A Little Training (11 page)

The
singsong chattering of the girls came to a crashing halt rather suddenly when
morning guests were announced. As was typical I was the only one still at the
table hovering over my breakfast. Erin and Caity were twirling in their dresses
in between the couches in the front room. I don’t know where Sara had been but
she came quickly to see who was there.

I
had mixed feelings when I saw two guests welcomed in. At the sight of the
doctor my stomach dropped in absolute dread. But, when I saw the bashful Ellie
at his side there was a hopeful anticipation of a chance to talk with her more.
Self-preservation took over all too quick and I dropped my eyes back to my
breakfast. He couldn’t be there for me that time. He just couldn’t… I had been….

My
thoughts were interrupted anyway as Uncle Jeremy took my plate away and helped
me down. I didn’t want to get down, for once. Or at least, I wished I had an
invisibility cloak. Then I could sneak right down the hall and out of there.
But, nobody was paying any attention to me anyway.

Daddy
and the doctor went into the office and Ellie shyly sat down on the couch. Erin
started to spin again, giggling contagiously. Caity explained to Ellie that we
hadn’t been allowed to wear clothes before. I finally gave in and started to
twirl with Erin. It wasn’t as satisfying as the dresses I had worn to Sunday
school as a little girl, but there was a completely different kind of freedom.
I was giddy and it was so emotionally cleansing to simply let go.

The
happier I got the faster I spun and the louder I laughed. Ellie and Caity
joined in and we began to sing. It took a couple minutes to think of a song,
one that we all knew, and it was so easy, how could we forget—
Ring around the
rosie
,
pockets full of posies, ashes, ashes…

I
guess it really wasn’t the best idea. We bumped into each other and ended up
falling down. It wasn’t as fun as it was supposed to be. We got scolded by
Uncle Jeremy for playing like that in the house. I started crying because I
hurt my knee and because he hurt my heart. Uncle Jeremy was never cross with
me. But, while he was scolding us the next best thing in the world happened.

Daddy
came out of his office and said that we could play outside in the backyard. It
was a dream come true to me!

Until
he added that the doctor was going to see each of the girls really quick first,
to make sure no harm was done to them from the big girl time the day before.

Thankfully,
he quickly amended that he didn’t need to see me. He said that Ellie and I
could go out. I grabbed her hand and started to head for the back door. I
wanted out of there before anyone changed their minds.

We
explored for a little while, following the path around the garden, but
eventually came back to the swings. When we were there kicking our legs high up
toward the sun, the wind blowing our ponytails out behind us, Ellie said the
oddest thing.

She
said she wished she could be like us.

I
didn’t understand because she was. She was the doctor’s little girl.

“No,
I mean all the time. We have to go to Josh’s work parties and deal with our
families, you know. It’s just different.”

I
had to think about that. I guess I never really had thought about it before.
When I got a real Daddy would it be like this? Would I have to go back and
forth like a married couple? Or would he want me to be his little girl all the
time? And she really liked this and wanted it? It wasn’t just her Daddy who
wanted it? It seemed strange to me that she would want to live like this.

I
mean, girls don’t like this do they?

“You
like being a little girl, Ellie?” I drug my feet in the sand under the swing
and the wind flipped my skirt up again reminding me we weren’t given panties
with our dresses but I didn’t care. When the swing finally slowed I turned to
face her. She was looking at me rather strangely.

“Yes,
don’t you?” she cocked her head to the side in disbelief.

“I
don’t know. I haven’t thought about it. I guess I just do what I have to, to
get by.”

“Why
are you here? Why were you dancing?” Ellie slowed her swing to a stop too. Her
face was etched in confusion and something else… perhaps distaste.

“I
didn’t really know… I mean… I mean I knew what I was signing, the contract and
all, but I didn’t really understand. That doesn’t make sense, I know. This is
all so confusing to me. I am here because I signed the contract. The same as
the other girls. It never occurred to me that there are women who actually like
this, err, and want it. It never occurred to me that I might like it…. What do
you like about it?”

Ellie
was quiet for a few minutes. I didn’t know if she was going to answer me. I
wondered if she wasn’t going to like me anymore. Finally, she started to talk.
She started to swing again and to talk.

“I
like not being in control… Not having to make decisions. I like feeling small
and feminine. I love the power exchange, the dynamic.
 
That nothing I do will stop him from
doing whatever he wants and he knows and I know it. I love knowing that he
loves me enough to care for every single need I have, no matter how big or
small.”

I
started twisting the seat of my swing. I wound it as tight as it would go. When
I couldn’t get the chain any tighter I leaned back and let go. It spun and spun
around and around as it unraveled. It was disorienting. But, then again so was
that conversation. I was done with it. I needed time to ponder it on my own.
She must have understood that because she added one last thing and then let it
go.

“
Alivia
, it is ok if you start to like it too. In fact, it
will make things easier on you if you accept your natural tendencies to be
cared for.”

I
spun and spun with my eyes closed. I only opened them again when my swing
stopped and I heard another voice.

“OK
enough is enough, get off and
lemme
have a turn.”
Sara’s voice was easy enough to recognize even if I hadn’t opened my eyes to
confirm.

“I
thought witches used brooms to fly, not swings.” I don’t know why I had to pick
at her. There was just something about her.

She
jumped at me shoving at the chains, jarring me. “You would know all about
fairytales, wouldn’t you princess?”

I
jumped up off the swing afraid she was going to hit me and shoved her back.
“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Stop
it, you two.” Ellie came between us, thankfully taller and stronger, maybe even
smarter, and separated us. “You need to learn to get along. Who started this?
Why don’t you like each other?

“She
is a bitch… a snob…a little- I can’t do any wrong… I bet she was always the
teacher’s pet too,” Sara was waving her hips and her shoulders in opposite
directions as she spoke.

