A Leap of Faith (7 page)

“Hi Everyone. Can I have your attention for a moment?”

Everyone turned to face me, the music had been lowered and I had the rooms’ undivided attention.

“I just wanted to thank everyone for coming and helping us celebrate this new little life that James and Hannah are going to be welcoming into the world soon. If everyone can gather round, Hannah and James are going to open their gifts and then there will be another food service. Thank you and please enjoy the party.”

Hannah grabbed my hand and squeezed it.

“This is the best shower ever
,” she squealed.

“I’m sure Dan would disagree but I am so glad you are enjoying yourself,” I laughed as I placed the mic back on the top of the speaker.

Everyone gathered around as James, Alex and Troy carried over the gifts and placed them in front of Hannah. Jason had grabbed a large chair and instructed Hannah to sit when she tried to help, as everyone else gathered in a roughly formed circle around her.

She took her time reading out each card and opening various boxes and gift bags. There were blankets, toys, bottles, clothes and other nursery items. James’ parents had rolled in a beautiful Bugaboo pram to various “ooh and ahhs.”

Hannah stopped occasionally to wipe her eyes, being emotionally moved by the generosity of their friends and family.  She laughed when she opened gifts from Troy, Jason and Dan - each one of them truly unique. Dan wheeled in a small drum kit, complete with tiny stool and cymbals. He had had the base drumhead painted with the bands name. Jason’s gift bag housed a small leather jacket with the words My Daddy is a Rock Star emblazoned across the back and a collection of miniature retro band t-shirts such as the Ramones, the Clash and Nirvana. Dan’s gift was, well what I’d expected from Dan. A motorized Mercedes convertible, complete with 12 volt rechargeable battery, twin leather seats and custom rims very similar to his own car but a fraction of the size.

“Dan, you know we are having a baby right... he or she won’t be able to use this for months probably even a year or more.” Hannah laughed nervously not wanting to offend Dan. 

Dan slapped James on the back, “I figured with this loser as the father he or she was going to need help on the cool factor.”

James just shook his head but didn’t seem the slightest bit offended.

Finally she came to my box. Taylah had helped me wrap it, so the box itself was a visual masterpiece. Hannah read the card, dabbing her eyes when she got to the part where I signed it Uncle Alex and Aunt Lexi.

I was hesitant about that initially, what it implied and whether it was presumptuous of me to assume that Alex and I would be together forever. I knew in my heart that it was where I wanted to be but hearing it aloud seemed almost surreal. Either way I knew we were both going to be part of this little person’s life.

Alex came up behind me, his arms wrapped around my waist.

“I like that... Uncle Alex and Aunt Lexi.”

“I hope you don’t mind. I didn’t really think about it, I just signed the card.”

“Are you kidding? I love it.” Alex kissed my neck. “By the way, what did we get them?” he whispered into my ear.

“Wait and see.” I smiled as Hannah struggled with the ridiculously large bow Taylah had tied.

Out of the box Hannah pulled out a customized baby journal I had made for her and James. It allowed them to write in all their milestones and add pictures for the first five years.

Buying traditional baby gifts wasn’t my thing. Firstly, baby bottles and wraps while necessary, bored the hell out of me and secondly I’m sure Hannah’s type A personality guaranteed that stuff had been purchased, sterilized and ready to go. I wanted something personal, something they could keep and something that hopefully they would love.

Hannah examined the thick embossed pages. I had already added a photo of her and James the night little “Jelly Bean” was conceived. Slowly she turned through to where she would write about his/her arrival, first words, first tooth, first step, first Birthday.

Hannah looked up at me, her eyes brimmed with tears “Lexi, Alex... this is beautiful”

I smiled, “There is something else in the box, which is a little more Lexi.”

Puzzled, Hannah pulled out a small rectangular velvet box. I could see by the look on her face she knew it was some form of jewellery. Almost as if the box had fangs and would strike at any moment she tentatively opened it. The surrounding crowd of friends and family were all hushed by the curiosity of what was housed in the box.

“OH MY GOD
!” Hannah looked at the open box that she clasped tightly between her hands.

