A Little Friendly Advice (15 page)

“Ruby, don’t feel bad for them. Look, they’re having fun.”

I shrug off his shoulder and try to walk through the gallery, but my eyes well up and pour out big fat tears. I am such an idiot.

Charlie puts his hand on my shoulder again but doesn’t let me shrug it off this time. Instead, he pushes me and tries to look me in the face. I drop my chin and try to bury myself in the collar of my jacket.

“What’s wrong?”

“She’s just using these poor people. She’s exploiting them because she thinks they don’t know better.”

“Well, yeah. A lot of her pictures are like that. But she doesn’t only take pictures of retarded people, Ruby. She did portraits of cross-dressers, midgets, and nudists — all kinds of crazy people. It’s like she was obsessed with weirdness.”

“But don’t you see? She’s not just showing us them, and the weird things or sad things about them. She’s forcing us to view things in a certain way. Her way.” I rub some of the tears out of my eyes. These pictures are making me feel terrible. I have to get out of here before I completely lose it. When I open them, Charlie takes a big open picture of my red wet face with my camera.

“What are you doing?” I shout, throwing my hands up and nearly knocking my camera out of his hands. The other people in the gallery turn and stare at us.

“I know it sounds crazy, but hurt and pain can be good things. They put us in touch with ourselves. Why do you think my dad is able to express himself so well though printing? Because he’s miserable.”

“I don’t want to be miserable! And I don’t want people manipulating me to feel a certain way!”

“No, of course not. But being able to look at something and have feelings is like a basic component of art.” He shakes his head. “Listen. I know you’re scared of feeling something, something you’re afraid everyone can see, but you can’t let that fear hold you back. It’s part of who you are.”

He shows me the picture of myself. And to my surprise, I don’t look like a complete mess. I look, well, alive. A hot rush of everything hits me at once. All the pictures and memories have been pulling me to this moment of actually looking at what’s happened. I’m not wearing a goofy face like a mask, or staging the perfect smile for someone else. I’m just being me.

Charlie leads me out of the gallery and over to the big lawn. I feel it’s about a million degrees, so I peel off my peacoat and scarf and leave them in a pile on the grass. He sits me down and waits for me to talk.

It doesn’t take long.

I open up and tell him everything. I tell him about Jim, about him leaving and how badly it messed me up. I tell him about all the other memories that have been holding me hostage. I tell him Jim’s staying in a hotel across town and that I’m not supposed to know it. I tell him that Beth has my letter. That she stole it. And I don’t know what to do.

Talking to Charlie is nothing like talking to Beth. He doesn’t nod or even shake his head. Best of all, he doesn’t interrupt with his take on things, or try to force me to see things from his point of view. He just listens. It’s amazing. And my mind, which usually shuts down or does what it’s told, spirals all over the place in a frenzy that is madness and liberation and relief.

For the first time, I admit out loud that maybe Beth doesn’t really know what’s good for me anymore. Once it’s out there, in the air, I know it’s true. It sounds true. It feels true. And while it’s totally sad, it also gives me courage to face what that really means.

I need to tell Beth that I know she has my letter.

While Mr. Eid takes attendance from behind his wooden podium and the rest of the kids in my homeroom joke around or finish their homework, I rip out a sheet of notebook paper and gnaw the cap of my pen.

After a ridiculous amount of deliberation, I scribble:

I fold the note into a tight triangle and put it in the front pocket of my hooded sweatshirt. Then I pull my book bag up on my lap and hug it tight. The pointy corners of my cardboard box poke through the nylon. As the clock on the wall ticks homeroom down the final minute, I second-guess myself and what I’m about to do.

The thing is, I decided that I didn’t want to call Beth out showdown style. I just want her to come clean about having the letter of her own accord, and if I have to lead her into admitting the truth, I’m okay with that.

Beth had left me a couple of messages last night to make sure I was feeling better and she dropped off my assignments to my mom when I went to bed early. It was really nice of her to go through all the trouble. I so wanted to trust her again. I hated having those kinds of feelings, and I knew they were ruining what was left of our friendship. Now that I was letting myself deal with the truth, the truth was that I still cared about what was left. I cared about her.

So I came up with a plan. I’d show Beth the box Jim left for me and play dumb. I’d pretend I didn’t know anything about his letter, and when I asked her what she thought about everything, she’d have to tell me about it, or at the very least give me a clue why she stole it in the first place.

