A Lethal Legacy (27 page)

"Suspected?"

"Who my real father
is? I'll be damned. Pam was sure you knew and were just too much of a gentleman
to bring it up. I guess she miscalculated. You were too stupid to figure it
out."

"Gary is your
father."

"No, I don't
think so. Gary never managed to finish the job with old Pam. Can't say I blame
him. But now Philip, that's a different story. Twice he managed to knock her
up; luckily for everyone, especially the baby, Pam had a miscarriage the second
time around."

"You're
lying." I stood over her threateningly. The only other time I had been
tempted to hit another human being had been when Philip called Gary a queer
when I told him his son was dying of AIDs. As I stood there accusing Kristina
of lying, I knew that it was all true. For once, she told the truth.

"No, I'm not
lying, and you know it. But it doesn't really matter now. Claire pretended that
she didn't care when I told her. Said stuff about me always being her
granddaughter no matter what. I left thinking all was well. I drew up papers,
which said that Philip was my father, and Claire even told me that she would
sign them. That way I could inherit Susan's estate."

"But why did you
start giving her the pills?"

"That was Pam's
idea. She got her med list and then got someone to send her pills, which had
more pheno in them than what Claire was already taking. We really didn't see
the harm. After all, Claire had lived a long life, and it was only a matter of
time before she died anyway. We just tried to speed things along a
little."

"That's
murder."

"Well, that's
what you believe, Ed. I don't happen to see it that way."

"Pam didn't
really have anything to do with it, did she, Kris? You stole the pills, and you
came here twice to kill Claire."

"Pam, who had
been pushing me for years to do something about the money, started acting weird
when I talked about the meds. But her place at the nursing home, provided me
with easy access. People are pretty easy to seduce, you know." She looked
at me with that grin that I thought always resembled Pam, but now I realized
that it was Kristina's all alone.

"You've seduced
all of us, haven't you, Kristina? For the first time, I'm thankful Gary is
dead. If he saw this, it would kill him."

"It would have
been so simple if you had just gone along with it, Eddie," Kristina said.

She attempted to come
closer, raising her hand toward my face. I stepped back toward the door and
took one last look at what had become of this child who had been loved by
everyone except her mother. I walked out the door and away from Kristina
forever. The fog had finally lifted, and I walked away a free man, even though
I still had to deal with the police and my wife.

He fought against the
rising tide and swam as if his life depended on it. If he couldn't out swim the
current, he would go under and never recover. Soon he rested on the beach
breathing in the fresh air and watching the sun rise over the horizon.

When I got back to
the house, Cassie's car was still gone. I parked in the driveway and walked.
But I wanted to talk to someone. I wanted to walk and talk with Gary. In my
entire life, I had never told anyone my innermost feelings, and now I found
myself longing to confess to the one person I had listened to the most. Gary
would understand and guide me.

Gary and I protected
one another for so long. We stood up against our fathers together. Without his
presence in my life, I doubt I could have taken care of the family for so long.
I had managed somehow, and I even enjoyed the position that had come to me as
the head of the family. But it didn't negate the ache and longing for spending
time with Gary.

The affair with
Kristina didn't begin until the night I found out that Gary had AIDs. We needed
one another at that awful movement. She came to me wounded, and I was in dire
need of tenderness. I couldn't turn her away from my bed anymore than I could
stop breathing. I needed her as much as she needed me. That night it was pure
and simple and helped us both survive and face the pain of losing Gary. Funny,
but I had never analyzed it much before. I just always felt guilty, but there
was something there between us.

I love Cassie, but I
never felt the same way about her that I did about Kristina. Cassie doesn't
need me. She could survive without me. She would probably even thrive without
me in her life. But Kristina always needed me, I thought. I brought her
protection and safety. If I had chosen to go to Mexico with her, she would have
needed me. But then how could I ever be sure that she wouldn't be out picking
up some other jerk who she convinced she needed, too. I had been deceiving
myself about Kristina for too many years. Maybe if I had loved her enough and
in the right way, she could have changed.

