A Little Ray of Sunshine (17 page)

“No,” he said. “I get it.”

I lowered my hand and forced myself to meet his eye. “You do?”

He shrugged. “As much as I ever get what you say. Sure.”

“Fair enough. Look, Luke, I want to be someone who can see you be happy and let that be about you. So I’m not going to have a date tomorrow, and that’s okay. I’ll probably drink a lot, but you know, that’s tradition at Mom’s weddings anyway.” I took a deep breath. “So, Claire. She makes you happy?”

His eyebrows knit for a second, then he laughed lightly and said, “She’s making me really happy right now. Sure.”

I blinked. “Okay, I don’t know what that means, but it doesn’t matter, because this moment is about you. I just... I want you to be happy, Luke.”

His smile faded. “All right. Thanks.”

We stood there, staring at each, for far too long. The silence mounted between us, and the longer it went on, the harder it was to break. I reached out to touch his hand, but then I had second thoughts and drew away just as he started to reach back. We both laughed uncomfortably, and then I stepped back and gave a short wave. He waved back, pushed off the doorjamb, and stood in the open doorway for a long moment before finally closing the door.

“
Ohgodohgodohgodohgod
,” I breathed as I skittered down his driveway to my truck. I opened the driver’s-side door and caught movement in the curtains of the yellow house, and shouted, “Thanks a lot, Mrs. Pope!”

The curtains fell closed again.

“Big tattletale,” I muttered, then got in my truck and left.

***

“There’s nothing more lovely than a wedding,” says ex-child star Lilly Lorraine (Twinkie from Baby of the Family.) “They make me so happy, and hopeful. A wedding says there’s more to be done, to be experienced. Happiness is still within reach on a wedding day.” It’s not surprising Lilly’s so fond of weddings; she’s planning her fifth as of this writing.

—Lilly Lorraine, quoted in “Repeat Offenders: Why Marriage and Hollywood Just Don’t Mix.” Author: Catherine Michaels.
People, 18 April 1991

Fifteen

My mother’s wedding day started with a semiformal pajama breakfast featuring Belgian waffles, fresh strawberries, scones, clotted cream, tea and mimosas. After getting back from Luke’s, I found a formal invitation laid out on my bed, along with the silk cherry pajamas she’d bought me on that first day, a white silk robe, and a pair of silk Chinese slippers to match. When I came down to breakfast, which had been moved from the formal dining room to the back deck in a nod to the nice weather, everyone else was already there. It was wedding party only, though, so I was spared the torture of seeing Luke’s lovely Claire in a jaunty negligee. Thank heaven for small favors.

Mom and Danny sat next to each other at the head of the round table, Mom in a pair of bright red oriental-style pajamas, and Danny wearing navy blue silk. Jess was on Mom’s other side, wearing a yellow satin nightgown with a coordinated robe over it sporting yellow ducks, which looked really cute on her. Digs was next to Jess in a t-shirt and a pair of flannel lounge pants, and Luke was on his other side, wearing a green sweater and jeans. I raised an eyebrow at him.

“What, no Superman Underoos?” I asked as I pulled out the open seat between him and Danny. “I was so hoping to see them again.”

Luke smiled. “You would have, if they still fit.”

“Luke got a special dispensation because he has to drive for an hour immediately after this to pick up Claire,” Mom said quickly, as though it was no big deal that she knew who Claire was, which of course was information that stopped me short. Not only did she know who Claire was, but she knew that she lived an hour away. So, Luke cared enough about this Claire to drive an hour to see her. He wanted to see this Claire so badly that he was willing to drive—

No. Stop. She made him happy. That was all that mattered. Today was about Mom and Danny and Luke and Claire. And everyone who wasn’t me.

“You gonna sit down?” Digs asked, eyeing me from across the table. “Or should we just toss chunks of food into your open mouth?”

“Yeah,” I muttered, plunking myself down in the seat. “Sorry. It’s a little early for me.”

As soon as I sat down, Mom stood up. A single cloisonné barrette held her hair back, and her skin was lovely without makeup. She was beautiful the way brides should be beautiful on their wedding day, lit by a natural glow. She raised her glass, and we all followed suit.

“I know it’s not traditional for the bride to make a toast on her wedding day,” she said, “but I don’t care. It’s not traditional to get married eight times, either.”

I waited for everyone else to chuckle before I even smiled at that one. I planned to be on my best behavior all day, gracious and kind at all times, and not obsessing about Luke and Claire. I snuck a glance at Luke, and he caught me and raised an eyebrow. I reached for my mimosa and downed a large sip.

It was going to be a long day.

