A Hope for Hannah (21 page)

“I’m not used to sitting here,” Hannah whispered to Betty.

“You’ll get used to it,” Betty whispered back without much sympathy.

The flow of conversation shifted, leaving Hannah to her own thoughts of Jake and his good preaching that morning. Suddenly a memory came to her from years ago. She wasn’t sure of the occasion, but her father had said that preachers who preach well have extra temptations. For many of them, it goes to their heads. Some even leave for more liberal churches. “They can’t stay humble enough, I guess,” he had said.

Hannah remembered the words just like that, as if they had been dropped into her mind all in one piece. Would her father say that about Jake? Jake had preached well, had he not? And on his first sermon too. Who could tell where he would go with some practice?

Hannah thought of whispering a question to Betty, so strong was her distress, but someone around the table might hear, and this was not a matter for the ears of others. It might not even be something she should discuss with Betty.

Hannah wished her mother were here. She would be one safe person to go to with concerns like these.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Minister Chupp’s announcement of the closing prayer. Hannah bowed her head along with the others, convinced she must talk to someone, even if it was Betty.

With the prayer done, Betty whispered as if on cue, “I need to talk to you.” By the way she said it, Hannah knew that Betty intended a private conversation. She got up with a glad heart and followed Betty into the back bedroom without either of them drawing attention to themselves.

“I have something to tell you,” Betty whispered once they were inside but leaving the bedroom door open.

“Yes?” Hannah waited. This would surely take just a moment, she thought. Betty would mention plans about some coming event, and then she could ask if her concerns about Jake were valid.

Betty’s face became sober instead as she glanced behind her, as if to make sure no one was listening. Two sleeping babies lay on the bed, but no mothers were in sight.

Betty began, keeping her voice low, “My, can Jake preach! And his first time! I just have to tell you something. It’s been bothering me for years, heavy on my heart. I have never told anyone, not even your mother, and she and I were always so close.” Betty glanced behind her again.

Hannah’s heart sank as she realized what Betty intended and the implications of it.
I am now the minister’s wife. Even my aunt is giving me a new and unwanted respect and now intends to use me for confessions.

A tear hung on the edge of Betty’s eye. “I wish I had said something, even to Steve, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell even him. We married and still I couldn’t tell him. I don’t think I ever can either. Today, though, for the first time, Jake gave me the courage to say it. I just have to tell you, Hannah. It hurts so inside. Keeping it here.” Betty pressed her hand against her heart.

Hannah swallowed hard. There would be no sharing her own concerns with Betty today or perhaps ever. That was quite obvious. She would now be the one a woman might confess to, but she herself would not have that same freedom. Not even to her aunt.

“The other night at supper when you and Jake were there—what I said about King David and God. I shouldn’t have.”

Hannah felt relieved. If this was all her aunt referred to, perhaps there was nothing to fear. Betty was always one to get overworked about things. There would be time yet to ask about Jake and his possible temptations to pride.

“It’s okay,” Hanna said as she squeezed Betty’s arm. “You didn’t mean it.”

“No.” Betty shook her head as two tears moved down her cheeks with many more ready to follow. “It’s not just that. It’s the reason I say things like that. See, it’s just easier to blame God sometimes, even when I know it was my own fault.”

Betty clutched Hannah’s arm, seemingly unaware of where she was. Hannah was deeply grateful no one else had walked in on them yet. She doubted whether she and Betty could pass this off as a normal conversation.

“I was wild once. Your mother was too,” Betty continued. “I was the bad one, though. Much worse than the others, only no one really knew. I was good at hiding things. Then too…see, Hannah…” Betty’s eyes filled with pain. “I had an English boyfriend. In secret. For a long time. I thought I would die when he left me because I wouldn’t go with him. Only I had wished to go! Wished it with all my heart! Oh, Hannah, I thought God would never let me love again after that. That is what I almost told Steve, so he would know. When I married him, I thought I could forget about it.”

Hannah, completely overwhelmed, didn’t know what to say. She had known from her mother about the
rumspringa
days of her parents’ youth but not this much detail. Now she felt the burden of the confession itself and the unexpected weight it placed on her shoulders, the sorrow because she had to be the one to bear it.

“Oh, Hannah,” Betty said, wiping away her tears. “I’m so glad I could tell you that. God has sent us such a good minister in Jake.”

Because she didn’t know what else to do, Hannah gave Betty a hug. It felt awkward, but Betty responded with a squeeze back…and then someone came in the door. They both smiled as if it were a perfectly normal Sunday morning—as if nothing had changed.

On the way home, Hannah asked Jake, “You won’t ever go liberal, will you?”

“Liberal?” he asked, a puzzled look on his face.

“Nothing,” she said with a shake of her head, her thoughts fuzzy. “I was just asking.”

“You don’t want me to, do you?” he asked with a note of horror in his voice.

“Of course not,” she said.

“Good,” he said, shaking Mosey’s reins, urging him up the incline toward their cabin.

“You spoke well today,” she said, forcing herself to acknowledge the truth, “real well.”

“I don’t know,” he said, but Hannah was sure he liked hearing her praise.

Twenty-four

The following weekend Jake went elk hunting with Steve in the Cabinet Mountains. They took along white-tailed deer tags too, just in case there were no elk. Hannah felt certain they were driven by the joy of the hunt more than the desire for fresh meat.

