A LaLa Land Addiction (28 page)

Bleu turned to Noah. “I don't want to sit through this entire thing. I need to get out of here,” she said. She hugged him tightly and slipped her hand into his inner jacket pocket. “Tell your girl thanks, but no thanks. I'm getting clean, Noah. I have to,” she replied.

Bleu walked down the long aisle of the church and Noah frowned in confusion as he reached into his jacket to see what Bleu had placed there. When he pulled out the vial of cocaine fury took over him.

He was on Naomi's ass before he could even stop himself. He grabbed her up by the arm and snatched her down the aisle of the church.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Let me go!” Naomi shouted as she snatched her arm away.

“You gave her this? You put this in her hands knowing what she's struggling with? You that jealous?” Noah asked. Anger blazed in his voice, scorching her with every word that he spoke. He jabbed a stern finger in her face as he checked her. He had to calm himself to stop him from flying all the way off the handle with her. He had never laid a finger on a woman in his life, but Naomi was pushing him. He knew at that moment that he couldn't be with her. This was a malicious side to her that he had not even met yet. Giving Bleu drugs was like giving a suicidal child a loaded gun. Naomi had tried to kill her.

“I don't know what you're talking about. Whatever that bitch told you—”

Noah flung her off of him before she could finish her sentence, sending her flying to the floor in embarrassment. Ms. Monica came racing down the aisle. “Noah, go after Bleu,” Ms. Monica said as she bent down to help Naomi up.

“This shit is a wrap,” Noah said to Naomi. “Being loyal to me means being loyal to the people I fuck with. She's my friend—”

“Friend?” Naomi scoffed as tears flooded her eyes and she dusted herself off. The entire church was watching the dramatic scene unfold and Noah wasn't feeling the theatrics. He walked out, but Naomi was on his tail. He had started the argument, so she was ready to see it through. “Nigga, who you fronting for? I got eyes. I can see the shit that's going on between you two. You got me fetching soup and you putting this bitch in my clothes while you praising the ground that her crackhead ass walks on!” Naomi shot back. “I ain't got no friends that I treat better than my nigga.”

“You ain't got a nigga no more. No, you ain't got to be worried or jealous at all,” he said, walking toward his truck.

Ms. Monica grabbed Naomi. “Let him go. When a man wants to leave, you let him,” she said as Naomi folded like laundry in her arms.

Noah sped out of the parking lot and turned onto the street, looking for Bleu. He spotted her about a block away and pulled up on her recklessly. “Get in, B,” he said.

Bleu followed his command without hesitation and he skirted off, leaving burnt rubber on the pavement as they rode out back to his home.

They didn't speak. They didn't need to. The fact that he had come after her without Naomi said enough. He reached over and grabbed Bleu's hand and she intertwined her fingers with his. There wasn't a person in the world who could make Noah let her go. She belonged to him, and as his heart pumped furiously as a reaction to their connection he began to realize that she meant more to him than what he would like to admit.

When they pulled up to the house Bleu pulled back her hand and they sat awkwardly for a moment. “I'm sorry she did that to you. I'm sorry I even had somebody around you that had malice toward you,” he said.

“It's okay,” she said. “You just fell in love with a crazy bitch.” She smiled.

“Is she really that crazy, B?” he asked seriously. “Shit between us has always been complicated, and there's been so much going on since you got back. I know you're dealing with this baby news and trying to stay clean. I'm trying to be here for all of that. Every day—”

“You have been, Noah. You've done more than enough,” Bleu interrupted him.

“With you, Bleu. I want to be with you and I'm tired of playing the back, waiting for the right time. I fuck with you, Bleu. The long way, and it ain't poetic. I ain't no fancy nigga selling you la-la land dreams, but I do love you,” he said.

“You don't want me. You don't love me. Like this,” she said, her eyes tearing. After all Bleu had done she didn't think she was worthy of love.

“I love you at your worst and I want to love you back to your best,” Noah admitted.

“No,” she said as she opened her door and ran toward the front door.

