A Journey of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 9) (14 page)

Begone from our lands,

hurry, take flight.

Trapped in our hands,

we shall enjoy their plight.

Never will they,

escape our trance,

Doomed to sleep, and hug trees,

And ‘cross treacherous meadows, prance.

“Nae, lassies, these are me quest mates and I’ll not abandon them. Here, Icksy, I’ll tie the other end of ye’re tether to me belt. Rip Van Morganstern, I’ll toss over me shoulder, and this tree hugging elf, I’ll drag along behind me, by the scruff of his robe. Toodle-loo, me darlins.”

~~~

“Lah, didah.”

“Sno-o-o-o-ore...”

“Verily, mmm-wanhhh!”

“Ach, I shall gain another compass reading. Aye, we have maintained a steady Eastern direction, and we appear to finally be leaving the embrace of the FaeryLand woods. The lush woods now look out upon a vast, unending, unforgiving and harsh desert landscape.”

You thought you were smart!

You thought you were clever!

You’re stuck like a dart.

These slaves will leave us never!

“If I am stuck, lassies, then you are stuck with an angry dwarf in your forests. You leave me no choice. With my axe I will fell your trees, and your meadows will I set aflame!”

This isn’t right!

This isn’t fair!

We will not suffer blight,

Take the fools from our care!

“Lah, di-hunh?”

“Sno-o-o-o-ore...burbity! What time is it? I’m hungry!”

“Verily, my lips taste of bark.”

“That’s it, me wee, little lassies, now then, how do we cross this desert?”

“Impossible!”

“Axe and fire.”

“Eek! No! What you propose would be tragic.

There is an alternative, but it requires faery magic.

Tell us that our forests will not burn,

and we’ll do this thing but need something in return.

“Harumph. What do we have that would interest a tiny, translucent tramp like you?”

“Gee, let’s see. How about an official, baseball trading card of rare significance! It has an authorized signature of my favourite player, Knobby Spitzbauhlle!”

“Verily, I have a very studly Waunhke pendant. Elf chicks totally dig it!”

“We desire dwarf magic!”

“Burbity. How long are these negotiations going to take? What time is it, anyway? Let’s see, I’ll just take a look at my golden pocket watch. Blast it, I neglected to wind it while I was asleep! Temperance, this is all your fault!”

“Oops, I’m sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t wind my watch! Harumph. I’ll just do it myself. Harumph.”

~wind, wind, wind~

~tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic~

Callou, callay!

Frabby-frab, hip-hooray!

This artifact will stay,

and you’ll leave without delay!

“Burbity burb! You can’t take my watch! I had that watch bestowed on me for recognition of my selfless efforts in heartless industrialism!”

“Be silent, SternMorgan! Givest these lithesome horrors their prize!”

“Harumph. And just what are we getting in return?”

Take off your shoes!

Show us your feet!

From our lands we’ll shoo,

Then enjoy our treat!

In us you must believe,

From your heads to your roots.

Now hurry and leave,

on your new faery boots!

“I don’t know, y’all, I was brought up to never take my shoes off in front of a lady.”

“Dinnae be daft, Icksy, these winged, nubile devils are no ladies!”

“It’s working! Verily, as I remove my curled elven wizard boots, tell-tale trails of golden glowing dust motes swirling about my feet indicate that faery magic is afoot, so to speak.”

On magic boots, you will leave FaeryLand.

They will keep you from sinking, into the sand.

From scorching granules, they will protect from burn,

Their weight in gold will swiftly earn,

Great speed will they add to your cross of the expanses,

but,

you’re on your own, and we don’t care for your chances.

Sweltering furnace,

burning tempest of sand,

bone littered desert of scalding Sun.

