A Life Less Ordinary (4 page)

Master Revels had hired a medium-sized hall for his performance. He might not have been numbered among the greatest of the stage magicians – if only they knew – but he had a solid reputation and the crowds were already flocking into the hall. We slipped unnoticed through the crowds and into the hall, where Master Revels checked the equipment and reminded me of my role. We’d spent part of the last week – or so I thought; it was hard to measure time inside a magical house – rehearsing. I peeked out onto the stage and saw several boxes, a set of mirrors and even a tiny cage, with a rather bemused hamster squatting inside it. Beyond that, there was a large dog that seemed to wink at me. I had always wanted a pet dog, but my mother had refused, believing that I couldn’t be trusted to take care of a large animal.

I could hear the sound of the crowd as they filed into the hall and took their seats. They sounded happy and good-natured, but I couldn’t help feeling sheer terror at the thought of performing in front of them. I wasn’t even going to do much and yet I was still terrified! Master Revels seemed to take it all in his stride. He checked his appearance, winked at me, and strode out onto the stage. I hesitated, realised that the curtain hadn’t risen, and followed him, taking the place I’d been promised. I struck an absurd pose and he waved a finger at me.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” a voice proclaimed. It took me a second to realise that Master Revels was speaking into a hidden microphone. “I present to you the world’s greatest magician - Master Revels!”

The curtain rose and a single spotlight shone down on his position, so bright that no one would be able to see me against the darkness. It was a neat bit of misdirection. Hardly anyone would know that I was there, even though I was wearing a silly outfit and standing right in front of them. There was a roar of approval from the crowd, including a group of drunken teenagers who waved glasses of beer in the air. I blanched, glad that no one could see me, and then swallowed hard. I knew what was coming.

“Welcome, one and all,” Master Revels said. His voice seemed to boom out, effortlessly drowning out the noise of the crowd. “And, if you please, a big round of applause for my lovely assistant, the fair Dizzy!”

A spotlight shone down on me. The crowd roared its approval, the drunken young men loudest of all. I would have blushed, but instead I managed to smile. My costume suddenly made a great deal more sense. With the spotlight burning down, there were flashes of lights illuminating my body, drawing attention from all over the room.

“And now...we will begin,” Master Revels proclaimed. He took off his top hat, bowed to the audience, and placed it down on the table. “Take a look at the table. There is nothing underneath; there is nothing on top, apart from the hat! And yet...”

He paused, dramatically. “Wait...I bet you don’t trust me,” he added. “I bet you think I have a trick up my sleeve.” The crowd burst into laughter. “I need a victim...I’m sorry, I meant volunteer. I need a volunteer from the audience to prove that I have nothing up my sleeves.”

There was a long pause, and then a young girl – barely older than twelve – was pushed onto the stage by her mother. There was a round of applause as I took her hand and escorted her over to the table, where she knelt and walked under the table, before picking up the hat and reaching deep into it. There was nothing there.

“It’s empty,” she said, disappointed.

“So it is,” Master Revels said. He looked up at the watching audience. “A big hand for Charlotte, if you please!”

There was another round of applause as the girl was helped back into the audience. “And now,” Master Revels added, “we will begin.”

He clicked his fingers together, holding them over the hat. The crowd grew silent as they watched. He pressed his fingertips together, allowing a tiny trickle of glitter to fall into the hat, before he reached in...and in...and in. His entire arm seemed to go into the hat. There were some gasps, but most of the audience was still watching silently. Master Revels struggled, as if he were trying to hang onto something that didn’t want to be caught, and then he pulled his hand out in one convulsive motion. A large green snake poured out of the hat and coiled itself on the stage, hissing nastily.

“Oh dear,” Master Revels announced, dramatically. He pointed to a bulge in the snake’s skin. “Slither has eaten my rabbit!”

The crowd roared with laughter, although a few nervous eyes were watching the snake. Slither’s head was moving from side to side, as if he was deciding which of us would make the next meal. I hated snakes on general principles, but Slither looked truly unpleasant. His golden eyes were too knowing to belong to just a mere animal.