Even as I had these
thoughts, I knew I was once again retreating behind my mask. Even when I
attempted to understand my feelings, I still lapsed into a great void of
unreality. I couldn't shake the feeling that if Kristina knew she was loved,
she could be a good person. She had so little acceptance in her life and that
caused her to do many of the same things Gary had done. They both ran from the
truth and looked for acceptance in the wrong places. How was I any different?
The three of us, the children of Stanley and Philip, were not so very different
after all.

Suddenly I realized
there was one person who would listen to me and make an attempt to understand.
I turned around and headed home. As I came to our corner, Cassie pulled in the
driveway.

"Where are the
kids?" I asked when I noticed she didn't open the back door of the car to
begin the ritual of unfastening seat belts and car seats.

"At my sister's.
Detective Larson called and asked to come over so he could question me. I
thought it would be better if the kids were gone. I'll be less distracted that
way. You look exhausted. The detective said you were there most of the night
filling in the pieces for them."

"Cassie, we need
to talk before they get here."

"I know,"
she said.

We walked into the
house silently, and I wondered how I could ever explain to this kind woman what
happened. Confessing my sins to my wife would be the most difficult thing I had
ever done in my life.

We sat at the kitchen
table, and I began with Kristina's birth. When I finished Cassie looked very
carefully at me.

"Did you ever
use protection?" she asked.

"What?" I
expected her to say many things but not this.

"Did you ever
use protection when you were with Kris?"

"Most of the
time."

"Most of the
time? But not all of the time?"

"No, not every
time, at least not the first time."

"Then you and I
both need to get tested. I can't believe you would be so stupid in your passion
that you wouldn't use a condom, especially after what happened to Gary."

Her indictment of me
came as the biggest blow of all. It was no more than I had been doing to myself
all these years. Somehow, it relieved part of my guilt and disgust to have a
public judgment made about something so tangible and obvious.

"Do you want a
divorce?" I asked.

"I honestly
don't know, Ed. It's all too much, although I suppose I should have suspected
before this. You always looked like a sick puppy whenever Kris came to visit. I
could tell she had some type of power over you, but I chose not to dwell on it.
When I saw the two of you together today, it was as if I’d been expecting it. I
didn't feel the shock you'd expect.

"You're a good
father, Ed. I also know that you've suffered all these years. I just never knew
the exact cause of the suffering."

"Do you think
you could ever forgive me?"

"I guess time
will tell. I know that the only time you cheated was with Kris, and I also know
that it will never happen again with anyone else." She smiled at me as she
reached for my hand across the table.

"You're pretty
smart, you know." I squeezed her hand and smiled for the first time in a
week.

"But for now,
why don't you just move some of your things into Claire’s or Susan's apartment?
Then we'll see. First we've got to deal with the police; we'll work on us
afterwards."

I nodded my head,
grateful she wasn't throwing me out like I deserved. I headed back to our
bedroom to pack a few things when I heard the detective at the door.

They arrested
Kristina the next morning. Detective Larson was kind enough to call me that
afternoon to tell me what happened.

"What about bail
for Kris?"

"The judge will
hold a hearing today. Do you think she can make bail?"

"Probably not.
The only person who ever bailed her out of her situations before is now
dead," I said.

"That's the
shame of this whole thing, isn't it? She probably did away with the only person
who could now save her."

"Detective, when
did I stop being a suspect?"

"You never
really were. Winston likes to play tough, and he thought you might know more
than you were telling. We knew it was Kristina all along. We contacted the
nursing home where Pam worked and found out the type of medication found in
Claire's bloodstream had come up missing from the med room a week before
Claire's death. Kristina made the rest easy."

"So you didn't
believe her when she started accusing me or her mother?"

"No, it was too
obvious. Believe me, we've dealt with her type before. Pam was pretty
forthright, and her story checked out. It really was simple to put it all
together, especially when we saw Kristina's reaction to finding out about the
will."

After I hung up, I
sat for a long time looking at the phone thinking about the irony of his
comments. I couldn't help Kristina ever again. She had to face her punishment
no matter what form it took.

As for me, my
punishment wouldn't be quite so obvious. I would get tested for AIDs within the
week. Whether I tested positive or not, my scars were deep and permanent. There
would be no surgery or salve that could ever erase my guilt for past actions. I
carried with me the strong notion that I could have prevented Claire's death if
only I had stopped Kristina earlier.

