A Little Bit of Everything Lost (17 page)

She imagined he would say this because when they were together, he was always the one to take control, to make the decisions. She did know that much about him. She dreamed he would open his arms to her, and she would fall into him, safe and secure once again.

“Look, I love you. I think we could make this work. Let’s have the baby, and we’ll see how it goes.”

And everything would be okay. Perfect even. The whole scenario made so much sense, and after thinking about it, she decided she would have to call his house. She was sure there must be a logical reason he hadn’t gotten in touch with her, and she knew once she spoke with him, once they saw one another again, she knew Joe would make the decision for them, would make the decision she wanted him to make.

This thought finally enabled Marnie some much-needed sleep.

And then, in the middle of the night, Marnie woke with a start, and tried to shake away thoughts of what she knew he would really say if she told him she was pregnant.

“You have to get rid of it.”

Marnie knew she would do whatever he wanted her to do.

Chapter Thirty-Six
The Pregnancy – March 2004

The boys jabbed at each other, Trey kicking the back of the driver’s seat while Marnie concentrated on the road, which was black and slick with rain. She shouldn’t have been out in such bad weather but she had been stuck in the house all winter long, so she had taken the boys out to Red Robin, for burgers and bottomless fries. Stuart was flying over God only knew what cities. Or rather, at this point in the evening, he was probably relaxing in a four-star hotel room after having a fabulous dinner, maybe a filet and steamed asparagus, with Hollandaise sauce. Marnie couldn’t remember the last time she ate a good meal. Bottomless fries now sank heavily in the pit of her stomach thanks to Red Robin.

Ugh.

Marnie shouldn’t begrudge him. She knew if given the choice, he’d rather be right here in this car with his family. Or maybe not, not after the way things had been.

“I’m better at Gargoyle Hunt!” Trey yelled, still kicking the back of the driver’s seat. Marnie cringed.

“Yeah, right. Whatever,” Jeremy replied.

“Mom, Jeremy just stuck his middle finger up in the air!”

“Jeremy Matthew!” Marnie yelled, momentarily taking her eyes from the road to shoot Jeremy a look. “When we get home… ”

When we get home, what? She’d do exactly what she always did. Give them a shower, put them to bed, throw in a load of laundry, go over the proofs from her last photo shoot and schedule the next appointments. Oh, and think for two minutes that yes, she’s pregnant, her husband is furious about it and hasn’t spoken one word about it to her and she has no idea what the future holds for any of them.

“I know the middle finger means you hate God!” Trey continued. “It means you are swearing to God, and saying bad words in your head!”

“Boys! Knock it off.” Marnie said. She was exhausted, and in no mood to start the yelling that would be involved with this issue. But then Trey began to cry.

“Mommy! Jeremy hates God! Why does he hate God? That’s the meanest thing in the entire world for him to ever do! Peter Tath said so. It means you will go to H-E-double hockey sticks for putting up the middle finger, and even though what Jeremy did was so bad, I don’t want him to go there!”

“You’re such a baby.” Jeremy said, which only made Trey cry more.

“Jeremy! When we get home, you are to go straight to your room, and I will be in there to discuss this with you. Trey, your brother is not going to hell. No one is going to hell. Now please, both of you be quiet for the rest of the way home so I can concentrate on driving in this rainstorm or we will crash and we will all die and Daddy will come home to have no family!”

As soon as she said this, Marnie realized it was a huge mistake and Trey’s tears turned into full-on sobs, and Jeremy started to cry too. She didn’t know what in the hell she was doing. She didn’t know what right she had in raising children at all if this was the type of stuff she was saying to her kids to try to calm them down. And now she had a car full of fearful crying little boys who thought they were all going to die and go to hell. And a baby on the way.

Dear God, she had a baby on the way.

What in God’s name was she doing?

Chapter
Thirty-Seven
October 1988

Marnie’s hand shook as she dialed the number. As she was about to hang up after the fifth ring, a feisty female Italian voice answered.

“Hello?”

It had to be Joe’s grandmother from the bakery. Of course she would remember Marnie, but hadn’t Joe said she was showing signs of the onset of Alzheimer’s? But Marnie was the only girl he’d ever taken to the bakery, he had said so that day. His grandmother would have to remember her.

“Hello?” she asked again.

“Hi, I was wondering if I… ” Marnie hesitated, searching for the right words.

“Who’s calling?”

“Uh, um. I was… I’m a friend of Joe’s.” Marnie’s voice quivered and she wondered if this was a bad idea. Then she figured she might as well get it over with. She was taking up this woman’s time by stuttering into the phone.

“I was wondering if Joe happened to be home?”

“What, honey?”

“Joe?” Marnie asked, lifting her voice so the old woman could understand her. “I’m wondering how I may get in touch with Joe?”

“Oh! Joey!” the woman suddenly caught on. “Honey, Joey’s at school.”

“Yes, I know… I was… ”

“I can give him a message next time I talk to my Joey.”

“Please, yes. Do you have some paper?”

“Oh honey! I’m not that senile yet. Let me just find a pencil. Go ahead, what’s the message?”

“Will you please tell him to call me? And may I leave my number, please?” Marnie annunciated her phone number slowly, and was feeling desperate by now, hoping his grandmother was writing down exactly what she was saying, then she wondered if maybe she should just ask for his number at school.