I
wanted to punch her. She was just awful. I was so mad I started to cry. I
turned around and stomped away.
 
I
couldn’t let her see the tears. I don’t know why every time I get mad like that
I cry.
 
I spotted Erin coming out of
the house as I hurried away through the garden to a bench swing in the midst of
a patch of lilies. I had just plopped down on the cushioned swing when Ellie
came around the path behind me. I was so upset that I hadn’t even realized that
she followed me. I just wanted to be alone. And it looked as if Erin was headed
our way too.

“Go
away. I need to be alone.”

“Are
you all right? Really?” she came and sat down next to me uninvited and
unwanted.

“No,
you saw her, she attacked me.”

She
started laughing. “Poor you, huh?” she pushed at my leg. “You had nothing to do
with that, right? You didn’t provoke her…”

“No,
I didn’t. You were there the whole time. What is the matter with you? Why
didn’t you follow her, if you wanted to be her friend?” I had finally been let
free in the back yard… well as free as could be with those eight foot fences
and I was going to be terrorized by Sara… and now Ellie… what was this?

“Oh,
right, my mistake. I am sure her ‘exam’ was very pleasant and then she comes
out here and you start out with the witch and broom comment.”

“You
know what? I’ve had enough of this too.”

Erin
had just made it into the opening of the path. I ran to her and took her hand
and turned her to take her with me. “Why don’t you go buddy up to Sara, I am sure
she’ll appreciate your sympathy.”

“What
is the matter?” Erin asked me as soon as we were out of the earshot of Ellie.

“Sara
shoved me and called me names, and she is defending her.” I pulled her toward
the grassy area I could see farther beyond the garden. “I can’t take any more
of them.”
 

When
we reached the lush green grass I flung myself out backwards and stared up at
the puffy clouds floating lazily across the blue sky. Erin sat down beside to
me.

“What
did you have to do?” I was curious. I couldn’t help it. I heard her exhale and
I felt bad for asking. “You don’t have to answer. I’m sorry for being nosy.” I
sat up and picked a handful of grass.

“It’s
ok,” she said.
 
“It was like a pap
smear. It just hurt more. But, it was nice to know that it was to make sure we
weren’t hurt from yesterday. I guess the medicine is used a lot in Europe but
new here in the U.S.”

I
was a little confused, but, didn’t want to seem stupidly naïve. “Did you have
sex yesterday, Erin?”

She
was looking down at these tiny white flowers that were growing in the grass. If
I hadn’t been staring at her I might have missed the slight nod of her head.

“With
who? I didn’t see, I ran in the bedroom.”

“Daddy.”
Her face was really red.

It
was surprising, the rush of jealously that shot through me. As if I had any
right to dictate who he did anything with. And yet, I also felt disappointed.
Why didn’t he finish with me? I was thankful he didn’t send me to one of the
Uncles, but… was he thinking of keeping sweet little Erin as his own?

I
didn’t mean to but it slipped out before I could pull the words back in.
 
“Why didn’t he finish me? Was it your
first time Erin?”

“No,
but I overheard him say he wasn’t sure what he was going to do with you…
because you were pure.
 
He said it
could make you worth more.”

I
threw the small handful of grass I had been picking into the air. “Was it
awful?”

Erin
still didn’t look at me. She seemed to give it a lot of thought and before she
could answer we were called in for lunch. I didn’t want to go back in the
house. I didn’t know when we would be allowed out again. We walked as slow as
we dared and finally halfway back Erin answered.

“It
was bad, but Daddy didn’t seem to be as rough as the Uncles were. He didn’t
give me pleasure like you. I think you were the only one because you are a
virgin. Maybe he didn’t want you to be terrified all together? I don’t know.”

“Hurry
up! We are only waiting on you two,” Uncle Matt came to the door and hustled us
in to have our hands and faces washed.

Later,
I was cuddled up with my heart shaped pillow thinking about the conversations
I’d had. It was nap time and we were not allowed to talk amongst ourselves. I
had my nose buried under my covers. And of course the covers right up around my
ears. I was tucked in snug and comfy just the way I liked. So, I almost missed
it… the hiss directed toward me.

“
Spsst
…
Livvy
…”

I
looked up quickly to see where it came from. Caity was in the bed directly
across from mine and Sara was across from Erin’s, Erin’s on the same side as
mine. It took a minute to draw attention to herself, because she wasn’t sitting
up or anything. But, Sara’s eyes were open and when my eyes found hers she
started to whisper.

“About
today… I just wanted to say I was wrong about what I said about you.”

“Really?”
I couldn’t believe it, and I started to feel really bad… until she went on.

“Yes,
I called you a princess… teacher’s pet… I should’ve said royal fucking
highness.”

“You
stupid Bitch! I hate you!” I was out of the bed and on her in a flash. I don’t
know what I was doing I have never been a fighter. She brought out the worst in
me.

But
she didn’t lay there and take it, she was up fast too. Honestly neither of us
got to do more than push each other and pull some hair because Uncle Tommy was
right there almost as soon as we got to each other.

We
were pulled apart and lectured on our way out of the room. In the hall, Uncle
Chris and Matt were right there. Uncle Matt pulled me away from Uncle Tommy and
followed his lead. Uncle Tommy was smacking Sara’s rear, scolding her about
language, friendship and naptime, all the while heading toward the office.

It
was spanking in stereo. My butt was screaming as Uncle Matt laid it open to the
timing of Uncle Tommy’s lecture. He had my left arm in his steely grip marching
right alongside of me spanking with each step. I was on tip-toes, back arched
as far forward as I could, trying to get out of his reach. But, it was no use.
And finally, we were in Daddy’s office in the presence of him and Dr. Ross.