I knew I had to clear
Kristina out of my mind and my life. Then I'd get to work on this novel inside
of me. It was time to create and cleanse myself. I needed to make some sense of
the horror of the past.

For a few seconds
when Kristina asked me to go away with her, I was sorely tempted because the
enormity of Claire's death hadn't hit me yet. The murder of Claire was not
real, and as I've always done in my life, I was able to sweep it away and not
deal with it. That's why I was able to go into Kristina's arms so easily.

When Cassie entered
the motel room, I finally woke up. It was as if I’d been wrapped in that New
Orleans fog for the past ten years, if not for my entire life, and suddenly it
cleared, and I saw myself, Kristina, and Gary all clearly for the first time. I
saw what we had done to each other through our fear and selfishness and the
belief that we were not worth anything ourselves.

We all shared that
quality, and so we did things that hurt others. Even Claire allowed Philip to
torment and abuse Gary because she was afraid of him and even more afraid of
being alone. Gary never allowed his real feelings to show because he was afraid
of the consequences, and Kristina never wanted anyone not to love her first so
she made herself as unlovable as possible sometimes.

And me, good old Ed
Townsend, everyone's friend; a friend to everyone except myself. I allowed
things to happen to me in my life. I went into my first two marriages with
little thought. They wanted to get married, and so I married them.

For now, I'll move
into Aunt Susan's apartment. It may not be the best situation, but Cassie wants
me to stay close to the kids, and so do I. And when I'm writing, I shut myself
in and become a recluse anyway so staying in the house is perfect for right
now.

I wonder if I'm meant
to be married. I like the idea of our family unit, but I'm not sure that's a
reason for Cassie and me to stay married. Cassie has to be able to trust me
again. I have to be able to trust myself, too. I let myself down more than
anyone else. My pain and guilt cut deep but for so many years, I kept it at bay
by not thinking about it. A great Townsend family trait. We don't talk about
those difficult things, like homosexuality or Alzheimer's.

I never even
confronted Philip about finding him and Pam in the garage. In fact, I tried to
wipe the whole thing from my memory. I should have been outraged for Gary’s and
Claire's sakes when I found them. Instead, I pushed it aside. I wonder if I did
that because I suspected all along that Philip had fathered Kristina?

When Gary died,
instead of dealing with my pain, I fell into Kristina's arms. Then I could
concentrate on that guilt and not feel the loss of my best friend.

I believe that within
all of us we have the potential for good and for destruction. Sometimes we do
both and sometimes one wins out over the other. I allowed my darkest nightmares
to emerge when Kristina pulled me into her darkness. She never had a chance to
develop the goodness that I would sometimes see glimmer across her face. She
never was allowed to develop that side of her. I had plenty of opportunities to
work on my good side. Only Kristina saw my other side.

But my darkness,
evilness, whatever it is called, hurt only me at first. When I allowed it to
continue, it hurt Cassie, too.

I let my thoughts drift
to Gary. And to Philip, who had never been satisfied with his son. As a result,
Gary was never satisfied with what he had in front of him. The one man he
wanted to please the most, his father, could never be pleased. And finally, I
thought of the fruition of both Philip’s and Gary's demons: Kristina, who
searched for something that she had all along. She always had Claire's love and
acceptance, but instead of realizing that, she destroyed Claire.

Maybe by writing
about it, I could make sense of it all. And in doing so, I would leave a more
meaningful heritage to my own children.

I touched the sea oat
on my desk, and then looked at my computer screen. A blank document stared back
at me. I placed my hands on the keyboard and began to write in an attempt to
heal my wounds and leave a lasting legacy.

Life's many twists
and turns and ironies bring us to places we never intended to visit. My
traveling took me to hell again and again, even though each time I bought a
ticket for a destination, I ended up going somewhere else. Even hell would be
preferable to the reality of what I had done and what I had almost become. I
gently placed my suitcase in the back of the closet and turned to face the
walls of my self-imposed prison that would provide me with the penitence and
solace needed to heal.