A Life In A Moment (15 page)

We walked
a while longer before either of us spoke.

«Isn’t
it strange? Some things change, even though you’re not there to
see them for yourself. When we go to Greece, you’ll find them
married. Ellie may even be pregnant... So desperately different to
how it all was before you left. It feels as though somehow everything
is a game, but we don’t have a clue who set the rules or who
our rivals are. It’s like playing against yourself.»

«Honey
pie, you’re doing what you always do when you’re sleepy.»

«What’s
that?»

«Dabbling
in philosophy.»

«I
love it that you know me so well», she said and hugged me
tight. We kissed, mid-stride. We were almost home.

We were
two young souls in love, both betrayed before, but who had managed to
get back on their feet again, joining forces to forge a new,
beautiful life. We lived each and every moment for its uniqueness. We
consciously tried to strengthen our relationship from day to day, we
read poetry to each other, we laughed, we took endless walks in the
rain.

I suddenly
realized that my life was like a chocolate cake, cut through by the
knife of a relationship, into two equal pieces: freedom and love.
There were no promises liken the proverbial cherries on top. It was
the most delectable sweetness I had ever tasted...

 
43

Two years
passed, and, suddenly, we were twenty-six years old — and still
somehow caught up in a kind of adolescence. All around us, it seemed
as if everyone was falling into marriage, and then beginning
families. Though we smiled and wished congratulations upon
congratulations, we didn’t care much for it all. We felt we
still had many years ahead of us to live and love, unfettered.

A dream of
us, in a garden like paradise, showed us waiting for the seeds we had
so carefully sown to send down roots, and send their green shoots up.
While we waited for the trees to bear fruit, refreshing rain fell
upon us, and from the blackening sky, thunder rattled and bellowed,
over and over.

Climbing
out from the depths of that dream garden, it was not thunder, but the
phone ringing that woke me. The terror of this phone call in the
middle of the night clawed at my chest.

«Vassilis,
I am so sorry to wake you like this... Michalis is in ICU. He had a
motorbike accident and he’s lost his entire left arm
»,
I heard Thanos sobbing.

Paralysed,
there was nothing I could say. My lip broke open, bleeding, from the
way I bit into it from shock. So much like the wound Michalis had
left me with, seven years before. 

«What
happened?» Angelique asked me, terrified.

I actually
don’t remember if I answered her, or even if I said anything
more to Thanos. Perhaps I just hung up on him. My first reaction was
to get myself to Greece, and fast. Many frantic phone calls later,
our flights had been booked for a few hours later that morning.
Pavlos agreed to rush me to the airport. A littler later, unlocking
the door at his knocking, suitcase in hand, my heart stopped at the
sound of the phone ringing again. If one phone call in the middle of
the night is ominous, two forebodes a tragedy.

«Vassilis...
He’s gone.»

With no
words left to say, I put down the phone. My brother came inside,
closing the door without a sound behind him. The look on my face was
proof enough of what I had heard. We drowned in the silence. No
longer did we have to rush. There was nothing more to save.

Eventually,
I felt I should still go to Greece. Pavlos drove us to the airport,
sunk deep into our sadness and silence. Climbing out the car at
Heathrow, I walked wordlessly ahead of my brother and my girlfriend.

«Pavlos,
you don’t have to stay. Thank you for driving us here»,
were all I had left to say, tears trickling down my face, tears I had
long trapped behind the bars of my stubborn composure.

He didn’t
say anything. He just touched my shoulder in compassion and kissed
Angelique goodbye.

We turned
and walked towards the inevitable queuing and rigmarole before
boarding. At last on the other side, we sat side by side on a cold,
metal bench. Elbows on my knees, head in my hands, Angelique stroked
my hair gently. We continued our soundless conversation on the plane.
Though we didn’t articulate a single word, we hadn’t
stopped talking. Lovers’ telepathy.

«Don’t
blame yourself or let remorse overwhelm you because you decided to
not be their best man. Nothing would have changed», she layered
the conversation with sound now. She knew what I was thinking.

«Had
I accepted...»

