A Little Bit of Us (15 page)

     So who was in bed with me when I woke up? Is it possible I dreamt it? “Where’s Lucas?” James points to the couch where Lucas is sprawled on his belly, fully clothed and fast asleep. I shake my thoughts free of my mind, I definitely dreamt it. This pregnancy is making me go crazy. Bump. Yes, we haven’t forgotten about you. “She’s kicking.”

    James instantly takes to my side and places his hands on my belly, “When I found out we were having a girl instead of a boy, I was rather disappointed.” I never did ask him how he felt, I’m so self-centered it’s unreal. “But now, now I’m liking the idea even more.” Bump, bump. He laughs once and goes to his knees. “Hey baby.” After kissing me twice on my round naval he stands and ushers Amelia into the kitchen.

     I turn and reach for the remote on the coffee table, my eyes catch Lucas’. What’s that expression on his face? After realizing how many different things I’ve missed out on by not paying attention to people’s body language I’ve started studying the people around me
as best as I can. I can’t tell if Lucas’ expression is pained or just overly tired though, he’s not very expressive.

     “Morning,” I smile and sit by his feet. “So, tell me about last night.”

     “It’s nothing to worry about,” I don’t push, because it’s none of my business and it’s clear he doesn’t want to talk about it, they both came back safe and I trust them to make the right choices and tell me if they get themselves into any kind of trouble, I’m not their keeper. “What happened with the kids?”

     Oh yeah, I almost forgot. So I tell him the story, I release my pent up anger about the situation by beating him over the head a few times with a scatter cushion. He laughs the entir
e time and even ends with, “See? It wasn’t that bad.” My clothes from the day before are ruined. Fortunately I had a pair of sweats and a sweater left behind so it’s not all bad. He stops laughing and covers his head whilst I beat him some more.

     We all sit and eat cereal in silence, the men seem to be having some kind of silent conversation. Even Amelia picks up on the tension
and like me, she knows not to ask. When she leaves the room I clear our bowls and block the doorway. “What’s wrong?”

     “Nothing,” James smiles at me and glances at Lucas. “Just a little sibling rivalry.”

     “Yeah,” Lucas agrees with a nod and smiles reassuringly at me. I’m far from reassured.

Amen to that.

     I throw my hands up in defeat, “Fine, whatever. Come on. We have to
go home and get ready for work.” I elbow James in the ribs and grab my coat. “My flour, water and egg covered clothes are in the washing machine.” I give Lucas a tight hug. “Call me if you need me.”

     He wraps his arms around me and kisses my head before finally releasing me. Time for another long boring day at work.

     “But look Maya,” Summer sighs happily and thrusts a third catalogue into my lap. “Little pink baby boots.”

     I look at the picture of the tiny shoes, “These are like the ones I saw a cat wearing on a video on YouTube. Awesome.”

    “So we can get them?”

    “Go nuts,” I say for the twelfth time and watch Summer scribble frantically on an order form. “Can we watch a movie now?”

     “No,” she and Marie state together. Jessica didn’t come, what the hell is her problem? I’m not texting her again. “You need to go out with James and pick a pushchair,” Summer says and James nods in agreement. “You need, diapers, lotions, shampoos, so many different things. Are you breast feeding or bottle feeding?”

     So much information, my head’s going to explode! “Umm…”

     “Breast,” James answers for me. Tit-less man say what? “It’s best.”

     Summer glares at me, “Will you read the damn baby books?”

     “Fine!” last minute though, or never. I’ll say whatever to appease these people right about now. “I’m hungry. I need to pee and my heartburn is pissing me off.”

     “I’ll order,” Marie offers, she even raises her hand.

     “And no way in hell is a baby wrapping his lips around my nipple,” I give a determined nod and pop a Renee into my mouth. They all sigh. What? What did I do now? If they don’t like my answers to their questions then they shouldn’t ask.

     “Marie met a guy,” Summer says with a smirk. “She’s actually fucked him more than three times!” We all know Marie has a three night limit. She got her heart broken pretty badly in college first year, since then she’s had her fun. So this news is huge.