“I think I’d better rescue Mr Fluffy before he is digested,” Master Revels continued. He snapped his fingers and there was a flash of light. Slither reared back, hissing angrily, just before the rabbit burst out of his mouth and onto the table. The crowd cheered, some with relief. The rabbit peered at them all disdainfully and jumped back into the hat. “And he’s gone. I guess he doesn’t like being eaten.”

He lowered his voice, aiming it towards the youngest children in the room. “It’s a jungle in there,” he said. Slither, in the meantime, had sighted the hamster and reared up, clearly intending to have the small rodent for dinner instead. Master Revels stood up, reached into the hamster cage and rescued the cowering creature. “Shall we teach Slither a lesson, children?”

There was a general shout of approval. “All right,” Master Revels said. “Lets!”

He placed the hamster down on the stage and waved to the snake. Slither turned and started to advance towards the hamster, just before Master Revels clicked his fingers. The hamster suddenly grew until it was the size of a large dog. Hamsters are cute and cuddly when they’re small, but when they’re large they look alarming. Those teeth are very sharp. The hamster started to advance on the snake, which turned and headed back to the top hat, rearing up and throwing itself back inside. The hamster followed and, a moment later, the hat started to shake as if the two were fighting. To the astonishment of the crowd, Master Revels picked up the hat and put it back on his head as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

The next few tricks were simpler, but the crowd ate them up and begged for more. He used magic to read minds and predict the future. He used his wand to send me flying through the air with the greatest of ease. He created vast illusions to order, allowing the younger members of the audience to choose the illusions, just to show them that it was no trick. One audience member even wanted an image of a naked girl, so Master Revels created it – with her private parts neatly covered with black CENSORED signs. The audience nearly wet themselves laughing.

I was starting to understand the subtle magic he was weaving at the same time. The crowd were seeing real magic, yet his magic was convincing them that there was a mundane explanation, no matter how far-fetched. A small boy stood up while I was flying and proclaimed that it was all done with wires. His mother pulled him down, but not quickly enough to save him from the laughter of the crowd. They all believed him and yet they didn’t believe.

“So,” Master Revels said, finally. “For my second to last trick...I need a volunteer.” He looked over at the boy who had shouted out. “How would you like to be sawn in half?”

“You bet,” the boy said, scrambling to his feet. “It’s a trick and I will expose you as soon as I see it.”

I took the boy’s hand as he climbed onto the stage. He was about twelve years old, although I guessed that he hadn’t been through puberty yet as he paid no attention to my costume. He was slightly overweight, with big glasses and a spotty face. I deduced that he was picked on at school, probably for being able to count to eleven without having to take off his shoes. His hand felt greasy and sweaty to the touch and I realised that, despite his brave appearance, the boy was a little nervous.

“If you will climb into the box, my dear George,” Master Revels said cheerfully, “we can start sawing you in half.”

The box itself looked rather like a coffin, although it was covered in stars and magical symbols. The boy looked surprised at how Master Revels had known his name, although he then looked down at the badge he was wearing and relaxed. I held his hand as the lid came down, for it was clear that he was growing more than a little nervous. It had been obvious, the moment he opened the box, that there was no hidden compartment, nor was there room for him to pull up his legs.

“As you can see,” Master Revels continued, “this is a real saw. I normally use it for cutting down trees. Tonight, we are going to use it to cut a boy in half!”

There was a roar of applause as he started to saw into the box. It looked impressive, even though I knew the trick. The saw went through into the open area – George held my hand tightly as it seemed to go through his body – and then down through the bottom end. Master Revels opened the box and George fell out, seemingly intact.

“I told you it was a trick,” George thundered. He jumped in the air with delight. “I didn’t feel a thing and...”

The crowd burst out laughing. George hadn’t realised it, but every time he jumped into the air, his torso literally parted in two. He
had
been cut in half. The only thing keeping him alive was Master Revels and his magic. George didn’t realise it at all and kept jumping in the air, utterly unable to understand why everyone was laughing at him. He kept screaming that it was a trick and every time he jumped, he put the lie to his own words.

