A Is for Abstinence (28 page)

She sucked in a breath and tilted her head to the side, granting me permission to continue what I was doing and giving me access to her neck. “You’re also the most thoughtful person I know, when you want to be,” she said. “The things you do for me, just to make me happy—like the way you helped me with my brother and helped me to meet one of my heroes—you go above and beyond what most people would do.”

My lips brushed over a sensitive spot on her neck, and her body rocked with a violent shiver. “I don’t deserve you,” she whispered, her voice strangled.

She turned her head up to meet my lips with hers in a sweet kiss. Fire built between us in a slow, sensual burn. Each kiss became longer and deeper until we were completely fused together and unable to let go of each other.

She shifted her body sideways so that she could reach me better until she was sort of cradled in my arms. Her hands explored my body, her delicate touch leaving a trail of goose bumps wherever her fingers connected with my skin. The feeling was overwhelming.

I tried to keep my hands still because whenever we’d made out in the past she always pulled back when my fingers began to roam, but my control shattered. I wanted to feel her and I wanted her to feel my touch.

My hand fell from her face to her shoulder and trailed down the length of her arm. I found her bare stomach next and brushed my fingertips over her naval. Even with the water dulling the sensations she reacted to my touch. She gasped, and her back arched from the unexpected pleasure. Her eyes fluttered shut and her hands stilled their own exploration as she relaxed.

She was so beautiful like this. So incredibly delicious, just soaking in my attention as if she’d never experienced it before. Then I realized she never
had
experienced it before and my breath got stuck in my lungs.

I knew there were places she’d never been touched, pleasures she’d never felt, and I became desperate to make her feel them. We couldn’t have sex, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t give her a new experience. I could open her eyes to the things that were in store for her. I could let her feel exactly how much I cared about her. I wanted to do that for her. I wanted to share that connection with her. I needed the intimacy.

My hand fell south of her stomach over the outside of her bikini bottom. The second I touched her she choked on a gasp and sat up, pushing my hands away from her. “Kyle, no!”

I was startled from the daze she’d put me in and my arms instinctively went around her, caging her to me before she had the chance to escape. “What’s wrong?” I asked, my voice strangled and husky. “I promise I can handle this. The clothes will stay on. I know the rules. No sex.”

She scrambled out of my arms and turned to me with such a sad look on her face. “It’s more than that, Kyle. I don’t want to keep my virginity based on a technicality. It’s not just my virginity I’m protecting; it’s my
virtue
.”

“Meaning…?” I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful in any way. I honestly didn’t understand.

Val studied my face for a minute, taking note of my confusion, and her face softened into an expression of pity. “Meaning no fooling around at all,” she said. “Second and third base are just as off-limits as going all the way.”

I should have known. We’d managed to date all summer and had never gotten there before. I should have seen it coming, but it still surprised me. It still hurt. And I don’t just mean in an unsatisfied, throbbing kind of way. It was like she didn’t want to go there with me. Like she didn’t feel anything. How could she stay so cold when I was so damned hot?

I knew I shouldn’t take her rejection personally, but I couldn’t help it. Hands curled into tight fists, I made a quick retreat from the pool. I needed some space from her.

I grabbed a towel off the back of a deck chair and tried to calm some of my anger as I dried my hair. A hand came down lightly on my shoulder and Val whispered in a tiny voice, “I’m sorry.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. Something inside of me snapped. I whirled on her. “This is
killing
me!” I took a breath when the blood drained from her face, and waited until I could speak in a somewhat controlled manner. “I’ve never felt like this before, Val. Not even with Adrianna. Don’t you get it? I am in
love
with you. I love you so much that I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.”

Every part of Val froze except for her eyes, which widened and filled with tears. I had no idea what she was thinking right now, or why my feelings caused her so much pain, but I couldn’t stop talking. I’d started this train wreck and I needed to see it through to the end.

“It’s not even about the sex,” I said. “I’m going crazy because every time I try to get close to you, you push me away. Our relationship is completely surface. Superficial. I keep trying to dive in and you’re not following me. I’m afraid you aren’t in this as deep as I am, and it has me completely lost.”

The last word died on my tongue. I was deflated. I didn’t know what else to say to make her understand.

Val stood there for an agonizing moment, letting the tears run down her cheeks. “Kyle,” she whispered in a strangled voice, “I’m in this so deep I’m
drowning
.”

My brows pulled together in confusion, but hope sparked deep in my gut.

“I love you, too.”

My heart stopped, shocked into silence, and I was afraid to start it back up again. She wiped at the wetness on her cheeks and took a hesitant step toward me. I surprised us both when I stepped back, keeping myself out of her reach.

I needed a moment to process. Hearing her say those three words to me pushed my feelings to a point of no return. I wanted it to be true. I needed it to be true, because if she ever took it back I wouldn’t survive the loss. But I wasn’t convinced that she meant it, so I couldn’t let myself accept the possibility yet.

Val swallowed back a mess of nerves and said, “I am crazy, desperately in love with you, and it terrifies me. I fell in love with you the first time we played this game and it tore me apart when you left. I spent four years trying to convince myself I was over it, but I knew I’d never stopped loving you the second you walked out onto that stage at the Connie Parker Show.”