“Lexi, this is beautiful, it’s...” she paused, trying to gain composure as a tear fell down her check. “...
It’s stunning.”

She held up the tiny, platinum ID bracelet, the smooth flat panel in front was blank awaiting a name to be engraved and on the back I had added a small inscription -
You were loved from before your first breath.

Hannah leapt from her chair and hugged me, her belly hindering her efforts for a full frontal hug before turning her attention to Alex.  He tenderly wiped away a tear from the corner of her eye and gave her a kiss on the cheek before she whispered something in his ear that I couldn’t hear. Alex nodded before turning to respond in Hannah’s ear in an equally hushed voice.

Hannah smiled at me before joining the guests who had resumed eating and drinking. The music had been turned up and laughter had once again filled the room.

I couldn’t help but be curious as to Alex and Hannah’s poignant exchange.  “What was all that about?” I threaded my arms around Alex’s neck, tilting my head back to look in his astonishing blue eyes.

“She told me if I ever let you go I was a fool.” Alex leaned down and kissed the corner of my mouth, his teeth catching on my bottom lip and giving it a discreet tug.

“Hmmmmm. And what did you say?” I mumbled

“I told her I have no intention of ever letting you go.” Alex had no hint of humour in his voice as he kissed me again.

It was late when we finally got back to Alex’s apartment. We had lingered at the baby shower even after the last guest had left and Danielle and her crew had started cleaning up. Alex accused me of having OCD and not being able to help myself by straightening furniture, but I was just used to being “hands on” and found it difficult to step back and let others do the work. I knew it was something I was going to have to work on with Matt coming onboard, after all that was the reason I was hiring him... I couldn’t do this ALL myself.

“What are you thinking about?” Alex ran his thumb across my forehead, the light pressure sending shivers down my spine. He turned onto his side to face me, I had assumed he was sleeping by his relaxed and steady breathing and I had been staring into space.

“You.” I gave him a weary half smile.

“You are such a liar.” Alex laughed, pulling me tighter against his naked chest.

Ok so technically NOW I was thinking about him as I pulled my leg up to his hip, looking at him underneath my lashes.

“You trying to distract me?” mused Alex as he ran his thumb down the bridge of my nose before resting it on my lips.

“Me?” I asked innocently, unable to hide my amusement.

“As much as my ego would love for you to be thinking about me 24/7, I know that it is highly unlikely, especially given your obsession with shoes. So. What were you thinking?”  Alex gently tapped my temple as his sparkling eyes stared into mine.

I could see he wasn’t going to let this go, the truth is my mind was a jumble. Sometimes I was sure I had some undiagnosed condition like ADD. I had been replaying the events of the day as I always did, my internal audit of the hours gone by.  It was both a comfort and a curse, there was no off button for my brain and I only slept when everything was sorted and compartmentalized. One thought I couldn’t explain was Alex’s reaction to the cupcakes.

I had initially wanted to ask him about it but then with the drive, our sordid romp in James and Hannah’s pool house and the party it had slipped from relevance. But there was something about his expression that I couldn’t let go. I knew he was holding back, almost like the day of his father’s funeral when he walked away from me, from us. I knew it was deeper than an issue with swirled frosting.

“What was with you and the cupcakes?” I blurted out, not realizing I’d actually vocalized my thoughts.

Alex looked at me, bewildered. “Is there any precursor to that random thought or am I supposed to fill in the blanks?”

“Earlier, when you came to my apartment and you saw the cupcakes,” I clarified, filling Alex in on my internal conversation, “you had a strange look on your face, sort of like the day you walked out on me.”

Alex swallowed, “Baby you know I didn’t want to leave you, I thought I had no choice. I thought you didn’t love me. I should never have walked out on you. I should have told you right there and then that I loved you. ”

“I know baby, we both made mistakes back then. I’m not mad, just seeing that look again earlier made me think that maybe you are having second thoughts?” I tried to keep my emotion in check but that look concerned me.

“You think I’m going to leave you?” Alex pulled away suddenly, his hands gripping my arms tightly. “Lexi, NO. I have no second thoughts. My only thoughts of that time are what an ass I was for pushing you away. I will never leave you again. The only way we won’t be together is if you walk out on me.” His gaze intensified as he spoke almost as if he was trying to convince me telepathically as well as orally.

