A Love Made New (22 page)

“Andrew.” His mother enveloped Andrew in a hug almost as tight as the one she'd given him. “It's
gut
to see you. Congratulations on the wedding. I'm sorry we couldn't be here for it.”

Asa closed the door and gave Andrew a look. He'd invited his family? Asa hadn't known that.

“
Mei
mother understood,” Andrew said, looking at Asa as he spoke.

Asa realized that Andrew hadn't known either. Naomi must have invited her. Which would have made sense, because the two women had been friends when they lived next door to each other. Not that Asa was thinking clearly about any of this. All he could think about was the devastation on Abigail's face. What he would say to her. How he would explain—

“Asa,” Susanna said. “We need to—”

Joanna walked into the room that moment, gave Asa and Andrew one questioning look, then turned into the perfect hostess. While she made sure
Mamm
and Susanna were welcome and comfortable, Asa and Andrew went into the kitchen.

“What's going on?” Andrew said.

“I don't know.” He shoved his hand through his hair. “I had
nee
idea they were coming.” Which was his fault for not reading
the letters. He could kick himself for that. “I don't have a place for them to stay, either.” He explained the house situation.

Andrew nodded. “That's not a problem. We have room upstairs, so they can stay here.” He smirked. “This place is turning into a regular hotel.”

But Asa didn't find any of this funny. “I have to talk to Abigail.
Mamm
introduced Susanna as
mei
fiancée.”

“I thought she wasn't anymore.”

“She isn't. But I don't know if Abigail heard Susanna say that.”

“You can take one of
mei
buggies. Joanna and I will get
yer mamm
and Susanna settled. Where should I tell them you went?”

Asa paused. A lie wouldn't be right. It wouldn't do any good either. “Tell them the truth. Tell them I went after Abigail.”

A
bigail was numb as she drove home after leaving Asa, his mother, and his . . . fiancée. She couldn't believe it. He was engaged? This whole time he had a fiancée in Shipshe and he never said a word. Chased after her like he was unattached. No wonder he'd been cagey about his answers when she asked him about Indiana.

Her heart hurt, this time worse than any pain she'd felt other than the day she found out about her parents' deaths. It was as if blades were slicing her inside. How could he do this to her? How could he look at her with such passion, touch and kiss her with such . . . love?

But it wasn't love, any more than what Joel had felt for her was love. Lord, she was stupid. And desperate. Her head had known to stay away from Asa. Not to trust him. That he'd been too good to be true. He was probably even lying to her about never kissing anyone before her.

Her heart was just as stupid as it had always been.

In the dark of the road, all she could see was Susanna. She
was stunning. Crystal blue eyes, large and round with endless eyelashes that were even longer than Asa's. Her complexion was flawless, almost translucent. And of course she was tiny. Everything about her was petite, graceful, and perfect.

Everything Abigail wasn't.

She wanted to cry. She needed to cry, but she couldn't. She was too angry. Too mad at herself for being a fool, for falling for Asa's charm and looks and smooth talking.

When she reached the house, she took hold of the reins and guided the horse back to the barn. She lit the lantern, put the horse up, then shut the door to his stall. She leaned her head on the rough wood, wishing she could crawl into a hole and stay there for the next ten years.

She turned at the sound of a buggy pulling into the driveway. She recognized it right away. Asa must have pushed his horse to a fast trot to get here so quickly. She put her back to his buggy, flinching as she heard him run up behind her.

“Abigail?”

She closed her eyes at the sound of his voice. It shouldn't, but Asa saying her name still elicited an excited shiver through her body. Then again, he probably knew that too. He had her desperation pegged from the beginning. In so many ways he was worse than Joel, when all along she'd thought he was so much better.

Taking a deep breath, she straightened. She wouldn't let him know he got to her. She could at least keep her dignity. She pretended he wasn't there and walked past him. But he took her by the upper arm, retaining her.

“Abigail, please. I need to explain.”

She turned to him, making sure her voice was as steady as a placid lake. “I hope you enjoyed
yerself
.” Her voice cracked on the last word. So much for dignity. “I hope you had
yer
fun.”