Death’s strangling necklace,

secured by mortality’s hand,

in the domain of this desolate cauldron.

                               
-From the Epoch of Enauck

“B-b-b-burbity, b-b-b-burb, burb, burb! Can’t these blasted Faery Boots run any slower? I can’t stand this any longer!”

“Better hang in there and keep running, Mr. Morganstern, sir, I don’t know what would happen if we tried to stop!”

“SternMorgan is correct. Verily, this fevered running is intolerable!”

“Ach, do ye wish to join the multitudes of skeletal remains we pass? These were hearty, armoured troops, and they fell to the beasts that inhabit this foul land of soft sands.”

“I don’t think this land was always this way, y’all. Why, just look at those magnificent architectural remains we scamper past. We have passed dozens of these huge cathedrals. Their massive, alabaster columns still remain, rising high into the air. These sculpted arches maintain a uniform curve until they come together to support a knobbley roof beam at a lofty height. The halls beneath must have been incredible in their time.”

“Foolish halflet! These monuments are not the remains of ancient cathedrals; verily, they are the rib cages and spines of great dragons!”

“Oh my Goodness, you’re right, Mr. Legolamb, sir! Golly, y’all sure grow y’all’s dragons big around here!”

“Indeed, and those are just the ones that dwell above ground. Verily, I reserve my concern for what lurks beneath these sands.”

“Oh, golly, I wish you had not said that, sir. Now my imagination is telling me that there is movement below us.”

“Harumph. Yes, and your blasted imagination is making it very difficult for me to run on this trembling sand.”

“I can’t really give my imagination too much credit, Mr. Morganstern, sir; I have to acknowledge that this here desert is becoming less substantial than a politician’s campaign promise.”

“Ach, a whirlwind of sand pursues us on our right.”

“Verily, a localized sandstorm parallels our left.”

“Blast it, Temperance, here I am, stuck in the middle with you!”

“Sorry, sir! Oh Goodness, there are lots of them there dust devils swirling about us as we fly across the burning sands. I think they are forming up. By My Great Grandmother’s Biscuits, y’all, they are turning into a huge, two-headed sand monster!”

“Verily, swords avail us not.”

“Ach, nae me good battle axe!”

“If he would hold still, one grain at a time and on a nice rock or an anvil, I betcha I could crush his sandy bits with my magic pick, but that ain’t likely to happen.”

“Blast it, Temperance, this is another fine mess you’ve gotten me into! I’m too important to be sanded into oblivion!”

Entering my domain,

Is a trial you should not dare.

I suffer no one,

to cross my lair.

Fresh flesh to destroy,

is an opportunity rare.

Safety is abandoned,

when you enter my care.

“Ach, the mighty jaws dip down to eat us up!”

“Eek! There ain’t diddly we can do!”

“Eep! I will never live to see my sweet dividends! Bur, bur, buh, boo, hoo, hoo.”

“No! Fight, you sissies, fight! Verily, I may have a spell to dispel this granular apparition! Fight it off that I may ready my magics!”

“Aye!”

“Yessir!”

Harumph. Yes, you dwarves fight that thing away from me!”

Vicious wind,

of righteous Malevolence,

see us now;

grant us an Audience.

Our quest is nearly done,

now push us to Transcendence.

Rain down on our enemy,

With a wrathful Turbulence!

“Mr. Legolamb has done conjured up a frightful wind to do battle with that there titanic sand monster!”

“Burbity! This howling wind is nearly enough to take me off my faery booted feet!”

“Ach, faery boots, dinnae fail me now!”

“Oh, golly, I’m wearing my faery boots, and you know I just got to believe!”

“Let sand and wind do battle! Away, my friends, fly!”

