A Holiday To Remember (8 page)

He broke the silence with a bittersweet smile. “Here I’ve let the conversation take a turn for the worse. When I saw you, I came over because I had a few questions for you.”

“For me?”

“Sure. I wanted to know how it’s going with Ben.”

Disappointment washed over her. As if she needed more proof he wasn’t interested in her. Debra inwardly groaned. If there was something between them, then it was all on her side. Hadn’t she been there before? It took all her strength to keep the memory of Mia’s father at the back of her mind.

She cupped her hands around the cup of steaming hot chocolate for comfort. “Ben. That’s a topic that’s both complicated and as simple as can be.”

“A paradox, huh? Explain, please.”

Debra took one look at the compassion on Jonah’s rugged face and gathered up a little more of her strength. “I came here only for Mia. The last few years have been difficult in our family with Mom’s death and wrestling with that. She and I hadn’t been on good terms for a long time. When Mia went off to school in Massachusetts in September, it divided us more than I imagined.”

“You two seem close, despite that issue.”

“Finding out about Ben has helped bring things back to the way they were between us.
Almost.
” Deb held back the more personal things Jonah probably didn’t want to hear. About how the rift between her and Mia had begun to feel like the rift she’d had between her and her own mother through her teenaged years. Culminating in the painful, final rift that had changed their relationship forever.

She took a trembly breath. “Finding out about Ben was a shock. My mom was a very strict and devout Christian. We never knew this secret she was hiding. That she’d had a baby out of wedlock and had given him up for adoption. She was so proper, so unerring in her life as a wife and mother, that I simply can’t imagine it, even now.”

“It must be hard,” he said quietly and with compassion. “You can’t sit down and talk it out with her.”

“Exactly. It’s raised up more pain and old issues in a way that—” Hurt. She held back the word. She didn’t want to be so honest with Jonah. Surely his interest in her answer concerned his friend and his boss, not her troubles. “Ben is wonderful. His wife and children are completely lovable. They already feel like family. I’m so glad Mia prodded me into visiting them.”

“Caring about them is the simple part. I get that.” Jonah took a long sip of chocolate and studied her with his wise, dark eyes. “What about the complicated part you mentioned? You’ve been through a hard time, I can see it.”

His words knocked the breath out of her. Maybe this connection and what she felt between them was simply nothing more mysterious than the fact that they’d both been deeply hurt in different ways. Rain fell into everyone’s life, as her mom used to say.

Maybe that was the reason she felt so drawn to Jonah and it was nothing more complicated than that. Relief breezed through her, making it easier to open up. After all, they were just two people sharing stories. That was all.

“Fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. It’s complicated and personal.”

“Hey, I’m a marine. I can handle anything.”

She didn’t doubt that. But how did she find the right words? “My brother and sister knew nothing about Ben. My mother never told us. There was not a hint. There was nothing to prepare us. Nothing to begin to make sense of her deception.”

“She might not have known how to bring up something as painful as giving up a baby,” Jonah suggested. “Wasn’t she one of the people being blackmailed by Barnaby Harcourt?”

“Yes.” She hurt for her mom.

“That had to have been terribly frightening for her—fearing the people she loved most might not understand.” His compassion warmed his voice.

She was right about him. He had a big heart. A good heart. She admired him even more. “Those are exactly some of the things I wish I could talk to Mom about.”

“There’s no way to lay the past to rest between you. So it just keeps haunting you.”

“Yes. Exactly.” He understood. Debra blinked against the hot pressure pressing at her eyes. No one had seemed to understand. Not her sister, not her brothers and not even her father. She’d been alone with her feelings, struggling with them as they built and built. Until they began to harden like a husk inside her. She hadn’t realized how much she’d craved a little understanding.

There was more of the story to tell. She studied the man before her, big and rugged-looking and as reliable as a wish. She knew he might understand.

She ran her finger over a pattern of the grain on the wooden table top. “Mom was a good wife and mother. When I was Mia’s age, I wanted to grow up to be just like her. She seemed sure of every step she took. She didn’t look right or left, she didn’t wonder or worry. She took a stance, made a decision and that was it. Her faith was deep and unwavering. But one day everything changed between us.”

