A Journey of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 9) (20 page)

Devious and sly,

phony musical symph,

oh, dangerous and beautiful sight.

Strangers fall, by and by,

for the enchanting nymph,

beware the charms of a woodland sprite.

                               
-From the Epoch of Enauck

~boin-gy~   ~boin-gy~   ~boin-gy~

“Oh, golly, this ain’t no good. I can’t be bouncing up and down by my snared ankle, I’ve got to find Miss Plumtartt. Hanging here upside-down ain’t no good at all. I need to get down out of this tree-sprung, foot noose. Hey, I see movement. Someone’s coming this way. Oh my Goodness, it’s three beautiful girls!”

“Howdy, Ladies, y’all be careful, these here woods are full of traps! Speaking of which would y’all mind helping me down?”

“Gwendolyn, darling, you have caught a rabbit, in your snare.”

“Indeed, Vicki, dear. It is a rather pathetic little excuse for a rabbit. T’is hardly worth eating. Should we release it back into the wild, until it comes to full maturity?”

“Oh, but sister Nubielle, this is such a peculiar little rabbit. It speaks!”

“Yes, Gwendolyn GoodShrubbs, this is an oddity. Let us take our catch to our private glade.”

“What are you doing? Hey, why are you tying my hands together? It will be hard to catch myself when you cut that vine what holds me... oof! ...up. Yeah, like that. Hey, why are you tying my feet together? Oh, I see. It’s so you can run a pole between them and tote me on it. Hey! You ain’t gotta do that! I can walk just fine! You girls in your short little buckskin skirts ain’t got to carry me.”

“Silence, little rabbit. Here is a carrot to munch on.”

“rrhom, nrrohm rrranks, rrRa’am!”

“Vicki Evervixen, start the fire.”

“Yes, Nubielle Clearbelle, I shall have the water hot in a short time!”

“Come, Gwendolyn, help me to prepare our little male.”

“Yes, Nubielle!”

“Thank you, my dear. Tell me, halflet, you’re not scared, are you?”

“No Ma’am, y’all seem like some nice girls!”

“Oh, yes, we are nice girls, indeed.”

“
Tee, hee,
yes, nice!”

“And hungry!”

“Shh! Never mind that, my sweet and tender little halflet.  You don’t mind if we help you to be comfortable, do you?”

“Um, I reckon not, Ma’am.”

“Oh that is good. Gwendolyn, be a dear and help our guest with his footwear.”

“Yes!”

“That ain’t necessa...”

“I shall help the halflet with his shirt.”

“Hey! Okay, okay, I’m comfortable already!”

“You’ll be comfortable when I say you’re comfortable! That shirt is coming off! Gwenny, snatch its pants and anything else it might be wearing!”

“Yes, Nubielle!”

“Hey!”

“Silence! I said to be comfortable!”

“Yes, Ma’am, but y’all done snatched away all my clothes!”

“Wash the halflet!”

“Yes, Nubielle!”

“Hey! What’s going on?!”

“We want to make sure you are clean before we put you in the water.”

“Woah!
Miss Gwendolyn is being extra thorough in making sure I’m clean! Hey, that’s funny, y’all wanting to wash me up, before a bath.”

“Bath? Ohhh, riiiight, a bath. How’s that water, Vicki? Is our little rabbit’s ‘bath’ ready?”

“Throw him in, Nubielle!”

~splash!~

“Hey, the water in this big, black kettle is just right! Thanks, ladies!”

“We’re going to add these sliced carrots, celery, and onion to the water. It’s to, eh, soften your skin.”

“Y’all are mighty considerate. What are y’all doing, now? Eek! You’re taking off those skimpy little dresses! I have to look away!”

“Of course, little rabbit, we don’t want to frighten you. We will don something else. It only takes a moment to prepare. Here, let me put some more on you, Vicki.”

“Let me put some of this on Gwenny.”

“Let me apply some to Nubielle!”

“Okay, halflet, you can look now.”