“Look down,” Master Revels suggested. George did and saw the cut. Before he could scream, Master Revels tapped him on the head and nodded to me. “My lovely assistant will heal him with a kiss!”

I leaned down and kissed George on the forehead, cancelling the spell that had cut him in two. George, much to his relief, was allowed to go back into the audience, no longer parted at the middle. I had to keep the laughter off my own face. It was so absurd. The audience loved it.

“And now, the final trick,” Master Revels concluded. “I will make my own assistant disappear from this box!”

As before, he invited a couple of people from the audience to inspect the box. One of them was a teenage boy more interested in staring at me than at the box, but the other was an older man who tapped away at it before finally concluding that there was no way out. Master Revels waved to me and I stepped inside a box no larger than the Doctor’s TARDIS, at least on the outside. There was a feeling of disorientation and I found myself stepping out of the box’s twin, backstage.

“She’s gone,” Master Revels declared, in mock horror. His voice became remarkably melodramatic. “She’s gone and she’s stealing all my money!”

I smiled as the audience’s roar grew louder and the curtain started to come down. Master Revels had explained that there would be two or three curtain calls, but I wouldn’t have to be there for any of them. I found a seat and sat down, suddenly feeling inhumanly tired. I had never wanted a life on the stage.

“Well, hello,” a voice said, from behind me. I jumped up and spun around. “The Black Rod has found himself a new assistant.”

The figure was, at first, hidden in the gloom. As she stepped forward, I felt my eyes widening in disbelief. Even at the Fringe, she was unusual. She was tall, with long dark hair and eyes so dark that they sent a chill down my spine. She wore a long white dress, cut in a Grecian style that seemed almost to be a part of her. Her skin was inhumanly pale.

“You may call me Circe,” she said. I was frozen, unable to move, as she advanced towards me. One long finger reached out and touched me on the forehead. Her touch was cold, as if her fingers were made of ice. “Woman to frog.”

Chapter Four

Before I could react, I felt a hammer blow at the back of my neck. My vision seemed to twist and fade, even as my entire body
shifted.
I felt, just for a second, as if I was melting and falling...and then my sense of perspective changed. The backroom seemed suddenly so much larger. The woman – Circe, she had called herself – was a walking giant. I could see right up her dress. It would have been hilarious under other circumstances, yet I had no idea what had happened to me. Something warm and soft landed on my head and I jumped. I jumped halfway across the room.

I caught sight of myself in a mirror and recoiled in horror. I was a frog! Or maybe I was a toad; I didn’t know the difference between the two. I was small, green and warty, with eerie eyes. I opened my mouth, intending to scream, but all that came out was a frog-like noise. My ears seemed to have changed as well – I could suddenly hear so much better than before – yet everything sounded odd in the room. I had an overwhelming urge to seek fresh water and swim away from the terrifying surroundings...

Sheer panic brought me back to myself. One of the books I had glanced at while sorting out the piles of books had talked about animal transformations. The thinking mind might remain the same, even if a person had been transformed into a worm or a slug, but the unthinking mind would change along with the body. A transfigured person might lose themselves and end up becoming whatever they’d been transformed into. If I failed to keep hold of myself, I realised, I might end up falling into the frog’s mind and dying. All that would be left would be a frog that couldn’t remember being a woman.

I hopped across the room back towards Circe, who laughed at me as I came closer. If there was one consolation to being a frog, it was that the frog was far more athletic than I had ever been in my entire life. One jump took me halfway across the room. Circe’s laughter grew darker and she held up a hand, somehow effortlessly deflecting me and sending me spinning across the room. Somehow, the shock helped me to focus my mind, rather than pushing my mind to collapse into the frog and vanish. It dawned on me that I could still hear cheers from the stage and that Master Revels was still working the crowd. I could go ask him for help, yet...would he recognise me as a frog? Circe had vanished somehow, leaving me alone. Would he realise that I was his apprentice or would he think I was just a pest who had somehow gotten into the building. Edinburgh was infested with wild creatures that somehow eked out an existence in the shadow of man. Only three weeks ago, I’d seen a fox sniffing through a litter bin...