“Tell me.”

She couldn’t look at him, trying to figure out the words to use. How did she explain how confused she felt? It left her torn up, the way she loved her mother dearly and at the same time, she was so angry for the lies. For the secrets. “I was her daughter. We were close. I told her all my secrets and sorrows. I don’t understand why she didn’t tell me hers when she had the chance. And believe me, when I was in college, she had the perfect chance to tell me.”

She glanced between her lashes to peek at Jonah’s response. To see if he caught on, or if she would have to talk about the time in her life that hurt all these years later.

“I can do the math.” Jonah spoke carefully, his rugged baritone. “If Mia is thirteen, then you had to be fairly young when she was born.”

“Yes. I—I wasn’t married at the time.” She focused on a knothole in the wood. It was easier to get the words out that way. “I was in college, in love and talking about marrying my first very serious boyfriend.”

“So, you married him?”

Jonah’s question surprised her like a slap to her face. Of course he would assume such a thing and that made it harder. Deep inside she could still feel the shattered illusions of the trusting, sheltered, naive college girl she’d been. A girl who saw only the good in the man she loved with all her soul.

She watched him through her lashes again so she could read his response and lowered her voice. “You’re a minister’s son. You might have a different opinion of me once I admit that, no, I didn’t marry Jeff. I wasn’t engaged. I was young and I went against the values I’d been raised with.”

“Everyone makes mistakes.”

“Even you?”

“Especially me.”

She didn’t believe it. He’d probably done nothing wrong in his life. He had a noble heart. “I let myself believe that being almost engaged wasn’t much different than being married. We would get there eventually, right? But when I discovered I was going to have Mia, I learned there was a big difference.”

“He didn’t stand by you?”

“Stand by me? No.” She had expected Jeff to reach out to her when, instead, he’d been horrified at the news. “He wasn’t ready, that’s what he said. He had his whole life ahead of him and he wasn’t going to let me mess it up for him.”

“That had to hurt you. I’m sorry you went through that.”

She would always feel that wound in her heart. She would never forget the choice adjectives that Jeff had called her—
manipulative
had been the nicest of them. Words that had cut her down to the quick. She’d been so careful, yet it hadn’t made a difference in the end. Too late, she realized the wisdom of the values she’d been raised with.

Jeff had simply rejected her and walked away, shattering more than her trust and her trusting heart. She’d never been in another romantic relationship. Until she’d met Jonah, she’d never wanted to even think about being in one.

Jonah broke the silence between them. “Do you think your mother should have told you her secret when you found yourself pregnant and alone, the way she had once been?”

“She was s-so harsh with me when I found out I was expecting Mia. She was so angry that I can still hear her yelling.
Angry
isn’t the word. She was furious.” Debra swallowed hard against the pain of the argument that had left her relationship with her mother in tatters for a decade. “After Jeff left me, I went straight to her. I needed my mom. I needed her. I thought she would stand by me.”

“She didn’t?”

Debra shook her head. “I knew she wouldn’t approve of the poor judgment I’d shown, but I knew, deep down, she’d be there for me. When she wasn’t, it felt like I’d lost the foundation of my world. Things were never the same. Ever. I could never forgive her for forbidding me to take the easy way out and put the baby up for adoption.”

“Is that what you wanted?”

“I didn’t know what I wanted right then. I just needed to know that I wasn’t alone. In the end, for every day that passed after that moment, I was. Mom wasn’t there for me. Sure, she and Dad didn’t abandon me, but there was always this wound between us. They kept me at a distance. I did the same to them. I always felt as if I had to make up for it but nothing could make it right. No matter how hard I worked. No matter how well I took care of Mia.”

“Is that why you gave up those dreams you wouldn’t tell me about? Why you followed the path your family wanted for you?”

“Yes. I’m fortunate to have the educational opportunities I’ve had and I had a good job waiting for me. It’s given Mia the kind of life I want for her. The kind of life I had growing up. But I don’t think I realized why I worked so hard. Not until lately.” At a loss, she shook her head, held up her hands, torn apart by hurts that could not be fixed.