     “He’s great in bed,” Marie shrugs. A thought occurs and my nose crinkles, “It’s not Lucas is it?”

     “No!” she gasps and shakes her head frantically. “God no. He’s great and everything but it would make everything weird. Plus he’s not my type. What with Amelia and everything. She’s a great kid but I’d make a terrible step mother.” True that. “You found your dream house yet Summer?”

     Her shoulder’s sag and she shakes her head no.

     “You’ll find it,” I pat her hand fondly.

     “Oh my god, you never guess who I saw earlier!”
Summer exclaims.

     “Do tell,” Marie tucks her legs beneath her as if in preparation for the gossip.

     “Remember that gigolo Maya hired for me a few years back?”

     Oh shit. James bursts out laughing, “She didn’t?”

     “She thought she was doing me a favor.”

     I shrug my shoulders, “Apparently her moaning about never getting laid can’t be solved by money.”

     Marie gets a wistful look on her face and lets out a shudder, “That guy was fine!”

     “Yeah, well he’s fat now and he drives a cab.”

     “No shit?” I laugh. She nods with a huge grin and continues, “Yeah, he fell in love and had to stop due to his girlfriend not liking to share.”

     We all go “
Aww,” at the same time and start cackling. James sighs with an eye roll. Ever predictable James.

    
Why does someone so young wear such awful glasses? “So, they left you with three children?” I nod in reply. “Did any of said children become ill in your care?” Well, no, but… “Did any of those children become injured in your care?” I guess not but… “And did said children leave with smiles on their faces?” Well, yeah, but… “Did they ask to come back one day?” Umm… “I’ll take that look as a yes. So tell me Maya. What is the problem?”

     “I shouldn’t be left alone with children.”

     “Why?”

     “Because I’m irresponsible and immature and I know nothing about kids.”

     “So if there was a fire your first priority wouldn’t be to get the kids to safety?” She quirks an eyebrow and smirks.

     I gape, “Well of course…”

     “And when hungry would you feed them?” Duh… “If they needed the toilet would you have helped them without moaning?” Of course! I’m not a monster. “And if they got poorly what would you do?”

     “Define poorly.”

     “Fever, sickness, etc.”

     “Of course I’d give them medicine, try to cool their temperature and if their fever got bad I’d take them to the hospital! I’m not an idiot.”

     She grins wickedly, like the cat that got the mouse, me being the mouse, “So remind me why you shouldn’t look after children?” Sigh.

     “I give up,” she’s right, ok. I’m not saying it out loud I’m not giving her the satisfaction!
She knows it, James knows it and I know it. That’s enough people who know it.

     “
So tell me why it is you say you don’t like kids because part of me is certain that you do like them but you think you shouldn’t like them and honestly I can’t figure out why.”

     James nods slowly, his green eyes are lit up with excitement of tackling the Maya riddle, “Same reason she doesn’t like the thought of marriage but ended up loving it. Because she thinks she needs freedom.”

     “Maya, what’s your definition of freedom. What is freedom to you?”

     Well that’s obvious, “Being able to go where I want when I want. Being able to choose something without asking permission from another. Screwing who I want when I want.”

     The dear old doc grins again, I hate that smile… Gah. It says, I know something about you! “Well,” her fingers steeple beneath her chin. “Did you not get that freedom when you were married to James?” I guess. “And let’s be realistic Maya, you don’t screw who you want when you want. You’ve slept with how many?”

     “I’m her fifth
. I’m not sure if she slept with anyone after we divorced.” James responds for me, I snigger when the dear old doc silences him with a look. She’s good at those looks. This one says, ‘I’m talking to Maya. Zip it.’

     “Five
,” I avoid James’ eyes. “Still five. But I did have three on the go at one point.”

     “And your first was this Paul character?” James stiffens beside me at
the sound of his name. “How long did you and Paul have a relationship for?”

     “It wasn’t a relationship. We were never exclusive. But for arguments sake we first slept together when I was nineteen and continued fucking until a week before my wedding.
What’s your point?”