“Gee, those are some skin tight outfits y’all girls got on! It looks like y’all ain’t wearing nothing but mud!”

“On this count, you catch on quick, halflet. Now then, sisters, let us dance!”

“I think this bath water is plenty hot now, y’all can turn down the flames. I know y’all are busy dancing around this here pot and campfire, but this here water is getting really hot!”

This homely runt,

not hard to dupe.

Easy to hunt,

instant soup.

We dress in mud,

and earthen skirt.

Our Hexes flood,

and bless this dirt.

Let nutrition be gained,

from nature’s halflet,

In the soup go the brains,

We’ll scrap over the calf, yet.

“Were y’all saying grace? That’s good, cause I’m real hungry. Say, something smells good! Um, I think I’m ready to come out of this here water. It is really uncomfortable!”

“Shhhh. Quiet, little rabbit. We wish for you to stay there until you are done.”

“I’m done, I’m done! Turn around, don’t look. My skin is all pruney.”

“You’ll stay in the pot, you silly rabbit. Tricks are for kids, baby goat.”

“I ain’t tricking! I gotta get out of here!”

“No!”

“Quit pushing me back in! Bath-time is over!”

“Stay in the water, you, halflet rabbit!”

“Ow, ow, ow! It hurts! The water is too hot! Y’all quit pushing me back in! Y’all are being mean!”

“Be silent! Verily, thou art as squirmy as any rabbit I have ever encountered!”

“Ow, ow, ow!”

“What are you girls doing? Are you cooking that halflet alive? Stop that! Get him out of that water immediately!”

“Yes, Prince Valiance!”

“Wooh! That’s a lot better! Gee, whiz, I ain’t never been so clean in all my life! When y’all take a bath, y’all ain’t playing around!”

“The orders were to apprehend the pair and bring them to council.”

“There were two, so we thought we would eat one, and bring you the other. Don’t worry, we saved you the good one. The runt we kept for a nutritional snack and pick me up.”

“Yes, we found the female. She is with the rest of the squad and should be here directly. You there, the male halflet, tell me, is your species always so, ehhh, pink?”

“Nossir, it’s on account of that there hot vegetable bath and my blushing at being exposed to so many people in such a vulnerable manner. Can I have my clothes back, please?”

“Ladies?”

“Vicki took its clothes!”

“Well, Vicki Evervixen?”

“I burned them, Prince Valiance. Lo’ the horrid things gave an awful stench.”

“You burned my clothes?! All of them?”

“No. Here’s your hat.”

“Thanks, Ma’am.”

“Clothe the lad in something, for Woodland’s sake. The rest of the patrol will be here at any moment. Ah, here they are now.”

“I say, Mr. Temperance, do you suffer a draft, eh hem?”

“Eek! Don’t look, Miss Plumtartt!”

“One attempts not to, Mr. Temperance, but I find myself strangely transfixed at your, if you’ll pardon me, predicament, eh hem?”

“These here are a bunch of mean girls, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am! They done tricked me out of my clothes and then they burned them!”

“I see. Oh, Mr. Temperance, I should like to offer a suggestion if I may, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“I know you are bashful and are experiencing terrible embarrassment at this moment, are you not?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“I thought as much, though I would suggest that you protect
us
from embarrassment my covering your privates, with your derby hat, rather than protecting
oneself
from embarrassment by covering your face, eh hem?”

“Oh! Right! Sorry, y’all.”

“Troopers! Do any of you have any extra clothing? This boy needs a tunic and breetches. No? No one has any extra clothes we can cover the halflet in?”

“What happened to your clothes, Miss Plumtartt? You no longer have your long, bustled dress. Now you are wearing a daring, sleeveless, tight-fitting, short-hemmed, green-dyed buckskin dress like these here elf girls. They even hooked you up with some knee-high soft leather boots.”

“I was not happy about being trapped beneath my skirts earlier with the snare episode. Besides that, I am given to understand that we are expecting a cavalry of some kind. I hope to ride into battle and I do not expect to do it side-saddle.”