She considered the man across the small table from her. He looked deep in thought. He’d been listening intently. But this isn’t what he’d been looking for when he’d bought her a cup of hot chocolate. “Sorry, that’s been building up for a long time.”

“Then I’m glad you told me.” He smiled, showing his double dimples and his infinite kindness.

Her soul gave a little sigh.

He drained his hot chocolate and set the cup on the table. “That’s quite a story you told me. You’ve been on your own ever since?”

“Raising Mia, yes. My family has been supportive over the years.”

“You have done a fine job raising your daughter.”

“I’m glad you think so.” That little sigh turned into a bigger one. “You have to understand, this isn’t about Ben. I know you care for him. He’s your friend. He’s been like a gift to my entire family. It’s like getting a little bit of Mom back, in some way.”

“I understand that.” He gave the empty cup a push, as if to do something with his hands as he gave the matter some thought. “You want my take on things?”

“I have to admit I am wondering what you think of my long and very personal story.”

He steepled his hands. “Have you ever considered that maybe your mom didn’t mean to hurt you? In her own way, she was trying to protect you from what she went through in giving up a baby for adoption. That must be a kind of pain that never ends.”

“But why the deception? She could have told me.”

“Maybe it hurt too much. What kind of grief would that have been for her? To never hold that baby again. Never share the little moments of every day with him. Not watching over him while he grew up. She never knew what happened to him, if he was loved and safe or hurting and alone? She never knew what had become of him or even his name. And then the blackmailing on top of it? I can see how much your mom must have loved you, after losing her firstborn. What if she only meant to keep you from the same anguish? What if she feared losing you if she did tell you? I know you enough to see how she must have loved you.”

Debra’s eyes stung as she considered his words. Like a slap to the soul, she felt humbled before this great man, so full of compassion. He was right. From the moment the nurses had first placed Mia into her arms, a precious little bundle of sweetness swathed and blinking against the new sensation of light, an overwhelming wave of love had struck her like a tsunami, carrying her away with a devotion so powerful no other earthly force could be stronger.

What would it have felt like to have then given Mia away for adoption, thinking it would be best for her? Debra couldn’t imagine it.

Worse, what would it be like if one day something tore her and Mia apart and they were never close again? Both would be like having her soul ripped out of her. Tears burned behind her eyes. Agony pounded through her. Agony her mother must have felt every day of her life.

“I just would have wanted her to love me enough to have been honest with me. It would have healed everything.” She took a trembling breath, working at the knothole again. “Now it’s too late.”

“It’s never too late. The power of prayer is an amazing thing.”

“I keep hearing that.” She couldn’t help smiling at the irony. Maybe it
was
a sign from above. Maybe there was more to her being here in Chestnut Grove, the way Mia insisted there was. Deb was looking backward at her life and feeling the weight of that old sadness and something new. Something that felt suspiciously like hope.

She also noticed anew how truly handsome Jonah was, dazzling inside and out. In the stillness and the sparkle of light from the Christmas window display, he looked as breathtaking as when she’d first set eyes on him. White twinkle lights graced him as if with a heavenly touch.

He pushed back his chair. “Well, I’ve got a book on hold to pay for. I’d best get going. I’m in the phone-book, if you feel the need to talk again. Good night, Debra.”

Breathless, she could only watch as he quickly saluted her, turned and walked away. Being with him tonight was as if she’d spent her life in shadow and suddenly had stepped into the light.

Hours later, long after she was safely tucked away in her room at the bed-and-breakfast, the brightness in her heart remained and did not fade.

O
n Sunday morning, the Chestnut Grove Community Church looked picture perfect. Debra climbed out of her SUV, well bundled against the single-digit chill. Ice crunched beneath her boots as she closed the door. Her breath froze in the air, rising in puffs as she stepped up onto the sidewalk.

The scene was pretty enough for a Christmas card, Debra thought as she leaned her head back. The church’s spire disappeared into the mist of snow. Peace filtered down with the sugary flakes and landed against her face.