“Bleu!” Noah called after her as he climbed out, following her.

“Just open the door, Noah,” she pleaded.

“Why are you crying?” he asked, pinning her against the door as he looked down at her. She was so fragile, so insecure, and so broken. She had no idea how she looked through his eyes. If she did, she would love herself more.

“Your expectations are too high for me, Noah! I'm not perfect Bleu anymore. I ain't shit. I'm a girl who likes to get high. I'm a girl who isn't even excited about her own baby. I hate this baby because I can't smoke while it's inside of me. I hate the way you look at me … like I'm this prize … this dream girl. I'm nothing. I'm nobody and I'm never going to be anything more than what you see now.”

“Stop crying,” Noah said as he wiped her tears.

“I wanted to sniff that coke today, Noah!” she shouted. “When Naomi gave me the drugs, I was this close to stuffing it up my nose,” she said, pinching her fingers together in front of his face. “I wanted it more than anything I've ever wanted in my life. So don't profess your love for me! Don't stop fucking with Naomi for me, don't change everything in your life for me, because I'm going to disappoint you. You don't know shit about loving somebody like me. I do. I loved my mother and she let me down every time!” Bleu was shouting, trying to get Noah to understand that she wasn't worth loving. “I have a baby inside me and I almost did a line of coke today,” she said in a defeated whisper as if she couldn't believe it. “I'm so fucked up. I don't even know how to go back. It's like I might as well keep fucking up because it's too late to be anything better.”

Noah squeezed his nose, struggling with seeing her this way. He looked to the side for a moment, gathering himself before he focused back on her. He grabbed her chin and forced her to stare directly into his eyes. “You almost sniffed that shit today, but you didn't. A week ago you would have done it without thinking twice. That's called growth, B. You have to acknowledge the small things you're doing right. It's not just about the end goal; it's about making the right decision every day, every step of the way, every minute, until you don't even think about putting another drug in your body. You're making progress and that's all you can do. I love you and I'm not going nowhere and you're not going nowhere. Not this time. We did that already. We let life take us away from each other. We staying here this time, with each other, no matter how hard it gets,” he said. He kissed her and she melted into him. “You'll be okay. I'm going to make sure of it,” he said. It was a promise that he would die before breaking.

*   *   *

Noah sat in his luxury basement, in front of a pile of money. The different denominations were stacked up so high that they were taller than him when he stood. He had sat there for hours, running the bills through a money machine, counting and recounting until he had come up with the total of $800,000. He wasn't rich, but he wasn't hurting either, especially considering the fact that his house was paid off; that money could last for a long time if he invested it wisely. The doorbell rang and he quickly covered the cash before heading upstairs. Bleu was sleeping. He didn't want to wake her. The past few days had been rough, but she was finally out of the detox stage. It was the first night she had rested without tossing and turning. He snatched open the door.

“Nigga, I told you to call when you pulled up,” Noah said as he greeted Messiah.

“My fault, fam. You called me over here in the middle of the night. I was half-sleep when you called,” Messiah said. “What was so urgent that it couldn't wait until morning?”

“I'm out,” Noah said.

“You out of what? Bread? Sugar? Milk? My nigga? Cuz I know you're not saying what I think you're saying,” Messiah said.

“I'm out of the game, man,” Noah clarified as he rubbed the top of his head in stress.

“This got anything to do with that girl?” Messiah asked. “We just got started. You got the plug. It's so much money out here to make, bruh. We on our way to being legends, my g. You sure you want to give all this up?”

“I'll plug you and you can have everything we still got on the streets. I ain't trying to leave you dry. It just ain't for me,” Noah said.

“Nigga, you took to this shit like a duck to water. What you mean, it ain't for you?” Messiah asked in disbelief. “This green money ain't for you?”

“This shit got a foot on my girl's neck, G. I can't ask her to give this shit up if I'm still out here knee-deep in it. The money is good. It runs through my hands like water, but the way I'm getting it…” He paused as he thought of Bleu. “It got to be a better way.”