     “My point is, before James you weren’t free to sleep around, you slept with the same person. Because you are responsible, you slept with someone you could trust, you slept with someone you cared about. You were in an open relationship therefore the responsibility to each other was minimal. That wasn’t you exercising your rights as a free person. That was you exercising your rights to enjoy sex with no strings attached. With James you got
all of that plus more. You let him in because you wanted to. You took responsibility of your choices and made a proper marriage with him.”

    
And again. “What’s your point?”

     “My point is you twist everything in your mind to make yourself look like the bad guy, what James did is not your fault,” James tenses again. “It was his fault, his choice not yours. So don’t forgive him based on the fact you think it was your choices that led him to that decision. To make this work you need to forgive him for what he did being on his own shoulders. Forgive him because he made that mistake all on his own. Yes your choices may have contributed but that doesn’t make you the bad guy.
And the fact you assume irresponsibility when it comes to children is because you think of yourself as the bad guy.” Ok. Not sure what to say to that. “Now tell me about your mom.” Fuck.

     “
She left when I was a baby, there’s nothing to say about her.”

     “Have you ever thought of looking her
up?” NO! “I’ll take that frustrated look as a no. Is it something you’d consider?”

     I shake my head, “No way in hell.
I’ve got no interest in her.”

     “But you just said she left when you were a baby. How would you know?”

     James raises his hand like a child in school, “Her father told me she was a complete waste of a woman.”

     He what?

      “Great stuff, moving on,” I snap and give him a glare the devil would be proud of me for.

      “So she didn’t leave when you were a baby?” dear old doc asks. I’m glaring at her now, “I don’t want to talk about this. EVER. Do you understand?”

     The doc shakes her head, “It would help you if you did.”

    I know that look, it’s one of determination mixed with a little pity. “Let me just clarify that woman means nothing to me and never will. Now drop it and move on.”

     “You seem to feel quite strongly about a woman you claim you don’t care to meet?”

     I l
ift an eyebrow and laugh once, “Because she hasn’t bothered to get in touch with me. That answer enough for you?”

     “Moving on,” the good old doc announces. “So, how’s your sex life?”

     “Well we finally had sex,” James grins mischievously and takes my hand. This conversation just took a complete one eighty, not that I’m complaining. “We didn’t share a bed afterwards.”

     I snigger and that opens a whole can of worms. He tells her of what I did, I tell her about seeing bony blonde in a store and what she said. James is pissed that I didn’t tell him. I’m not sure why I didn’t. Maybe I’m compartmentalizing it all again.
I really need to stop doing that.

     “So, why exactly is it you could have sex after seeing
her that would make some people worse?”

     “I think it was the fact I got reassurance that he hadn’t been seeing her,” shrugging I lean forward and sip my water. “Plus she’s like totally hideous and doesn’t compare to all of this.”

     James chuckles and puts his arm around my shoulders, he kisses my temple. “That is one hundred and ten percent true.” We share a smile and any tension I had is relieved in this one simple gesture of love. “I want her to take me back.”

     “Of course you do.
Give her time.” Apparently I’m not here again.

     We got home that night and prepared for Thanksgiving. Unfortunately James won out and I’m now dressing for his mom’s dinner where there should be a fair amount of people attending.
People I don’t know.

     “Zip me up,” I point to the back of my deep green dress that floats over the top of my belly from under my boobs. “Please.”

     James attaches his cufflinks to his grey shirt and quickly zips me. His arms then wind around me and large hands rest on my pudgy. I sigh when his lips touch the curve of my neck. “You look beautiful.” He flicks the brown chopsticks that are holding my hair up. “And these are adorable.”

     “I feel bloated,” I grumpily moan and rest my head back against his shoulder. Bump.
Right now? Really?

     “She’s very active at the moment, I can’t wait until we can see her move.”

     “You can see her move?” I squeal and look down at the small bump.

     “Read the baby books.”

     I will, soon…

You keep saying that.

And I’ll keep saying it until I’ve read them.

Sigh.

My own brain just sighed at me. I’m not going to comment… It’s too weird.

     “You’re not supposed to wear heels,” James frowns at the four inch spikes that match my dress to perfection. “It’s only for a few hours. I’ve not worn heels in weeks.”