The days were whizzing by; already it was Sunday. They had less than a week left here before heading home. That meant they only had six more days before Christmas. She was no longer in a hurry to leave this place, not that she wanted to think about the reason why. She was afraid that reason had everything to do with Jonah.

“Mom!” Mia bounced in place on the sidewalk, dressed in her Sunday best. “Hurry! I see Jonah.”

Debra did her best not to scan the small knot of families disappearing inside the church. Talking to him the other night had made a difference. Peace seemed to cling to her as she spotted him in the crowd. She caught a glimpse of his navy blue jacket and the rugged cut of his profile before he disappeared inside the church.

“It’s a sign, Mom.”

Definitely a sign she should pay attention to, Debra mused as she caught Mia’s hood and tugged it up over her head. “What’s the sign this time?”

“I was just saying it to myself. I’m so happy, words are just bubbling out.”

“So I see.”

Mia swiped snow from her face. “Have you ever thought about getting married, Mom?”

Where was this coming from? “When would I find the time to get married? I have my hands full keeping up with my energetic and awesome daughter.”

“Oh, Mom.” Mia shook her head. “I’m praying for you. I think that’s your only chance.”

“I’m glad to know I’m such a hopeless case.” Debra bit her bottom lip to hold back her amusement, but failed. Life was never dull around Mia.

“Do you think
they’re
here yet? Olivia said she’d save a place for us. We’ve got to sit together.”

“Oh, I know. Don’t worry. There’s their van, parked nice and close. They must have arrived earlier than we did.”

Mia grabbed a hold of Debra’s hand. “We’ve gotta invite them to all our regular stuff, now that we love them so much. When I talked to Uncle Brandon last night on the phone, he said we’ve
got
to invite the new branch of our family to all our stuff now.”

“All our stuff?”

“You know. New Year’s Day. How Granddad makes his super spicy turkey chili and we have snacks all day, you know, the junk food you won’t let me have normally? And Aunt Lydia plays the piano and we all sing with her and the guys watch football? Don’t you think Uncle Ben should come?”

The steps loomed up ahead and Debra found herself walking a little more slowly to savor this moment. It was as if the difficult events in her life had faded away and her relationship with Mia was back to the way it used to be. She felt as light as the snowflakes drifting from heaven.

The moment they stepped into the church, she found him. She wasn’t trying to locate him in the crowd. She just looked toward the front of the church where a colorful stained-glass window filtered light over the beautifully aged wooden pews. Families and friends crowded together, chatting in the moments before the service started, and above all the voices she heard his cozy baritone.

He was standing near the front talking with a short, motherly-looking woman, who had red hair and freckles. Remembering Jonah’s sister, Dinah, and how she’d looked very similarly, Debra supposed the woman was Jonah’s mother. She looked like a cuddly, wonderful type of mom.

Across the crowded sanctuary the organ music began a sweet hymn and Jonah tensed, as if he were suddenly aware of her gaze. She jerked her eyes away and kept them solidly on the wood floor at her feet, letting Mia guide the way to where Ben and his family were.

She didn’t look up until she was safely seated in one of the pews beside Leah, and Jonah was no longer in her line of sight.

The service was over, but Jonah was full of as much turmoil as he’d been before worship started.

Frustrated, he swiped his hands over his face. Peace was a tough thing to find—and some days tougher than others. It looked like today might be one of those days. He’d gotten little sleep last night—again. His nightmares were a lot worse lately. And that wasn’t all. Debra had been on his mind. The image of her, the closeness he’d felt to her and the personal pain she’d shared with him haunted him like his memories from his service in Iraq.

He had wounds from the past, as Debra did, but his were far different from hers and—worse—they were his own responsibility. He had no one to blame but himself. Grief hit him hard. He tugged at his collar, his tie suddenly too tight, and felt ashamed that he’d failed in a way that could never be made right.

He knew Debra was in the sanctuary, he’d spotted her earlier when she’d arrived with Mia. As much as he wanted to see her and find out if she was feeling better after their talk, he held back. His sister had asked him twice about Debra. She’d learned from Pamela, the bookstore owner, that he’d been seen with an attractive brunette there Friday night. His mother, bless her, had that hopeful sparkle in her eye, and if he walked over to talk to Debra, it would get the whole family talking.

