A Load of Hooey (12 page)

                    
Shakespeare's greatest play:
In the Park
!

                    
It's what we want and we won't settle for

                    
anything less…right, guys?!

All the prisoners start pounding on their desks
…

                                  
PRISONERS

                    
In the Park…In the Park…In the Park!

The Director, scarier than the rest of the inmates, begins to back off—a riot is about to begin! Suddenly the door opens and a GUARD and WARDEN DANIELS enter
.

                                  
WARDEN DANIELS

                    
What the hell? Quiet down! All of you!

The Guard waves his gun and the prisoners quiet down
.

                                  
WARDEN DANIELS (CONT'D)

                    
The heck is going on in here, Placidio?

                                  
PLACIDIO

                    
These motherfuckers, they can't decide which

                    
play they want to do for the next round.

                                  
LUIS

                    
We did decide! We want to do

                    
SHAKESPEARE IN THE PARK!

The prisoners cheer, but the Warden is skeptical, until
—

                                  
ROBERT

                    
Placidio said it was our choice and we

                    
choose
Shakespeare in the Park
—what's

                    
wrong with that? I love that play, it's

                    
dear to me, it's dear to all of us, it's got

                    
everything: romance, betrayal, fresh air,

                    
sunlight! It's the Bard's most rewarding

                    
entertainment yet!

Warden Daniels takes this in, then remembers he doesn't give a shit
.

                                  
WARDEN DANIELS

                    
Oh…well, go ahead. It's one of my

                    
favorites.

The prisoners cheer and hug each other!

                                  
WARDEN DANIELS (CONT'D)

                    
But I'm warning you! It's not taking

                    
place in some fake park here in the

                    
prison; if we do it, we do it in a real

                    
park, outside! Theater is already so

                    
fakey, it makes me sick. I want to
feel

                    
something—you got me?! Make me see

                    
eternity!

The prisoners nod…hell, yeah. As they celebrate, Placidio throws his hands up in the air—what has he wrought? And we hear the narrator answer his query
…

                                  
NARRATOR (V.O.)

                    
All of Cell Block Three escaped

                    
during the first on-site rehearsal of the

                    
production.

                             
(
beat
)

                    
But their understudies from Cell Block

                    
Five went on in their place and made

                    
theater history.

WHAT TO DO IN CASE OF FIRE

I
n case of fire, do not panic: the historic Dubonot Hotel, aka “The Piano Hotel,” built in 1914, will be fine. Over its storied history, the historic Dubonot—“The Hotel with a Player Piano in the Lobby”—has played host to more than 275 (reported) fires—and just look at it! Look around you! The old gal is fine. Some plaster is missing, sure, but we can replace that, and we will, we will. Basically, these kinds of things happen to this hotel all of the time.

Why so many fires? This is probably due to the fact that the historic “Dubonot: the Hotel with the Indefatigable Music Machine” was built directly over a little-known natural-gas fissure in San Francisco's bedrock. One side effect of this constant seepage of natural gas is the delectable aroma of raw eggs wafting about every nook and cranny. In 1989, Chef Jeremy of Pierre's, our in-house restaurant, decided to turn a negative into a positive and set out to make the best omelets in the city. He has succeeded spectacularly and is listed in the
Guinness Book of World Records
for “cracking the most eggs per year” and for “surviving the most kitchen fires of any chef, ever” (229 fires).

Built in 1916, the historic Dubonot is not, as rumor has it, “always” on fire. It is, more aptly put, “usually” on fire. Another word that springs to mind is
oftentimes
. Our “famous” lobby has
had a continuously playing player piano since 1969, and only eighty-seven of the fires have ever burned it down completely. Seventy-eight fires were put out before making it to the lobby, one hundred and thirty-seven of our fires were kept to the basement level, and only fifty-six fires were determined enough to destroy the player piano itself. Mysteriously, one hundred and eighty-seven fires that were started by arson were started near or within the piano itself—as though in retribution for its never-ending merrymaking.

While a fire engulfs the Historic Dubonot Hotel, please avoid the elevators and use the stairs.

THE SECOND MEETING OF JESUS AND LAZARUS

E
verybody knows the story of how Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead.

Except you. You forgot. The details. The “deets.” Sheesh. Okay, here goes…

It seems Lazarus, the brother of Mary from Bethany, had fallen sick, deeply sick, in the way people living in the desert at that time did. This was only a short while after Jesus left town—he'd been there “teaching” and being worshipped. Laz's sister had actually washed Jesus' feet. Nice. Anyway, Jesus was on his general roving “mission” when his sixth sense got to tingling. He knew he had to return. But get this: by the time he got back, Lazarus had been in the tomb for four days, so he was good and dead. Now, that didn't stop Jesus, who marched right into the tomb alone and came out with Lazarus right beside him, whistling and winking all the way. Okay, I'm not sure he was whistling and winking, but I'll bet he felt like doing both. After all, Lazarus had been dead, and now he wasn't. An “exponential qualitative change,” if ever there was such a thing.