I shut my eyes against the sting of emotion and took a calming breath. “I don’t understand,” I admitted. “If you feel like this, why won’t you let me love you back?”

“Because I’m afraid,” she whispered. When I met her eyes again, she shrugged. “There’ve been so many guys who asked me out since high school, and they were all like you. The old you,” she amended quickly when I flinched.

She plunked herself down onto a long pool chair and stared into her hands as she spoke. “I was the famous virgin,” she said bitterly. “They saw an irresistible challenge and when they realized they weren’t going to win, they left me.”

She looked up at me, her face fresh with new tears. “I’ve been dumped by every man I’ve ever dated, starting from the beginning in high school with Zach and that stupid video. I’ve watched so many of my friends find love—Robin, Isaac, Cara, Stephanie—and yet I’ve never managed to have a single successful relationship.”

She swiped at her eyes again and sighed as if her situation were hopeless. “You’re the one who told me all those years ago that I’m delusional. That I have impossible standards. You said I’m trying to find a man that doesn’t exist.”

I could have punched myself in the face for saying such horrible things. I finally managed to move my feet and came to sit next to her on the chair. “Val, I was an idiot back then. I was a selfish, arrogant ass who was just pissed that I couldn’t get what I wanted from you.”

“But you were right,” she insisted. “I’ve proved your theory a million times over. Eventually I got tired of trying and failing, so I quit dating altogether.”

“I wasn’t right,” I insisted, “and I’ve spent the entire summer trying to prove to you how wrong I was. I think I’ve earned a little trust by now.”

She shut her eyes again and nodded. “You have,” she admitted, “but that’s what terrifies me. I’ve been hurt so many times I’ve lost count and then, suddenly, out of the blue, the one guy I wanted the most and thought I never had a chance with shows up ready to give up sex for me? And, Kyle, you’re more amazing than anyone knows. It seemed impossible that a man like you would stick around—
still
seems impossible. It feels inevitable that you’ll get tired of this game and walk away like all the others. Like you did before.”

My chest was so tight I almost couldn’t speak. I had to exert all my energy just to get a single sentence out. “I’m not going anywhere this time, Val. I swear it.”

“I want to believe you. I’m trying. But I can’t help keeping the distance between us because even though I keep falling further and further in love with you, I’m always waiting for you to break my heart.”

If she said one more word, I was going to shatter into a million pieces. I threw my mouth on hers and kissed her like I’d never kissed her before. With the walls between us crumbled, I poured every ounce of love I had into that kiss until I was certain she would stop waiting for me to hurt her. Because after that kiss, she’d know it was impossible.

Once I stopped to catch my breath, I rested my forehead against hers. My eyes were pinched shut, but I could still hear her ragged breaths. I could feel her chest heaving like mine. “Val, eventually something has to give,” I choked out. “I don’t want to break your heart, but you’re always pushing me away and I can’t take it anymore. You’ve got to let me in. You have to trust me.”

I took her face in my hand and pushed her hair back. “I know we can’t have sex, but I need to feel closer to you. I need this relationship to feel more grown up. I don’t know how to handle PG. If you can’t be with me physically, then I need you to be with me here.” I tapped my finger to her head, then moved it to rest over her heart. “And here. Whatever your next step is, I need it. I need
you
.”

A silent sob hiccuped in her chest. After an agonizing moment that felt like an eternity, she looked up at me through her wet lashes and said, “I’ll stay with you tonight.”

I froze, certain I’d heard her wrong.

“We can order takeout, rent a movie On Demand, and stay in tonight…just you and me.” She took a breath. “And I’ll stay the night if you want me to. If you think we can handle it.”

My mind went blank. When faced with this option, it simply short-circuited.

I knew I should tell her she didn’t have to do that. I knew she was only offering this because I’d just asked her to give me more. I hadn’t meant staying the night with me, but I wanted it. I wanted it more than I’d ever wanted anything in my entire life, and I am ultimately a selfish man.

“Are you sure?” It was the closest thing to an out I could manage.

She looked nervous and her voice shook a little as she said, “No fooling around?”

“None,” I promised. “I’ll keep my hands to myself. And, as always, the duct tape rule still applies.”

She smiled at that, and something that reminded me of determination crept into her eyes. “Then I’ll stay. I
want
to stay.” She placed her hand on my chest and inhaled a long, deep breath. “I do trust you, Kyle.”

I took her hands and wrapped them behind my neck. “I’m not going to hurt you,” I promised as I slipped my arms around her waist and pulled her against me. “I couldn’t. I love you too much.”

“I love you, too,” she whispered, and for the first time since I’d met her, I believed she really did.

We stood there on the pool
deck kissing each other until we realized the sun had gone down and we were cold and wet. I introduced her to my shower and scrounged up a pair of drawstring sweats and a T-shirt for her. Then I went to order some Chinese and tried very hard not to think about the fact that Val was in my shower.

I had just paid the delivery guy and brought the cartons of takeout into the kitchen when Val appeared. My clothes engulfed her. She was in a pair of navy sweats and my favorite Lakers jersey, and she’d tied her wet hair up in a messy bun. It was the hottest look I’d seen on her yet.

She saw the smile on my face and blushed as she looked down at herself. “I look ridiculous.”

I shook my head. “You look sexy.”