“I wanted to let you all know how much it means to me that you’re here today.” Mom touched Danny’s shoulder with her free hand, and he reached his up to rest on hers. The motions were so natural, you’d think they’d already been married for thirty years. “It’s taken me a long time to learn how important family is, but now that I have, I’m so grateful to be able to count you all as mine.” Her eyes got misty and she raised her glass a little higher. “That’s all.”

We all drank and she sat down. We passed around strawberries and cream and coffee. I tried to avoid contact with Luke as much as possible, and with the exceptions of the few times our elbows connected while passing and reaching, I managed to keep my focus on everyone else. Mostly Digs and Jess, who giggled and teased each other like a couple of kids. I realized at that moment that I’d been so obsessed with my own stuff the night before that I’d forgotten to warn Jess about Digs. I didn’t want to ruin her fun today, so that left finding a spare moment to threaten Digs, which I would be happy to do. The more distractions to keep my mind off of Luke and Claire, the better.

“Oh, look at the time,” Mom said, glancing at her watch. “It’s almost eleven. The party planners are going to be here to set up the deck.”

“Set up the deck?” I said, glancing around. “For what?”

Mom smiled. “The reception.”

“I thought that was just us,” I said, motioning around the table. I glanced at Luke and cleared my throat. “I mean, mostly just us.”

I caught a slight smile at the edge of Luke’s mouth as I glanced back toward Mom, and wondered briefly if he was enjoying my discomfort. Which, I guess he had a right to, but still. It was kinda mean, especially after I went all the way to his house last night in an attempt at being a grown-up. The least he could do was give me a little credit.

“Oh, it is,” Mom said, “for the wedding, the courthouse will only accommodate so many. But you need a few more people to have a real reception.”

“Oh,” I said, trying to keep the panic out of my voice. It was one thing to be alone while Luke had Claire when I had a limited number in the witness pool; having to deal with that at a big party where I wall-flowered it on the fringe was going to be torture. “Out of curiosity, about how many people are you expecting?”

“Oh, I don’t know. It’s still going to be pretty small.” She glanced at Danny. “What was it, Danny? Fifty people at last count?” She shrugged and turned her attention to me. “Although I’m planning for seventy-five. People just don’t RSVP the way they used to.” She paused off my expression. “I’m sorry, Emmy. Is that going to be a problem?”

“Oh, no. Just curious.” I grinned and reached for my mimosa glass, draining the last few drops.

“Well, as long as it’s just us now, I was wondering....” Jess shot me a quick glance, then put one hand on Mom’s shoulder. “Maybe we could give you your wedding gift now. I took some time to set it up in the study this morning, and I’m just so excited about it. Would that be okay?”

Mom’s face lit up and she clapped like a little girl on her birthday. “Oh, really? I’d love to see it!”

“Um, you know, maybe not... now,” I said, widening my eyes at Jess. “Maybe later. Or tomorrow. Or, you know, when do you get back from Italy?”

But Mom had already hopped up from her seat. The rest of the party followed suit, and I grabbed Jess by the elbow and yanked her back with me.

“What are you doing?” I asked in a harsh whisper.

“I’m sorry, EJ, I’m just so excited. And everyone’s here, so they can see what you did.”

“Yes,” I hissed. “That’s the problem.”

“It’ll be fine,” she said, patting my hand. “You’ll see.”

I trailed behind as everyone went into the study. By the time I got there, Mom was just approaching the bookcase, and Danny was reaching forward to switch on the gooseneck lamps.

“Oh, it’s so...” Mom stopped in mid-gasp, and stepped closer. Slowly, she knelt down to the bookcase, her fingers reaching out toward the painted tiles, but not touching them, as though she was afraid they might disappear if she did. Danny put one hand on Mom’s shoulder and leaned over to look. Digs and Luke shuffled closer as well. The room fell into silence.

The first person to look back at me was Luke, his expression a strange mix of pride and stuff I couldn’t read. Surprise, maybe. Sadness, definitely. I didn’t know if he was reacting to the fact that I’d done this at all, or that I still saw him the way he used to be, but then the pride took over, and his smile widened. I smiled back, then Digs reached out and ruffled my hair like I was a ten-year-old.

“Damn,” he said. “That’s cool. You done good, kid.”

“Thanks,” I said, pushing his hand away and smoothing my hair.

Jess let out a little squeal of excitement. “Aren’t they amazing? I almost died when she showed them to me last night.”

“I, uh, I figured you could use them for coasters. You can take them out and wash them, and there’s also a set of colored glass ones that will fit in, too. They’re a lot prettier.”