So that's the nutshell of it all, but hold up—this wasn't the only time Jesus and Lazarus had a face-to-face. A few months later, they met again. Jesus was outside a temple trying to look
inconspicuous, taking a break from messiah-ing, and Lazarus traveled for a day and three nights—one day he was sidetracked due to the heat, and finally he arrived at the J-man's vicinity and ran right up to him, breathless, to thank him and ask a few questions…

I think it might have gone like this.

[
To be read aloud to yourself in the voice of Bob Newhart
.]

Jesus! Hey, Jesus! Hi…hey…it's me.

What do you mean you don't remember me? You helped me.

No, I'm sure you DO help “a lot of people.” But I think you'll remember me—I mean, you REALLY helped me.

I'm Lazarus! The dead guy! You made me alive again! Yeah,
that
Lazarus! Right. Yeah, so…I wanted to say “thank you” and…if you don't mind, ask a question or two. Yeah? Okay, well. First, in case you're wondering, I'm fine. Lovin' life, TCB and all that—I mean, my foot fell asleep last week, and that gave me a scare, but I just shook it around and everything's fine. (
chuckles
)

Yeah, my question…well, my question is simply this: am I
ever
going to die?

I will. I'll die…
again
? Wow, you seem pretty sure—you spoke pretty quick there. Sure, I believe you, I just…I guess the follow-up to that, then, would be…where and when and…how will I die…
again
. [
awkward laugh
]

You know but won't say? Yeah, I figured you might have that kind of rule. I guess you'd have everybody badgering you if you didn't. Fair enough, but, uh…just one more thing, if I DO die
again, I mean, WHEN I die a
second
time, will you be…stopping by to…bring me back from the dead again? Or, was that a onetime deal?

One-time only. Got it.

Are you sure?

“Pretty sure.” Like, how sure? Is there a twenty percent chance that you would raise me up again? Fifteen? No? Ten? Three? Less than three percent?
No
chance. Okay. Wow. That's…

No, I understand. I'm not disappointed, per se…I may not
want
to keep coming back to life, but…what if I ask? I mean, what if I
asked
you to raise me from the dead, you know, as I'm dying?

Still a no. Wow, you're pretty committed to this. Okay. I mean—it seems a bit unfair. Just, I already died once, it wasn't pleasant, now I
get
to do it again. I'm not complaining, but…

What's that? If I believe in you I will live forever? So, then I won't die?

Oh, so you're saying “figuratively” I will live…in some heaven, somewhere? What's that like? What happens there?

So it's sort of a limbo place where everyone sings your praises all day and night? Hmm…yeah, well, no, I get why
you
think it's a pretty great place. It sounds…

My dead relatives will all be there? Are you trying to make it sound
less
attractive? Anyway, thanks again for…you know—
that one time
, and I guess I'll see you around, 'kay?

[
LAZARUS walks away, thoughtful, but gets only a short way before he turns around and runs up to Jesus with a big grin on his face
—]

Hold up a second—I get what you're doing here! Last time I died I was dead for four days before you raised me up! You wanted me to think it was going to go on forever! Then you popped in and Boom! I'm up! What are you going to do this time? Make me wait
five
days? Tssss… You're prankin' me! You're hustling my ass!

Oh—you really mean it, you're NOT going to raise me up again? I don't believe you, man…I can see your smile—you don't fool me. Nice one…nice try.

[
LAZARUS winks and walks away, nodding his head and grinning. Jesus stares at the ground, shaking his head
.]

ACTUAL-FACTUAL NEW JESUS FACTS

A
fresh new Dead Sea Scroll was discovered and deciphered last year, and some fascinating facts about the historical figure of Jesus have come to light.

       
1.
    
Jesus Christ went by the name Jesus and was only called “Geez” by his closest friends.

       
2.
    
He NEVER used the name Jesus H. Christ as we know it. However, there are documents signed “Holy Christ” and “Christ Almighty.” There is no record of him appearing under the moniker “Jesus Christ Almighty” or “Gee Whiz.”

       
3.
    
He once hosted a comedy-benefit-revue-style show for lepers where he appeared in drag as “Geez Louise.”

Famous Quotations—Unabridged