Jake’s anticipation of the hunt brought a smile to his face that relieved Hannah. Between his ordination and his new job at the hardware store, he had been sober long enough. The little money the job provided wasn’t enough for them to live on for long, and Hannah knew how much it weighed on him.

The hunters left before dawn on Saturday morning, accompanied by two
Englishers,
friends of Steve. It was better for them not to be alone in the mountains, Steve had said. Plus the drive with the
Englishers
supplied the easiest way to reach the jump off point, where they would hike into the mountains.

The day went by fast enough for Hannah, but by four o’clock, with darkness threatening and what looked like snow clouds on the peaks of the mountains, she began to worry a bit. Everything else was going wrong for them, so why shouldn’t something more happen? Maybe something worse. But no sooner had she gone out to the porch to look toward the mountains than the pickup truck pulled in.

Jake jumped from the back and waved a thanks as the two
Englishers
drove back out of the driveway. Hannah watched him expectantly, curious if he had been able to relax—and if he had shot anything.

Jake seemed happy enough as he walked toward the house after putting his gun in the barn.

“Got something, I did,” he said cheerfully as he bounded up onto the porch.

“An elk?” she asked.

“No, just a deer. We need to go over to Steve’s tonight. He’s going to keep part of it after we butcher it. Betty will make supper for us.”

“Good thing I hadn’t started anything yet.”

“I’ll get Mosey,” he said. “We need to go.”

“I’ll get some pans and knives,” she said, walking quickly toward the kitchen.

Minutes later they were on their way, the pans and knives rattling in the back of the buggy.

By the time they arrived, Steve already had the deer strung up in the barn. Hannah, having forgotten an apron, ran into the house to see if Betty had an extra.

“What a mess!” Betty proclaimed as she opened the kitchen door. “And on a Saturday night to boot.”

Hannah offered a wry smile and said, “Well, at least they enjoyed themselves. Jake did anyway. And that’s worth a lot.”

“Oh, Steve did too,” Betty said. “There’s something about men, guns, and mountains.”

“Do you have an apron for me?” Hannah asked. “I forgot mine.”

“Yes, I think so.” Betty dug in the kitchen drawer and produced two dark blue, full-length aprons. She held them up. “Good butchering aprons. Saturday night’s just not good.”

“Just think fun,” Hannah told her with a grin, and then she headed out to the barn. The weighty clouds seemed on the verge of dumping a white blanket of snow. The heavy air wrapped itself around her but was not about to dampen her spirits.

Jake and Steve were busy with the first deer. They had already set some of the meat out on a card table covered by clean plastic. As Hannah entered, the snow began to gently fall in thick heavy flakes to the ground.

“Looks like it’s good we didn’t get lost in the mountains after all,” Steve said, relief in his voice.

Betty walked in and said, “You didn’t get lost?”

“Not really,” Jake replied quickly. “We just thought so for a moment.”

“That’s what I don’t like about mountains,” Betty declared. Hannah gave her a quick glance of agreement. Those mountains looked so innocent, so friendly, and yet they harbored dangers one would never notice at first glance.

Betty filled several bowls with water from the barn spigot, and Hannah set to work washing the meat. She separated the types of meat into different piles as best she could, and soon the table was piled half full. Betty then went even further, cutting the slabs into smaller pieces and bagging them. Two plastic tubs on the barn floor took the finished product.

A little after eight, they were done. Steve and Jake hauled the unused portions of flesh into the woods with flashlights.

“Something will take care of it,” Betty muttered to Hannah.

“At least you don’t have bears around,” Hannah said.

“Not yet,” Betty replied, not in a very good mood. “At least it’s stopped snowing.”

“Do you think we’re in for a hard winter?” Hannah asked, dreading the answer.

“You never know.” Betty shrugged, putting lids on the plastic tubs. “Snow’s early enough, I guess. You think this tub’s got enough meat for you?”

Hannah lifted the lid on the smallest tub, calculating briefly before her reply. “Too much,” she said.

“You sure?” Betty asked.

“I’m sure. We can’t use that much in the next few weeks.”

“No, not without a freezer,” Betty agreed, taking several bags back out. “You know how to marinate this meat? It makes a real tasty meal using the steaks.”

“I don’t have a recipe,” Hannah said. “I’m sure you do, though.”

Betty nodded. “Don’t let me forget to give it to you before you go. You’re staying for supper. A
late
supper.”

“If it’s not too much bother,” Hannah said.

“There’s no sense in going home to the cabin still having to fix supper. I’ve got plenty.”

The men came back in and stamped snow from their boots.

“That’s enough meat for a while,” Steve said. “Now, for supper. Looks like we didn’t even go too late.”

Hannah followed Betty to the house and set the table while Betty heated the soup she had prepared earlier. Betty went to put her share of the meat in the propane-powered deep freezer in her basement. Hannah hoped she and Jake would have a freezer someday when they had enough money, but for now the springhouse would have to do.

Jake and Steve came in noisily after having put Jake’s share of meat in the buggy. They sat down for a quick supper. Just as they were finishing and Hannah had risen to help Betty clear the table, they heard a clear, unearthly scream rent the air outside. Hannah stopped in her tracks, several bowls balanced in her hands.