Pain flashed in his eyes, an ache so deep that she could almost feel it. “Do you really believe that's what I was doing? Enjoying myself at
yer
expense?”

“I don't know. Why don't you talk about it with
yer
fiancée?”

“She's not
mei
fiancée.”

“That's not what
yer mutter
said.” She yanked her arm out of his grasp.

“It's a long story.”

“Not interested.” She started to turn away again.

“I love you, Abigail.”

Those three words held her in place. She bit her bottom lip until she tasted blood. Then she turned to him. “How dare you say that to me?”

“It's the truth.” He closed the short distance between them. “I've loved you ever since I came back to Birch Creek.”

“You expect me to believe you?”

“I'm praying that you do.” He took her hands in his, his gaze desperate. “It's hard to explain, but God sent me here. He told me to leave Shipshewana and everyone behind and come back to Birch Creek. That included leaving Susanna.”

“You were going to marry her.”

He swallowed, his grip tightening on her hands. “
Ya.
I was. But I know now it would never have worked between us. God must have known it, too, because otherwise he wouldn't have sent me here . . . to fall in love with you.”

She pulled away from him and stormed into the barn. When he followed her, she whirled around. “Do you really think I'm that pathetic? That I'll fall into any man's arms who pays me five minutes of attention?”

He looked confused. “Of course not.”

Anger consumed her. He was toying with her. Lying to her.
He didn't love her. He wanted one thing—the one thing all men wanted. Joel had wanted it, and she had seen that same look in Asa's eyes when he kissed her before Susanna had shown up. Hot tears coursed down her cheeks. “Fine. You know what. I'll give it to you.”

“Abigail, I don't know what you're talking about—”

She took off her coat and threw it on the ground. The voices in her head screamed that this was all she was worth. They pounded the message into her heart. She'd never have the love of a man like Rebecca had with Joel. Like Susanna had with Asa. Self-loathing overwhelmed her. She pulled the top pin out of her dress, the cool air from the barn hitting her collarbone, reminding her of the fleshy rolls of fat she carried. The tears came faster as she moved the fabric aside.

“Abigail, what are you doing?” Asa rushed to her. She yanked on her dress, but before she could reveal herself Asa's hands closed the fabric shut. “That's not what I want.”

Her breathing turned ragged, pain lashing at her from all sides. She tried pushing his hands away but he wouldn't move them. He wasn't hurting her. And in the far recesses of her mind she realized he was saving her from doing something monumentally stupid.

“I would never take advantage of you,” he said.

“So now you're saying you don't want me?”

He closed his eyes tight. “You know I do.”

But his words fell onto the desert in her heart. All she felt was pain and rejection and shame. “
Geh
away, Asa.”

“Abigail, please.”

She finally looked up at him. His beautiful eyes swam with tears. She could almost believe he was genuine. Almost. But to believe that, she had to accept that she was worthy of his love,
and she couldn't do that. Not after Joel. Not after Asa had kept the fact that he was engaged from her. Not when she felt ugly and worthless. She pushed his hands away and clutched at her dress.

He picked up her coat and handed it to her. She shrugged into it and pulled the front closed.

“I'm not leaving until I explain about Susanna.” He didn't move away from her, his gaze locked with hers. And as much as she wanted to, she couldn't look away from him, either.

“She and I were engaged to be married. That is true. But
was
is the operative word, because we broke up before I came to Birch Creek.”

“Then why does
yer mutter
think differently? Why is Susanna here?”

He sighed. “I don't know.
Mamm
really likes Susanna. She's the one who fixed us up.”

“I can see why,” she said bitterly. “Two perfectly beautiful people.”

“Fine, Abigail. If you're going to make this about looks, then I'll admit Susanna is pretty. But you? You're beautiful, both inside and out.”

Abigail folded her arms over her chest and huffed. Did he really expect her to believe him, even though she desperately wanted to?