“I dig it, fam. That's one hunnid for real. You love your old lady. This her weakness, then you got to be her strength. That's what a real man do,” Messiah said as he slapped hands with Noah.

“No doubt,” Noah replied.

“But you know Naomi around town talking reckless. She knows a lot,” Messiah said.

“Let birds chirp, my nigga. It's half my fault anyway. I should have cut shit off sooner than I did. She'll get over it when she meet the next made nigga to get under,” Noah assured.

Bleu cleared her throat as she entered the room and Messiah stood.

“I'll hit you tomorrow,” Messiah said. He nodded to Bleu. “What up, shorty doo-wop?” he said. “You getting your weight up. You look good. You never belonged out there anyway.”

She smiled bashfully and looked at her feet as the men concluded their business.

When Messiah was gone, Noah turned to Bleu. “Come here,” he said. She walked over to him and he pulled her into his arms. “I want to show you something.”

He led her to the basement, and when Bleu saw the pile of money on the table she gasped.

“I trust you. That's why I'm showing you this. The combination to my safe is eleven, oh-eight, oh-seven, eighty-five. I just told Messiah I'm out of the game. I can't support you if I'm still selling dope, Bleu. So I'm done. For you, I'm done,” Noah said.

Bleu rushed into his arms and held him so tightly that it felt like their heartbeats had synced.

“We still gon' take over the world, B. We just have to find our way. That's all,” he said.

She looked up at him and suddenly just wanted to kiss him. Bleu wanted to feel him. She wanted to be with him. She couldn't use dope, but she didn't mind him being her drug.

He wanted her just as much as she wanted him. She could feel his strength pressing into her, so when he pulled back she frowned in confusion.

Lust filled the air, but embarrassment filled her as she said, “You don't want me?”

“I want you, but you're growing life inside your right now, B. Another man's seed,” Noah said. She lowered her head. “Let's just wait until the time is right. When this baby comes, I'll love it like it's mine. I don't feel no type of way about providing for you or about raising a baby with you. But doing this when your body is vulnerable and your mind is vulnerable doesn't feel right.”

She nodded and walked upstairs, wondering how many more awkward moments they would have before everything just felt normal between them.

 

22

I ain't been right since you left L.A. I miss you.

—
Iman

Bleu drew in a sharp breath as she stopped walking midstep. She hadn't heard from him in five months, and now out of the blue here he was, sending text messages of endearment to her. She was just starting to get her life back on track. She had been clean for six months. They had been the hardest days of her life, but she had fought for every one. It was like the world drew Iman to her. As soon as she had started to move on with her life with Noah, Iman shot her a text out of the blue. For so many nights she had thought of him, missed him, and wondered if she should save her love for him instead of going forward with Noah 100 percent. Reading Iman's words brought out so many emotions in her. It took her back to the intensity that he made her feel and brought confusion into her heart. She was pissed that this was the first time he had reached out since she left. Still she was excited that he was thinking about her at all. Even after his being absent from her life, she still got butterflies in her stomach at the thought of him. He had left an imprint on her life that was hard to erase. She knew that eventually she would have to call him. He deserved to know about the baby growing in her stomach. Noah had assured her that he would be there, but he still hadn't touched her in a sexual way. It was like Iman's baby stopped her from being loved fully by Noah. At least that's what it felt like. She couldn't help but think that Noah would get fed up one day and leave her. No man wanted to take care of a kid who didn't belong to him. Although Noah never gave her reason to doubt him, she felt like a burden … like a girl with too much baggage.

As she tucked her phone into her handbag she sighed. It was insecurities like these that made her want to go back to her old ways. Whenever her emotions began to overwhelm her it made her want to use drugs. She couldn't handle stress. She had relied on different substances to dull her pain for so long that she had to remember how to work through it without clouding her mind. She had to be very aware of the type of energy she invited into her life. The wrong person could send her spiraling back out of control, and Bleu couldn't afford that. She took a deep breath and thought,
Just focus on today. One thing at a time. One goal at a time. One day at a time.