Homeroom bell rings, and it’s time to head to first period. I go in the opposite direction of History, toward the English wing, where Beth’s classroom is, and plant myself in the doorway.

“Hi!” Beth says as she approaches. “What’s up? Couldn’t get enough of me on the ride to school?”

“For you.” I hand her the note and she smiles. Beth loves notes. I smile back, even though it feels like lying.

I’m walking back toward my classroom when a pair of hands covers my eyes from behind. I can tell who it is by the smell of gingerbread.

“Maria?”

“Ha!” she says, spinning me around. “So, you feeling any better? What’d you have — mono? Catch the make-out disease from your new boy?”

I fake cough for her. “Hardly. Just the flu.”

“Well, how are things going with Charlie?”

“Fine, I guess.” I watch Maria’s smile fade as I don’t give her any more details. I know she’d LOVE to hear the story of my Kent afternoon, about my crazy reaction to Diane Arbus, but I can’t say anything. It’s a wonder she still likes me. Our friendship is totally one-sided. “Well, I did invite Charlie to the party. Like you said.”

“And did he say yes?”

I nod and smile. Maria nearly knocks me over with a huge hug.

“Only thing is … I haven’t asked Beth yet if he can come.”

“She’s not going to care. She’ll be happy for you.”

“I don’t know. Remember how weird she got during the car ride when you first mentioned it?”

She puckers her lips. “Whatever. I think I’m going to invite Davey, even though she thinks I’m wasting my time on him. You know, we still haven’t kissed? I don’t know what’s wrong with him. Maybe he really does just want to be friends.”

“He’s probably nervous. Because you’re, you know … so
experienced
.” I bite on my fingernail. “Wait. That came out wrong.”

Maria just laughs. “No, I get it. Maybe that’s it. I doubt Davey’s kissed many girls. He’s kind of quiet and shy, like you.” She shakes her head. “Anyhow, I don’t think you have anything to worry about with Beth. But tell her in front of me, if you want. I’ll act so excited that she definitely won’t say anything negative.”

I could hug her. I do hug her. “Thanks, Maria.”

A thought flashes across my brain like lightning. I pull back a chunk of thick black hair from her ear and lean in. “Hey,” I whisper. “Do me a favor, okay, and meet me in the library during lunch. There’s something I want to talk to you about.” I let her hair fall back and spot a tall blond girl strutting down the hallway toward us, looking pissed as usual. “And don’t tell Katherine.”

Maria looks pretty surprised, but also encouraging. She gives my arm a squeeze. “That’s so funny! I was just going to ask you what we were doing for Beth’s birthday. ’Cause since it falls on a Saturday, we’ll have to decorate her locker and all that stuff tomorrow.”

“Oh,” I say, having totally spaced. “Right.” I’m so glad Maria reminded me. If I messed that up, Beth would never let me live it down. She takes that kind of stuff really seriously. Thank God I still have an extra day to prepare.

“Wait. You wanted to talk to me about something else?” Now Maria looks really interested.

“Umm, yeah, kind of.”

Maria notices me watching Katherine get closer and closer. She gives me a discreet little wink. “Okay! See you in the library.”

I walk away feeling nervous, but also glad I invited her along. Maria’s reaction to the box full of junk might work in my favor. Beth wouldn’t be able to get as pushy as she does sometimes when we’re alone. And it will be nice to finally show Maria that I really do consider her a friend too.

Once the lunch bell rings, I pack up my books and head to the library. It’s not that crowded, only a table or two of overzealous freshmen who already wear sweatshirts from their Ivy Leagues of choice. I make my way inconspicuously to the back stacks, near the 1970s encyclopedia sets that no one uses anymore.

I sit down on the carpet with my book bag in my lap and wait for them to arrive.

Beth is first. She plops down next to me and gives me a big, tender hug. I smile at her and look down at my lap, trying to rally my courage. She pins back the front pieces of her hair and gives me a few seconds to start talking on my own. When I don’t say anything, she looks a little bit annoyed.

“Soooo,” she draws out, “you’ve got me totally freaking worried all morning. I couldn’t even concentrate on my bio quiz. And now you’re going to make me pull it out of you?”

“Wait a second and I’ll explain everything.”

Beth’s top lip curls up, exposing her fleshy pink gums. “Wait? For what?”