«Sweetheart,
how could you have known that such a thing would happen?» she
said, trying to banish those thoughts that buzzed like bees in the
ears of my conscience.

With just
the touch of her hand, she calmed me, like a mother comforting her
child after a terrible nightmare. Her hand shut tight in mine, I
watched the ground rushing past, before I closed my eyes with the
thought that I was flying at last — free of everything. Flying
high above the clouds, I would meet Michalis, where we would have our
last conversation, our last discussion, and perhaps even the apology
I had waited so long for.

Now,
though, I wasn’t quite sure who owed whom an apology.

My eyes
opened, and I realised I was still safely seat-belted in. Angelique
looked at me tenderly.

«Get
some sleep», she said. «We have four hours to go.»

«I’m
afraid I’ll never travel this route without a terrible event
haunting me», I told her in fear.

It
wasn’t
only
fear.

Against my
will, I dozed off dreamlessly. My thoughts churned round and round,
even in sleep. In just a few hours, I would be reunited with people I
hadn’t seen in seven years. Natalia, Ellie, Aunt Urania, Uncle
Haralambos and… Michalis.

Why had I
never returned to Greece in those seven years? How could I possibly
have spent all this time on my own, far away from the people who
raised me and loved me? Far from Natalia and Thanos? Why didn’t
I go back for summer holidays? To feel the heat of the sun burn my
skin, to dive deep beneath the waves to ease it. Why didn’t I
ever return, sit at a tavern by the sea and enjoy fresh fish on the
grill, washed down by an icy beer?

Perhaps
it was taking those first words of Angelique as my heart’s new
law: 
Never look back. The only
thing you’ll find is what you left behind or what let you go. 
I
had not left the family that raised me in my heart, nor did they let
me go from theirs. Still, I hadn’t physically been in their
presence for seven years. My mind was awash with confusion and
questions. It was probably the scant oxygen inside the plane to blame
— who knows?

My
thoughts plummeted into a nightmare, plunging me deeper into my
agitated wondering. How would my reunion with Ellie go? What would we
say? What should we say?

44

The warmth
of Angelique’s hand against my cheek woke me. «We’re
landing.»

Upon
touchdown, I knew only a few moments separated me from those waiting
for us in the arrivals lounge. Thanos and Natalia stood quietly
beside the entrance. I embraced my cousin at last, and Thanos greeted
Angelique with a kiss. All was hushed and contrite.

«How
are you, my sweet girl? If you hadn’t sent me photos, I would
never have recognised you now», I said to Natalia, exaggerating
about how much she had changed. «This is Angelique.»

«I’m
so happy to finally meet you», they said at the same time, and
hugged.

We walked
towards Thanos’ car.

«We’ll
pop by my folks, alright?» Natalia almost whispered to him when
we were all in the car.

«I
know», he replied, turning the engine.

In
the front, Thanos and I sat quietly, while the girls, behind us,
spoke in low voices.
Your Greek is very
good
, I heard Natalia say to
Angelique.

«How’s
Ellie?» I asked Thanos softly.

«How
is she? Lost in space.»

Thanos was
the one most in pain. He had grown up beside Michalis. He had known
him like a brother for twenty years. He had shared all his good and
bad moments with him. His grief, though, he would now only share with
me.

We reached
the square where the restaurant and apartment were; where I had spent
most of my life; where I had learnt all my childhood games; where I
had first begun to dream. Looking around, very little had changed,
and yet, so much had.

«Vassilis,
my boy!» exclaimed Aunt Urania, throwing her arms around me.

«How
are you, Aunt?»

She placed
her palms lovingly against my cheeks. «How much you’ve
grown...»

I smiled
at her, saying nothing. Behind her stood Uncle Haralambos. I had
missed his steady, predictable calmness.

«Hello,
Uncle.»

«Hello,
my boy», he said and pulled me into a hug. When I finally
managed to extricate myself from their embraces, I introduced them to
Angelique.

We walked
into the sitting room, which had stayed exactly the same. Only one
new thing had been added: a framed photograph of Pavlos, Samantha,
Angelique and me. We had sent it along with a Christmas card, a few
years before.

