, but he still wasn’t completely convinced that he could be an honest-to-goodness Christian. His life had been marred by bad choices. Could God forgive that? Would God even want him?

On Sunday Gallatin House was packed with people as they gathered to hold church services. Curt Flikkema, the circuit rider, was preaching, and Beth was pleased to see that Nick and Simon Lassiter were in attendance. It was the third time she’d noticed them in the services, and Beth could only hope that the preaching was affecting them both. After all, Gwen had mentioned their talking about spiritual matters with Hank. Surely that was a good sign.

She felt funny coming face-to-face with Nick again after nearly being kissed by Adrian. Amazingly enough, he had said nothing about the encounter and treated her as though it had never happened. Beth had thought to try to explain the matter, but then she couldn’t figure out why it seemed so important that he should know.

“Guilt is the result of knowing that we had a choice to make and did not make it well,” Pastor Flikkema began. “We did not choose the path we knew to be the right one.”

Beth slid down her seat a bit and nervously smoothed out the dark green material of her wool skirt.

“Folks are often overcome by guilt. One simple and seemingly innocent choice or attitude takes them down the road to destruction and before they know it, they’ve made a mess of things.”

This was far from the topic Beth had hoped to focus on. She knew she’d made poor choices during her life. Everyone had. She’d watched her mother die and felt terrible grief and guilt from not being able to stop it. Of course, Beth had been able to reason that away. She was a child. There was nothing she could have done at the age of seven. She’d blamed their father, however, for not being there.

Beth frowned and lowered her head as the pastor continued. It had been a long time since she’d thought about blaming her father for their mother’s death. She had approached him about it when she’d been a girl of thirteen. It seemed important to take him to task after he had rather casually commented that God had taken their mother and unborn sibling to heaven because He had need of them.

“We had need of her, too,” Beth had told him. “If you’d been here, she wouldn’t have died.”

Her father had studied her for a moment. “Bethy, the Lord gives and takes away. Your mother could have lived, only if the Lord so chose.”

“But if you had been here,” Beth countered, “you could have gotten her help. You could have saved them.”

“Do you suppose the good Lord didn’t know she was by herself? Do you suppose my working the far acreage was just an oversight on His part?”

His casual manner of passing the blame to God had angered her. Beth didn’t want to blame God. God was, after all, her only solace these days. No, it was her father’s fault. He hadn’t protected them as he should have, or her mother might be alive even now.

“Sometimes,” Curt’s voice boomed out, “there is a liberty and freedom in facing the truth and accepting that no one else is to blame—no one but ourselves.”

Beth straightened and folded her hands. The words pierced her heart.
No one to blame but ourselves?
Didn’t she already blame herself for so much? There wasn’t liberty in that. The only thing she found there was more guilt to heap upon that which she already bore.

Staring at her interlaced fingers, Beth tried her best to appear unmoved by the pastor’s words. She had so long wrestled with her guilt that she was certain no one could help her. After all, while she hated feeling the way she did, Beth couldn’t honestly say her father’s death didn’t relieve her. With Pa dead, they were free to stay in Gallatin House and run the business without fear of needing to move on in a week or a month.

It’s not that I don’t miss him,
she admitted to herself,
because
I do. I loved Pa as much as Lacy or Gwen. If he could have been like
a normal father and settled down in one place, I would have wanted
him to live forever.
She re-laced her fingers. Did that make her a terrible person?

How many times had she asked herself that question?