~~~

“Gee, I think them distant mountains are finally getting closer. Oh my Goodness, they
are
closer; we are almost across this terrible desert, y’all!”

“Verily, the jagged peaks of the Dragon’s Maw rise straight up from the desert floor. For all intents, they extend for an eternity.”

“Ach, our faery boots lessen their maddened pace. Yea, we are all slowing down, me mates.”

“Burbity, my legs cannot support me. Temperance, get over here; I'm collapsing!”

“Gee whiz, Mr. Morganstern, sir, we all are! After all that scampering across the desert in our faery boots, all of our legs are exhausted. My legs are more rubbery than an artificial worm.”

“With their task accomplished, verily, our boots dissipate into nothingness. Let us reacquire our former footwear.”

“Harumph, why, just look at the endless pinnacles and perpetual peaks. There’s no way you expect me to climb those inscalable mountainsides. Harumph.”

“I am determined to save Miss Plumtartt, sir.”

“She was devoured by this blasted dragon long ago, boy! Stop all this ridiculous nonsense once and for all. Harumph.”

“It ain’t nonsense! I just got to believe that she is all right and just needs me to come rescue her.”

“Ach, Icksy is a good lad. I am willing to keep the quest along his side.”

“Verily, I doubt Persephone’s survival, however, she was in possession of the
Shard of Essence
when Lord Stratusbourne snatched her away. It is imperative that we retrieve that gem and protect it from falling into the hands of the Dark One. I will continue this quest.”

“Burbity. You two are as delusional as the boy. Are you gentlemen forgetting the size of that ghastly beast? There is no way you can defy this leviathan.”

“Yessir, he’s a big’un all right. That there dragon is bigger than most cities I’ve been in.”

“Burbity, not to mention the awful creature’s wrathful disposition. He will not like the idea of intruders in his realm.”

“Nossir, I don’t reckon he will. You’re right about all that, but it don’t matter none. We’re going to climb these mountains and get her accomplished.”

“Burbity. We are looking for a needle in a haystack and I do not like the looks of this impenetrable haystack!”

“Ach, JayPee is correct on that score, my Icksy.”

“Nossir, look! I can just barely make out a distant wisp of smoke. Where there’s smoke there is fire and just as sure as there’s bedbugs in the county jail, I betcha that’s where that evil dragon makes his terrible lair.”

Strength ripples through armoured scales,

bloody talon and gnarly claw;

beautiful terror is Winged Nobility.

None live to tell tales,

of things felt and saw,

when met by the Kings of Hostility.

                               
-From the Epoch of Enauck

“How
dare
you, puny human! Hear my words, female, for your very
life
is at stake! This living force cannot be resisted! You have defied me for the last time! Insolence! I, Lord
Leatherfitz von Stratusbourne,
am the last of my kind, but I was and still am, the greatest dragon as has ever lived in this world! My thought is omnipotent command! You will do as I say, Persephone Plumtartt!”

“No, please, no!”

“Resistance is
futile!
You must do as I say!”

“No, I cannot! Please, please, don’t make me!”

“Woman, this is your last chance! Do as I command! Do it! Do it!
Do it!”

“No! Mercy, please! I beg you!”

“Persephone darling, you know I will be absolutely crushed if you refuse me!”

“Oh, Fitzy, dear boy, if I have one more morsel I shall surely burst! You feed me so many delicious meals, I fear that you are fattening me up to enjoy later perhaps, eh hem?”

“Ho, ho, Persephone, such a scrumptious delight as you is one to be savoured by sight and mind, not by taste bud. Now really, you must sample this baked clam soufflé, for I harvested the clams myself!”

“I say, Fitzy dear, I cannot recall another time when I have been more pampered.”

“As well you should, darling. I adore being allowed to spoil you, my precious pet. Won’t you have another slice of pie?”

“Oh, Fitzy, you are going to be the ruin of my figure. Your culinary skills are beyond comprehension. How on Middle o’ Earthhe did you ever become such an accomplished, gourmet chef?”

“My beautiful child, I think it is the hyper-sensitivity of my olfactory organs that allow me to select and produce the ingredients that will blend and lend the subtle flavours that I prefer. To be honest, my self-imposed exile has been a lonely retreat. It has been Ages since I had a friend or confidante. I relish this opportunity to share my cooking. Your delightful company, razored wit, infectious humour and sparking conversation are reminders of a time long removed from this world. I had forgotten how I longed for such simple luxuries.”

“I am flattered, m’Lord.”

“Persephone, you cannot hide your feelings from me. I know that you are troubled.”

“Well, I honestly thought that my rescue team would have been here by now.”

“Persephone!
Rescue
team? Preposterous! Nowhere on Middle o’ Earthhe is more safe than this mountain top cavern/castle. No army can assault this Eyre! The great race of dragons is nearly extinct. Only one as I could make war against this remote citadel. I pledge to protect you from harm. Have faith in this impenetrable, fortress keep.”

“My paramour is exceptionally tenacious and loyal, LeatherFitz. I really did expect him to have been here by now. You don’t suppose anything could have happened to him do you, eh hem?”

“Oh, Persephone, my poor child, you must desist in this line of thought. That boy could never cross the trackless wastes that separate us. From the point that I rescued the
Shard of Essence,
and incidentally, yourself, in the land of the centaurs, incomprehensible distances lie between. My flight shrank those distances, but to make that journey by land would take one of your kind several lifetimes. I am sorry to remind you of this, but the dangers within those intervening expanses are all hideous, deadly, and impassable. Please put all thoughts of your former companions behind you, and look forward to a life of spoiled, royal treatment.”