He nodded to Zach Fletcher, the police detective on the Tiny Blessings case, his wife, Pilar, and their kids—Adrianna, Eduardo and the baby, Noah. Zach waved in acknowledgment and steered his happy family into the aisle toward the door. There was no mistaking the loving look shared between the man and his wife.

Glad for his friends, Jonah watched them go. Big mistake. Because it turned him in the direction where Ben was holding a bundled and sleeping Joseph and helping his wife into her wool coat. Sweet little Olivia was busily chatting a mile a minute with Debra, as if explaining some exciting thing, and Debra listened with total concentration.

His heart stalled in his chest. She had to be the loveliest woman he’d ever seen—inside and out. She amazed him, all that she’d accomplished and all that she’d faced. She’d built a secure life for her and her daughter. She wasn’t just smart and classy and materially successful—she was successful where it mattered. He admired her one hundred percent.

“Jonah?” A cheerful voice came from behind him. He spun around to see Debra’s daughter. “I loved your dad’s sermon. You are totally lucky to have a minister for a dad. You’re totally cool!”

“Back at you, Miss Mia. I’m glad you liked the service.” Cute kid. She’d obviously remembered his offer to meet his dad. “If it’s all right with your mom, you can hang with me and I’ll introduce you to my parents.”

“Awesome!” Mia’s eyes rounded. “I would love that. But first, I wanted to ask you for this huge favor.”

“Name it, little lady.”

“Uncle Ben said they can’t go to brunch with us this morning cause they have to go to his brother’s. Now, we were invited, but Mom said she didn’t want to impose on all their family functions, which is like a major bummer. But we’re still going to brunch at the Starlight Diner. Could you come join us there sometime this morning? I mean, it would really help my mom out.”

“Now, do I look like I have a dunce cap on my head?” He gave her a wink so she knew that while he wasn’t angry with her, he
was
onto her. “I can see what you’re up to. You think I like your mom.”

“You really should. She’s nice, isn’t she?” Mia focused her puppy-dog eyes on him.

He melted like an ice cube in Baghdad. “I’m refusing to answer that, because you’re going to take anything I say the wrong way. You sent your mom to the bookstore when you knew I’d be there. Right?”

“Oooo-kay. That’s true.” Mia did look a little guilty but a little pleased, too. “But you helped my mom. She was so much happier when she came to pick me up that night. Plus, she’s been humming ever since.
Humming.
She’s been sad for a long time. Now she’s not. Maybe you could talk to her some more. You know, ’cause it’ll help her.”

He knew when he was being snowed, but he didn’t mind. He liked thinking he’d made a difference. Besides, he didn’t have what it took to let Mia down. “I’ll see you there, little lady.”

“Oh, thank you! Thank you!” She whirled on her pretty boots, her tasteful dark blue dress swirling around her knees. She dashed down the aisle a few feet before she stopped, turned and giggled at herself. “How could I have forgotten? You were going to introduce me to your dad. Remember?”

Across the sanctuary, he caught sight of Debra watching him. Her hair was pulled back in a fancy braid and she looked like a perfect winter morning in a light gray dress that was both feminine and modest. She looked like everything good in the world, everything he was too afraid to wish for.

She gave a little finger wave and he could see that Mia had been telling the whole truth. Debra did look more radiant somehow, as if the shields that had been up when he’d first met her had dissolved, letting her inner beauty shine out more clearly.

He’d help her. That simple knowledge eased some of the turmoil inside him. A little peace shone into his troubled soul like a shaft of morning sun.

“Come meet my parents,” he told her across the heads of the thinning congregation.

They met in the main aisle. The line of escaping worshippers was moving at a snail’s pace toward the open front door. Jonah was vaguely aware that he knew most of the people around him, but the only face that mattered was Debra’s. Her smile drew him forward.

“Mom!” Mia hurried up to her. “Look who I found.”

“You just found him, did you? As if he were lost.”