Mom stood up and turned to me, her eyes glistening with happy tears. She walked over to me, put both hands on either side of my face and kissed me on the forehead. It was an atypically maternal gesture for her to make, the kind of thing I’d wasted my entire childhood wishing for, and it cracked me a little. I blinked hard as she pulled away.

“It’s really no big deal,” I said quickly, but she shook her head and smiled.

“It’s beautiful,” she whispered, her voice breaking.

“No.” The emotion welled up inside me, cracking me some more. “You should really put the glass tiles in. These are—”

“They’re beautiful.”

“I’m not an artist,” I said. “I’m not talented. I’m not...” I sniffled. “The rest of the house is so sophisticated, and this is just kitsch.”

“It’s the most wonderful thing anyone has ever given me and if you say one more word against it, I will cut off your alcohol for the rest of the day. Don’t think for a moment I won’t.”

I burst out with a sharp laugh and followed it up with a sob. Hot tears spilled over my hand as I clamped it down across my mouth.

“Oh, dear,” my mother said.

“I”m fine,” I squeaked, then grabbed at the box of tissues on the desk. “This just happens sometimes.”

“Would you like some water?” Jess motioned to both Luke and Digs. “Let’s go get some water.”

She hurried out, Digs and Luke close on her heels.

Danny reached for me, gave me a quick hug, and kissed me on the top of my head. “I’m gonna leave you girls alone for a little while.”

He kissed Mom on the cheek and quietly left, shutting the door behind him. My mother leaned against the desk, shoulder to shoulder with me. “You okay, honey?”

“Yeah.” I wiped at my face. “It’s just... I thought you wouldn’t like it. I was prepared for you to be polite. I wasn’t prepared for you to actually, you know, like it.”

“I see.”

We went quiet, staring straight ahead, not looking at each other.

Then, finally, she spoke.

“I wasn’t very kind to you when you were growing up. I know that. I could explain it. I could tell you that I was afraid you wouldn’t like me so I was determined to not like you first. Or that I was afraid that I’d screw it all up, so I decided to end the torture and just fulfill the prophecy. But none of that changes any of the things I’ve said and done. I know that. All I can tell you now is that...” She put her hand to her chest and her voice tightened with tears. “This is the most wonderfully precious gift that anyone in the world will ever give to me, and it means so much to me that you would take the time and the effort to paint that... for me...” Her voice squeaked shut, and tears trailed down her cheek.

“Oh, hell.” I snatched a tissue off the box and handed it to her.

“We’re a sad pair, aren’t we?” she said.

“Like mother, like daughter.”

She pulled back and looked at me. “Do you think we’re alike?”

“That’s the rumor.”

She smiled, then reached up and pushed my hair out of my eyes. “Well. I hope for my sake it’s true.”

“Why?” I said. “I’m cranky, I’m rude, I have no social grace—”

“Stop it.”

I turned to look at her, and her eyes were steely, and a little angry.

“You are my daughter, and I won’t have you talk about yourself that way.” She paused, looking down at the tissues in her hands. “Things were bad for a while, after you left. Really bad. Danny had to come down to L.A. Sell the house for me. Drag me back up here like a child. I couldn’t...” She shook her head. “Then one day, Danny sat me down and asked me, ‘Is this the woman you want EJ to find when she comes back?’ And it was that day that I decided I wanted to be a mother you’d be proud to have. Someone brave, and smart, and honest. Someone like you.”

Our eyes met, and I felt the last of my defenses against her fall away. After all these years, the mother I’d always wished she could be was finally right in front of me, and for the first time in my memory, I loved her without reservation. My face contorted and my eyes overflowed like a damn fountain.

“Oh, damn it, Mom!” I wailed, grabbing more tissues. She put her arm around my shoulder and leaned her head against mine, and we both wept and laughed together for a while.

“Our eyes are going to be all puffy for the wedding pictures,” she said once we could both talk again.

“Yeah,” I laughed, dabbing at my face. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s fine.” She pushed herself up off the desk. “I have some Preparation H upstairs.”

I stared at her, hoping to God she was kidding. Judging by the expectant look on her face, she wasn’t.

“No,” I said. “I’m not putting butt cream on my face, Mom.”

“Oh, please,” she said, waving a hand in the air. “Don’t be so prim. Beauty queens do it all the time.”

She started for the door and I followed, tossing my handful of damp tissues into the garbage can as we went.

“Beauty queens super-glue their butt cheeks. I’m not taking advice from beauty queens.”

“Honestly, Emmy,” she said, as we stepped out of the study, “that’s twice you’ve used the word ‘butt’ in the last two minutes. Could you please find a better word?”

“Oh, I can think of
loads
of better words,” I said, and just like that, we were us again. Only this time, we were happy about it.