“Then why the look?” I asked, not willing to let it go.

“I want children Lexi. Not now, but someday I want a family. I want to be a father.”

My blood froze, FUCK. Kids? Did I even want kids? I had been so convinced that I would never have children. It just wasn’t for me, I hadn’t even considered that it might be a possibility. My own childhood had been a freaking disaster, I did not want that for another human being. I did not want to repeat my Mother and Father’s mistakes. I had been so careful about never falling pregnant accidentally despite having an extremely active sex life. 

“I... I... don’t know Alex. I don’t think... I would make a very good mother
.” I stumbled through my words not knowing exactly what to say to him.

Alex’s eyes widened in disbelief. “You would make an outstanding Mother. You are strong, dedicated and determined. You are smart and beautiful and have the most amazing heart. Look at the gift you gave Hannah and James. The inscription, how can you think you wouldn’t be a good mother?”

“Because my family are fucking lunatics. It’s different for you. You grew up with a family who cared. To mine I was an inconvenience, an accident, a hindrance. I barely speak to them. They hate me and I’m not real fond of them either.” I felt the anger build inside of me. I couldn’t help it, thinking about those people brought out the worst in me.

“Lexi, I’m sure your family don’t hate you. How could they hate you?” Alex asked unable to comprehend how it was possible that a Mother and Father could feel that way about their own flesh and blood.

“They are Assholes, the lot of them Alex. Trust me, they are toxic and hateful.  Everything I am today is in spite of them. The best thing I ever did was leave home. At least now I can tolerate them in small doses, but that is it. There is no place for them in my life.”

It felt good to finally tell Alex about my family, but I knew he wouldn’t understand. How could he? It was so far removed from what he had experienced, it was inconceivable that parents would reject a child.

“So your fear is that you would repeat their behaviour? That somehow it’s a genetic trait?” Alex struggled to come to grips with what I had told him.

I shrugged but I guess that was it, what if I was genetically predisposed for it? What if my maternal instinct didn’t kick in? You hear stories in the animal world where Mothers actually eat their young. My brother had two children and from all reports he was just as inattentive as my parents had been. What if I was hard-wired to hate him or her? How could I take a gamble like that and potentially fuck up lives? Alex would never forgive me, he would never get over the fact I was a terrible mother. He would be as perfect a father as his had been and as mine had not.

“You are not your parents. Put all that aside, the fact that you think you defective DNA. Do you want a family?” Alex paused for my response.

“The idea of it... yes. I love kids. Kate has four boys and I was there through most of their childhoods. I love the fact they are little people, with their own personalities, their own ideas.”

I did love kids. I had been the cool baby sitter to Kate’s foursome a bunch of times. I let them stay up a little later and taught them to play poker instead of Monopoly. They loved me and I loved them. But having your own was another story.

“Then it’s a possibility?”  Alex looked hopeful.

“Alex, I don’t know. This is obviously important to you. I don’t want you to resent me if I can’t.” I couldn’t just lie to him, not about something this important.

“I told you, the only way we are breaking up is if you leave me. I want a family Lexi, I want children, but I want them with you. It’s not interchangeable. I can’t just find someone else and feel the same way. I promise I won’t pressure you but I want you to at least consider it. Think about it.” Alex ran his hand up my leg and brought it to rest on my hip. “It’s a long way off and think of all the fun we can have practicing.”

“Now who’s trying to distract whom?” I slid my hand down his chest, tracing the definition of his muscles.

“We’re both as bad as each other.” Alex’s grin widened.

“No, you are the bigger tease!” I panted.

“I beg to differ, I believe I still have your panties.”

Alex’s weight shifted so that he was now laying on top of me.

“And yet here you are, still talking,” I baited him further, the anxiety and tension of the earlier conversation no longer taking priority in my mind as my body sought a different kind of solace.

Alex’s lips twisted into his usual mischievous half grin as he slid further down the bed and licked the inner edge of my thigh. 

“I have something better in mind for my mouth.”