He shut his eyes, as if he were praying. She'd seen him do this before. Or was he trying to find a way to lie to her again? “Asa—”

“I'm not leaving before I'm finished,” he said, more firmly than she'd ever heard him before. His eyes were open now, dark gray and filled with seriousness. She had no choice but to hear him out.

“Other than not liking
mei
job that much, everything was
gut
in Shipshe. Even the job wasn't that bad, and I would have stayed there for the rest of
mei
life. It paid
gut
money, it was stable. The perfect job for a
mann
who was about to get married and, God willing, have a
familye
.”

With every word her heart shrank. “Then why are you here if life was so perfect in Indiana?”

“Because like I said, God told me to leave. He told me to give up everything and come to Birch Creek.”

She listened as he explained about losing his job, his new house catching fire, and Susanna getting sick. “I couldn't ignore God any longer,” he said. “So I told Susanna it was over and came back here.”

“You broke up with her when she was in the hospital?”

“I didn't have any choice!” He heaved in a breath, then let it out slowly. “The minute I left, she started to heal.”

“So you left her to save her.” Abigail's heart softened a tiny bit. Then again, she wouldn't expect anything less from Asa. He was that type of man—good-hearted and kind. At least she'd thought he was. “You ended the relationship because you love her.”

“I love you,” he said, his voice tight. “I don't love Susanna.”

“But you did.”

He feathered a hand through his hair. “I'm not going to lie to you. I
can't
lie to you. I
thought
I loved her. But I didn't realize what love was until I met you. That's the truth.”

The sincerity in his eyes almost made her give in. She lifted her chin, meeting his gaze. “Why?”

He frowned. “What do you mean, why?”

“Why do you love me? How can you when we've only been on one date? When we're only starting to get to know each other?”

“We grew up together.”

“We knew each other as kids. That's not the same. And it's not an answer.” She lowered her voice. “You said you could never lie to me. Tell me . . . why do you love me?”

A shadow passed across his face. “Because God told me to.”

She stilled. She'd been prepared for any clichéd, ludicrous answer but that one. “God told you to love me?”

“
Ya
.” His tone sounded like someone had let the air out of a massive balloon. “He told me you would be
mei frau
.”

“Is this a joke?”

Asa shook his head. “I would never joke about something like this. You and I . . . we're God's will. He said it to me as plain as he told me to come to Birch Creek.” He swallowed. “I think he wanted me here for you.”

Abigail huffed. “So you and God are doing me a favor? Taking pity on the lonely fat girl
nee
one wants?”

Storm clouds formed behind Asa's eyes. “I told you not to do that.”

“What? Be honest? Can you stand there and say to me that if God hadn't told you to come after me, you would have given me a second look? You would have asked me out on
yer
own?” She could see the answer in Asa's eyes before he said the words.

“
Nee
. I wouldn't have.”

Pain pierced her heart like a dart. Of everything he had told her up until now, the only thing she was absolutely sure of was what he'd just admitted. She wouldn't have even been an afterthought in his mind. She could feel the tears form in her eyes again as she dropped her arms. Her coat front opened, and she knew her dress was still unpinned, but she didn't care.

He moved toward her. “Abigail, the circumstances don't matter. What matters is I love you.”

She couldn't stand to look at him anymore. “Leave, Asa.”

“
Nee
, not until—”

“
Geh
before I scream and Aden comes out here.”

Asa paused, then backed away, holding up his hands. “All right. I'll
geh
. But this isn't over.” His voice broke. “It can't be.”

She turned her back to him, her shoulders slumped, her despair and humiliation cloaking her like a sopping, rotten rug. The pin from her dress lay at her feet, lantern light glinting off the thin sliver of silver. She'd offered herself to him out of anger and frustration, truly believing that he wanted her, at least physically. But she'd been wrong. He didn't want her. He only thought he loved her because of some crazy coincidences in Shipshe that he somehow had twisted into thinking God was speaking to him. It didn't make any sense. All she knew was that he'd done the one thing she had begged him not to do—tear her heart to pieces.

Then again, she'd allowed him to.

She waited until she heard his footsteps disappear. Then she fell to her knees and sobbed.