The
whole atmosphere hung upon a mournful note as though a pianist had
become stuck, depressing the low C in rhythmic fixation. With
mechanical smiles, we were unable to express any happiness. Raw grief
oozed from every word and glance. Lunch was an agony of no prayer or
toast. Someone managed to extend an official sort of welcome, and
then the words
May this be the last
calamity that befalls us
fell out of
someone’s mouth.

After we
arranged for dinner to be held at my aunt’s, we left for my
house at the sea. As we drove closer, I saw it standing neglected
among towering grasses and weeds. It welcomed me without a smile, and
without bemoaning my abandonment. 

«Natalia
and your aunt gave it an airing about a week ago. The garden
obviously needs of lot of work and a good clearing. We usually deweed
it this time of year», Thanos said like in apology. «Oh!
Natalia and I will go to Ellie this evening. Do you want to come with
us?»

«Yeah,
sure. What time are you going?»

«Around
seven.»

«I’ll
make sure we’re ready», I said, patting him kindly pat on
the back. «Thanks for the lift.»

«Anytime»,
he replied gently, and walk
ed away to his
car.

I unlocked
the door and stepped inside. The unchanged interior threw me into a
paradox of emotion: relief that my house had stayed the same, and
despair that this very sameness held me fast to that terrible last
night.

I felt
Angelique’s arm around my waist. «So, this is it.»

«Yes.
Come to see the veranda.»

The
luminous Friday afternoon met us half way to the veranda’s
door. Opening the glass doors, a fresh breeze rushed past us into the
house. 

Angelique
squinted to protect her eyes, and her hair was caught wildly in the
wind. Taking her in my arms, we wordlessly agreed to end our silence.
Suddenly, she broke free from my embrace and walked to the very
edge of the veranda. She leaned deeply over the marble balustrade to
watch the gentleness of the waves against the rocks below. I followed
her and my arms encircled her again.

 
«It’s
so wild. Majestic», she said, turning around to me. «Watching
it makes me feel free. You should bring Ellie here. It could be just
what she needs right now.»

Back
inside, I gave her the grand tour. She asked if, while we were there,
we could spend our nights in the attic. I agreed. From its small
window, I showed her the lighthouse, miles away, imperiously awaiting
its night shift.

«Thanos
told me that Michalis had his accident on his way there», I
said. «I so clearly remember when I drove along that very road
with Pavlos. Who would have thought that there I would lose someone
who I then considered my friend?»

«He
will always be your friend, no matter what happened.»

«I
will never be able to let go of my regret at retaliating the way I
did… But I will also never be able to relinquish my belief
that it was all his own fault.»

 
I
was overwhelmingly bitter, still twisted by that long-ago betrayal
and yet pitifully sorry for what had happened. In the deepest part of
me, I knew I was the one who was most right. The arrows of friendship
were buried inextricably in the thickened shield of my ego. There was
nothing I could do now to change everything. I was helplessly sorry.

45

At 7 pm,
Thanos and Natalia came to pick us up to Ellie’s house. Her
mother opened the door, surprised to see me. I remembered her as a
younger woman, and because she was so touched to see me again, I kept
my face from showing my thoughts on how she had aged. Standing behind
her, Ellie’s father shared his wife’s emotion.

Each room
in their house was heavy with mourners in black. Ellie was nestled
protectively in their presence. I struggled to recognise her. Seeing
me, her eyes betrayed a mystery I could not fathom.

«Thank
you for coming, Vassilis» she said, her voice hoarse from so
many tears cried.

We held
each other.

«I
am so sorry, Ellie. For everything.»

«So
am I», she whispered in return.

How much
she had changed... Her hair had been cut short, her face lined
faintly with age. Maybe grief had suddenly placed them there that
very day. A tear slid slowly down her cheek, her other eye about to
spill over too. She wiped away her tears with her hand. I had
mistaken the emptiness in her eyes for mystery. No feelings had a
right to intrude there. She did not want to use her words, she did
not want to shout and sob, she did not want to protest. She could
only weep in the breaking burden of her tragedy.