Mia groaned and took her mother by the hand. “Jonah said he’d introduce us to his dad, you know, the real cool minister? And he’s gonna take Uncle’s Ben’s place.”

“What exactly does that mean?”

“He’s gonna come to brunch with us. Isn’t that awesome?”

“Awesome.” Debra blushed a little as she faced him, but she looked as if she were amused, too. “The real question is, Jonah, do you think joining us is awesome? I know how hard it can be to say no to Mia.”

“I’m happy to do it. It isn’t often I get the privilege of going to brunch with two such lovely ladies.” It was easier to say that than the truth. Over her shoulder, he could see his mom finishing up a conversation with Douglas Matthews. She was on her way up the aisle. He figured he had a few minutes, tops, to prepare Debra for the oncoming onslaught. “There are some things you need to know before you meet my mom.”

“She looks perfect.” Debra brushed a few stray wisps of silky brown hair that had escaped from her braid from her eyes. “She looks like the kind of mom you could tell anything to and make a batch of cookies with after.”

“That’s my mom exactly, except she’s not the best cook. Sometimes an even worse baker.” Jonah steeled himself for the inquisition. “She’s—”

Too. Late. He’d misjudged her approach and she caught hold of his elbow.

“Son, is this Ben’s sister and her lovely daughter? I’ve heard so much about you, Debra and Mia. I can’t tell you how happy I am that you came to our little church this morning.”

And even happier, Jonah guessed, to find them with him. “Debra, Mia, I’d like you to meet my mom, Naomi.”

“Lovely to meet you, Mrs. Fraser.” Debra accepted Naomi’s hand.

Jonah’s mother, being her typical loving self, wasn’t happy with a handshake, so she wrapped Debra in a hug. Already she was smiling ear to ear. Apparently Debra met with her approval. “Goodness, you can’t know how we’ve looked forward to meeting you, Debra. You, too, Mia, dear. Oh, aren’t you adorable? Why, we’ve all known Ben since he was a little guy. The Cavanaughs are some of our dearest friends.”

“Ben and his family certainly speak well of you and your husband. Mia has been dying to come to one of your husband’s services, right, sweet pea?”

“Yep. It was so totally awesome. Mrs. Fraser, it’s lovely to meet you.” Mia was obviously trying hard to hold back her enthusiasm. “I love your church. It’s awesome. It’s really old, right?”

Jonah watched his mom “ahh” in adoration. She was clearly completely charmed by Mia and he knew exactly what his mother was thinking. He hadn’t been a member of the Fraser family all his life without picking up a thing or two.

As his mom answered Mia’s question about the church, talking about the eighteenth-century construction and the original woodwork and the historic cemetery out back, Jonah touched Debra’s elbow to get her attention. The fine wool of her coat felt like velvet against his rough fingertips.

“Mom has her sights on you, so watch out.” Jonah kept his voice low, leaning close so only Debra could hear. “My mother is fully cognizant of our last two rendezvous.”

“Is that military vernacular for the tree-lighting ceremony and our bookstore meeting?”

“Exactly. Hey, I see that. You’re trying not to laugh.”

“Who’s laughing?” Debra did her best to hold down her mirth, but the truth was, she felt so light. Weightless. As if the burdens weighing her down for the last thirteen years were starting to lift. She’d actually enjoyed the service and the only way to explain that was she’d misplaced her cynicism. Not that she expected it to last, but she was enjoying the moment. “I didn’t know that my having two cups of hot chocolate with you qualifies as a big deal.”

“Trust me. Big deal.” Jonah ambled slowly at her side. His limp looked a little worse today. “When I was in Force Recon, I couldn’t begin to top her ability to gather covert information. My mom could outdo the CIA and military intelligence combined.”

“I’ll be on my best behavior. I promise.” She lay her hand on his, it felt like a natural thing to do. “We don’t want your family to get the wrong idea.”

“Exactly. Not that it will stop them, but I thought it was only fair to warn you.”

“So, you are one of the good guys.”

He winced and withdrew from her touch. “Sorry, far from good. I’m too flawed for that.”