“Though there is logic and merit in your words, my feelings for Mr. Temperance transcend logical explanation. So too, does my confidence in his imminent arrival.”

~sigh~
“I shall be here to comfort you, Persephone darling, when you are ready to accept reality. Oh! I just remembered, I have a cake in the oven! I must see to... Hello, what’s this?
I am detecting a foreign scent! I smell the blood of men! I smell dwarf and elf! My keep is under assault! Inconceivable! Who dares such insolence!”

“I say, this just may be the party that I was expecting, Fitzy, dear.”

“Really!
Ha, ha! Persephone, of course you’re right. I feel so foolish for not having listened to you. Can you ever forgive me?”

“I say, one supposes she might be so inclined if you could be so good as to go and gather these fellows before they plunge to their demise from your frightful mountain inclines, eh hem?”

“Ho, ho! Of course Persephone, I shall be back directly.”

“Oh, dear, the windstorm caused by Lord Stratusbourne’s terrible wings threatens to disrupt my hair! Fitzy worked so hard at getting my Gibson Girl hairstyle perfect. He went to a lot of trouble to incorporate that large, pink crystal into the coiffe. I know it would offend his sensibilities should a single hair be out of place. His scaly hide truly protects a sensitive heart. Ah, here he is, returning with his prey within those lengthy claws.”

“Unh, unh, unh! Let me go! Let me go! You better not have hurt Miss Plumtartt, mister! Let me loose so I can slay you and save Miss Plumtartt, you over-grown iguana!”

“Over-grown iguana! Rarr! Mister!?! How
dare
you! I am of the Winged Nobility! You insolent worm! You and your pathetic little party are in the clutches of greatness! I am Lord
Leatherfitz von Stratusbourne! I was going to let you live, but now I shall gobble you up all gone!
”

“Fitzy, no!”

“Ha, ha! I was just joking, Persephone darling.
But seriously. Address me in such a familiar manner again, halflet, and thou wilt find thyself in the meatloaf.”

“Yessir.”

“Oh, Fitzy-pooh, be a dear, and set these gentlemen down, please.”

“Of course Persephone. You creatures shall behave yourselves. Be warned; I live in perpetual hunger and am always prepared to try out new recipes.”

“Oh, Miss Plumtartt!”

“Ach, be careful, Icksy! We came to save the lassie, but your whole-hearted hugs threaten to crush the gel!”

“Verily, the warm embrace now turns to passionate kisses.”

“Harumph. Yes, yes, we know you were both worried about one another and are now relieved to see the other unhurt, but all this love-making is quite unseemly. Burbity.”

“Mr. Temperance, I understand that you must have undergone many difficult trials, but I am still dismayed at your tardiness.”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, we would have been here quicker, but a jumbo-sized, mountain condor up and snatched Mr. Morganstern away. We had to go and rescue him from a giant bird nest where he was about to be ate up by a hatchlet.”

“I’m too important to be eaten by a baby bird!”

“Lord
Leatherfitz von Stratusbourne, I am Legolamb, of the Elven High Council. I know you from the ancient times.”

“By Jove, that
is
you, Legolamb. You were still a young elf, in that time.”

“As you were still a young dragon, m’Lord. I am happily surprised that there is still a member from the Forces of Reclamation still alive.”

“Few survived the Great Wars; fewer survived the Age of Plagues. Fewer still, survived the gulf of time during the Age of Isolation.”

“Yes, Lord von Stratusbourne, but verily, there are indications that the dawning of a new Age is upon us. You have seen the ancient prophecies come true with your own, slitted eyes. It was a son of a man that found the
Shard of Essence.
The Dark One is certain to rise again.”

“No, Legolamb, I will not have it! Now that the
Shard
is found, I have taken its possession! This peak is inaccessible! I take it upon myself to break the prophecy. If anyone can defy the Dark One, it is I! The forces of evil will not rise again! So long as I possess the
Shard
, the prophecy will be denied!”

“Hear, hear, I say, jolly good!”

“Attaboy, Mr. Lord von Stratusbourne, sir!”

“Ach! With the Shard in safety, Middle o’ Earthhe is saved from destruction! Aye, hooray!”