A small moan escaped my lips. This was much better than talking.

~~~~~~

“Here is our itinerary, the keys and Matt’s details. He’ll be here a couple of weeks before we get back. I’ll have my phone on all the time except when we are in the air.”

I packed the last items into my hand luggage as Taylah sleepily yawned as she read the list in front of her.

“Relax, I got you covered.”

“Thanks Tay... I’ll be back in two months.” I threw my arms around her as my door buzzer sounded.

“That will be one of the Men in Black. Better not keep them waiting, they have important things like Aliens and shit to handle rather than dealing with your tardy ass. ” Taylah smirked,

I couldn’t help but laugh at her nickname for Power Station’s security. She wasn’t far off the mark. They were constantly dressed in black, eyes shielded by dark sunglasses and they never smiled.  

“I’ll email you from Rome. Say bye to Dave for me!” I grabbed my suitcases as I hurried out of my apartment.

DarNell was waiting in front of my apartment building in a black Escalade. Alex and the band were meeting me at the airport. I wanted to get there early and make sure any last details had been handled.

“Good Morning DarNell,” I chirped a little too enthusiastically as he helped me load my suitcases into the back of the car.

“Mornin’,” grunted DarNell.

I’m guessing he wasn’t a morning person. I had been up since 3 a.m. and was running high on adrenaline and caffeine. This was my first international press tour with the band and I was at the helm. I was wired and excited and had not been able to sleep. Knowing this, I had told Alex it would be better for him to spend the night at his own apartment. He’d protested, insisting that he would help me release my pent up energy but in the end I had won, pulling the “I’m the publicist, don’t argue with me” card.

I checked my watch. 6 a.m. Our flight wasn’t until ten but I knew there would be paparazzi and fans at the airport awaiting our departure and I expected check in would have its challenges.

The traffic was never light in New York, even at 6 a.m. The hustle and bustle of the city was at full force as taxis and cars jostled for position on the roads and the blaring of horns by impatient drivers peppered the morning air.

I settled into my seat and flicked through my iPad to check up on emails. There were a few from back home from Kate, Emma and Anna and for the first time in a long time I was actually a little homesick.

I missed my friends. Each one of them contributed something different to my life and while I loved my new life, I was slow in building new “female” friendships. I had Hannah and Taylah of course, both of which I adored and I saw my former colleague Sydney from time to time but other than that I was too busy to socialize. Hmmm I think I was going to have to rectify that on my return. Having Matt on board would at least allow me the luxury to attempt to have some free time.

DarNell pulled up to the curb-
side drop off zone at JFK Airport as I slid my iPad back into my Michael Kors tote.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to park the car and accompany you in, Lexi?” DarNell turned, skeptical of my decision to have him drop me off. I was glad he had finally stopped calling me Ma’am and despite his steely disposition I think DarNell quietly had a soft spot for me.

“Just help me get my bags out of the back and I’ll see you when you return with the guys. Alex isn’t with me so the going rate of photos of me goes down.” I smiled as I unhooked my seat belt.

DarNell flicked his hazard lights on before stepping out of the Escalade and opening my door.

“I don’t know Lexi, this seems to go against my better judgement. There are some crazies out there. These fan girls who think if they bump you off they’ll have a chance with him. I’d feel more comfortable if you would let me at least get you through security.”

“DarNell, I’m a big girl and there is more security in this airport than at my apartment so I highly doubt that would be possible. Anyway, I’m not averse to bitch-slapping a slut or two. If they feel the need
to take me on, I’ll be fine,” I assured him as he lifted my suitcases out of the car.

He shook his head, clearly disagreeing with me but smart enough not to argue as he placed the last of my luggage at my feet. A baggage service officer happily came over and helped me lift them onto a trolley, while I did my tenth check for my passport and tickets.

“I’ll be back in an hour. Be Alert.” DarNell warned as he hesitated at the driver’s side door.

“Thanks DarNell, I’ve got it from here” I waved back, handing the helpful
curb side assistant a generous tip.

I watched the break lights disappear before I turned to go through the glass doors of the Airport. A couple of photographers snapped pictures of me as I entered, following me to the check in counter.

“Where’s Alex, Lexi?”

“Give us a smile Lexi.”