“Oh come on, y’all, ain’t nobody got nothing for me to wear?”

“Tee, hee! I know! I have an old dress that I outgrew long ago. It is far too small for me, but will probably fit the halflet just right. Here you go, little rabbit, put this on!”

“Good, now then, let us see to important matters. We have watched the omens. There have been spies of the Dark One lurking through the forests. Strange beasts, such as two-headed crows, eight-legged dogs, and disgusting insects that hover about as disembodied eyeballs have been reported throughout our lands. Outriders told us of an Oreorcan army marching against Equidonia, and their subsequent withdrawal. Now the poisonous smoke of planet-choking plagues is blowing overhead as in Ages of old. We have recognized the turning of the Age. The elves of Sylvan Glade have never forgotten the words of Enauck. We are the descendants of the good prince, Prince Gneikllause. We will finally have our revenge. Persephone has told us of Lord Stratusbourne’s plan. I agree. There is no breaking the prophecy, so let us go ahead and speed it to fruition. This army of elves shall be the army of prophecy that throws the Dark One down.”

“Do you mean you all are already prepared to go to war?”

“Yes, halflet. We have heard of our opponent’s steeds: black equestrians with deadly, single horns protruding from the creatures’ heads. The riders are skilled archers and deadly spearmen. This is the cavalry of the High Elves, the Dark One’s brood. We are the Low Elves and we have steeds of our own.”

“Oh, goody, I like horsies!”

“No, halflet, we do not have horses in this world. Ah, here we are, t’is their leader that bounds through the forests and bursts upon us!”

“Woah! Oh my Goodness! It is a twenty point buck! That is the biggest deer I ever saw!”

“Quite so, Mr. Temperance. I say, this stag is as large as a Clydesdale horse and as fierce as a tiger!”

“Prince Valiance! Let me through! I have a message for Prince Valiance!”

“Messenger, here I am. What news do you bring?”

“Battle is being fought on our Western borders!”

“Then we ride to meet it!”

“I say, Prince Valiance, could you spare a steed for Mr. Temperance and myself?”

“You two are small and not very warlike.”

“Nevertheless, we have vested interests in the outcome of the coming war. We should hope to prove ourselves worthy of riding into battle along with your elvish warriors.”

“Heck yeah, Prince Valiance! Give me my magic dwarf battle-pick back and I’ll lay a wallop on them Oreorans that you wouldn’t believe!”

“Let it be so! To arms, my elvish folk; we ride to end an Age!”

Evil spawns a deadly host,

a great Noble is brought low,

Winged Nobility they would slay.

Premature is this boast,

for the ancient hero,

help arrives to turn the sway.

                               
-From the Epoch of Enauck

“
Hah,
ha, ha, ha!
Die,
Lord von Stratusbourne! Look upon me, Lady Invelopum Destructica! I am the new Queen and favoured consort of the Dark One. It is fitting that
I
should be the one to slit the throat of such a fossil from a by-gone era as you. Out with the old and in with the new.
Hah,
ha, ha, ha!”

“I refuse to accept this reign!”

“Fool! The
Shard of Essence
is in the hands of the Dark One! The land proclaims its fealty by spewing forth black witness! The sky is dark over your head, Lord von Stratusbourne! The so called eternal sun is being slowly, but surely, blotted out. It will remain so until the end of this time. Long may we live in the Age of Darkness! Farewell, Winged Nobility; long live the
New
Nobility!”

“Hang the Age of Darkness!”

“Oh, by my overbit fangs, Invelopum, darling, hurry up and kill him already.”

“I would if you three will hold him still. My cavalry has expelled all their arrows and spears against this stubborn old dinosaur. I will plunge my sword into his filthy jugular at the next opportunity.”

“Sebastian, Trevour and myself are doing our part in pinning him to the ground. You and your blasted cavalry are supposed to finish the old buzzard!”

“Geoffrey, listen. I hear fresh cavalry approaching. They shall finish off Lord von Stratusbourne.”