“Okay, I’ve got it!”

“Thanks, and um, please tell him it’s… I’m… ”

“Wait a minute, sweetie. Why don’t you call him at school?”

“Can you give me the number?” Marnie inhaled deeply, and just as she thought she might be able to figure out this mess she’d made of her life, her heart sunk into her gut with the words his grandmother spoke next:

“Trina, don’t tell me you lost his number at Eastern?”

Chapter Thirty-Eight
The Pregnancy – March 2004

When Marnie pulled safely into the garage and the boys were still crying, she figured ice cream was in order.

“Okay boys, let’s get inside, wipe these noses and get out the stuff for ice cream sundaes. And please, no one is going to H-E-double hockey sticks, I promise you.”

The tears slowed and Trey said,
“Really? Ice Cream?”

Sundaes were usually reserved for Saturday nights or sleepovers. Marnie went to the cabinet and found sprinkles, chocolate shavings, the sundae bowls and spoons. She set them all out onto the table where Jeremy and Trey bounced on their chairs, already having forgotten about the mayhem that occurred in the car. Marnie grabbed ice cream, cherries and whipped cream and all was good in the world again.

As the three assembled their sundaes adding way more toppings than Stuart would have ever allowed, Jeremy asked, “So, when are we getting that puppy you promised us?”

“Jeremy, I never promised you a puppy.” This made Marnie smile just a tiny bit despite everything because it reminded her of that book from long ago,
I Never Promised You a Rose Garden.

“Sure you did. Didn’t she Trey?” Jeremy looked at his brother, and it was obvious that Jeremy wanted Trey to lie to his mother.

“Jeremy, I think we’ve had enough of that for tonight, and we still haven’t discussed what happened in the car.”

“Mom, I promise I won’t ever do that again,” he said, mouth full of ice cream and toppings. “Besides, someone in class told me that the ring finger was the bad finger and the middle one meant peace to all the world.”

“Well, from now on, you need to know that you talk to Daddy or me about questions you have. Don’t believe anything the kids at school tell you. You come to me. Okay?”

“Okay Mom.” Then he looked at Marnie’s empty sundae dish and said, “Wow, you slam-dunked your sundae, Mommy!”

**

Later, Marnie helped Jeremy and Trey with showers, and spent a little more time discussing with Jeremy how important it was to not use the middle finger. Then she went into Trey’s room to tuck him in.

“Hey buddy, how are you?”

“Will you snuggle with me, Mommy?”

Marnie was not one to deny a good snuggle, no matter how exhausted she was, or how much laundry was waiting. She crawled under Trey’s fire truck sheets and felt his warm little body next to hers.

“Will you scratch my back, Mommy? Like you used to a longlonglonglong time ago?”

Had it been
that
long since she had given him back scratches? Had she been that preoccupied with everything that she had been forgetting her own children? She knew things were getting out of control and she was suddenly aware that it was all because of the pregnancy, and if it was starting already, without a baby even here, maybe Stuart was right all along. A wave of guilt passed through her body and she felt nauseous, then she sighed out loud.

“
Are you okay, Mommy?” Trey asked.

“
Yes, just tired.”

She made a mental note to take more time for them, maybe to plan some one-on-one time with each boy. Take them out individually to do a favorite outing, or go see a movie with them. She’d been neglecting them. And she realized with a start, that she’d also been neglecting the baby that was growing inside of her too. She needed to get to the doctor.

And soon.

Chapter
Thirty-Nine
October 1988

Trina.

Marnie remembered her. The girl from the party. Curly hair. Perfect eyebrows. The girl whom she knew Joe had done intimate things with before she met him.

Was this really happening? Was Trina
his girlfriend?
Had Joe been cheating on his
girlfriend
with Marnie over the summer? But why didn’t she confront them at the party if Trina and Joe were still together? Maybe they had broken up and Marnie was just someone he had used to make Trina jealous? Although, aside from the one sly remark she had made about lemonade, and a couple of glaring looks, it hadn’t seemed like Trina had cared that much that Marnie was at the party with Joe. And wasn’t she practically climbing all over her own football player that night?

Marnie wondered if that was why Joe had spent so much time inside that night at the party, trying to avoid a confrontation with the girl? There were so many unanswered questions, and all of it made Marnie sick, made her feel that nothing from the summer had been real. Now, none of it seemed real, nothing seemed to matter anymore. She wished she could throw out everything she remembered from their time together, to just put it all behind now and get on with her life. The first way to throw it all out would be to get rid of the baby.

Except she didn’t know if she could.

If he hadn’t cared about her, what would make Marnie think he would even care about a baby? Why in the hell would he care about being a father to a baby of a mother he didn’t even care about?

**

It was Sunday night. Marnie had been at her parent’s for more than a week and she knew she had to get back to school, even though she wasn’t sure why, because it was doubtful she’d pass any of her classes this term. She had to go back, if only to get away from her parents, who had become alarmingly concerned. Marnie had surfaced from her bedroom a couple of times, to feign that she was getting well, to prove that she was better and could return to school. She was afraid of the changes in her body, and although she knew no one could tell from the outside, she feared if she hung around any longer, her mom and dad would start noticing. Like the way it was difficult to swallow, to chew even, and how the waves of nausea hit at times throughout the day unexpectedly. Marnie had to get away from the growing interest her parents had taken in her.