     He throws his arms out in defeat, “Whatever. Come on, we have to go and get Lucas and Amelia.”

     We pull up outside of Lucas’ apartment and wait, James sends him a text and soon enough they are climbing in the car. Amelia looks adorable wearing a gorgeous red dress that flares out at the waist and little fluffy
shawl is wrapped around her shoulders. She even has tiny sparkly black shoes on. Lucas is in a suit rather similar to James’ he looks dashingly handsome.

     “Well look at you,” I grin at Amelia and tug on her curls. “You look gorgeous.” I wink at Lucas. “Wow, you’re going to impress the ladies tonight Lucas.”

     He lowers his head and I watch his cheeks turn pink, that’s so cute.

     “Leave the man alone Maya,” James bites out and puts the car into drive. “Let’s go. Mom will kill us if we’re late.”

     “Oh the horror,” I giggle sarcastically. Bump. You know, that’s still as annoying as it was the first hundred times you did it today. “How much longer do I have left until the baby is out?”

     James hand automatically goes to my pudgy, “Eighteen weeks.” Shit, is that it?

     I sat with James last weekend and watched him set up the nursery with Kyle that was fun to see. They didn’t have a clue what they were doing and ended up calling Lucas who got the entire room of furniture set up in less than an hour. I have to admit it does look good, like something you’d see in a catalogue rather than in your own home.

     The room is beige and James spent the day sticking stencils and prints of stuffed animals on the walls. I mentioned the fact we should just pay someone to do it but he said he wanted to do it himself and to be honest he did a fab job. Unfortunately I’ve been roped into doing the laundry side of things. I washed all of the many clothes and bedding and blankets and such and then the girls and James put it all away. At least I did something.

You only hyperventilated six times. Proud of you.

     I can’t help it, the whole baby thing is really freaking me out. As you already know. It’s just getting worse the more realistic it becomes.

     As expected his moms place is full of people I don’t know nor do I care to know. James leads us straight into the living area and sits us down. I instantly become bored, my belly instantly becomes starved as it registers the gorgeous scents lingering in the air as food and starts growling like a caged lion. Amelia has vanished with some of James’ relatives that I’m sure were at our wedding. Lucas is sat next to me looking as uncomfortable and out of place as I feel.

     “Want to go get some air?” I ask him. He hops up quicker than a flash, take
s my hand and leads me out onto the deserted terrace. It’s cold and I can see my breath in the night air but it’s better than being inside around all of the chatter. “How are you doing? I’ve not seen you since last weekend.”

     He smiles and drapes
his jacket over my shoulders. We both lean on the railing that separates us from plummeting to our deaths. “I’m good. Amelia’s good. Work’s good. Life’s good.”

     “That’s a lot of good,” Grinning at him I lean into him, he puts his arm around my shoulders. “I’ve got heartburn.”

     He reaches around me and into his pocket and pulls out a packet of Renee, I could kiss him. “I figured you might need some.” How thoughtful, I chew on one of the little white mint tasting tablets with a sigh of relief. “How are you and James?”

     “I dunno,” honestly I don’t. “He’s not pushing me which is great but I’m not sure where we’re at right now. The whole thing still angers me. You know?”

     “Yeah, my wife always brought it up whenever we argued. It drove me mad. Don’t get like that it only makes things worse because not only are you reminding James you’re reminding yourself.”

     That makes sense. He gives me a squeeze and kisses my head, “I’m loving the chopsticks in your hair. Very adorable.”

     “Why thank you kindly sir,” I look up at him through my lashes and grin. “So, no news to report? Nothing you want to tell me?”

     He looks momentarily startled and his body goes tense. “Nope. Why?”

     “I guess we’ll just stand in silence then. My life’s as boring as yours sounds right about now. Even work isn’t as fulfilling as it used to be. Everything just seems so forced right now.”

     His hand goes to my stomach
and his green eyes meet mine, “You can do this. You’re a natural. Don’t let fear get in the way of being you Maya. You’ve got me, James, Marie, Sylvia, the list is endless. You’ll never go at this alone.” His free hand cups my cheek. I lean into it feeling more reassured