If this were the old days, Beth would be the only one I needed. I know she’s not going to like having to share the stage with someone else. Just then, Maria rounds the corner. Beth looks surprised to see her, but quickly wipes the look off her face.

“Hey,” Maria says, sliding down on the floor next to me. She’s got a skirt on but she doesn’t even try to close her legs. I guess it’s because she’s wearing tights.

“Okay,” I say, my voice quivering. I unzip my bag and pull out the cardboard box. I’m instantly as upset as I was when I first looked inside it. “I found this on my front stoop yesterday.”

“What’s that?” Beth asks. Her voice isn’t curious. It’s defensive.

“It’s from Jim,” I say, trying not to look directly at Beth.

“Really?” Maria asks, biting her lip. She puts her hand near the box slowly, as if it were hot. “Can I —”

“Yeah,” I say. “Go ahead.”

I lean back on my hands while Beth and Maria tilt forward, poring over the contents of the box.

“Why didn’t you call me back last night and tell me this had happened?” Beth asks. She raises two fists full of stuff and then lets it fall.

I shrug. “I didn’t know what to make of it all.”

“Maybe this box wasn’t even meant for you,” Beth says. “Maybe this was for your mom.” It’s a ridiculous thing to say and she knows it. Before I can answer her, Maria pushes the flap of the box down and points to the place where Jim carved
RUBY
in blue pen. “Oh.” She says it kind of annoyed.

“Did he leave a note or anything?” Maria asks me.

“Nope.” I glance at Beth out of the corner of my eye, but she just adjusts her position on the carpet and stays quiet.

Maria looks to me and Beth, silently asking for permission to give her opinion. She’s being so respectful and careful about everything. I nod and tell her to go ahead.

“Well, I think it’s safe to say that your dad … Jim … whatever you want to say, must still be in Akron somewhere. And he seems pretty intent on talking to you. So I guess we should figure out where he is and take you there, and you either sit down and hear what he has to say, or tell him off for good.”

This is exactly the discussion I want to have. But before I can say anything, Beth puts her hand on my knee and shakes her head dismissively at Maria. “If he really wanted to see her, he would have told her where to find him. Sorry, but I think this is just a passive-aggressive way to mess with her head.” She stretches her arms. “Like I’ve been saying all along, you should just forget him.”

My mouth drops open as Beth holds up the silver watch to her ear and listens for a nonexistent ticking. I can’t believe she’s still lying! “But what if he has something important to tell me?” I ask.

She actually laughs. “What? Like why he left? Why he never bothered to call?” Beth rolls her eyes. “What kind of enlightening tidbit do you think you’re going to get, Ruby? And more important, is knowing that really going to help you?”

“It’ll be closure.”

“Closure? I thought you
had
closure. It all seems like a pretty done deal to me.”

I look at Maria. She’s just thumbing through the box stuff over and over. I know she’s afraid to get into this. She might even regret that I asked her here in the first place.

“Well, I was talking to Charlie …”

“What?” Beth asks quietly. “So you told Charlie about the box right away, but you didn’t think to call me?” She rolls her eyes. “Honestly, Ruby. I don’t really care what your boyfriend of approximately two days has told you to do. I’m the only one here who has been by your side this whole time, helping you put your life back together.” She tosses items lying around on the carpet back inside the box. “Listen, maybe this makes me sound like a jerk, but I’m kind of tired of saying the same stuff to you over and over again. You’re either going to listen to me or do what you want. And that’s fine, but I’m not going to waste my energy anymore trying to help you if you’re just going to ignore what I say.”

“I don’t get it,” I say, because I honestly can’t believe what I’m hearing. This is worse than any lie she could have told me. “Are you giving me an ultimatum?”

Maria clears her throat. “I think what Beth’s trying to say is that she just doesn’t want you to get hurt again. None of us do, Ruby.”

“What’s this? Some kind of powwow?” I glance up and Katherine is standing right in front of us. She looks pissed. “Who called this little meeting?” Maria’s eyes fall to her lap, but Beth stares right in my direction. “Thanks for inviting me, Ruby!”

I can’t shove the box into my book bag quick enough.

Katherine leans against a bookshelf and sneers. “I’ve been looking all over for you guys. But, seriously, Ruby. What’s with the diss? I’m not cool enough for your little show-and-tell?”

I stand up first. Katherine tries to block my way, her body filling the open space between two stacks of books, but I just duck under her arm and keep walking, like she doesn’t even exist.