“Fresh cavalry? What the Devil are you talking about? There is no fresh cavalry.”

“No, Invelopum, Sebastian is correct. I distinctly hear a mighty battalion bearing down on this position. There, you hear? They blow their trumpets in triumph.”

“Trumpets? My cavalries do not use bugle or trumpet! From where do these troops come?”

“From out of the East, Lady Destructica.”

“Out of the East?! How can this be? My elves! Hear your general! Break off the dragon attack! Form ranks! Prepare to throw back an incoming assault!”

“Invelopum! Get back here and slit this beast’s throat!”

“Sebastian, look! I see them! A vast, unruly horde of wild cavalry is bearing down upon us!”

“Those are not black mono-horns they ride! Those are not black-haired High elves. Those are light-haired Low elves!”

“We are not prepared to meet them! All my elvish cavalry, fall back!”

“Lady Destructica, get back here! You can’t abandon us!”

“The Dark One’s elves are being chased from the field! A single stag is coming our way. The steed bears two small riders. Not to worry, my brothers, these tiny warriors are not armed for combat with beings such as we. Ow! That little female shot me with an arrow! Ow! She did it again! That hurts!”

“Trevour, watch out! One of the riders has dismounted and is running toward you. It looks like a skinny young female with close shorn hair. She is at your feet and is wielding a garden tool.”

“Owww!
Ow, wow, wow, ow! It bit me! The filthy little creature struck me with her awful pick and it hurt!”

“Trevour, don’t let go of Lord Stratusbourne!”

“Eek! Now she is headed over this way! Shoo! Shoo! Get away from my claw-
wow-ow-wow!
She struck me! It hurt!”

“Sebastian, no! Don’t let go of Lord Stratusbou-
woah!”

“Eee-
Aye
-rRoark!!!”

“Get your filthy claws off me, you dirty snape.”

“Eek! Lord von Stratusbourne is loose!”

“There’s going to be a merry price to pay for your insolence, my younglings!”

“Fire in the hole!”

~PRRRZZZZZSSSS!!!~

~HWAUERRRHRH!!!~

“Ha, ha! That’s it, Brimstone! Give them a taste of an old-fashioned cook-out.”

“Just so, m’Lord, we have them on the run, eh what?”

“Ha, ha! Take that, you young ruffian! I dare say, the barbs of my tail doth rattle thy brains!”

“I have these tenderloins seared to perfection, Lord Stratusbourne; you are cleared to dine upon their naughty flesh at thy royal leisure.”

“Quite so, well done, so to speak, Brimstone. Three for you and three for me. That sounds about right, for I am absolutely famished for vengeance! Charge!”

“Retreat! These old goats are murder!”

“Eek! Get this maniac off me!”

“We must withdraw to the Northern Plains, where it’s safe!”

“Ha, ha, it’s working, Leatherfitz! The elven army is retreating back through the wide, Ogre’s Mouth pass! The dragon support has turned tail!”

“Our elven allies press our advantage and pursue our enemies onto their own territory.”

“Leatherfitz, look at the ground ahead. It is changing colour. It moves. Great Dragon Eggs, it is being eaten by an overgrowing mass!”

“That mass just opened a causeway and allowed the Dark One’s elvish cavalry to escape. We are witnessing the onslaught of an Oreorcan army.”

“Unbelievable! I’ve never seen such a horde! We must strafe those ugly brutes to save our allies! They are unprepared for such an assault.”

“Eee-
Aye
-rRoark!!!”

“Fire in the hole!”

~PRRRZZZZZSSSS!!!~

~HWAUERRRHRH!!!~

“My breath of fire and your raking claws have nominal effect on their ranks, Leatherfitz. Their numbers are beyond counting.”

“Our elvish allies recognize their threat. They have wheeled their mounts and now charge back out of these Northern Plains with an overwhelming Oreorcan army at their heels.”

“More dragon foes fill the air, m’Lord. The battle is lost.”