“Verily, I see no way that an Oreorcan army could ever endanger the mighty Lord Leatherfitz von Stratusbourne in his fortress of such solitude.”

“Burbity. Good. Now get me back to my office. Harumph.”

“I say, Fitzy, my scaly dove, the fate of Middle o’ Earthhe is safely in your mighty talons, eh hem?”

“From the bottom of my sixteen-chambered heart, I pledge that if evil would have this magic gem, it will be over my dead body. That, my friends, is an unlikely possibili... Hello, what’s this. I smell something. Do you not smell it? The cockles of my spine stand on end! What is this freezing sensation that rushes through my cold-blooded veins? There! Dost thee not hear? Do you not feel the pressing air? Ripened Reptilian Refuse, there is mischief in the air!”

“Leatherfitz! My word, I have never known Lord Stratusbourne to be so agitated. I would not have thought it possible that he could be driven to the point of being so distraught. Come gentlemen, we must follow him out upon the wide, precipice veranda at the opening of our mammoth, mountaintop cave.”

“There he is, y’all! Ain’t it uncanny to see that massive monster able to hold himself aloft with those wide wings?”

“Aye, and even more so as he hangs suspended in place. As the great brute hovers, he sniffs about, seeking a heading on an unseen foe. He appears to be sniffing for a scent in the air, and not upon the ground.”

“Burbity, well, he has certainly now gained a positive direction for an incoming boogeyman, eh? The colossal behemoth is now twitching his tail and bristles with excitement at coming battle.”

“Verily, I concur at this conclusion. Great Crystal Balls, I see the tell-tale speck of an approaching, airborne entity. Can it be? Do we see the approach of another great dragon? I thought all the ancient dragons were dead!”

“Ach, aye, we do see the approach of another dragon, me quest-mates. No! We are seeing the approach of two, ... no, three dragons!”

“I say, you are correct! Three massive, brutes swiftly wing their way here. Whereas Leatherfitz has a greenish hue to his scales, these new arrivals have coats of sleek, shiny, blackened skins.”

“Oh my Goodness, they are circling about Mr. Lord Stratusbourne as he remains in a fixed position. They have an aura of menace, like a pack of bullies, y’all.”

“Oh, look what we have found, Trevour, it’s that old moth-eaten throwback to posterity, Lord Stratusbourne. Who would have dreamed that this tired old lizard was still sunning himself? What a delightful treat it is to contrast his feeble, elderly carcass, to our youthful strength.”

“Yes, Sebastian, I know what you mean. It’s so easy to take one’s own grandness for granted. Now that I see this old fossil up close, I realize what superior specimens we all truly are.”

“Oh, may I be the one to put this relic to rest? Please? Let me slay this last remnant of the old order. It needs to be put away.”

“Now, now, Geoffrey, we decided earlier that we would all share in the shredding of this faded fakir.”

“Enough of your insolent words! Identify yourselves, you pseudo nobility!”

“Ha, ha! It speaks! Hello to you, grandfather! Welcome to the New Age! You have been deemed obsolete. We are the New Nobility. Here are my cousins, Geoffrey Pyrington the Third, and Sebastian Scalybrow. I, am your never humble, and servant to no one, Trevour St. Talontierre.”

“The Petal Eggs were lost Ages ago! From where do you come?”

“We were brought into being by our master! We are Nobles of the Dark One!”

“Hmm. I think I shall bring a swift end to your misunderstandings, hatchlet. Your master should have sent Nobles of maturity. Your brief lives are coming to a sudden oblivion.”

“Ho, ho! Didst thou hear that delusional old buzzard? What mirth his deranged ravings bring me! I could almost consider prolonging his death, so that we might squeeze a few more precious pearls of idiocy from his drooling gate.”

“
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
O
h, one could almost feel sorry for the age-addled beast, but pity is not our forte, you see.”

“Gentlemen, please, do not make me suffer the presence of this nasty creature another moment. Let us dispatch him forthwith. The sooner we kill this winged gecko and retrieve the
Shard,
the sooner we can leave these primitive surroundings.”

“Hear, hear, let us tear the prehistoric beast into leather spaghetti.”

“You needn’t tell me twice. I’ll get you, Lord von Stratus...Augh! He’s got me! Help! Get this crazy dragon off me!”